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My college admission essay

Blogs > Smokin_Squirrel
Post a Reply
1 2 Next All
Smokin_Squirrel
Profile Blog Joined November 2006
Korea (South)674 Posts
Last Edited: 2009-12-14 03:04:11
December 14 2009 02:59 GMT
#1
It's really close to being a final copy. I'm OK with most of the things here but writing isn't my strongest subject so I'm asking for advise here. I would really appreciate it if you could take time to read it over and offer tips or corrections.

Topic subject: Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.

+ Show Spoiler +

Classical music has been a part of my life longer than I can remember. My mother began listening to Mozart, Mendelssohn and her favorite, Vivaldi’s The Four Seasons, since I was in her womb. Even now my mother loves to listen to Spring, her favorite while she drives to work every morning. It’s because of her influences that I could never envision myself doing anything other than playing the violin.

I come from a family that has always been faced with great obstacles, even to this day. Both of my South Korean parents moved to the United States with 2 young children and without a means of communicating efficiently. This forced them to work in many different kinds of underpaying jobs with little opportunity for advancement. While we made enough to have a roof over our heads, it is now very clear to me how much they truly struggled for us to get by. Even today I recall those dreadful days when my father would argue that we could not afford the lessons after my mother had already paid for them, disregarding several bills completely in progress. I would shake in anger and fear as terror struck my heart to even imagine a future without my tiny violin. I realized after some time that I was taking my lessons for granted, unaware of how hard my parents had to work to be able to afford my lessons.

Although I loved being praised by the supportive people around me, I had little taste for practicing. While many people connected lack of practice to a lack of interest, my mother saw through this. She recognized more than anyone else that although I dreaded practice, playing the violin was one of the few things I truly enjoyed doing. She would pressure me to start practicing whenever I was loafing around the house wondering what to do. If that failed, she would threaten to stop my lessons as we both knew that I did not want to stop performing in front of people. If it was not for her determination to keep me practicing regularly, I may have never understood my true passion.

I have gained an enormous amount of support from my mother all throughout these years. I am still amazed that she agreed to help me in my endeavors to play music for the rest of my life as a career when she herself or none of the family on her side plays music. She would constantly fix my posture from the little she learned at my lessons whenever I was practicing. In addition to this, my mother never complained about the long distances she had to drive to get me to my lessons or rehearsals. She always came to every one of my concerts even when I told her the drive was exhausting.

Her support was a constant reminder of how important playing the violin really was to me. My mother understood me and my love for music more than anyone else. Through her efforts to keep me practicing and working hard, I discovered more and more with each passing year how much music would be an inevitable aspect of my life. It is because of her that I now have a means of perfectly communicating what words cannot.


Running is the essence of battle
anImaru
Profile Blog Joined June 2008
United States106 Posts
December 14 2009 03:03 GMT
#2
I would definitely admit your mother if I was the admissions committee.
GoShox
Profile Blog Joined December 2007
United States1837 Posts
December 14 2009 03:04 GMT
#3
I don't know what format it's supposed to be in or anything, but in a format like MLA, any number that can be said in one or two words should be in word form. For example, 2 = two.

leMaj24
Profile Blog Joined January 2009
United States262 Posts
Last Edited: 2009-12-14 03:05:15
December 14 2009 03:04 GMT
#4


goshox beat me to it
Smokin_Squirrel
Profile Blog Joined November 2006
Korea (South)674 Posts
December 14 2009 03:05 GMT
#5
On December 14 2009 12:03 anImaru wrote:
I would definitely admit your mother if I was the admissions committee.

Does that mean my essay is no good?
Running is the essence of battle
duckett
Profile Blog Joined June 2009
United States589 Posts
December 14 2009 03:06 GMT
#6
man college essays are so hard =/
reading your essay, i just feel like you need to connect the dots from mother -> music -> life with a specific story or something instead of your last paragraph or two because you're kindof just explaining general patterns (though admirable enough) of your early life

but im sure other ppl are better informed about essays than me
funky squaredance funky squaredance funky squaredance
motbob
Profile Blog Joined July 2008
United States12546 Posts
December 14 2009 03:06 GMT
#7
The first paragraph makes it sound like the essay is about classical music, not your mother o_O

I'd reword it to be something like "my mother's influence on me began with her playing classical music while I was in her womb" (but obviously much more eloquently worded.)
ModeratorGood content always wins.
duckett
Profile Blog Joined June 2009
United States589 Posts
December 14 2009 03:07 GMT
#8
On December 14 2009 12:03 anImaru wrote:
I would definitely admit your mother if I was the admissions committee.

this is way too general and not helpful =/
funky squaredance funky squaredance funky squaredance
FragKrag
Profile Blog Joined September 2007
United States11552 Posts
December 14 2009 03:09 GMT
#9
I like the essay, but you need to connect more of it to you.

"My mother began listening to Mozart, Mendelssohn and her favorite, Vivaldi’s The Four Seasons, since I was in her womb."

is an awkward sentence.
*TL CJ Entusman #40* "like scissors does anything to paper except MAKE IT MORE NUMEROUS" -paper
SanguineToss
Profile Blog Joined August 2009
Canada815 Posts
December 14 2009 03:09 GMT
#10
JW......what college?
ShaperofDreams
Profile Blog Joined December 2008
Canada2492 Posts
December 14 2009 03:09 GMT
#11
Lie/exaggerate more imo. Also i agree make sure to connect the things your saying with you passion for classical music.
Bitches don't know about my overlord. FUCK OFF ALDARIS I HAVE ENOUGH PYLONS. My Balls are as smooth as Eggs.
Smokin_Squirrel
Profile Blog Joined November 2006
Korea (South)674 Posts
December 14 2009 03:11 GMT
#12
On December 14 2009 12:09 FragKrag wrote:
I like the essay, but you need to connect more of it to you.

"My mother began listening to Mozart, Mendelssohn and her favorite, Vivaldi’s The Four Seasons, since I was in her womb."

is an awkward sentence.

I was really thinking hard about that sentence but I can't think of any other way to word that.
Running is the essence of battle
RLTY
Profile Blog Joined January 2009
United States965 Posts
December 14 2009 03:11 GMT
#13
It's really what everyone else is talking about. I think its fine to take the route that you're going to answer the question, but you have to keep the essay together. Otherwise, it feels messy and falls apart.
aleun
Profile Joined November 2009
United States27 Posts
December 14 2009 03:13 GMT
#14
I agree with the first reply. You never want the main focus of a college essay to be anything other than you. In this case, you've essentially written an essay about the merits of your mother. The writing is fine; just needs a little bit of refocusing.
BanZu
Profile Blog Joined June 2008
United States3329 Posts
December 14 2009 03:14 GMT
#15
I suggest taking a more specific experience/moment and then widen out from that.
Sun Tzu once said, "Defiler becomes useless at the presences of a vessel."
cunninglinguists
Profile Blog Joined November 2008
United States925 Posts
December 14 2009 03:16 GMT
#16
On December 14 2009 11:59 Smokin_Squirrel wrote:
Topic subject: Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.

Classical music has been a part of my life longer than I can remember. My mother began listening to Mozart, Mendelssohn and her favorite, Vivaldi’s The Four Seasons, since I was in her womb. Even now my mother loves to listen to Spring, her favorite song, while she drives to work every morning. It’s because of her influences that I could never envision myself doing anything other than playing the violin.
I come from a family that even to this day has always been faced with great obstacles, even to this day. Both of my South Korean parents moved to the United States with 2 two young children and without a means of communicating efficiently. This forced them to work in many different kinds of underpaying jobs with little low opportunity for advancement. While we made enough to have a roof over our heads, it is now very clear to me how much they truly struggled for us to get by. Even today I recall those dreadful days when my father would argue that we could not afford the violin lessons after my mother had already paid for them while disregarding several bills completely in progress. I would shake in anger and fear as terror struck my heart to even imagine a future without my tiny violin. I realized after some time that I was taking my lessons for granted, unaware of how hard my parents had to work to be able to afford my lessons.


my person feel for your essay at this point is that i can clearly see that you are sincere about your interest in the violin, but i feel that you introduce it too late and without any warning. you say "I could...violin" yet the majority of your next paragraph deals with your family's background. when you finally reference the violin again, you don't even specify that the lessons are indeed for violin.

On December 14 2009 11:59 Smokin_Squirrel wrote:
Although I loved being praised by the supportive people around me, I had little taste for practicing. While many people connected lack of practice to a lack of interest, my mother saw through this bluff. She recognized more than anyone else that although I dreaded practice, playing the violin was one of the few things I truly enjoyed doing.
She would pressure me to start practicing whenever I was loafing around the house wondering what to do. If that failed, she would threaten to stop my lessons as we both knew that I did not want to stop performing in front of people. If it was not for her determination to keep me practicing regularly, I may have never understood my true passion.
I have gained an enormous amount of support from my mother all throughout these years. I am still amazed that she agreed to help me in my endeavors to play music for the rest of my life as a career when she herself or none of the family on her side played music. She would constantly fix my posture from the little she learned at my lessons whenever I was practicing. In addition to this, my mother never complained about the long distances she had to drive to get me to my lessons or rehearsals. She always came to every one of my concerts even when I told her the drive was exhausting.
Her support was a constant reminder of how important playing the violin really was to me. My mother understood me and my love for music more than anyone else. Through her efforts to keep me practicing and working hard, I discovered more and more with each passing year how much music would be an inevitable aspect of my life. It is because of her that I now have a means of perfectly communicating what words cannot.


i feel that your essay lacks the "WOW" factor that makes it truly stand out amongst the crowd. many people will be writing about their mother, father or best friend and talk about how those respective people pushed the writer farther and harder in order to help them. the problem is that since so many people do this, if you're going to write on this you should make sure that your essay is top top-notch as the college admission officers obviously read many many essays a day.

i also think that you should connect your passion for music to the college. if you're applying to a music college, your essay makes complete sense. however if you're applying to another one, with a concentration in a different area of study, it might seem a bit off putting if you're going to say "I want to be a violinist". seeing as you didn't provide information as to which college you're hoping to attend, i'll assume its the former as that makes the most sense.

you should try to incorporate as much of 'you' in this as possible. while it is very very very important for you to talk about this other individual (in your case your mother), you should DEFINITELY talk about how this has made YOU a truly unique individual. perhaps you could say, "it was due to her devotion and love for me that has guided me to studying music at [name of school]." the point of a college acceptance essay is to know the applicant, not the applicant's mother. although this topic was questioning who influenced you, the real question being asked here and the most important one is "as a result of that person, how are YOU special now?"

i definitely don't claim to be an expert on this subject, but all of these pieces of advice were given to me by an amazing woman who was a previous stanford and later santa clara university admissions officer (for i believe a total of 12 years).

i sincerely hope you the best in your endeavors! good luck!
Kwidowmaker
Profile Blog Joined October 2007
Canada978 Posts
December 14 2009 03:17 GMT
#17
You need to edit for grammar. For example, in the second sentence you have "...began.. ...since.." Also, I found the writing rather dry and cliché. The first sentence was a major offender.

Despite that, I did like the narrative. It seems like your dad was the bad guy in this story, perhaps you either want to play that down or play it up.
Kk.
skronch
Profile Blog Joined December 2008
United States2717 Posts
December 14 2009 03:19 GMT
#18
On December 14 2009 12:07 duckett wrote:
Show nested quote +
On December 14 2009 12:03 anImaru wrote:
I would definitely admit your mother if I was the admissions committee.

this is way too general and not helpful =/

i think he has a point though. I realize the prompt says to indicate a person who has been an influence on you, but the point of your personal essay is to say something about yourself. I would spend more time elaborating how your mother's influence has helped you develop into a better, deeper, etc. person.
meaculpa
Profile Blog Joined November 2009
United States119 Posts
December 14 2009 03:28 GMT
#19
You spend days and weeks working on your essay, polishing it and all. The admission counselors will speed-read your essay, probably fail to notice your grammatical mistakes, and end up making the decision based on your race/SAT/GPA, in that order, anyway. But it feels good to think there's something you can do when all the hard facts are settled.
Blessed is the mind too small for doubt.
Smokin_Squirrel
Profile Blog Joined November 2006
Korea (South)674 Posts
December 14 2009 03:28 GMT
#20
Actually 80% of this essay was done in the last 4 hours.
Running is the essence of battle
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