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It's really close to being a final copy. I'm OK with most of the things here but writing isn't my strongest subject so I'm asking for advise here. I would really appreciate it if you could take time to read it over and offer tips or corrections.
Topic subject: Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.
+ Show Spoiler +
Classical music has been a part of my life longer than I can remember. My mother began listening to Mozart, Mendelssohn and her favorite, Vivaldi’s The Four Seasons, since I was in her womb. Even now my mother loves to listen to Spring, her favorite while she drives to work every morning. It’s because of her influences that I could never envision myself doing anything other than playing the violin.
I come from a family that has always been faced with great obstacles, even to this day. Both of my South Korean parents moved to the United States with 2 young children and without a means of communicating efficiently. This forced them to work in many different kinds of underpaying jobs with little opportunity for advancement. While we made enough to have a roof over our heads, it is now very clear to me how much they truly struggled for us to get by. Even today I recall those dreadful days when my father would argue that we could not afford the lessons after my mother had already paid for them, disregarding several bills completely in progress. I would shake in anger and fear as terror struck my heart to even imagine a future without my tiny violin. I realized after some time that I was taking my lessons for granted, unaware of how hard my parents had to work to be able to afford my lessons.
Although I loved being praised by the supportive people around me, I had little taste for practicing. While many people connected lack of practice to a lack of interest, my mother saw through this. She recognized more than anyone else that although I dreaded practice, playing the violin was one of the few things I truly enjoyed doing. She would pressure me to start practicing whenever I was loafing around the house wondering what to do. If that failed, she would threaten to stop my lessons as we both knew that I did not want to stop performing in front of people. If it was not for her determination to keep me practicing regularly, I may have never understood my true passion.
I have gained an enormous amount of support from my mother all throughout these years. I am still amazed that she agreed to help me in my endeavors to play music for the rest of my life as a career when she herself or none of the family on her side plays music. She would constantly fix my posture from the little she learned at my lessons whenever I was practicing. In addition to this, my mother never complained about the long distances she had to drive to get me to my lessons or rehearsals. She always came to every one of my concerts even when I told her the drive was exhausting.
Her support was a constant reminder of how important playing the violin really was to me. My mother understood me and my love for music more than anyone else. Through her efforts to keep me practicing and working hard, I discovered more and more with each passing year how much music would be an inevitable aspect of my life. It is because of her that I now have a means of perfectly communicating what words cannot.
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I would definitely admit your mother if I was the admissions committee.
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I don't know what format it's supposed to be in or anything, but in a format like MLA, any number that can be said in one or two words should be in word form. For example, 2 = two.
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goshox beat me to it 
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On December 14 2009 12:03 anImaru wrote:
I would definitely admit your mother if I was the admissions committee.
Does that mean my essay is no good? 
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man college essays are so hard =/
reading your essay, i just feel like you need to connect the dots from mother -> music -> life with a specific story or something instead of your last paragraph or two because you're kindof just explaining general patterns (though admirable enough) of your early life
but im sure other ppl are better informed about essays than me
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motbob
United States12546 Posts
The first paragraph makes it sound like the essay is about classical music, not your mother o_O
I'd reword it to be something like "my mother's influence on me began with her playing classical music while I was in her womb" (but obviously much more eloquently worded.)
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On December 14 2009 12:03 anImaru wrote:
I would definitely admit your mother if I was the admissions committee.
this is way too general and not helpful =/
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I like the essay, but you need to connect more of it to you.
"My mother began listening to Mozart, Mendelssohn and her favorite, Vivaldi’s The Four Seasons, since I was in her womb."
is an awkward sentence.
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Lie/exaggerate more imo. Also i agree make sure to connect the things your saying with you passion for classical music.
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On December 14 2009 12:09 FragKrag wrote:
I like the essay, but you need to connect more of it to you.
"My mother began listening to Mozart, Mendelssohn and her favorite, Vivaldi’s The Four Seasons, since I was in her womb."
is an awkward sentence.
I was really thinking hard about that sentence but I can't think of any other way to word that.
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It's really what everyone else is talking about. I think its fine to take the route that you're going to answer the question, but you have to keep the essay together. Otherwise, it feels messy and falls apart.
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I agree with the first reply. You never want the main focus of a college essay to be anything other than you. In this case, you've essentially written an essay about the merits of your mother. The writing is fine; just needs a little bit of refocusing.
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I suggest taking a more specific experience/moment and then widen out from that.
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On December 14 2009 11:59 Smokin_Squirrel wrote:
Topic subject: Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.
Classical music has been a part of my life longer than I can remember. My mother began listening to Mozart, Mendelssohn and her favorite, Vivaldi’s The Four Seasons, since I was in her womb. Even now my mother loves to listen to Spring, her favorite song, while she drives to work every morning. It’s because of her influences that I could never envision myself doing anything other than playing the violin.
I come from a family that even to this day has always been faced with great obstacles, even to this day. Both of my South Korean parents moved to the United States with 2 two young children and without a means of communicating efficiently. This forced them to work in many different kinds of underpaying jobs with little low opportunity for advancement. While we made enough to have a roof over our heads, it is now very clear to me how much they truly struggled for us to get by. Even today I recall those dreadful days when my father would argue that we could not afford the violin lessons after my mother had already paid for them while disregarding several bills completely in progress. I would shake in anger and fear as terror struck my heart to even imagine a future without my tiny violin. I realized after some time that I was taking my lessons for granted, unaware of how hard my parents had to work to be able to afford my lessons.
my person feel for your essay at this point is that i can clearly see that you are sincere about your interest in the violin, but i feel that you introduce it too late and without any warning. you say "I could...violin" yet the majority of your next paragraph deals with your family's background. when you finally reference the violin again, you don't even specify that the lessons are indeed for violin.
On December 14 2009 11:59 Smokin_Squirrel wrote:
Although I loved being praised by the supportive people around me, I had little taste for practicing. While many people connected lack of practice to a lack of interest, my mother saw through this bluff. She recognized more than anyone else that although I dreaded practice, playing the violin was one of the few things I truly enjoyed doing.
She would pressure me to start practicing whenever I was loafing around the house wondering what to do. If that failed, she would threaten to stop my lessons as we both knew that I did not want to stop performing in front of people. If it was not for her determination to keep me practicing regularly, I may have never understood my true passion.
I have gained an enormous amount of support from my mother all throughout these years. I am still amazed that she agreed to help me in my endeavors to play music for the rest of my life as a career when she herself or none of the family on her side played music. She would constantly fix my posture from the little she learned at my lessons whenever I was practicing. In addition to this, my mother never complained about the long distances she had to drive to get me to my lessons or rehearsals. She always came to every one of my concerts even when I told her the drive was exhausting.
Her support was a constant reminder of how important playing the violin really was to me. My mother understood me and my love for music more than anyone else. Through her efforts to keep me practicing and working hard, I discovered more and more with each passing year how much music would be an inevitable aspect of my life. It is because of her that I now have a means of perfectly communicating what words cannot.
i feel that your essay lacks the "WOW" factor that makes it truly stand out amongst the crowd. many people will be writing about their mother, father or best friend and talk about how those respective people pushed the writer farther and harder in order to help them. the problem is that since so many people do this, if you're going to write on this you should make sure that your essay is top top-notch as the college admission officers obviously read many many essays a day.
i also think that you should connect your passion for music to the college. if you're applying to a music college, your essay makes complete sense. however if you're applying to another one, with a concentration in a different area of study, it might seem a bit off putting if you're going to say "I want to be a violinist". seeing as you didn't provide information as to which college you're hoping to attend, i'll assume its the former as that makes the most sense.
you should try to incorporate as much of 'you' in this as possible. while it is very very very important for you to talk about this other individual (in your case your mother), you should DEFINITELY talk about how this has made YOU a truly unique individual. perhaps you could say, "it was due to her devotion and love for me that has guided me to studying music at [name of school]." the point of a college acceptance essay is to know the applicant, not the applicant's mother. although this topic was questioning who influenced you, the real question being asked here and the most important one is "as a result of that person, how are YOU special now?"
i definitely don't claim to be an expert on this subject, but all of these pieces of advice were given to me by an amazing woman who was a previous stanford and later santa clara university admissions officer (for i believe a total of 12 years).
i sincerely hope you the best in your endeavors! good luck!
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You need to edit for grammar. For example, in the second sentence you have "...began.. ...since.." Also, I found the writing rather dry and cliché. The first sentence was a major offender.
Despite that, I did like the narrative. It seems like your dad was the bad guy in this story, perhaps you either want to play that down or play it up.
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United States2717 Posts
On December 14 2009 12:07 duckett wrote:Show nested quote +On December 14 2009 12:03 anImaru wrote:
I would definitely admit your mother if I was the admissions committee. this is way too general and not helpful =/
i think he has a point though. I realize the prompt says to indicate a person who has been an influence on you, but the point of your personal essay is to say something about yourself. I would spend more time elaborating how your mother's influence has helped you develop into a better, deeper, etc. person.
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You spend days and weeks working on your essay, polishing it and all. The admission counselors will speed-read your essay, probably fail to notice your grammatical mistakes, and end up making the decision based on your race/SAT/GPA, in that order, anyway. But it feels good to think there's something you can do when all the hard facts are settled.
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Actually 80% of this essay was done in the last 4 hours.
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On December 14 2009 12:28 meaculpa wrote:
You spend days and weeks working on your essay, polishing it and all. The admission counselors will speed-read your essay, probably fail to notice your grammatical mistakes, and end up making the decision based on your race/SAT/GPA, in that order, anyway. But it feels good to think there's something you can do when all the hard facts are settled.
lolwat you're terrible at this
bad advice
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On December 14 2009 12:28 meaculpa wrote:
You spend days and weeks working on your essay, polishing it and all. The admission counselors will speed-read your essay, probably fail to notice your grammatical mistakes, and end up making the decision based on your race/SAT/GPA, in that order, anyway. But it feels good to think there's something you can do when all the hard facts are settled.
No idea what you're talking about, man. SAT and GPA scores mean a lot, sure, but only enough to get you through the preliminary "weeding-out" of inadequate students. Once you're up there with countless others with your EXACT (if not better) academic record, it's the essay that's gonna distinguish you from the pack.
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On December 14 2009 12:28 Smokin_Squirrel wrote:
Actually 80% of this essay was done in the last 4 hours.
And it shows. A lot of the posters had some very good comments. You should read their posts carefully and work on it a fair bit more.
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Just curious, what kind of college are you applying to? is it supposed to be just a standard or a musical college?
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the connection between your music interest and your mum isnt defined enough and it is too common.
too much emphasis placed on your mum. some one already said to use ONE specific event and branch it from there. Your essay is way too general and the readers cant get a clear "voice" from you.
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Ok let me put it this way:
As an admissions officer, all this makes me want to do is get me to admit your mother into our school. This doesn't tell me anything about you.
The purpose of these essays is to tell us why you want to come to this school, or what makes you a good candidate for this school. Explain just what you're mother did and what you feel about it, and in the process reveal why you are a good candidate.
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On December 14 2009 13:33 Smokin_Squirrel wrote:
Music school
wait..
ur applying to music school?
I'm pretty sure they won't give a damn about ur essay.. I wrote mine in class the day it was due, only like a paragraph long and didn't even proofread it. Just play ur violin man. Unless it's a school like Rice or something where they're really anal about having to be accepted into general admissions first and then the music school..
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On December 14 2009 12:16 cunninglinguists wrote:Show nested quote +On December 14 2009 11:59 Smokin_Squirrel wrote:
Although I loved being praised by the supportive people around me, I had little taste for practicing. While many people connected lack of practice to a lack of interest, my mother saw through this bluff. She recognized more than anyone else that although I dreaded practice, playing the violin was one of the few things I truly enjoyed doing.
She would pressure me to start practicing whenever I was loafing around the house wondering what to do. If that failed, she would threaten to stop my lessons as we both knew that I did not want to stop performing in front of people. If it was not for her determination to keep me practicing regularly, I may have never understood my true passion.
I have gained an enormous amount of support from my mother all throughout these years. I am still amazed that she agreed to help me in my endeavors to play music for the rest of my life as a career when she herself or none of the family on her side played music. From the little she learned, my mother would knew to constantly fix my posture from the little she learned at my lessons whenever I was practicing. In addition to this, my mother never complained about the long distances she had to drive to get me to my lessons or rehearsals. She always came to every one of my concerts even when I told her the drive was would be exhausting.
HerMy mother's support was a constant reminder of how important playing the violin really was to me. My mother understood me and my love for music more than anyone else did. Through her efforts to keep me practicing and working hard, I discovered more and more with each passing year how much music would be an inevitable aspect of my life. It is because of her that I now have a means of perfectly communicating what words cannot.
more corrections
just make sure you're answering the question thoroughly
don't get off-topic, etc
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Ill admit ur mother, but idk about u.
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I didn't need to write anything when I applied for universities. Go Canada!
/sarcasm end
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I didn't read it but I just want to say how proud I am of you.
And if your sister is still single get her to call me.
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Roffles
Pitcairn19291 Posts
I'm pretty sure everyone's said it already, but you really need to focus more on yourself. I know it might be hard at times to do so when you're not so narcissistic, but ya gotta do it.
And seriously, who gives a shit about essays? Took me more time to get my essay uploaded onto busy Common App servers at the last minute than the actual writing process.
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I changed shit without marking it. my comments are bolded
On December 14 2009 11:59 Smokin_Squirrel wrote:
Classical music has been a part of my life longer than I can remember. My mother began listening to Mozart, Mendelssohn and her favorite and Vivaldi’s The Four Seasons since I was in her womb. Even now my mother loves to listen to Spring, her favorite, while she drives to work every morning. It’s because of her influence that I envisioned myself mastering violin which taught me to conquer every obstacle in my way.
[fixed grammar, flow, and changed sentence with implication of limiting]
[ok, how does the first paragraph even begin to segway into the second? re-did last sentence]
I come from a family that has always faced with obstacles--even to this day. My parents moved from South Korea to the United States with two young children. This forced them to work in many different kinds of underpaying jobs with little opportunity for advancement. While we made enough to have a roof over our heads, its clear to me how much my parents struggled to get us by. [what?] Even now, [an example of how your situation improved], I recall those dreadful days when my father would argue that we could not afford the lessons after my mother had already paid for them--instead of several bills immediately due. I would tremble to even imagine a future without my violin. [why? how did you feel when you played it? what would you lose?] I realized after some time that I was taking my lessons for granted--I was unaware of how hard my parents had to work to afford my lessons.[you trembled that you were gonna lose your lessons but you still took them for granted?]
[dude..wtf..melodrama]
[again how are you gonna transition. im not doin it cuz i think your last part of that paragraph was shit]
Although I loved being praised by the supportive people around me, I had little taste for practicing. While many people connected lack of practice to a lack of interest, my mother saw through this. She recognized more than anyone else that although I dreaded practice, playing the violin was one of the few things I truly enjoyed doing. She would pressure me to start practicing whenever I was loafing around the house wondering what to do. If that failed, she would threaten to stop my lessons as we both knew that I did not want to stop performing in front of people. If it was not for her determination to keep me practicing regularly, I may have never understood my true passion.
[the implication here is that you aren't self-motivated.]
I've received an enormous amount of support from my mother throughout the years. I am still amazed that she agreed to help me in my musical endeavors; nobody in her family had ever pursued music before. She would constantly fix my posture from the little she learned at my lessons whenever I was practicing. In addition to this, my mother never complained about the long distances she had to drive to get me to my lessons or rehearsals.
She always came to every one of my concerts even when I told her the drive was exhausting. <--what
Her support was a constant reminder of how important playing the violin really was to me. [her support is what reminded YOU what was important to YOURSELF?] My mother understood me and my love for music more than anyone else. Through her efforts to keep me practicing and working hard, I discovered more and more with each passing year how much music would be an inevitable aspect of my life. It is because of her that I now have a means of perfectly communicating what words cannot.
What does this have to do with why you are qualified for college? You're basically telling admissions "my mother is the reason for all the success I've had" and coming across as fake and melodramatic.
What did you learn from her? What have you gained from her determination? How has your music playing turned you into a better person?
You can definitely use this theme for an essay..but I would suggest starting over. Make this essay so that whoever reads this will have their emotions spiked in a positive way. You want this to be so that somebody might see a person practicing violin or see a stressed out asian mom driving a kid to a music lesson and in the back of their head they'll remember you and your story.
how do I describe this..imagine a bunch of different drinks. you take a sip of each, and they're all exactly the same except one which has a bit of lime in it. while it may not be much, its different enough that most people would prefer that drink. you want to be that drink
when I wrote college essays, my "lime" was how when I was little I set up leprechaun traps. while this may seem ridiculous, I described how the open-mindedness and determination that caused me to do that led me other successful pursuits later in life. I'm so great and determined and perfect and shit, blahdy blahdy blah, but I subtly made concepts, goals and achievements I've gotten leprechauns (metaphorically of course). I finished off the essay saying "I've had highs and lows...I've had times where I felt my goals were insurmountable. [this would be specifically alluding to some event where I struggled, but I perservered--if I had the rest of the essay behind it] But never, for a single breath, have I stopped chasing leprechauns."
basically you want your essay to have:
-proper grammar
-correct spelling
-sensible transitions between paragraphs
-a logical and sequential flow between the topics of paragraphs (make an outline)
-some lime in your drink
my grades weren't extraordinary but my essay was. I got accepted into some schools that nobody thought I would. I worked on it with several english teachers and constantly revised and drafted it. Luckily it was vague enough that I could use it for most applications with little or no editing.
put some work into it and it will get you results. good luck
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Dude, you started off doing really well talking about violin lessons. That was really keeping my interest. But you lose focus and start talking about how important your mother is too you. That's all good and dandy, but focus on your passion for the violin. College essay graders will eat that shit up.
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Besides a little one or two line anecdote, your mom shouldn't matter. I mean, shit:
Even now my mother loves to listen to Spring, her favorite while she drives to work every morning'
what the hell does that have to do with anything? And you need to lose the bit about you disliking practicing. It shows that you have no discipline and you're likely to drag ass in school.
Outline your thing, something like this:
a) I want to study violin because of influences from my mother
b) Your interests in violin (aka NOTHING ABOUT YOUR MOTHER)
c) how your parents sacrificing bills to pay for your schooling motivated you (lib colleges get boners for bohemian stories like that)
d) Why violin study is right for you
e) maybe a tie in how you've always dreamed of doing it or something
You also have a ton of sentence structure and grammatical errors, but those are pretty much irrelevant until you have a cohesive kind of concept to write about... which you don't.
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EPT
