• Log InLog In
  • Register
Liquid`
Team Liquid Liquipedia
EDT 06:50
CEST 12:50
KST 19:50
  • Home
  • Forum
  • Calendar
  • Streams
  • Liquipedia
  • Features
  • Store
  • EPT
  • TL+
  • StarCraft 2
  • Brood War
  • Smash
  • Heroes
  • Counter-Strike
  • Overwatch
  • Liquibet
  • Fantasy StarCraft
  • TLPD
  • StarCraft 2
  • Brood War
  • Blogs
Forum Sidebar
Events/Features
News
Featured News
[ASL19] Finals Recap: Standing Tall9HomeStory Cup 27 - Info & Preview18Classic wins Code S Season 2 (2025)16Code S RO4 & Finals Preview: herO, Rogue, Classic, GuMiho0TL Team Map Contest #5: Presented by Monster Energy6
Community News
Weekly Cups (June 30 - July 6): Classic Doubles0[BSL20] Non-Korean Championship 4x BSL + 4x China7Flash Announces Hiatus From ASL63Weekly Cups (June 23-29): Reynor in world title form?13FEL Cracov 2025 (July 27) - $8000 live event22
StarCraft 2
General
Weekly Cups (June 30 - July 6): Classic Doubles Program: SC2 / XSplit / OBS Scene Switcher The SCII GOAT: A statistical Evaluation Statistics for vetoed/disliked maps Weekly Cups (June 23-29): Reynor in world title form?
Tourneys
RSL: Revival, a new crowdfunded tournament series FEL Cracov 2025 (July 27) - $8000 live event Sparkling Tuna Cup - Weekly Open Tournament WardiTV Mondays Korean Starcraft League Week 77
Strategy
How did i lose this ZvP, whats the proper response Simple Questions Simple Answers
Custom Maps
[UMS] Zillion Zerglings
External Content
Mutation # 481 Fear and Lava Mutation # 480 Moths to the Flame Mutation # 479 Worn Out Welcome Mutation # 478 Instant Karma
Brood War
General
ASL20 Preliminary Maps SC uni coach streams logging into betting site Player “Jedi” cheat on CSL Flash Announces Hiatus From ASL BW General Discussion
Tourneys
[BSL20] Grand Finals - Sunday 20:00 CET [BSL20] Non-Korean Championship 4x BSL + 4x China CSL Xiamen International Invitational The Casual Games of the Week Thread
Strategy
Simple Questions, Simple Answers I am doing this better than progamers do.
Other Games
General Games
Stormgate/Frost Giant Megathread Path of Exile Nintendo Switch Thread What do you want from future RTS games? Beyond All Reason
Dota 2
Official 'what is Dota anymore' discussion
League of Legends
Heroes of the Storm
Simple Questions, Simple Answers Heroes of the Storm 2.0
Hearthstone
Heroes of StarCraft mini-set
TL Mafia
TL Mafia Community Thread Vanilla Mini Mafia
Community
General
US Politics Mega-thread Stop Killing Games - European Citizens Initiative Summer Games Done Quick 2024! Summer Games Done Quick 2025! Russo-Ukrainian War Thread
Fan Clubs
SKT1 Classic Fan Club! Maru Fan Club
Media & Entertainment
Anime Discussion Thread [Manga] One Piece [\m/] Heavy Metal Thread
Sports
Formula 1 Discussion 2024 - 2025 Football Thread NBA General Discussion TeamLiquid Health and Fitness Initiative For 2023 NHL Playoffs 2024
World Cup 2022
Tech Support
Computer Build, Upgrade & Buying Resource Thread
TL Community
Blogs
Culture Clash in Video Games…
TrAiDoS
from making sc maps to makin…
Husyelt
Blog #2
tankgirl
StarCraft improvement
iopq
Trip to the Zoo
micronesia
Customize Sidebar...

Website Feedback

Closed Threads



Active: 693 users

A Modest Proposal

Blogs > Failsafe
Post a Reply
1 2 Next All
Failsafe
Profile Blog Joined July 2006
United States1298 Posts
May 21 2010 00:37 GMT
#1
After writing this I realized that it would be most appropriate as its own thread. I've done Geoff (now known as Jeoff) the honor of writing this in my best imitation of his charming style.

1. Remove the fucking Colossus.

The Colossus is the definition of a bad fucking idea. It has 350 fucking health. You can Yamato this fucking thing, and it will not die. But wait, the Colossus can be upgraded to have 9 fucking range. What the fuck is that? This fucking thing has a sea of hit points and yet it can't be hit because, let me say again, it has 9 fucking range. You can't build a game with a unit like that in it. That's why you give this glorified AT-ST the ability to walk up and down cliffs, and did I mention this is no Reaver, it's as fast as a fucking Zealot? Call the fucking Ewoks, deus ex machina we need a deus ex machina.

As if its complete failure from a stats perspective weren't enough, just fucking look at the Colossus. It finds its roots in a Tom Cruise (post-insanity) movie. The Colossus looks fucking hideous. And it's fucking huge. What could be worse than the most disgusting unit design ever created? Easy, the most disgusting unit design stretching across half your fucking screen. As much as you try, you can't not see the god damn thing because it's ten stories tall and as a wide as a Thor.

As eloquently as I can say it: The Colossus fucking sucks. Not only does it suck, but it reshapes the entire game to suck. Five minutes after the first Colossus has been spotted on the field of battle the entire game has degenerated into a clusterfuck. How could it not when the only unit actually doing anything is the fucking Colossus. The Colossus becomes the backbone, heart, and soul of the Protoss ground army, and that's shit. The fact that Protoss ground is completely fucked without the Colossus probably hasn't escaped the attention of the bronze players who are flirting with negative ratings. So get the god damn thing out of the game, rebalance the Protoss ground army and consider putting in something that's actually interesting like, uh, the Reaver, or, uh, anything that has not the faintest resemblance to the fucking Colossus.

2. Remove the fucking Reaper. There is no unit in the game that vies with the Colossus for the title of the worst unit. But if it could be said that there was an aspirant to that lofty fucking distinction, it would be the Reaper. Here's another horrible, non-strategic unit. Why non-strategic? Think about Chess. Limitations make the game interesting. If everything could just do whatever the hell it pleased, you wouldn't have strategy, you would have a god damn cluster fuck. And that's what the Reaper is all about. The Reaper's sole purpose is to convert a relatively interesting early game into a cluster fuck.

New player? Well you better get on board or get the fuck out, because you're gonna lose 100% of the time to this guy. Like his rival, the Colossus, the Reaper can scale cliffs, so he can enter your base from virtually any location. Then he can rape your Marines, Zealots, or Zerglings and finally rape your workers. That's the whole story. It doesn't have a sequel because you'll never see the Reaper again. Nonetheless, any time you play a fucking Terran you better get it through your head that a Reaper rush might be on its way, because if it is, and you're not ready, it's game, set, match. This guy rapes all your early game shit and all your buildings, so you're fucked. You can't hope to kill or delay it with your workers because it rapes all those instantly. Bottom line, if you're a new player, get on the right side of this issue. If you're below Platinum league and you wanna move up, just remember the "r" button, and no, that's not "r" for Roach. It's Reaper time.

The one virtue of this unit, and the reason he shouldn't be in the game at all, is that the Reaper serves virutally no purpose after the initial rush period is over. 50 gas for a unit that has like 50 hit points, 4.5 range, and can't fight anything armored? If you'll buy that for your army you'll buy real estate in Detroit (or are we past this one?). Anyway, fuck the Reaper, for virtually every function it might serve, you have some better alternative. The Reaper's entire existence revolves around fucking up early game build orders and to possibly do a little harassment or expansion denial afterward. That is not the kind of unit you want in your game. Every other unit serves some meaningful combat role. The Reaper does not. The only purpose this unit serves is to give competitive and non-competitive players alike a mindfuck when they're designing build orders. And for non-competitive players, if you're just hoping to sort of build stuff without any real plan in mind, expect to lose most of your games against Terran opponents in about 5 minutes. Fuck the Reaper.

3. Remove air units. Wait, that's not quite it. Do something about fucking air units, specifically, do something about air units blowing up everything on the ground. You've removed the Goliath. You've made Archons suck. I can no longer make a Hydralisk until I have a Lair. If I'm Zerg, my fucking macro mechanic is the only thing between me and the fucking fleets of Aiur. Talk about proof that the whole Darwin thing was a pipe dream, this is devolution if I've ever seen it.

What's more, the Wraith is back and it's called "Banshee." Now it blows the hell out of anything touching the surface of the world - and it does so from the fucking moon. The Scout's gone - oh no - and now we've got the Void Ray. Two of these guys will fuck your world up. Again - new player? Protoss opponent? Expect to see the big blue eraser beam wipe out all your base. And what's even better, Corsairs find their reincarnation as the Phoenixi / Phoenixes / Phoeniii. They'll be throwing shit around with tractor beams. Now even the anti-air will rape your ground forces. And of course the Mutalisk makes its triumphant return, not to have its thunder stolen by any of these other air-to-ground monsters, the Mutalisk is returned in full fighting form and is completely capable of all the bullshit it was before except that now you don't have to micro it because nothing on the ground can kill it.

But seriously, this is how it is. Half the surface-to-air shit is gone (except for the Missile Turret because humans are smart), and all the air-to-surface stuff took steroids. If you wanna fight stuff in the air, you better be in the air. And that's a problem Blizzard needs to carefully consider.

4. The fucking Banelings. Just require a god damn Lair before Zerg can produce a Baneling Nest. Speedlings rape Marines. That's covered. Roaches (lol) should rape Zealots. That's taken care of. Speedlings rape Stalkers. Done. Sentries aren't a big a deal. Speedlings rape Marauders. Reapers should be removed. Let's rebalance Tier 1 Zerg without the fucking rolly pollies. The fucking Baneling is like 10:1 efficient against marines, coupled with the fact that Speedlings already rape Marines, I think this is a little overkill.

Other problems: the Void Ray, the Siege Tank, Zerg sucks, and I'm addicted to SC2.

Edit: Other problems (extended): The Ultra-lol (being addressed, apparently). Zerg not only sucks but is boring. Zerg has one effective spellcaster (being addressed, apparently).

**
MrBitter: Phoenixes... They're like flying hellions. Always cost efficient.
kuresuti
Profile Blog Joined December 2009
1393 Posts
May 21 2010 00:46 GMT
#2
Fuck man.
Navi
Profile Joined November 2009
5286 Posts
May 21 2010 00:46 GMT
#3
Fucking *insert unit that you lost to here* suck shit. Ridiculously overpowered, inconvenient, and unusable. Fucking ridiculous.

+ Show Spoiler +
I find banelings a cute idea they're a nice threat to keep enemies scared inside of their base while you take quick expansions... baneling-zergling -> hydra = sex
Hey! Listen!
NuKedUFirst
Profile Blog Joined March 2010
Canada3139 Posts
May 21 2010 00:46 GMT
#4
Thor and Ultralisks among others have more hp, seige tanks have 13 range, ever play SC? and your other rants alot of them are just silly.."remove air units" "remove repears" ..You could rant on about how you get destroyed by theese units OR you could learn how to deal with it?
FrostedMiniWeet wrote: I like winning because it validates all the bloody time I waste playing SC2.
Mystlord *
Profile Blog Joined July 2008
United States10264 Posts
Last Edited: 2010-05-21 00:50:53
May 21 2010 00:50 GMT
#5
Terrible. I expected something on par with selling babies to the rich for food, or some sort of crazy satire. I think the use of curse words deflates any satirical tone.

If you're being serious, then that's great. You keep on believing that. (Although considering the title, I'm guessing you aren't )
It is impossible to be a citizen if you don't make an effort to understand the most basic activities of your government. It is very difficult to thrive in an increasingly competitive world if you're a nation of doods.
DrivE
Profile Blog Joined January 2010
United States2554 Posts
May 21 2010 00:51 GMT
#6
How can you be addicted to SC2 but rage this much about it?
LUCK IS NO EXCUSE
starfries
Profile Blog Joined July 2009
Canada3508 Posts
May 21 2010 00:52 GMT
#7
I don't remember there being so many "fuck"s in Jonathan Swift's version
DJ – do you like ramen, Savior? Savior – not really. Bisu – I eat it often. Flash – I’m a maniac! | Foxer Fighting!
rredtooth
Profile Blog Joined December 2008
5459 Posts
Last Edited: 2010-05-21 00:54:07
May 21 2010 00:53 GMT
#8
hey guys! i found an identical OP in the closed forum!

http://www.teamliquid.net/forum/viewmessage.php?topic_id=126444
[formerly sponsored by the artist formerly known as Gene]
mOnion
Profile Blog Joined August 2009
United States5657 Posts
May 21 2010 00:57 GMT
#9
people seem to think this is supposed to be humorous in tone, which is exactly why it fails so hard.

if you're actual serious, you're pathetic. if this is supposed to be funny, you didn't do it right and made it sound too angry and not ridiculous enough.
☆★☆ 7486!!! Join the Ban mOnion Anti-Trolling Initiative! - Caller | "on a scale of machine to 10, how bad is that Zerg?" - LZgamer | you are the new tl.net bonjwa monion, congrats - Rekrul | "Cheeseburgers dynamite lilacs" - Chill
Chairman Ray
Profile Blog Joined December 2009
United States11903 Posts
May 21 2010 00:57 GMT
#10
Also make the fucking gateways bright pink. That way I can fucking see them easier so I know what building to click on.
mOnion
Profile Blog Joined August 2009
United States5657 Posts
May 21 2010 00:59 GMT
#11
so much cussing.

you guys realize that takes away from the joke SO much right?
☆★☆ 7486!!! Join the Ban mOnion Anti-Trolling Initiative! - Caller | "on a scale of machine to 10, how bad is that Zerg?" - LZgamer | you are the new tl.net bonjwa monion, congrats - Rekrul | "Cheeseburgers dynamite lilacs" - Chill
The6357
Profile Blog Joined August 2005
United States1268 Posts
May 21 2010 01:00 GMT
#12
fuck man...do u suggest we all go back to BW ?
2010 worldcup!! corea fighting!!!
The6357
Profile Blog Joined August 2005
United States1268 Posts
May 21 2010 01:01 GMT
#13
On May 21 2010 09:51 DrivE wrote:
How can you be addicted to SC2 but rage this much about it?

orb?
2010 worldcup!! corea fighting!!!
gogogadgetflow
Profile Joined March 2010
United States2583 Posts
May 21 2010 01:06 GMT
#14
It was apparently closed last time because people don't understand satire. Although Swift used fewer curse words, he lived in a different era. You make some valid points, such as
If you wanna fight stuff in the air, you better be in the air. And that's a problem Blizzard needs to carefully consider.


... of course people might overreact to this one as well and you will be reprimanded for reposting a creative writing piece. lol.
DrivE
Profile Blog Joined January 2010
United States2554 Posts
May 21 2010 01:07 GMT
#15
On May 21 2010 10:01 The6357 wrote:
Show nested quote +
On May 21 2010 09:51 DrivE wrote:
How can you be addicted to SC2 but rage this much about it?

orb?

how could I forget him D: lol
LUCK IS NO EXCUSE
kaisr
Profile Joined October 2007
Canada715 Posts
May 21 2010 01:13 GMT
#16
what is protoss supposed to do early game against marauders? im just new not bitching or complaining.
pshych0
Profile Blog Joined July 2009
274 Posts
May 21 2010 01:14 GMT
#17
it was entertaining
shit happens
Bwenjarin Raffrack
Profile Joined November 2008
United States322 Posts
May 21 2010 01:14 GMT
#18
I'm guessing you were referring to this style, and most people didn't get that reference:

On May 01 2008 06:10 {88}iNcontroL wrote:
KOREAN MAPS ARE LESS IMPORTANT HAHA


On May 01 2008 06:13 {88}iNcontroL wrote:
WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT KOREAN MAPS KID? JESUS TRY THE HARD LIFE OF A ZERG. WE DONT HAVE FUCKING MAP CROSSING ARCLITE CANNONS, EVERYTHING CANNOT BE REPAIRS, WE DONT HAVE WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION LIKE SPIDER MINES AND WE CERTAINLY AS FUCK DONT HAVE NUCLEAR WEAPONS CAUSE ANY GAME THAT HAS THAT SUCKS LIKE COMMAND AND CONQUER 3. ALSO, WE DONT HAVE FLYING BUILDINGS OR MOTHERFUCKING DEFENSIVE STRUCTURES THAT SHOOT AIR AND GROUND AND CAN BE REPAIRED AND COST 100$ FUCKING MINERALS. OUR WORKERS DIE WHEN THE WIND BLOWS TOO HARD AND SURE AS FUCK DONT HAVE FUSION CUTTERS. WAIT? YOU HAVE GOLIATHS THAT SHOOT ACROSS THE MAP AT AIR UNITS AND CAN BE REPAIRED AND ARE CHEAP? JESUS WHO MADE THIS GAME.


On May 01 2008 06:15 {88}iNcontroL wrote:
JESUS I WISH I HAD 5-6 of THE ALL TIME BEST PLAYERS TO MODEL MY GAME AFTER. WAIT? WERENT THEY ALL FUCKING TERRAN? WE HAVE NADA, BOXER, OOV, FLASH, MIDAS and XELLOS ALL KICKING ASS FOR YEARS AT A TIME WHILE WE GET FUCKING FAT ASS JULY WHO SUCKS NOW, YELLOW WHO ALWAYS FUCKING SUCKED BUT NOBODY KNEW FOR A BIT AND WE FINALLY GOT SAVIOR BUT THEN THEY DRESSED HIM LIKE HITLER SO HE SUCKED AND NOW WE HAVE JAEDONG BUT THAT KID CANT FIGURE OUT THE NEW KOREAN MAPS THAT DONT MATTER. JESUS FUCK IT MUST BE NICE TO HAVE PLAYERS THAT SPAN DECADES AND DOMINATE THE ENTIRE TIME. GIMME SOME OF THAT PLEASE.


On May 01 2008 06:18 {88}iNcontroL wrote:
HEY WHAT ABOUT BUILDINGS DO YOU LOSE A SCV EACH TIME YOU MAKE ONE? NO. WHAT THE FUCK? WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU CAN ACTUALLY TELL THEM TO RETURN TO MINING AFTER THEY ARE DONE BUILDING? I THOUGHT THAT AUTO MINING GARBAGE WAS FOR HACKERS OR BAD GAMES. TERRAN'S CAN DO IT? FUCK THAT SOUNDS LIKE A SWEET DEAL. EACH TIME WE (zerg) HAVE TO BUILD WE TELL ONE OF OUR SACRED MINERS "HEY FUCK YOU TIME TO DIE" AND THEY DO. THEN WE GET A FUCKING BUILDING. WHICH, HALF THE TIME ISNT ENOUGH: WE HAVE TO PAY MOREE FUCKING MONEY TO GET IT TO DO SOME SHIT LIKE DICK THE GROUND OR SPRAY PISS IN THE AIR.


And if so, well.. it's not exactly funny. Or as charming. It's a nice try though, I guess.
I'm not as thunk as dreople pink I am.
mOnion
Profile Blog Joined August 2009
United States5657 Posts
Last Edited: 2010-05-21 01:20:13
May 21 2010 01:19 GMT
#19
On May 21 2010 10:06 gogogadgetflow wrote:
It was apparently closed last time because people don't understand satire


as if satire is SUCH a hard concept to grasp.

that, or, the OP executes poorly.

its the old "if you have to explain the joke..." idea.
☆★☆ 7486!!! Join the Ban mOnion Anti-Trolling Initiative! - Caller | "on a scale of machine to 10, how bad is that Zerg?" - LZgamer | you are the new tl.net bonjwa monion, congrats - Rekrul | "Cheeseburgers dynamite lilacs" - Chill
hellokitty[hk]
Profile Joined June 2009
United States1309 Posts
May 21 2010 01:24 GMT
#20
Lol!
People are imbeciles, lucky thing god made cats.
1 2 Next All
Please log in or register to reply.
Live Events Refresh
Next event in 10m
[ Submit Event ]
Live Streams
Refresh
StarCraft 2
Rex 50
Lowko47
Creator 39
StarCraft: Brood War
Jaedong 726
Hyuk 574
Soma 505
Pusan 364
Stork 348
Flash 234
Larva 227
Soulkey 185
Sharp 174
sorry 135
[ Show more ]
ZerO 112
sSak 78
Snow 57
Shine 45
JulyZerg 45
yabsab 38
Mind 34
Free 31
Aegong 29
zelot 22
Movie 16
IntoTheRainbow 10
Barracks 4
ivOry 3
Dota 2
XcaliburYe629
XaKoH 522
syndereN287
League of Legends
singsing903
rGuardiaN46
Counter-Strike
x6flipin450
allub132
Super Smash Bros
Mew2King217
Other Games
Pyrionflax323
crisheroes280
SortOf154
Happy110
ZerO(Twitch)12
Organizations
Other Games
gamesdonequick29158
StarCraft 2
Blizzard YouTube
StarCraft: Brood War
BSLTrovo
sctven
[ Show 12 non-featured ]
StarCraft 2
• AfreecaTV YouTube
• intothetv
• Kozan
• IndyKCrew
• LaughNgamezSOOP
• Migwel
• sooper7s
StarCraft: Brood War
• BSLYoutube
• STPLYoutube
• ZZZeroYoutube
Dota 2
• lizZardDota2233
Other Games
• WagamamaTV161
Upcoming Events
Wardi Open
10m
Rex50
Replay Cast
13h 10m
Sparkling Tuna Cup
23h 10m
WardiTV European League
1d 5h
MaNa vs sebesdes
Mixu vs Fjant
ByuN vs HeRoMaRinE
ShoWTimE vs goblin
Gerald vs Babymarine
Krystianer vs YoungYakov
PiGosaur Monday
1d 13h
The PondCast
1d 23h
WardiTV European League
2 days
Jumy vs NightPhoenix
Percival vs Nicoract
ArT vs HiGhDrA
MaxPax vs Harstem
Scarlett vs Shameless
SKillous vs uThermal
uThermal 2v2 Circuit
2 days
Replay Cast
2 days
RSL Revival
2 days
ByuN vs SHIN
Clem vs Reynor
[ Show More ]
Replay Cast
3 days
RSL Revival
3 days
Classic vs Cure
FEL
4 days
RSL Revival
4 days
FEL
5 days
FEL
5 days
BSL20 Non-Korean Champi…
5 days
Bonyth vs QiaoGege
Dewalt vs Fengzi
Hawk vs Zhanhun
Sziky vs Mihu
Mihu vs QiaoGege
Zhanhun vs Sziky
Fengzi vs Hawk
Sparkling Tuna Cup
5 days
RSL Revival
5 days
FEL
6 days
BSL20 Non-Korean Champi…
6 days
Bonyth vs Dewalt
QiaoGege vs Dewalt
Hawk vs Bonyth
Sziky vs Fengzi
Mihu vs Zhanhun
QiaoGege vs Zhanhun
Fengzi vs Mihu
Liquipedia Results

Completed

BSL Season 20
HSC XXVII
Heroes 10 EU

Ongoing

JPL Season 2
BSL 2v2 Season 3
Acropolis #3
KCM Race Survival 2025 Season 2
CSL 17: 2025 SUMMER
Copa Latinoamericana 4
Jiahua Invitational
Championship of Russia 2025
RSL Revival: Season 1
Murky Cup #2
BLAST.tv Austin Major 2025
ESL Impact League Season 7
IEM Dallas 2025
PGL Astana 2025
Asian Champions League '25
BLAST Rivals Spring 2025
MESA Nomadic Masters
CCT Season 2 Global Finals
IEM Melbourne 2025

Upcoming

2025 ACS Season 2: Qualifier
CSLPRO Last Chance 2025
CSL Xiamen Invitational
2025 ACS Season 2
CSLPRO Chat StarLAN 3
K-Championship
uThermal 2v2 Main Event
SEL Season 2 Championship
FEL Cracov 2025
Esports World Cup 2025
StarSeries Fall 2025
FISSURE Playground #2
BLAST Open Fall 2025
BLAST Open Fall Qual
Esports World Cup 2025
BLAST Bounty Fall 2025
BLAST Bounty Fall Qual
IEM Cologne 2025
FISSURE Playground #1
TLPD

1. ByuN
2. TY
3. Dark
4. Solar
5. Stats
6. Nerchio
7. sOs
8. soO
9. INnoVation
10. Elazer
1. Rain
2. Flash
3. EffOrt
4. Last
5. Bisu
6. Soulkey
7. Mini
8. Sharp
Sidebar Settings...

Advertising | Privacy Policy | Terms Of Use | Contact Us

Original banner artwork: Jim Warren
The contents of this webpage are copyright © 2025 TLnet. All Rights Reserved.