EPTFast forward 2 years to junior year. I had just turned 17 and the year was about to end. I suddenly realized that this anger problem (yelling, others, etc.) stemmed from me wanting to emotionally hurt people when I was angry. Looking back at the years I realized that every time I got into a fight with my parents + brothers/sisters it always ended up with me stomping (yes literally stomping like those tv shows) back to the basement where the computer was. I would hear the family talking and crying about me and I would feel this sense of accomplishment like I was the best thing ever. 17 was when I decided this would stop that summer I left to work at a summer camp and became great friends with some people there and finally made true friends (this is a thing that I had been longing for for such a long time).
Senior year, In the state I live in Juniors and Seniors are able to go to College and begin taking some college courses or do a full time enrollment (all state paid for ^_^ 20k saved! Yes!). Anyways I became closenit with so many people there and by the time the school year was about to end I made great strides in my life and finally apologized to my parents about my middleschool/early highschool years. Lemme tell you I am the worst kid of the family no literally I told my parents and this is how it went.
Me: I wanted to talk to you today *uneasy pause* I got a girl pregnant! (This is me being stupid … it didn’t go well >_<;
*after some talking about how I better not have done that (my parents are pastors of a church o.O)*
Me: I probably was the worst kid growing up … not even comparable to my siblings.
Parents: Yeah you were
Me: *sigh* *thinks* (DANG! How could you say that!? … well they are truthful … guess I was)
I was only saying that to start off the conversation but I guess I was the worst kid. After that event of telling them all the things I’d done we ended up with a greater relationship that what I previously had. Life was GREAT! I’d just met a sweet beautiful girl also. I thought I was in heaven for awhile. But then low and behold my idol Stork lost in both the OSL and the MSL. Haha I’m just kidding but that was a little depressing. Anyways by the time the school year was done I came back home and with nothing else to do I started playing League of Legends with a friend from school who introduced the game to me. Lemme tell you coming from DOTA I pretty much instantly started pwning everyone. Enough of that. Life was still going great until I found out we were moving houses in preparation for my parents leaving the country to go do some missions work in a different country. The house that I spent 4 years of my life in was gone, my parents were leaving in my first year of true college life (though I attended college I was home almost every weekend and I saw them every Sunday), and most of all I missed every single one of my friends. The friends that I longed for suddenly vanished and I was left alone (figuratively … still had the family, siblings, etc.) the true friends. It was lemme say very depressing.
Then on things started getting worst. It was like I was in heaven then I came back to Earth then I started sinking even lower. My depression spawned anger and just in the past 2 weeks I have returned back to my habit. The habit that I soooo desperately hated… the habit that hurt my parents for 3 years the habit that makes me cry just even thinking about it nowadays (true men are the ones that aren't afraid to cry mwhaha ^^). 2 days ago I had an episode of hate/anger. And guess who I took it out on.
Seriously guess
Nope not my parents
Nope not my brothers
Nope not my sister
Don’t peek
guess first mwhaha.+ Show Spoiler +
The sweet beautiful girl that I had met earlier this year.
I was a jerk to her and found myself hating myself for it last night I laid in bed thinking about what I had done and couldn’t get to sleep for hours and hours and had a nightmare of people just leaving me, more specifically her leaving me. Woke up this morning hoping she would be on fB chat (that’s how we communicate when we aren’t together) anyways she wasn’t not to my surprise though. Being myself I just cleaned myself up and had nothing else to do soo I just played a couple games of LoL. Had the gayest 1 hour game ever >_< hate those freaken Mundo carried their team. Anyways she eventually got and sent me a message (*note* I had been messaging her all night about being sorry … I knew I had hurt her). This is the exact message …
“hmm............................................ thats a lot of thinking........................................................... idk. thats all i gotta say............... for now.................”
“im not sure anymore.. sorry...”
I don’t know about how you would feel but I felt devastated I still feel devastated. I’m pretty sure she’s tired of me saying sorry to her. I know that things will never be the same and that I’ve pretty much ruined whatever could have happened but I want to atleast get my true apology across. I’m gonna be working on it for the next couple weeks and see if I can patch up atleast a bit of the friendship we once had to tell you the truth she was like my best friend. I could tell her anything she could tell me anything.
So TL this is my stupid habit. If you guys have anything/ anyway to help me patch things up with her than please feel free to share ^_^ … also have any of you gone through the habit?How did you guys break it? reminds me of the Linkin Park song Breaking the Habit I just can’t seem to break it.
