I'll get to that quote in a second, first a backstory. One that I didn't include last time around.
Every since I was a kid I've been the big kid, not fat just big. I was like 1,50m when I was 10 or 11 and by the time I was 18 I was 1.98m. During this whole period I was the tallest kid in school, but also a bit chunky. Thanks to my love of sports I managed to keep it under control.
So when I turned 19 I had to quit playing the sport of my choice. I hurt my knee but I wasn't that good anyway. I was more of a thinker. The problem is that before I quit I played at a fairly high level and had practise 5-6 times a week. And to keep that up I had to eat ALOT.
So I quit sports and became a coach. Now the problem with me is that I've never enjoyed practise. I've always hated it but I dragged my ass there and give it my all every week because I loved the team I was in. So when the team dissolved what happend? I had no reason to practise 5-6 times a week, instead I started sitting by the computer more and more, but still eating the way I used to.
So last fall I decided to do something about it. If you check my blog you'll see 8 posts of my "weightloss". I listed my flaws and started working out. But somewhere around christmas it all fell trough. I got lazy and stopped. Since then the biggest physical exersize I've had is walking to and from school (20minutes each way).
What suprised me isn't the fact that I gave up. It's how I did it. I didn't try to justify it. I didn't try to make exuses to not exersize. I just quit.
So I've been "fine" with that ever since but these last couple of weeks has given me quite the scare. I've started having chest pains. They come and go and sometimes I dont get them for like 3-4 days but then they're back. It's like someone is constantly pressing against my ribs, just by the heart. This past weekend I was half awake in the middle of the night and suddenly I get goosebumps all over my body. At the same time my heart started beating in a wierd way. I was 100% convinced that I was gonna have a heartattack.
And that's when it struck me. I just turned 24. 24. Am I really suppose to have a heartattack and die now? My life hasn't even begun. I don't cry, that's just who I am, but that night was the closest I've ever gotten to crying without actually crying.
I was scared and ashamed of myself.
The following night me and my friends went out, and we spent the entire night in a jacuzzi. We all took pictures and when I saw those pictures the next day I felt even more shame. I looked like the fucking micheline man.
So today I went for a walk, just a short one, to gather my thoughts cause I remember that used to help me think. And I really thought about what caused this. I looked at my childhood, I was bullied but I learned how to deal with it so that wasn't it. My parents didn't have a happy separation but I'm not ready to blame them for it either. That brings me to the first quote in this text, which was the first piece of truth I could come up with. I'm fat because I'm lazy. And after thinking some more I think I came up with the full answer:
I'm fat because I'm lazy and I've always been putting myself down.
Very few actually knows this about me but I'm a exteremly judgemental person. When I've met you two-three times I've probably said so many insulting things about you in my head that you can't count them. And this all comes back to me having a bad self-image. As I wrote in my previous blog: I've never seen myself as a fat guy. But I've also always been the first one to call myself fat. As a defence mechanism. If I say it it won't mean as much when someone else says it.
As I also said in the last blog: I love fastfood, but I didn't explain how much. I could probably write a book about how I feel when I eat a nice burger. How it tastes and how the texture feels. I'm a fast food addict. And yes I do feel people use the word "addict" too much these days but in my case I belive it's correct. This is a video from "The West Wing" with John Spencer (great actor) playing Leo McGarry describing what it's like being a alcoholic. That pretty much describes how I feel about fastfood.
Tomorrow I'm getting a gymcard. I have a gym near by with some nice equipment (I've heard) so I'm gonna buy a gymcard and this time I have to make it. I also need to get some information about how I'm going to tackle my food problems. I'll give you guys blog updates from time to time. Don't ask me when because I don't know.
My name is Jesper, I'm 24 years old and I don't want the year 2010 on my gravestone.