EPTNeedless to say, when I saw my cousin breaking down into tears tuesday morning before class my heart sunk and I knew something was wrong. When I asked her, she could barely talk and I could barely make sense of anything she was trying to say. All i could do was hug her and let her know I was there for her when she was ready to pull herself together and talk. I walked her to her car and she told me about it. My 17 day old cousin had passed away 30 minutes earlier.
She was a beautiful baby girl named Isabelle, and I only got to meet her twice, but I consider myself lucky for that. I was one of two people outside her direct family to ever get to meet her. I'll say it again, she was beautiful. I've never really liked kids at all, in fact I'd say most of the time I wish they wouldn't bother me, but this was my god daughter, and I really wanted to spoil her from a young age.
I couldn't belive what my cousin was telling me, minutes before my first test. I make sure she's well enough to drive and make my way to class moderately unaffected from what had happened. In fact, I had already dismissed what she had told me. It seemed unreal, I didn't belive it. I kept thinking, they'll call me any minute and tell me they were wrong and she's fine. It didn't happen. And I felt horrible for not crying.
I made it to today after this, and through two late nights of rosary prayers for her. Today, something about today, made it click. The viewing was today. She was there. Silent. Still. Motionless. Adorable as I'd ever seen her dressed in the cutest black dress you've ever seen a child in. She was tangible. In front of me. Real.
I broke down a little, I felt my heart sink. I felt such intense pain inside me that I couldn't speak. My throat became soar and my eyes began to water. I did my best to hold it together before I went home.
I sat online for a while, and tried to troll any post I could but it did nothing for me. I felt horrible. Finally I broke down into tears because I don't understand this world. I don't understand how a baby girl can die for no reason. I don't know why I get to live with all the sins i've done and with all the malice I have in my heart. If there is a god, he is most surely not just.. I just want my cousin back but that's not a reality. Mostly, I feel sorry for her parents. This was their first child, and I couldn't imagine a more horrible situation.
Rest in peace Isabelle Marie Ramirez
