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Christmas time! The time for storytelling and all that Santa story stuff and being bad boys gets you rocks in your socks and all that fun crap.
Okay let's cut to the chase you can be as naughty as you want Santa doesn't give a fuck, in fact he can't give a fuck, cause he doesn't EXIST.
OHMYGOD PROOF:
+ Show Spoiler [CAUTION: MAY NOT BE SUITABLE TO FAGS] + No known species of reindeer can fly; BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.
There are 2 billion children -- persons under 18 -- in the world; BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish, and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.
Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house.
Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75 1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.
This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run tops 15 miles per hour.
The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized Lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds.
Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,000 tons. Traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this air will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecraft's re-entering the earth's atmosphere.
The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per Second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.
In conclusion, if Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve -- he 's dead now.
+ Show Spoiler [OMG CREDITS NOT TO ME] +Yeah, I got this off the internet a few years ago.
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You should totally do standup dude! Hilarious stuff!
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On December 10 2008 13:05 Frits wrote:
You should totally do standup dude! Hilarious stuff!
er okay?
thanks?
+ Show Spoiler +i can't tell if this is sarcasm or not :S
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darnit.
is it cuz every1's seen this already? ._. i thought it was funny
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You could say he does it by magic...
but then all you'd have is a Santa-Claus-of-the-gaps, and not a real Santa Claus at all.
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Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo but... but... Santa's MAGIC
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uhh i don't think reindeers are magic =D
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ITS CALLED CHRISTMAS MAGIC ASS
edit:
On December 10 2008 13:05 Frits wrote:
You should totally do standup dude! Hilarious stuff!
seconded
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I was in Alaska last year, and while I won't claim that Santa is magic, I will say that reindeer are magically delicious--they make incredible hot dogs!
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Lol ooookayyyyyyyy ?
this turned out to be better than i thought
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How has no comedian ever done this bit?
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I remember reading the translated version of this in a korean forum
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Also since when are there an average 3.5 children per home.. this seems like bullshit
..
this entire report is falsified!
SANTA IS REAL
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On December 10 2008 13:32 inReacH wrote:
Also since when are there an average 3.5 children per home.. this seems like bullshit
..
this entire report is falsified!
SANTA IS REAL
Well even if it averaged at 2.5, then that would make it more houses to visit, resulting in faster speed, resulting in stronger forces resulting in an even harder and bigger PWN
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I thought it was pretty decent.
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I showed my science teacher this indirect proof, and he was like "don't you know santa has a magic coat so that he doesn't get hit?"
and then i told him that santa doesn't have a mask so his face will get destroyed anyways
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well you're assuming a shitload:
-There's one good child per household... my ass, if anything i'd expect all the good children to be in one household, and all the shitty ones in another due to factors like parenting, school environment, etc.
-The houses are evenly distributed aroudn the Earth.... also my ass, like you said Santa doesn't handle stuff other than Christianity. and last time i checked christian populations are clustered up a bit. not to mention there'd be entire patches of africa, europe, asia, antartica, and the freaking oceans (over 70% of the surface of earth) that santa could completely ignore due to lack of christians.
-you're not factoring in time zones....
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On December 10 2008 13:30 inReacH wrote:
How has no comedian ever done this bit?
Because more people laughed the last time Ben Stiller did something wacky.
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On December 10 2008 13:38 Faronel wrote:
well you're assuming a shitload:
-There's one good child per household... my ass, if anything i'd expect all the good children to be in one household, and all the shitty ones in another due to factors like parenting, school environment, etc.
-The houses are evenly distributed aroudn the Earth.... also my ass, like you said Santa doesn't handle stuff other than Christianity. and last time i checked christian populations are clustered up a bit. not to mention there'd be entire patches of africa, europe, asia, antartica, and the freaking oceans (over 70% of the surface of earth) that santa could completely ignore due to lack of christians.
-you're not factoring in time zones....
well i know for a fact time zones are counted...
There's a good point made about the houses and distance though. :O
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On December 10 2008 13:38 Faronel wrote:
-you're not factoring in time zones....
On December 10 2008 13:03 OmgIRok wrote:
Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical).
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On December 10 2008 13:40 Frits wrote:Show nested quote +On December 10 2008 13:30 inReacH wrote:
How has no comedian ever done this bit? Because more people laughed the last time Ben Stiller did something wacky.
what the fuck did you just say
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Obviously Santa has arbiters so he can recall+cloak.
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Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), ----->> Well there's your answer for your 2nd point Faronel.
So the only thing that it is assuming is that there is atleast 1 good child per household. 
I guess you didn't read well enough.. or didn't read it at all. D=
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On December 10 2008 13:43 Luddite wrote:
Obviously Santa has arbiters so he can recall+cloak.
:O What does cloaking have to do with anything?
and every arbiter can only recall once (even with +50max), so there would have to be 1 arbiter for each house. O_o
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On December 10 2008 13:45 OmgIRok wrote:Show nested quote +On December 10 2008 13:43 Luddite wrote:
Obviously Santa has arbiters so he can recall+cloak. :O What does cloaking have to do with anything? and every arbiter can only recall once (even with +50max), so there would have to be 1 arbiter for each house. O_o
the cloak is because no one can see santa, of course!
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On December 10 2008 13:48 Luddite wrote:Show nested quote +On December 10 2008 13:45 OmgIRok wrote:On December 10 2008 13:43 Luddite wrote:
Obviously Santa has arbiters so he can recall+cloak. :O What does cloaking have to do with anything? and every arbiter can only recall once (even with +50max), so there would have to be 1 arbiter for each house. O_o the cloak is because no one can see santa, of course!
I thought people could see santa though, it's just that they're asleep.
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You know, believing in Santa is probably a sin
So fuck this overead piece of shit with it's fucking shittily calculated shit, fuck santa, fuck you, fuck your ugly grandma and get ready to suck some Santacock
ho ho ho asshole
jkjk
btw :O
jkjk
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On December 10 2008 13:45 OmgIRok wrote:Show nested quote +On December 10 2008 13:43 Luddite wrote:
Obviously Santa has arbiters so he can recall+cloak. :O What does cloaking have to do with anything? and every arbiter can only recall once (even with +50max), so there would have to be 1 arbiter for each house. O_o
Modified in campaign editor so recall requires 0 mana.
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On December 10 2008 13:53 blue_arrow wrote:
You know, believing in Santa is probably a sin
So fuck this overead piece of shit with it's fucking shittily calculated shit, fuck santa, fuck you, fuck your ugly grandma and get ready to suck some Santacock
ho ho ho asshole
jkjk
btw :O
jkjk
omg you fucking douchebag you meant all of shit! >:O
fuck you too!!
Jkjk
i'm just kidding, i meant it! BITCH OHHHHHHH
btw :O
the last 10 words were funny
jkjk
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Haha I really liked this one, the end was particularly good.
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There was good content, and I thought it was a decent read, but the delivery could have been much improved upon.
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On December 10 2008 13:05 Frits wrote:
You should totally do standup dude! Hilarious stuff!
Lol dude he didn't write it, he even said he didn't.
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On December 10 2008 13:44 OmgIRok wrote:Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), ----->> Well there's your answer for your 2nd point Faronel. So the only thing that it is assuming is that there is atleast 1 good child per household. I guess you didn't read well enough.. or didn't read it at all. D=
I didn't read the proof, so called, at all. I'm just making shit up as I go along and hope it somehow relates back to the post that i never read.
More importantly, what you're essentially saying is this "This rubix cube can destroy the Earth, which we know to be false, but let's accept that for now. I am now capable of destroyin the Earth"
You got me on the time zones point though.
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i saw this when I was in 6th grade ><
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On December 10 2008 14:00 Faronel wrote:Show nested quote +On December 10 2008 13:44 OmgIRok wrote:Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), ----->> Well there's your answer for your 2nd point Faronel. So the only thing that it is assuming is that there is atleast 1 good child per household. I guess you didn't read well enough.. or didn't read it at all. D= I didn't read the proof, so called, at all. I'm just making shit up as I go along and hope it somehow relates back to the post that i never read. More importantly, what you're essentially saying is this "This rubix cube can destroy the Earth, which we know to be false, but let's accept that for now. I am now capable of destroyin the Earth" You got me on the time zones point though.
Haha, I see what you are saying.... BUT STILL!!!...idk lol you have a good argument. (someone on TL back me up i can't beat this guy)
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On December 10 2008 13:58 Resonance wrote:Show nested quote +On December 10 2008 13:05 Frits wrote:
You should totally do standup dude! Hilarious stuff! Lol dude he didn't write it, he even said he didn't.
yes I read his post
I said that because it was really lame and we're not 8 anymore we've all realized that santa can't bring all kids presents. ha-ha-ha
And yes before you reply I get that the fact that it's supposed to be funny because it's so descriptive and calculated. It's about as funny as a xkcd comic which people on the internet seem to think is hilarious for some reason, ughhh.
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On December 10 2008 14:09 Frits wrote:Show nested quote +On December 10 2008 13:58 Resonance wrote:On December 10 2008 13:05 Frits wrote:
You should totally do standup dude! Hilarious stuff! Lol dude he didn't write it, he even said he didn't. yes I read his post I said that because it was really lame and we're not 8 anymore we've all realized that santa can't bring all kids presents. ha-ha-ha And yes before you reply I get that the fact that it's supposed to be funny because it's so descriptive and calculated. It's about as funny as a xkcd comic which people on the internet seem to think is hilarious for some reason, ughhh.
And that's why you decided to start hating/flaming/trolling/posting unnecessary things in this thread? (Rhetorical question by the way.)
It was seriously not needed though
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Dude All I want is another laptop which is freaking amazing
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On December 10 2008 14:15 OmgIRok wrote:Show nested quote +On December 10 2008 14:09 Frits wrote:On December 10 2008 13:58 Resonance wrote:On December 10 2008 13:05 Frits wrote:
You should totally do standup dude! Hilarious stuff! Lol dude he didn't write it, he even said he didn't. yes I read his post I said that because it was really lame and we're not 8 anymore we've all realized that santa can't bring all kids presents. ha-ha-ha And yes before you reply I get that the fact that it's supposed to be funny because it's so descriptive and calculated. It's about as funny as a xkcd comic which people on the internet seem to think is hilarious for some reason, ughhh. And that's why you decided to start hating/flaming/trolling/posting unnecessary things in this thread? (Rhetorical question by the way.) It was seriously not needed though
sorry bro didnt meant to disrupt any serious discussion in this thread
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hey have you heard of this show called friends by the way? it's like, totally funny !!! you should give it a try sometime, those guys get into the funniest situations LOL. :-)
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Not that there were any serious discussions, but talk about being a party pooper -.-
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funny but sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo old.
I know this story for 10 years ;D
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danggggggg 10 years........
i wonder who came up with this o_O
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On December 10 2008 15:29 OmgIRok wrote:
danggggggg 10 years........
i wonder who came up with this o_O
Wait, so does the title mean this story is posted once a year for every year since 10 years ago?
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It's obvious his sleigh is a vulture bike... and he just patrol-attacks all the chimneys... The Reindeer are just a feign to confuse Kerrigan
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Poor poor child that see this after going to 4chan and looking at horrible pictures comes over to tl.net for some nice cheerful people and finds out Santa doesn't excist.
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i hope santa gets me a razor for christmas
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On December 10 2008 13:38 Faronel wrote:
well you're assuming a shitload:
-There's one good child per household... my ass, if anything i'd expect all the good children to be in one household, and all the shitty ones in another due to factors like parenting, school environment, etc.
-The houses are evenly distributed aroudn the Earth.... also my ass, like you said Santa doesn't handle stuff other than Christianity. and last time i checked christian populations are clustered up a bit. not to mention there'd be entire patches of africa, europe, asia, antartica, and the freaking oceans (over 70% of the surface of earth) that santa could completely ignore due to lack of christians.
-you're not factoring in time zones....
lol
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17020 Posts
If you’re skeptical of Santa’s abilities to deliver presents to millions of homes and children in just one night, NC State University engineering professor Dr. Larry Silverberg can explain the scientific principles that allow the Jolly Old Elf to pull off the magical feat year after year.
Newswise — Don’t believe in Santa Claus? Cutting-edge science explains how Santa is able to deliver toys to good girls and boys around the world in one night.
If you’re skeptical of Santa’s abilities to deliver presents to millions of homes and children in just one night, North Carolina State University’s Dr. Larry Silverberg, professor of mechanical and aerospace engineering, can explain the science and engineering principles that allow the Jolly Old Elf to pull off the magical feat year after year.
With his cherubic smile and twinkling eyes, Santa may appear to be merely a jolly old soul, but he and his North Pole elves have a lot going on under the funny-looking hats, Silverberg says. Their advanced knowledge of electromagnetic waves, the space/time continuum, nanotechnology, genetic engineering and computer science easily trumps the know-how of contemporary scientists.
Silverberg says that Santa has a personal pipeline to children’s thoughts – via a listening antenna that combines technologies currently used in cell phones and EKGs – which informs him that Mary in Miami hopes for a surfboard, while Michael from Minneapolis wants a snowboard. A sophisticated signal processing system filters the data, giving Santa clues on who wants what, where children live, and even who’s been bad or good. Later, all this information will be processed in an onboard sleigh guidance system, which will provide Santa with the most efficient delivery route.
Silverberg adds that letters to Santa via snail mail still get the job done, however.
Silverberg is not so naïve as to think that Santa and his reindeer can travel approximately 200 million square miles – making stops in some 80 million homes – in one night. Instead, he posits that Santa uses his knowledge of the space/time continuum to form what Silverberg calls “relativity clouds.”
“Based on his advanced knowledge of the theory of relativity, Santa recognizes that time can be stretched like a rubber band, space can be squeezed like an orange and light can be bent,” Silverberg says. “Relativity clouds are controllable domains – rips in time – that allow him months to deliver presents while only a few minutes pass on Earth. The presents are truly delivered in a wink of an eye.”
With a detailed route prepared and his list checked twice through the onboard computer on the technologically advanced sleigh, Santa is ready to deliver presents. His reindeer – genetically bred to fly, balance on rooftops and see well in the dark – don’t actually pull a sleigh loaded down with toys. Instead, each house becomes Santa’s workshop as he utilizes a nano-toymaker to fabricate toys inside the children’s homes. The presents are grown on the spot, as the nano-toymaker creates – atom by atom – toys out of snow and soot, much like DNA can command the growth of organic material like tissues and body parts.
And there’s really no need for Santa to enter the house via chimney, although Silverberg says he enjoys doing that every so often. Rather, the same relativity cloud that allows Santa to deliver presents in what seems like a wink of an eye is also used to “morph” Santa into people’s homes.
Finally, many people wonder how Santa and the reindeer can eat all the food left out for them. Silverberg says they take just a nibble at each house. The remainder is either left in the house or placed in the sleigh’s built-in food dehydrator, where it is preserved for future consumption. It takes a long time to deliver all those presents, after all.
“This is our vision of Santa’s delivery method, given the human, physical and engineering constraints we face today,” Silverberg says. “Children shouldn’t put too much credence in the opinions of those who say it’s not possible to deliver presents all over the world in one night. It is possible, and it’s based on plausible science.”
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On December 10 2008 13:45 OmgIRok wrote:Show nested quote +On December 10 2008 13:43 Luddite wrote:
Obviously Santa has arbiters so he can recall+cloak. :O What does cloaking have to do with anything? and every arbiter can only recall once (even with +50max), so there would have to be 1 arbiter for each house. O_o
protoss <3 christmas.
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United States3824 Posts
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United States3824 Posts
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santa uses quantum tunnelling to deliver the presents so fast
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On December 11 2008 02:31 Empyrean wrote:Show nested quote +If you’re skeptical of Santa’s abilities to deliver presents to millions of homes and children in just one night, NC State University engineering professor Dr. Larry Silverberg can explain the scientific principles that allow the Jolly Old Elf to pull off the magical feat year after year.
Newswise — Don’t believe in Santa Claus? Cutting-edge science explains how Santa is able to deliver toys to good girls and boys around the world in one night.
If you’re skeptical of Santa’s abilities to deliver presents to millions of homes and children in just one night, North Carolina State University’s Dr. Larry Silverberg, professor of mechanical and aerospace engineering, can explain the science and engineering principles that allow the Jolly Old Elf to pull off the magical feat year after year.
With his cherubic smile and twinkling eyes, Santa may appear to be merely a jolly old soul, but he and his North Pole elves have a lot going on under the funny-looking hats, Silverberg says. Their advanced knowledge of electromagnetic waves, the space/time continuum, nanotechnology, genetic engineering and computer science easily trumps the know-how of contemporary scientists.
Silverberg says that Santa has a personal pipeline to children’s thoughts – via a listening antenna that combines technologies currently used in cell phones and EKGs – which informs him that Mary in Miami hopes for a surfboard, while Michael from Minneapolis wants a snowboard. A sophisticated signal processing system filters the data, giving Santa clues on who wants what, where children live, and even who’s been bad or good. Later, all this information will be processed in an onboard sleigh guidance system, which will provide Santa with the most efficient delivery route.
Silverberg adds that letters to Santa via snail mail still get the job done, however.
Silverberg is not so naïve as to think that Santa and his reindeer can travel approximately 200 million square miles – making stops in some 80 million homes – in one night. Instead, he posits that Santa uses his knowledge of the space/time continuum to form what Silverberg calls “relativity clouds.”
“Based on his advanced knowledge of the theory of relativity, Santa recognizes that time can be stretched like a rubber band, space can be squeezed like an orange and light can be bent,” Silverberg says. “Relativity clouds are controllable domains – rips in time – that allow him months to deliver presents while only a few minutes pass on Earth. The presents are truly delivered in a wink of an eye.”
With a detailed route prepared and his list checked twice through the onboard computer on the technologically advanced sleigh, Santa is ready to deliver presents. His reindeer – genetically bred to fly, balance on rooftops and see well in the dark – don’t actually pull a sleigh loaded down with toys. Instead, each house becomes Santa’s workshop as he utilizes a nano-toymaker to fabricate toys inside the children’s homes. The presents are grown on the spot, as the nano-toymaker creates – atom by atom – toys out of snow and soot, much like DNA can command the growth of organic material like tissues and body parts.
And there’s really no need for Santa to enter the house via chimney, although Silverberg says he enjoys doing that every so often. Rather, the same relativity cloud that allows Santa to deliver presents in what seems like a wink of an eye is also used to “morph” Santa into people’s homes.
Finally, many people wonder how Santa and the reindeer can eat all the food left out for them. Silverberg says they take just a nibble at each house. The remainder is either left in the house or placed in the sleigh’s built-in food dehydrator, where it is preserved for future consumption. It takes a long time to deliver all those presents, after all.
“This is our vision of Santa’s delivery method, given the human, physical and engineering constraints we face today,” Silverberg says. “Children shouldn’t put too much credence in the opinions of those who say it’s not possible to deliver presents all over the world in one night. It is possible, and it’s based on plausible science.”
I can't find anything in literature about relativity clouds....
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The christ child delivers my presents!
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United States996 Posts
op doesnt account for magic
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lol i can just imagine a burst of speedy flames in the sky and some kid yelling "noooooo santaaaaa!!"
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Santa always had the same handwriting as my mom.
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Assuming that Santa can actually read kids' minds and deliver all their presents in one night (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we have now completed the proof.
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I'm going to post this every year
and have Frits post in this thread every year too
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Should do one of these posts about the hilarity in believing God.
And sorry in advance to anyone I may have insulted.
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On December 11 2008 08:33 OmgIRok wrote:
I'm going to post this every year
and have Frits post in this thread every year too
i'll be happy to post some rather argumentative posts next year as well.
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On December 10 2008 13:38 Faronel wrote:
well you're assuming a shitload:
-There's one good child per household... my ass, if anything i'd expect all the good children to be in one household, and all the shitty ones in another due to factors like parenting, school environment, etc.
-The houses are evenly distributed aroudn the Earth.... also my ass, like you said Santa doesn't handle stuff other than Christianity. and last time i checked christian populations are clustered up a bit. not to mention there'd be entire patches of africa, europe, asia, antartica, and the freaking oceans (over 70% of the surface of earth) that santa could completely ignore due to lack of christians.
-you're not factoring in time zones....
None of that matters when you deaf while being covered in Rudolphs melting skin.
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On December 11 2008 07:32 CharlieMurphy wrote:
Santa always had the same handwriting as my mom.
LOL! good one
My parents never really told me santa stories.
I just got presents.. haha
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On December 11 2008 04:46 Exousia wrote:
magic > physics
physics = magic
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SANTA EXIST IVE SEEN HIM IN A SHOPPING DEPARTMENT.
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Here's my theory.
Santa doesn't visit just anybody. Haven't you noticed your parents leaving presents, pretending to be Santa? That's because you aren't really good. There are probably only about 462 good children in the world to whom Santa actually brings presents. I mean, most children are pretty rotten.
Our no child left behind culture doesn't like to see exceptional children put on a pedestal, so we have this lie that Santa visits everyone, and the parents all go along with it so their children can feel special too.
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On December 17 2008 18:01 MamiyaOtaru wrote:
Here's my theory.
Santa doesn't visit just anybody. Haven't you noticed your parents leaving presents, pretending to be Santa? That's because you aren't really good. There are probably only about 462 good children in the world to whom Santa actually brings presents. I mean, most children are pretty rotten.
Our no child left behind culture doesn't like to see exceptional children put on a pedestal, so we have this lie that Santa visits everyone, and the parents all go along with it so their children can feel special too.
:O Well thought out. I will have to disagree with your theory though, because the no child left behind culture is like, US only.
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-Bump because it's almost that time of year again! ^^ yay holidays and winter break gogogogo winter breakkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
w00t w00t
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why's everyone bitching? Everyone knows that santa doesn't exist but i bet no one knew any of the other stuff.
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o.o i really don't get the point of this but OK
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christmas is a magical time of the year because santa is magical which means his magic > physics.
also, the person who said magic = physics is wrong because this magic defies the laws of physics in such ways that even the most complicated explanations of physics still fall short.
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EPT
