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Where do I start......
My whole life up till now is sort of a blur. I can only remember snippets of my childhood and teenage years, the parts I remember are usually memories I despise. The earliest memory I have is of my sister forcing me to ride in a wheel chair that was tied to a electric wheel chair when I was three. The wheel chair flipped and my arm was stuck between the pavement and the chair. I feel like I can still hear my arm scraping the concrete until it snapped. The only other memories I have of that time are of the person I believed to be my father beating my alcoholic mother.
When I was around four he went to jail, and my mother continued to tell me he was my real father until I was around six. My mother eventually met my step father, my mother, my older sister, and I moved in with him and his two sons. I was the baby.. awww how cute. One of the most vivid memories I have was when my mother and step father were high on crank, pot, and drunk. This was a frequent thing in our household. They would blare music until late until the night, I wouldn't be able to sleep and I would be soo tired at school the next day. Eventually our house got raided and that put a stop to the major drug use. (well not really, but it was less obvious)
My 'parents' were saved, and continued to abuse other things, and other drugs. Well eventually life flew by and I reached the age of sixteen or so. My mother had told me my entire life that I was going to hell, and if I were gay she would disown me, and things like that, luckily i'm not gay. She continued to abuse alcohol and a few other substances. Like most people my age, my parents hated video games and anything that had to do with technology. Well this year my life would change and I didn't even know it yet. My step brothers were total fuck ups, but were constantly praised by their loving father. One was expelled, overdosed, died, was brought back to life and is now kind of slow. The other crashed 3 cars, stole one, and robbed two different stores he worked at, not to mention got a few girls pregnant. None of that mattered though, because I played Video GAMES. EVIL terrible AWFUL video games.
Well my mother in a drunken rage one night tried to kick my door down at 1 in the morning, then proceeded to kick me out of our home. These sorts of arguments happened from time to time, so I didn't really thing that much of it, mistake. The next morning I arrived at what I thought was my home to be told "get your shit and get out" My mother was a very stubborn woman. So I proceeded to call my friends and find a place to live, I had a job so I had some money. I lived at a few different friends houses. Six months or so went by, and I was living at one of my friends homes. I hadn't talked to my mother since she had booted me from my home. My two friends got into a prank off, and eventually my friends parents used it as an excuse to ask me to leave. I received a phone call that went "Hey we are going to be gone today, can you get all your stuff and move out. Thank you" The only thing I could think of was Happy Birthday to me, I turned 17 on that day.
I slept in my car for a little while, and asked my step brother if I could stay at his house for a night. He told me that was fine and so I headed over to his house after a few hours, nobody answered the door and he didn't answer his phone... Begrudgingly I called my mother to ask if I could stay at her house again. She answered and acted as though nothing had happened at all, "sure come home" she said. It was as though I was gone only a weekend or so. We didn't say much over the next few weeks.
I was lucky enough to get tickets to go to a anime expo on forth of July weekend in Anaheim, that was only a few hours from where I lived. So me and a couple of my friends went there for the weekend. I have never been as selfish as I was that weekend. My mother called me one of the nights to see how I was doing, I was taken back a little bit. We talked for a few minutes, where I was completely smug to her. She wasn't feeling very well, and I could tell, so I wanted her to have some of the pain she continued to make me feel during my entire life. I was very young, and being very stupid, I thought I had hung up the phone and I proceeded to call her a bitch and talk shit about her to my friends. I received a voicemail where she told me she was very hurt. I didn't care though, because I was having the time of my life.
Well the time came to come home. I was very tired from the drive, and I was suppose to work for my step dads company the morning after I got back. While I was kicked out I got them to sign papers to put me in independent studies and give me a full time job so I could afford to live. I called my step dad that morning and told him I was sick, he didn't say much. My mother called me and I will never forget was she said. She bitched me out, and the last words I heard come out of her mouth were "Drew, I'm disappointed in you, and your life" I never knew I would never speak to her again. She went to the hospital a few days later, I thought she was just a little sick so I didn't go see her. The women smoked like 3 packs of cigarettes a day, and drank a lot. Over the next two weeks she had a heart attack, went into a coma, and was essentially brain dead. My entire life my mother had constantly told me she would die young, I would get so mad at her for telling me this. She was right though, we 'pulled the plug' and she died at the age of 43 years old. None of the doctors had answers, and they never did in the end at all. I took 2 days off work and then went back to it like nothing happened, I had to take care of my sister who is 7 years older then me, and some of my mom's relatives. I remember holding my aunt every night for over a week so that she could go to sleep at night. My step dad proceeded to try to kill himself with alcohol and pain medication. I had to carry him to bed quite a lot of times. I despised everyone, I just thought to myself "how week are these fucking people"
Eventually it hit me, and I went into a deep depression, my step father started blaming me for everything and tried to fight me. He told everyone I tried to break his nose, and told me that he wished I had died instead of my mother, among other horrible things. 8 years or so have passed, and I moved a few hours away, and don't talk to anyone but my sister. I deeply regret not trying to help my mother, my whole life I knew she was a loving wonderful woman who was drowning in deep psychological pain. I was looking through some old things she had written recently (she loved to write poetry) She wrote lots of poems directed at me, and they truly are divine, I wish I could just tell her once that I loved her.
I mean, i'm 24 years old now. I have a good job, I'm in a good place, but I continue to just feel like a horrible person most of the time.
I'm not sure where i'm going with this rant thing. I wish these were the worst things that have happened to me, but they are just the icing on the cake. I'll leave those others for another time though.
Apologies for the bad grammar.
TLDR: it's ok it's just a silly short spert of my life.
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Wow. Are you still working at your step dad's company after he started fighting with you?
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Aotearoa39261 Posts
Holy shit dude. Pretty incredible that you've come out of that ok - relatively speaking of course.
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You have guilt from your mom because you spoke badly too her before she died. Ultimately she did pretty terrible things to you when you were a young kid, but, like you said, there was most likely something behind all of that. I'd like to think she loved you, if only that was masked behind drug abuse and a bad past. You are a standup guy man, and no this wasn't a short spert of your life, this ended up taking up the most important formative years of your life. You can cope man, you are definitely not an orchid, that's for sure.
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No Suichoy, I don't work at his company anymore. After my mother passed I stopped working there because my step father is a total asshole. I moved away, and found work at other company's.
Yea Plexa, it's only the half of it too. I can't believe I've come out alright, I have a pretty level head, I don't do any drugs, or smoke, I drink on a very rare occation, and I'm fairly healthy.
Docvoc,
It's hard for me to remember anything in my passed, and over the years I've slowly thought about it less and less. When something like your mother dying happens to you it's like getting hit by a train every day, and slowly the train slows down and it hurts a little less each day. It's been a long process, and I've never had any counseling, and nobody in my life, or family has really ever tried to help me through it. I think because of this, I've been a lot more introverted in my personal life then I would of been. Most people think i'm extroverted, because it's easy for me to talk to anyone, but I don't actually let anyone get close to me or know me very well. I've been abused by others over the years as well so that's probably part of it.
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Your parents are fucking pieces of shit. You should have left as soon as you could and burnt all your bridges, what the fuck?
But you're a smart man. And an honest one. And so you did what your responsibilities necessitated you do, despite all the shit that was constantly being flung at you. And that's the mark of true strength.
Don't take the first lines to heart, if you feel otherwise. They're simply my reaction to all the shit your parents put you through. In a way, though, they are truest sentiments I have. If you are being honest about them, then the fact that they abandoned the responsibilities which they owed you by right of life for drugs and debauchery? Fucking disgusting. Your mother may have loved you. She may have been suffering from deep psychological pain.
But to feel sorry for her and what she did after she threw you out on the dirt just shows me how strong and honest a man you are. If it were me in your position, I would have burned all those bridges with a smile of satisfaction on my face.
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On May 09 2013 00:59 Qwyn wrote:
Your parents are fucking pieces of shit. You should have left as soon as you could and burnt all your bridges, what the fuck?
But you're a smart man. And an honest one. And so you did what your responsibilities necessitated you do, despite all the shit that was constantly being flung at you. And that's the mark of true strength.
Don't take the first lines to heart, if you feel otherwise. They're simply my reaction to all the shit your parents put you through. In a way, though, they are truest sentiments I have. If you are being honest about them, then the fact that they abandoned the responsibilities which they owed you by right of life for drugs and debauchery? Fucking disgusting. Your mother may have loved you. She may have been suffering from deep psychological pain.
But to feel sorry for her and what she did after she threw you out on the dirt just shows me how strong and honest a man you are. If it were me in your position, I would have burned all those bridges with a smile of satisfaction on my face.
haha, don't worry man if I was sensative I probably wouldn't be here. Everyone is entitled to their oppinion.
I can't say that I don't agree with you completely. As a child, and a young adult I contemplated escaping my environment many of times. When I was 16, before I was kicked out, I had even set myself up with a place to live in Las Vegas. I was going to leave without saying anything, and never look back. I also thought about every way I could escape my life, including taking my own life. I even wrote a few suicide notes as a teenager, but luckily I could never go through with it. There was one thing in my life that was stable, and that was the relationship I had with my sister. We are only half siblings, but she was always the person I found my joy in as a kid. She is 7 years older then I am, and we have different fathers. Her father is in her life and somewhat an unstable man, he lived far away, and my sister would spend some time with him. My father on the other hand, I don't know anything about the man, no name, no anything really. I only know one thing about my real father and that's that he had schizophrenia. That's the only thing I was ever told, and it haunts me to this day. I do not have this disease, but I worry that if I have children they might. Regardless, I could never escape for fear of the pain that my sister would feel, she was more then devastated by our mothers death, and they were very close. My sister used me to keep her stable afterwards, she still struggles to this day with it. If it weren't for my sister I would burn all the bridges, and never look back. Unfortunatly I am unable to do that, but she is a wonderful person, even if she is delusional about how difficult her life is compared to mine. I gave her some perspective recently and she has changed for the better, it's a nice feeling.
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Incredible story man, I simply cannot relate to what it was like being in your shoes. My life is on the opposite end of the spectrum compared to yours. If you don't fall into deep depression again, I can see you being extremely successful later on in life. So considering that these are mere fragments of the puzzle and that the past is a blur.. how did you end up relatively okay? What made you different than your siblings?
On May 08 2013 15:25 sva wrote:
I despised everyone, I just thought to myself "how week are these fucking people"
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On May 09 2013 04:57 SteelSinger wrote:Incredible story man, I simply cannot relate to what it was like being in your shoes. My life is on the opposite end of the spectrum compared to yours. If you don't fall into deep depression again, I can see you being extremely successful later on in life. So considering that these are mere fragments of the puzzle and that the past is a blur.. how did you end up relatively okay? What made you different than your siblings? Show nested quote +On May 08 2013 15:25 sva wrote:
I despised everyone, I just thought to myself "how week are these fucking people"
I just realized I mispelled 'weak' haha...
I think there are a few elements that had to do with me being so different from my siblings. The first thing was that I spent summers with my grandparents, well sort of. I would spend 2-3 months of the years with my grandmother and my step-grandfather. In my eyes he was my real grandfather but we have no blood relation, I actually even have his last name, so I don't have a clue what half my heritage is. They lived in the middle of no where on a farm, about 8 hours from my home. My grandparents introduced me to two things that would change my life, hard work and video games. We'd wake up at the roosters call, work our asses off, and then I would either play or watch one of my grandparents play games. My grandmother was like most grandmothers, sturn, stuborn, insanse, and slightly racist. Her favorite game was Tetris. Her husband on the other hand is the most level headed person I've ever met, and he introduced me to Zelda, and simliar games. He was stern, but he wasn't irate, he was a korean war vet. This man is who I looked up to.
The second thing is that ever since I can remember I was secluded. My last name was different, there was a large age difference between us, I was the baby, it was very obvious to everyone that I learned faster and would overall be more intelligent then most of my family members. I think they secluded me when they started to realize they couldn't beat me at anything that was skill or intelligence based. Eventually I decided I wanted to be nothing like this sack of losers, and I used my hard work and stubburness I adopted from my mother to succeed I guess.
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Interesting, you see children are usually sculptured by their environment they grow up in. At first I thought you were always in the environment you described, so it seemed unusual for me to understand how you became so drastically different than your counterparts. Alas it seems you were placed in a different environment, compared and contrasted and got shit together. Awesome.
Although you still have a problem, like yourself I did have trouble to stop "regretting" moments or things I've done, in fact some of them are just bottled up inside and closed tightly with a cork. Whether or not it's a smart thing to do, I'm simply too proud and refrain from seeing a Psychologist or medical professional of some sort. Eventually I do want to open myself up, let it go, release the pressure, and spill the beans to another person.. but that person has to be my significant other, a member of the opposite sex. Unfortunately I think that time will be in roughly a decade.. lol. Maybe you should start looking for yours?
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Northern Ireland25070 Posts
I've been feeling rather shitty about my life of late, thanks for the post man, rather put things into perspective and forced me to pull myself out of it so to speak.
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On May 09 2013 13:03 SteelSinger wrote:
Interesting, you see children are usually sculptured by their environment they grow up in. At first I thought you were always in the environment you described, so it seemed unusual for me to understand how you became so drastically different than your counterparts. Alas it seems you were placed in a different environment, compared and contrasted and got shit together. Awesome.
Although you still have a problem, like yourself I did have trouble to stop "regretting" moments or things I've done, in fact some of them are just bottled up inside and closed tightly with a cork. Whether or not it's a smart thing to do, I'm simply too proud and refrain from seeing a Psychologist or medical professional of some sort. Eventually I do want to open myself up, let it go, release the pressure, and spill the beans to another person.. but that person has to be my significant other, a member of the opposite sex. Unfortunately I think that time will be in roughly a decade.. lol. Maybe you should start looking for yours?
Haha yea, you see I've done this spilling of beans to 3 different woman i've dated. It only made matters worse. I would say it's half my fault for dating women who are not as grown up as I am, but it's hard to find someone who is. The first serious relationship I had was when I was 18, I dated this girl for about a year and 8 months. Things were going well and I spilled my guts all over the floor for her, including a lot of things I haven't expressed on this forum. We went through a pretty bad breakup, and I was actually her sisters roomate at the time. She started to tell people all sorts of lie's to make me look bad, which I don't really care about, but that was right before I moved. I was then harrased by her and her friends for about a year. Prank phone calls every other weekend that poked fun at my dead mother, and of that sort. She actually drunkenly called me one night to tell me "I wish you were dead like your mother". I was never really mad at her, just hurt over how people can be so brutal to someone they loved. Passion is a crazy thing, and passion can fall and burn hard.
The next girl I dated seriously a few years after that, had some emotional issues of her own. She was raped by her uncle as a child, and had trouble dealing with that. I helped her through some of her problems and we dated roughly 2 years. She moved in with me, and she knew more about my life then anyone I've ever talked to. I was working two jobs at the time, and I was clearly unhappy, and at times we didn't help each other. She didn't really have a clue how to help me, and that sort of pissed me off. I started acting standoffish, and again I was working around 65-70 hours a week. Alas she cheated on me with my roomate, who was actually one of my co-workers as well. I still work with the guy, and see him most business days. Again, I wasn't really mad at them for what they did, just hurt that they could fuck me over so bad. That was about a year and 7 months ago. I've been dating another girl since then, and it's going well, but obviously it's hard for me to get close, and it's hard for her to understand. She's a from Korea, and is a little older then I am, but she also lives at home, and is not as experienced as I am.(lots of people aren't haha)
My ex-friend/roomate was so affraid of me for a long time, but I never hit him, or anything like that. I still talk to him from time to time, but obviously it's not the same. On a side note I met him at a lan center, and we became friends because we both played starcraft hahaha.
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Yeah unfortunately what you've experienced is what I'm afraid what will happen to me, though I do agree that it is hard and could take decades to find someone that will completely bond with you. Just like anything else, if you put hard work, dedication, time, and knowledge into whatever you seek, you will eventually become successful and it will be totally worth it.
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On May 10 2013 13:05 SteelSinger wrote:
Yeah unfortunately what you've experienced is what I'm afraid what will happen to me, though I do agree that it is hard and could take decades to find someone that will completely bond with you. Just like anything else, if you put hard work, dedication, time, and knowledge into whatever you seek, you will eventually become successful and it will be totally worth it.
Yea man, the one thing I know i've learned in life is that the world keeps moving no matter what happenes. And I can't stop just because something bad has happened to me, or anyone else. You have to find happiness in the things you love, and in the simple things.
Even though i've had a hard time, I still have a lot of things going for me.
One thing i've always tried to not do is compare my situation to other peoples. Everyone has their own struggels, and it's how we surpass them that helps us find out who we are.
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EPT
