EPTMy life is pretty plain from my view point. I have a job working at a ropes course which I like a lot. I was going to college to get my degree in chemistry so I can work as a Bio technician or maybe even go to med school and work as a pharmacist. I don't have a girlfriend, not because I never had the chance to get to know girls or had those connections with girls, but more like I never felt I wanted/needed one. I had, and still have, a lot of friends and co-workers that are very nice and caring. Life was okay, I was happy with what I was doing and where it was going. Nothing was extraordinarily good or bad.
About a year ago I was hit with a few medical mysteries that surprised me. I felt numbness and a tingly sensation in my arms, especially my right arm. My arms felt like they were being stabbed by needles at certain times and weak at other times; the same with my legs. My balance felt off even though other people said I looked fine. All muscles individually twitched and spasm from time to time, which was a really weird sensation to keep having because it would happen when I was doing anything from simple daily chores to more intense physical activities. Any action, no matter how simple or hard, felt abnormal. All the actions felt weird, awkward, and digital as if I had gears and not joints. My muscles felt tense and times; my joints felt as if they were locked in place. My chest felt pressure and if there was weight on it. My breathe seemed short; every sentence I spoke felt as if I ran out of air midway and had to endure to finish the sentence. Needless to say this was a pretty scary point in my life.
I spent the last year going to doctors to see what was wrong and how I can treat myself. Even though I had 4 visits with different neurologists, 2 visits with my primary doctor, and had 4 blood tests, I still had still did not have a diagnosis or any form treatment for my symptoms. They all guessed anxiety (that’s the word that used: guess); I laughed. What is there that I'm anxiest or worried about? Everything was okay, so I laughed and joked about anxiety some more. The other ideas they had included Guillain Barre, early Parkinson, Multiple Sclerosis (MS) and many other neurological disorders. Even though I didn't know much about any of them, except MS, they didn't sound good. MS.., I don't want to have MS, having MS would mean I won't have a life anymore and most importantly I wouldn't be able to uber micro =(.
Time passed and symptoms got worse. It was hard to work or take on classes. I was less focused and more tired, nervous and weak. I NEVER want to feel like I did during that part of my life again.
More time passed and I've done mass research on these disorders/illnesses and decided to take a step forward even though it might be wrong. After I had a lot of time to think and research, I was felt I stupid to ignore anxiety even though it didn't match all the symptoms. I formed a treatment plan to cure myself of this fake illness. If anxiety isn't the culprit, oh well, I won’t lose too much. Since the treatment for anxiety is relaxation, exercise, and communication.
I thought about what I saw in myself and the people around me. I thought about what I wanted out of this life if I were to get it back to normal. I thought about the goals I would set for myself and how I can achieve them. I thought about how I can change the negative parts of me into something positive. I looked at myself in a way I never had before. Because of all that, I was and still am very motivated; as my crazy co-worker who happens to be a Marine would say, “I AM SO FUCKING MOTTO RIGHT NOW”.
For the past few weeks I been doing: breathing exercises, basketball, bike riding, weight lifting, yoga (so weird.. I’m the only guy I know doing it but I have to be honest. It feels pretty good doing it), stretches. I also got rid of or took on other types of activities to get rid of any form or stress. I made a lot more time available for friends and family, I expressed my feelings a lot more (One of the reasons why I wrote this). I also took the semester off school to help adjust to this change of life style.
ALL THIS FELT SO GOOD!! You are terran. You laid two spider mines and it kills 8 dragoons; YES! That good.
I think its working. Physically I feel a little better, but mentally... it’s great.
I took a bike ride where I had no destination or distractions; all I did was ride. I felt nothing from the outside world except for wind and the sun. No people, no buildings, no cars. I felt myself sweating. I felt my muscles burning; I felt my legs tiring and that didn’t matter because I felt happiness. I noticed myself smile. I was having fun and enjoying the moment. Nothing matter at that moment I was riding. I don’t know another way to describe the feeling except for: I felt grace…… 2 mines, 8 dragoons… grace…
At this point I don’t know if it is actually anxiety or some other illness but I do know this ordeal wasn’t all bad. I plan to keep living this way and slowly hopefully take on the responsibilities and goals I’ve had and once set. This wasn’t a change for a period in my life time, I feel as if this is a change in my life style. This is a new, more beautiful, and enjoyable road to walk on. I learned a lot about myself: the way I saw the world, and people, I learned a lot about the way held myself to the world, the way I dipped my toes into the water instead of diving in. I understand what I want and need, and what direction I want to go in. This feels like a new start to me.
This is post # 3 or #4 for me. But I lurked a lot and liked the people that posts and shares here, so I share.
I know this post seems poorly written but I did write it in 20 minutes and this wasn’t meant to be a analytical essay, just what’s going on. Thanks for reading.
