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+ Show Spoiler + So it took me a really long time to figure out what to write, and it'll probably be long, so I will try and make it as easy on the eyes as I can.
So I've been sitting at my desk for about half an hour just thinking. About an hour ago I found out that my neighbor, a junior who I've known almost my whole life died. I was sad, but I was at play practice and wasn't sure if it was true or not, so I just put it out of my mind.
About 45 minutes ago play practice ended, and I got confirmation. I tear up and all that, but nothing more than the realization that I'll never see her again was on my mind.
Half an hour ago, when I got home, I found out that she committed suicide, and I just got angry. And since then, I've been thinking of what to say to the only people who I know can be mature, so here goes.
It pisses me off that there's so much shit that it can drive someone from happiness to suicide in only a few years. It pisses me off that people are such assholes to each other, that so few take time to try and empathize with others, that so many people are so ignorant to the problems of a friend that it's hard to find someone to confide in. I have the rest of my life to be sad, but right now I'm just pissed off.
It pisses me off that she didn't come to me, that I couldn't help her. It pisses me off that it's too late for me to be a part of her life, and it's sure as hell too early for me to be seeing her death. It pisses me off when I see people who didn't know her post these statuses on Facebook about her death. I know it's completely unreasonable, but I just feel like if you didn't have any impact on her life, why should it be your responsibility to post such a status?
Most of all, it pisses me off that I have to go back to school tomorrow and just go on with my life. That I'll have to walk the hallways with people talking about her, and I'll probably hear a whole lot of disrespectful things. People talking like they knew her, knew her family's situation, knew her situation. It pisses me off that there's so many people in this world, and in each of our respective worlds, and yet there's still the possibility for this to happen to someone, and for there to be families that have to go through such an unimaginable situation. It pisses me off that the best that I can do for her two brothers and parents is say “I'm here for you,” and move on with my life.
It pisses me off that she won't have the opportunity to be happy again, that she won't have the opportunity to be successful, to gather more knowledge, to enjoy life. That she was so sad and fed up with the world, that I can only imagine much of her last living moments were consumed with such sad thoughts about the world, that's what pisses me off, and that's what gets me mad at this fucking planet.
So if you're still reading, thanks a lot for hearing me rant, I just needed to get my thoughts out. I'm gonna go cry now.
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Vatican City State733 Posts
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Are you fucking kidding me? Your other partner and I intentionally divide the work so you will have almost nothing to do. And you don't fucking format it? You don't include everything we tell you to include? You don't make the small edits we ask you too since we can't access those files? Fuck you. You're fucking smart, but you don't fucking try. You don't show up to class, you aren't current, you can't hardly help the group. Clean up your act, god damn it. I can't wait until the group evals sir
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+ Show Spoiler +
I am at that point. Whenever I see these news stories about how people killed other people, or beat the shit out of someone else, and everyone freaks out, I am at that point where it doesn't affect me. My anger is now part of me, not just some passing feeling. Instead of being content mostly, and angry transiently, I am angry mostly, and content transiently. My anger is my default. When I am in the shower, I am angry. When I am eating breakfast, I am angry. When I am walking, I am angry. When I go to sleep at night, I AM ANGRY. ALWAYS. I can't deal with this. I am at my breaking point.
I want help, but I don't want someone to help me.
I want to be alone, where I can just be angry and never had to deal with anything, we I can scream and cry and hurt things and no one will come and ask me what is wrong I DON'T WANT SOMEONE TRYING TO HELP I DON'T WANT YOUR FUCKING HELP YOU STUPID GODDAMN CUNT. I have gotten enough help out of my so-called treatments, all those stupid fucking therapists, all those kilograms of stupid fucking medicine, enough help from every distraction I ever went to for solace. IT. DOESN'T. FUCKING. HELP. NOTHING DOES, AND NOTHING WILL.
I hate myself, and I hate that I hate myself. I hate that nothing will bring me out of this depression that I have been in since I was ten fucking years old. I hate that I am ugly, both inside and out. No one knows me like I do, and no one hates me more than I do. I hate that I am bad at everything I do. I hate that I can never live up to my own expectations, and I hate that I always try to gain everyones' stupiud fucking approval. I hate that all the people I ever tried to love never returned it. I have nothing to offer, and nothing to take. I don't know what I am. And I hate that I have to deal with this fucking bullshit.
I love to hate.
It's all building up and building up and building up and building up and building up and no one realizes how close to the edge I am. And they just keep pushing. One of these days, homicide or suicide is on my schedule.
I hate that this is a passing drama, that tomorrow by around 12 o'clock I will have forgotten this unimaginable rage I have. And then it will return, and every single time I have been angry for the last six years will come rushing back at me and the rage will destroy me, and I will lose myself. Again. Again. Again. Again.
Misanthropy is my solace, and hate is my love. I want everything to collapse, I want to see the world that I have known for all these years just implode and send all this cocksucking optimists into oblivion where they can suffer. I want them to suffer, as I have suffered, and I want you, personally you, to shed the seas of tears that I have. I want you to bellow and scream as all this pent up fury is injected within you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.
I want someone to forgive me, I want to wipe the shit stained slate of glass that is my life clean. I want to be reborn into a pitch black room of shadows, without anything to show me the glories nor pains of existence. Just me. Just me, alone and apathetic. Because that's who I really am. A pathetic, apathetic shell. I don't see anything to live for because there is nothing for me to contribute.
Why.
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On February 28 2012 08:44 CyDe wrote:+ Show Spoiler +
I am at that point. Whenever I see these news stories about how people killed other people, or beat the shit out of someone else, and everyone freaks out, I am at that point where it doesn't affect me. My anger is now part of me, not just some passing feeling. Instead of being content mostly, and angry transiently, I am angry mostly, and content transiently. My anger is my default. When I am in the shower, I am angry. When I am eating breakfast, I am angry. When I am walking, I am angry. When I go to sleep at night, I AM ANGRY. ALWAYS. I can't deal with this. I am at my breaking point.
I want help, but I don't want someone to help me.
I want to be alone, where I can just be angry and never had to deal with anything, we I can scream and cry and hurt things and no one will come and ask me what is wrong I DON'T WANT SOMEONE TRYING TO HELP I DON'T WANT YOUR FUCKING HELP YOU STUPID GODDAMN CUNT. I have gotten enough help out of my so-called treatments, all those stupid fucking therapists, all those kilograms of stupid fucking medicine, enough help from every distraction I ever went to for solace. IT. DOESN'T. FUCKING. HELP. NOTHING DOES, AND NOTHING WILL.
I hate myself, and I hate that I hate myself. I hate that nothing will bring me out of this depression that I have been in since I was ten fucking years old. I hate that I am ugly, both inside and out. No one knows me like I do, and no one hates me more than I do. I hate that I am bad at everything I do. I hate that I can never live up to my own expectations, and I hate that I always try to gain everyones' stupiud fucking approval. I hate that all the people I ever tried to love never returned it. I have nothing to offer, and nothing to take. I don't know what I am. And I hate that I have to deal with this fucking bullshit.
I love to hate.
It's all building up and building up and building up and building up and building up and no one realizes how close to the edge I am. And they just keep pushing. One of these days, homicide or suicide is on my schedule.
I hate that this is a passing drama, that tomorrow by around 12 o'clock I will have forgotten this unimaginable rage I have. And then it will return, and every single time I have been angry for the last six years will come rushing back at me and the rage will destroy me, and I will lose myself. Again. Again. Again. Again.
Misanthropy is my solace, and hate is my love. I want everything to collapse, I want to see the world that I have known for all these years just implode and send all this cocksucking optimists into oblivion where they can suffer. I want them to suffer, as I have suffered, and I want you, personally you, to shed the seas of tears that I have. I want you to bellow and scream as all this pent up fury is injected within you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.
I want someone to forgive me, I want to wipe the shit stained slate of glass that is my life clean. I want to be reborn into a pitch black room of shadows, without anything to show me the glories nor pains of existence. Just me. Just me, alone and apathetic. Because that's who I really am. A pathetic, apathetic shell. I don't see anything to live for because there is nothing for me to contribute.
Why.
This sounds quite serious. I can't say i know how you feel, but i hope for you, that you figure out our anger and get past it. What happened 6 years ago that made this all start? Just trying to help, even if you don't want it.
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+ Show Spoiler +For FUCKS SAKES, who the hell makes a unit that can fly, attack with 6 range and basically win the game by itself. I mean hell, why even macro it's not like the term real time strategy HAS THE FUCKING TERM STRATEGY at the end of it. Is it coming to the main by the short distance? Long distance? are they attacking with 2 banshees in the same area? are they doing a full on 1/1/1. IT DOESN"T FUCKING MATTER because I lose either way. I obviously need 3 observers to scout and defend my bases in case they do go cloak, but if not a silly marine tank push comes in and wrecks my day...... THen you have to try and offensive gg me after the game! Seriously, you expect me to gg on a build thats scouted and yet I have lost to for months on end and was knocked out of my first lan IN LIKE NOVEMBER OF 2010 or some shit like that, ya 1/1/1 has been around that long?
But no no, thats just the beginning of this god awful 1/1/1 push, I defend your first bullshit attempt to kill me with some units remaining and my main full of probes, you must be out of minerals, out of units WHATS GOING ON where is all this shit coming from. And here comes that second push, 8 banshees 3 hellions and a bunch of marines. 14 stalkers + a fuck ton of gateway units should be enough..... Shouldn't it? SHOULDN"T IT.... no, I was wrong these expensive, weak ass high tech protoss units can't do shit and die. Complain about toss all you want, I don't care but when you come to offensive gg me after 1/1/1ing which inherently involves guesswork, frustration etc just don't expect a nice reply back. Im not a nice korean who says ww after each loss, I get pissed off when a scoutable all-in is the most difficult part of starcraft 2.
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+ Show Spoiler +Mine isn't very serious. I'm just so fucking tired of always meeting girls that i'm genuinly attracted to, in places or times that make it IMPOSSIBLE to work. The girls i've mentioned have felt the same way for me. I met one while i was in france for a month, on a trip that included her. She lives 4 hours away from me (i live in MD), and it could never work(she has a boyfriend also, but admitted to liking me). I'm still very good friends with her, and she and her friends were at the NAIMUN or w/e in DC a few weeks ago. Met one of her friends and was captivated in the 2 hours we hung out. I've talked to her on facebook and we were both taken by each other.
Except i live 4 hours away from her, and she's a senior this year. (only a junior for me). I just meet the right girls at the most inopportune times. It's really fucking annoying.
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+ Show Spoiler +Why can't I be good at something? I'm completely useless. I have nothing that I can be proud of that is unique. A lot of my friends (and family) are talented as musicians, or they are good artists. Some are athletes and play sports well. Some are just genuinely smart. I have nothing. I don't play any instruments, I'm not good at sports. I'm not very intelligent, I can't write well, I can't draw well, I'm not especially funny... I don't even have a driver's license yet and I don't know how to swim! I have a few friends but I'm pretty quiet and shy, so I don't go out of my way to do things. The one thing I enjoy doing is Starcraft, and guess what, I'm not even good at that! I just wish there was something that I could be proud of. Something that I could tell people and they'll say "oh, that's cool!" but nope. I'm just mediocre and that's all I ever will be.
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+ Show Spoiler +I have to take fucking Survival Evasion Resistance Escape training (S.E.R.E.) to go on vacation to pick up my wife from Korea. What the fuck??? I just came from Korea last month and now my new job in Texas is telling me that I need to take Anti Terrorism training because I'm going to a foreign country?? WHAT THE FUCKING SHIT? I lived in Korea for over 4 years and not even once have I had any problems with "terrorists" or bad people in general. This is so stupid! JUST fucking let me go on vacation and see my mother-in-law, brother-in-law, father-in-law, and my wife for fucks sake! Stupid security system!
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+ Show Spoiler + ![[image loading]](http://www.speedtest.net/result/1800926839.png) ... ... ... SLÆDKJNGFASIKLØDHFBGASEKØUEIJMDXFHNCDSRUIFHSDBFUJLHGDBFIGEARJBFNBOIKEDAJFNGDÆGVJGBHNGEIKØFJHGBAEDÆOFJBHAR-GÆLJHBDAØFGKJHBSDRFØKTHJBERØTKJHB SLOWER THAN 96% OF NORWAY?!?! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!??!?!?!?!?
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+ Show Spoiler +I really want to know from a protoss player exactly what sort of brain retardation they have that causes them to ever lose versus zerg.
Literally, once the gateway is built, they may as well offensive gg if that have >10 IQ. Then again, picking toss must me you're a pretty massive dick anyway, so that might be why.
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On February 17 2012 15:48 Ben... wrote:+ Show Spoiler +I just had a physics midterm that was not fair to the students in any way. I did around 40 hours of studying for it, including doing every odd numbered question for the required chapters in the textbook (so I can check answers obviously) along with 4 old midterms until I had them memorized and a bunch of supplementary material and none of it was any help. Only one of the questions was remotely related to our materials and the rest were written in such a convoluted way that it was hard to figure what they were even asking for (This was for a written part where there are 4 questions and you pick 3). My lab partner thinks she failed it and she had really high mark in the first term version of this class. I just don't get it, am I doing something wrong or do they want me to fail? I've done nothing but study for the last month and none of it is paying off. I should have just stayed in business school and slacked off like most of my friends instead of doing something I actually had interest in. Wow this actually felt kinda good to write, got rid of a lot of frustration.
+ Show Spoiler +Update on this. We got marks back for the physics midterm, the average was around 30%, I got 35, and the highest mark was in the low 70s. They had to reweigh the midterm from 25% to 10% because the average was so low. They asked for feedback on why people did so bad. I sent my response telling them that the long answer questions felt quite unreasonable and much harder than the old midterms that we have access to for studying.
In other news, I'm probably switching into computer science from math. I really like math but I just don't think this is for me. The bonus is I'm basically done all of the non-CS classes (all mandatory math, english, humanities, so I can focus only on CS and my last few electives. The only downside is that I might have to do the first year CS classes during summer, which I don't mind because I like school more than working.
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On February 28 2012 11:20 Aocowns wrote:+ Show Spoiler + ... ... ... SLÆDKJNGFASIKLØDHFBGASEKØUEIJMDXFHNCDSRUIFHSDBFUJLHGDBFIGEARJBFNBOIKEDAJFNGDÆGVJGBHNGEIKØFJHGBAEDÆOFJBHAR-GÆLJHBDAØFGKJHBSDRFØKTHJBERØTKJHB SLOWER THAN 96% OF NORWAY?!?! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!??!?!?!?!?
I feel your pain.
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On February 28 2012 11:41 Zealos wrote:+ Show Spoiler +I really want to know from a protoss player exactly what sort of brain retardation they have that causes them to ever lose versus zerg.
Literally, once the gateway is built, they may as well offensive gg if that have >10 IQ. Then again, picking toss must me you're a pretty massive dick anyway, so that might be why.
+ Show Spoiler +Hi, hows it up there? Thats a mighty high horse you have. I take it you have never seriously played protoss. One day maybe, you will ladder as protoss, and lose to zerg. On that day one might ask themselves, if protoss who lose to zerg have an IQ under 10, and i play zerg, and just lost to zerg as protoss, what does that make me?
The answer is obvious, ignorant and angry over a video game.
Srsly tho, try playing all the races and find the frustrations with them all, maybe then you will realize getting mad over things like this are retarded in their own right. Chances are you are losing because of yourself and not because of your race. Just a hunch tho.
Gl hf gg.
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+ Show Spoiler +I hate it when you like someone and you think they like you back but you aren't 100% sure and your afraid that if you ask them out, then they wouln't be your friend anymore. I've wanted to ask out my best friend for a while now, and I'm pretty sure she likes me. She said "will you sleep with me tonight" in French while we were in art. And while everyone at our table was playing spin the bottle only replace kissing with hypothetical sex (we were bored while we were waiting to leave lunch lol) so we were "picked" i guess you would call it, and she sort of loudly wispered yessssss in an obvious way. Also it's not just those 2 instances that have given me the feeling that she likes me, those were just the biggest ones. Anyway I know it looks really stupid from the outside, but i'm actally really terrified that we woln't be friends if she says no. I also hate the fact that i can't get one damn second alone with her. After litteraly 2 months, not a single moment alone. Also, I'm in middle school and our group of friends is errotic as hell (not really a problem per se). First world problems indeed.
Any advice?
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+ Show Spoiler +I fucking hate my school, we may this monumental fee per year and yet it is still filled with so much crap. For example, 90% of the teachers are complete shit and most of the buildings and what not have not even been upgraded for like a fucking decade. Also, I'm way above average in terms of academics and grades but yet I'm now put in this special package just because of my effort grades. SERIOUSLY? Judging people on their effort is so stupid that it hurts just to think about it. It is such a judgemental way to look at how well a person is doing in school. How about all the fucking idiots who do shit even though they try?
Also, today I was walking out of assembly with my earphones on, and a teacher tells me off because apparently it is still class. REALLY? ARE YOU FUCKING RETARDED? I can use my earphones and listen to music in the majority of my classes whilst I'm doing work, and you say that I can't walk out of assembly listening to music? Seriously, how is that even fucking 'class time'? Sigh.
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+ Show Spoiler +I fucking hate how god damn white America is. I mean, I know that America is full of white people--and I do like white people. I'm dating a white girl right now. but damn man, white people just have to fuck everything up when it comes to politics, when it comes to national sovereignty, when it comes to poverty--just everything! It's like, whenever you look deeply into a problem you realize some young/old white dude is behind the whole thing! And when you finally find some black/Asian/middle eastern dictator that does stupid crazy shit--you can at least give him the break of the fact that he at least keeps his crazy shit in his own fucking country unlike Hitler or Stalin or Bush or Reagan or whoever! It's never some random country next to Ethiopia that threatens to rule the world--it's fucking Germany it's fucking America, its fucking Russia! I mean, I know the mongols fucked up the world so bad that people don't understand that Iraq and Afghanistan were actual world powers that mattered and not just so much dirt spread across so much hate--but damn it man! All around me I'm surrounded by white people filled so much privilege that it makes me puke. Sometimes it makes me want to scream!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
+ Show Spoiler +Saying that, I hate how fucking attractive white girls are. It's really unfortunate for me.
+ Show Spoiler +
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On February 28 2012 13:17 gunman103 wrote:+ Show Spoiler +I hate it when you like someone and you think they like you back but you aren't 100% sure and your afraid that if you ask them out, then they wouln't be your friend anymore. I've wanted to ask out my best friend for a while now, and I'm pretty sure she likes me. She said "will you sleep with me tonight" in French while we were in art. And while everyone at our table was playing spin the bottle only replace kissing with hypothetical sex (we were bored while we were waiting to leave lunch lol) so we were "picked" i guess you would call it, and she sort of loudly wispered yessssss in an obvious way. Also it's not just those 2 instances that have given me the feeling that she likes me, those were just the biggest ones. Anyway I know it looks really stupid from the outside, but i'm actally really terrified that we woln't be friends if she says no. I also hate the fact that i can't get one damn second alone with her. After litteraly 2 months, not a single moment alone. Also, I'm in middle school and our group of friends is errotic as hell (not really a problem per se). First world problems indeed. Any advice? Dude man the fuck up, she's giving you so many indicators of interest that it's ridiculous. Her pussy is WET for you bro, dive in.
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+ Show Spoiler +Protoss is pretty stupid. Why the fuck doesn't blizzard undertstand that Terran can't win a game 15-30 min? It is a fucking 15 minute window where Terran loses every single game. This is stupid. I fucking quit. Find me playing Tetris. That atleast isn't fucking unbalanced as shit. Blizzard fuck off.
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+ Show Spoiler +ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME HOW AM I DOING SO SHITTY TODAY!??!?!
IT DOESN'T MAKE A FUCKING SENSALKENFALISDEHFLA DFUDFKDSFL
SD
FUFKC
F
FUCK
F
AREAEFARSEFLSEIF
!!!!
ahahrher
/CRY
....
...
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....
*SIGH*
FUCK
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On February 28 2012 13:42 Kamais Ookin wrote:Show nested quote +On February 28 2012 13:17 gunman103 wrote:+ Show Spoiler +I hate it when you like someone and you think they like you back but you aren't 100% sure and your afraid that if you ask them out, then they wouln't be your friend anymore. I've wanted to ask out my best friend for a while now, and I'm pretty sure she likes me. She said "will you sleep with me tonight" in French while we were in art. And while everyone at our table was playing spin the bottle only replace kissing with hypothetical sex (we were bored while we were waiting to leave lunch lol) so we were "picked" i guess you would call it, and she sort of loudly wispered yessssss in an obvious way. Also it's not just those 2 instances that have given me the feeling that she likes me, those were just the biggest ones. Anyway I know it looks really stupid from the outside, but i'm actally really terrified that we woln't be friends if she says no. I also hate the fact that i can't get one damn second alone with her. After litteraly 2 months, not a single moment alone. Also, I'm in middle school and our group of friends is errotic as hell (not really a problem per se). First world problems indeed. Any advice? Dude man the fuck up, she's giving you so many indicators of interest that it's ridiculous. Her pussy is WET for you bro, dive in.
Maaan, this is what I was thinking. She is REALLY hot for you!
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EPT
