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Note: If you don't like sob stories about people's lives, then this probably isn't for you. If you haven't read my previous blogs, then none of this will really make sense. Not that it will anyways.
I don't know why I blog about my life on here anyways. Maybe I enjoy that feeling of anonymity.. some people here know me over Starcraft, but let's face it, no one REALLY knows me. Of course whenever I post a blog like this, I run the risk of people posting "stop crying rofl" or mocking me or whatever. I know there's probably people here that don't like me. But I guess I just have this desire to let my feelings out, and this seems like a great opportunity to do so.. my friend suggested that I see a psychologist and I probably need to, but I honestly don't know if I could do it. Not because of money (although that does play part of the reason) but I guess perhaps I have too much pride? My parents raised me to solve my problems on my own and try and get by with as little help as possible, and I think that attitude, whether I want it to or not, plays a large role in my life.
So on to what this blog was really about: a girl, of course. It's been a month since all the stuff happened, when me and her were alone, just talking about stuff... and she said we couldn't be together due to her going to college in a few months and some personal reasons, even though she liked me. It's been a month. 31 days. So why do I still sit here thinking about all of it constantly?
First of all: I 100% feel that if I had made a move a long time before January 7th, this would all be different. And that kills me. Part of me wants to be happy for knowing my mistake.. but now that I know my mistake, the only thing I learn from this affects the future, not the past. Ignorance is bliss, it seems.
For some reason I can't stop reflecting on how good things were in November / December. It's pitiful. For example, I've been watching replays of the games I played back then.. life seemed so perfect, so surreal. I was fully into the game, streaming my games while playing Koreans all the time and rapidly improving. Not that I was invincible, in fact, my micro is a lot better now than it was back then and I have a lot more game sense. However, a span of inactivity I had for a while hurts my macro severely right now.
But back to looking on the past. I know I shouldn't do it, but I just can't stop. The other day I dropped a Starcraft game that I should not have lost at all, which is pretty minor in all reality, but everything hit the fan. I've discovered that bad feelings lead to bad feelings. I immediately logged off iCCup and just sat there for the next hour or so thinking about how things have sucked in the past month. And I thought about how good things were in November/December. If I could, I would go and relive my life from Thanksgiving.. cause things were so good then. I keep telling myself that things weren't perfect, that's impossible. But my perception is majorly skewed and I can't think of a single thing that was bad back then. The girl and I were both into each other, school was going well and all of my classes were really fun, life was so, so, SO good.
The weekend of December 19th was just perfect. I'm a big college basketball fan for Wichita State, and that night they beat a ranked team (Texas Tech). It was a fun, loud game and one I'll always remember. The next night I went bowling with a bunch of friends, including the girl. I had planned on talking to the girl about stuff that night, just me and her, alone. I had a plan to do that. It was soooo obvious we liked each other, we flirted the entire night, and the group even called us out on it but we didn't care. For some reason I just wanted to get me and her alone, such as by giving her a ride home or something.. but it turns out she spent the night at her friends. What was I thinking? That night was so perfect and I had such a great opportunity.. I want to kill myself for not doing anything. At least now I'm not afraid to pull a girl apart from a group or something (I honestly don't think I ever was in the first place, but for some reason I didn't like doing that.. whenever I've asked a girl out or something it's always been just me and her, alone). But the idea that I learned something doesn't cut it, because I feel like I lost way too much in the process.
But right now... it just sucks. At least I'm eating again, but ever since this new semester started, it's pretty much all sucked. I hate school. I have two classes, physics, which isn't that bad, I like my teacher, but for the most part the people in the class are boring, and Spanish, which I absolutely hate due to the fact that I know almost no one in the class and we have to do a lot of interaction. I haven't taken Spanish in over a year so I remember basically nothing. I miss my schedule from last semester, where all of my classes were with friends. One of my classes I was a teacher's assistant and some of his students were my best friends... it was such an awesome class cause all we did was mess around.
To add more on, I broke my toe the other night while playing capture the flag for History Club. Although I think it's hilarious that it happened, it means no running for a while. This especially sucks, considering I was doing a church basketball league on Thursday nights and playing ultimate frisbee with the track team on Fridays. No physical activity for a while, now.
But of course those two are absolutely nothing considered to how I still feel about the girl. I still think about it all the time.. hence this blog. I've talked to another girl about it that goes to another school, so she knew nothing about the situation until I explained it all to her. And this girl is pretty awesome. I've told her everything I've felt and I want to say that I think the girl is making a big mistake by not going into a relationship with me.. I would put so much into it, I've thought so much about it.. it's ridiculous. I come off as really obsessed and desperate.. and you know, at this point, maybe I am obsessed.
You can control your thinking in real life all you want, but when it comes to dreams.. it's another story. And I swear, every night at least once, I dream about the girl. I wake up so happy thinking everything is good, then reality sinks in. What a terrible feeling. Another terrible feeling is that a song I've been listening to a lot lately reminds me of her.. especially since I posted it on Facebook one time (I tend to use it more than I should) and she took the time to comment it, saying she loved it. It's a love song, and every time I listen to it, I feel my heart breaking again... but I can't stop listening to it. It's so perfect and it contains the feelings that I had back then.
I've never felt this way before. It's such a terrible situation, but yet I still have so much hope that it'll turn around. I was with a girl in May, and when she broke up with me I was sad about it, but I knew I could get over it and move on. But this.. for some reason, I'm not giving up. I have so much hope inside of me that this impossible situation will turn around and I'll be happy again... and I don't know why. I honestly want to get rid of this hope and just move on, but I can't. I don't know what to do. In life, I've always loved being the underdog.. for example in Starcraft, the times when no one expects me to put up a fight are the times when I excel the most. I'm the underdog in this situation. But this situation pretty much seems like there's a 1% chance of it turning out in my favor.
And I'm doing everything I can to move on. I've flirted with a bunch of girls (which I guess sounds wrong, but I'm trying everything I can) and have gone out of my way to meet new ones and talk to ones I haven't seen in a while. (By the way if I come off as some arrogant jerk bragging or something, that's not the purpose, it's obvious I have plenty of faults.) I'm doing everything I can to be happy.. I've had friends over at my house a lot lately and we just hang out and play video games and talk and what not. I use Starcraft as another means of escape.. I've been playing a lot more lately, and I feel that I have a lot of potential at this game. I play a pretty low amount of games compared to a lot of my friends, yet I still put up good results.
But no matter what I do.. I just can't get over it. She's not helping either. Some drama happened last Monday (well, it was drama for other people.. I didn't even care) and she told me she was sorry for something that she said (it was about how some random chick that I have no interest in said I should ask her to prom). I told her it was okay and that I didn't care. But just randomly, she opened up about her life.. and I just find that so strange. It just makes me wonder how this has all affected her.. like I said, I know at one point she liked me. But I don't think she does anymore obviously.. but why would she randomly go out of her way to talk to me and open up about her life? It just makes me want to think that this girl still has feelings for me and that this can all turn around. But that's such a bad view.. I know that I need to give up hope and move on.
Just to clear up, I'm not suicidal or anything like that. Merely heartbroken, not that that should be treated lightly. But I don't really know what to do anymore.. I'm trying to move on in life but it's just not working. When I play Starcraft, see friends at school, stuff like that, I come off as happy and content with life, but on the inside I'm truly not. No matter what I do.. I can't let go.
  
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did your team win in capture the flag?
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I understand you. I'm a similar mood for different reasons than yours and it really sucks. I have no idea what to do either. I think that time will solve this.
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On February 07 2010 14:47 lazz wrote:
did your team win in capture the flag?
Haha, it ended up being a tie.. we had to quit cause a lot of people were getting hurt. We play inside our school and we were seriously tackling people to get their flags and put them in jail.. it was pretty insane.
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I just stopped trying with girls altogether and I have like hardly any ups and downs anymore, my life is so much more stable it's great. I'm actually serious about this, I'm not trying or even focused a tiny bit on girls at all. I realized they were the main influence of mood swings. Sure I could say it's school and work etc. but I've been doing that shit for a while, girls are the main problems.
edit:
and wtf 1/5 so sick of this BS rating system
5/5 from me
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I think she opened up to you for one of two reasons. 1) She is having a really hard time and needs someone to talk to. 2) She considers you a really good friend now (not a bf)... like a brother kind of person. That's why she may be opening up more. This is assuming that she has no interest in you anymore.
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oh man my life is so terrible because a girl went to college and i lost a game of starcraft
Reality check please man, you live in one of the richest parts of the world and there are many many millions of people who would kill to have your lifestyle. Get over it.
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On February 07 2010 14:50 yooniball wrote:
I think she opened up to you for one of two reasons. 1) She is having a really hard time and needs someone to talk to. 2) She considers you a really good friend now (not a bf)... like a brother kind of person. That's why she may be opening up more. This is assuming that she has no interest in you anymore.
I think you're probably right. It sucks though, because my perception is so skewed right now that I can't use much logic at all and think clearly. I want to think she has feelings for me still.
The thing I fear though is that the more I think about all of it, the more I fall for her.. and there's nothing I can do to stop that. This is not a good situation at all.
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Haha, everyone goes thru this. I'm still thinking about some girl I've fallen for pretty FUCKIN hard over -.- and its been sooooo long. We broke it off at may, and im still trippin over it. Its all good man, just focus on other things, and other girls. For me its workin out  find soemthing that you like.
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Being heart broken is the worst feeling ever
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I don't have very helpful advice other than just telling you you're not an asshole for flirting with other girls. I'm glad you have been, it's time to move on, I used to get hung-up over girls in high school. The last time I did that I told myself to go out and meet 10 girls and then tell myself if she really was THAT special, the answer was no.
Every guy does(or used to do) the same thing you're doing, which is analyzing every bit of data and interaction between you and this individual, telling yourself or anyone else that acting earlier isn't helping. I believe you when you say that too, but you didn't, so just meet 10 girls and then look back after that and if you're still convinced she was just an angel put on Earth just for you, move on anyway.
I'm sure you're an awesome guy and this girl probably IS missing out, but it's her loss and it shouldn't be yours, you put your chips on the table and she called you out. Pick yourself up and go find someone else!
Glad you're in History Club though, representing the best subject out there!
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only thing I can tell you is time heals all wounds, you will get over it and be a stronger, better person in the end, just find something to build upon while you're hurting. It sucks, its going to suck for a while, and there's nothing you can do about it. There's no magic remedy that will make you suddenly not care anymore. Just spend time with friends and make the best of it.
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You say you keep falling for her, due to your reoccurring thoughts about her. The solution to this would be to get rid of these thoughts. Now at first, this seems hard. I've gone through similar experiences too, but when you find the right group of friends and possibly a different girl to set your eyes on, forgetting about someone (not completely because I don't think that's possible seeing how much you like her) is much easier. I would recommend finding NEW things, such as new games, sports, toys, whatever it may be, to focus your attention on. For me, it was COD4MW2. It was like a magic pill. Oh, and I had gotten a beast computer, so that helped too. I guess you could say that turning to inanimate objects for relief could be considered partly a symptom of depression and anti social behavior but it has worked for me. Instead of thinking of this girl as a gf that you want to touch or kiss, think of her as a sister that you want to protect and be there for when she calls. Keep your distance from her but don't shut her out, because that's how you gain a "asshole" reputation. All this takes a lot of time but time is all you really need in these kind of situations. Your perception is skewed due to your affection for her but no return of any affection at the moment. You are confused because you can't understand simply why she doesn't show any affection, and I completely understand how you feel. You simply MUST NOT want to think things like "oh I think she still likes me" when you clearly know that she doesn't. Or else, you will fall harder when you do fall. Wean yourself from the situation slowly and eventually it'll just end. Good luck with your problems. Hope this helps.
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United States24495 Posts
On February 07 2010 14:48 resonance wrote:
and wtf 1/5 so sick of this BS rating system
1/5 is pretty good. I was expecting the typical blog rater to hack the system and give it negative 50.
OP do you feel better after writing this out? If so, then I guess it was helpful!?
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holy shit...
i felt like i was reading my own life dude, I know exactly how u are feeling. hit me up on aim or msn or watevs, we are in the exact same predicament
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Hey, at least you care about something.
More than I can say about myself
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^buttsecks request 2 posts up
But no srs, feels bad man. Time will help, as always.
+ Show Spoiler +
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On February 07 2010 15:35 Sapraedon wrote:^buttsecks request 2 posts up But no srs, feels bad man. Time will help, as always. + Show Spoiler +
way 2 ruin genuine human kindness
as i along with others have always been told, talk to someone who is going through the same thing or has been there before.
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FREEAGLELAND26780 Posts
5/5 man.
Good read, I feel like you do a lot...
Sometimes I just feel bipolar with everything going on in life. Just hang in there, things will be better.
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On February 07 2010 15:07 yooniball wrote:
You say you keep falling for her, due to your reoccurring thoughts about her. The solution to this would be to get rid of these thoughts. Now at first, this seems hard. I've gone through similar experiences too, but when you find the right group of friends and possibly a different girl to set your eyes on, forgetting about someone (not completely because I don't think that's possible seeing how much you like her) is much easier. I would recommend finding NEW things, such as new games, sports, toys, whatever it may be, to focus your attention on. For me, it was COD4MW2. It was like a magic pill. Oh, and I had gotten a beast computer, so that helped too. I guess you could say that turning to inanimate objects for relief could be considered partly a symptom of depression and anti social behavior but it has worked for me. Instead of thinking of this girl as a gf that you want to touch or kiss, think of her as a sister that you want to protect and be there for when she calls. Keep your distance from her but don't shut her out, because that's how you gain a "asshole" reputation. All this takes a lot of time but time is all you really need in these kind of situations. Your perception is skewed due to your affection for her but no return of any affection at the moment. You are confused because you can't understand simply why she doesn't show any affection, and I completely understand how you feel. You simply MUST NOT want to think things like "oh I think she still likes me" when you clearly know that she doesn't. Or else, you will fall harder when you do fall. Wean yourself from the situation slowly and eventually it'll just end. Good luck with your problems. Hope this helps.
Oh believe me, the one thing I want to find right now is a girl that will totally rock my world again. I've been thinking about that a lot as well.. I just want some girl to pop out of nowhere and just fall for her immediately and have her amaze me. However this is pretty far fetched. And yes it did help, thanks 
On February 07 2010 15:13 Raydog wrote:
holy shit...
i felt like i was reading my own life dude, I know exactly how u are feeling. hit me up on aim or msn or watevs, we are in the exact same predicament
My aim is maizexcrunner11 if you actually want to talk haha
On February 07 2010 14:59 il0seonpurpose wrote:
Being heart broken is the worst feeling ever
I'd agree tt
On February 07 2010 15:04 DrTJEckleburg wrote:
I don't have very helpful advice other than just telling you you're not an asshole for flirting with other girls. I'm glad you have been, it's time to move on, I used to get hung-up over girls in high school. The last time I did that I told myself to go out and meet 10 girls and then tell myself if she really was THAT special, the answer was no.
Every guy does(or used to do) the same thing you're doing, which is analyzing every bit of data and interaction between you and this individual, telling yourself or anyone else that acting earlier isn't helping. I believe you when you say that too, but you didn't, so just meet 10 girls and then look back after that and if you're still convinced she was just an angel put on Earth just for you, move on anyway.
I'm sure you're an awesome guy and this girl probably IS missing out, but it's her loss and it shouldn't be yours, you put your chips on the table and she called you out. Pick yourself up and go find someone else!
Glad you're in History Club though, representing the best subject out there!
History IS awesome! She's in the club as well though, haha. I like the optimistic attitude though, thanks
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EPT
