EPTI'm BabyToss and I have a confession to make - I fell in love with StarCraft2 hopelessly.
I'm going to note down my own thoughts, feelings and experiences, as I walk the path of learning of the beloved game we all play, StarCraft2. My goal is to reach 1v1 Diamond League and to become overally well-rounded Protoss player being able to contribute to the community in return.
Yes, one of these ramblers, one of absolutelly unknown people is starting a blog. Actually, I was inspired by a blog by Peanutsc, my thanks go to her, as her dedication is indeed inspiring - as awkward as it sounds, there are some things which struck me as very familiar and resembled my own self. At first, I was hesitant to start writting my own musings, but then I just decided and go ahead with it; to get through all my fears and worries; after all, if someone trolls me, it's not like the world is ending.
My Gaming/RTS/StarCraft 2 Background
RTS/StarCraft past?
I could easilly say none. To elaborate - I did finish the campaign for Protoss in original SC/SCBW; but I was around 14 years old back then and I had no internet access back then. I still remember how much I enjoyed the game regardless. The mysterious Protoss mixed with Psionic abilities and high technology. It was very intriguing for me back then. Don't laugh, I was around 14 (I got SC1 around the time it was released). I made a campaign for Protoss, with around fourteen maps with all the nifty effects, story and triggers for few of my friends who played StarCraft back then; only to have it deleted by my older brother. That's how my StarCraft past ended; I never touched original SC again.
Gamer/nerd child
I never really played any other RTS after that. I went on and played RPG's; now considered as classic - TES: Arena, TES: Daggerfall, Diablo, Ultima Online...these were games of my childhood. In fact, due to my father working in the game sale branch back then, I basically grew up on playing video games. I remember old SEGA console, where I also played my very first games. My first computer was, I believe 386; with old Windows 3.11. When I was around 15, I got stuck on ultima Online for next three or four years. Even back then, most of my peers saw me as weirdo, nerd. I didn't care. I loved my fantasy worlds, I loved to write my own stories. Besides fantasy, I loved sci-fi hopelessly; although back then, I didn't play many sci-fi games. I read quite some books though - one of my first sci-fi books being Ender's Game which I still remember and still appreciate how much I enjoyed the book. My another love was.. and still is, Star Wars. I've been passionate about them since I was six and blessed be my father for that, as he too shared some love for them. It's actually connected to my gaming past as well.
Around summer 2004 I bumped into game called Jedi Knight: Jedi Academy (JKA for short). For those who don't know it; it's action-based game focused on sabering the hell out of your opponents. Back then, I did medieval reenactement so it got me all hooked, because the combat system was rather unique compared to other action-based games. To not bore you all to death, since nobody knows this old fossil excuse for the game anyways; I got stuck with this game for next six years; being quite competitive player in ESL (European league stuff) for some time and then getting back to my roots; engaged in roleplaying community, who made their very own modification to turn the game into RPG.
Enter the StarCraft2!
When my significant half mentioned he'd be getting us StarCraft2, I wasn't that much excited. I was almost sure I'd enjoy the game, but the most I was expecting was to play several games with him and our son. It stemmed down from me being used to RPG's and Jedi Academy too much, as well as I realized I'd suck at the game, as it'd be my second RTS.. I simply didn't expect the game to awake something I didn feel since my JKA competitive days: That urge to become a good player. To overcome the challenges the game sets before me. And this is where the story begins, where the obstacles to be met, struggled against and if I am strong enough, overcome.
Why are you writting all of this down?!
I'm asking myself that question right now as well, haha! In all seriousness; in real-life I am kind of person, who can get very enthusiastic, passionate and energetic about things, but I have troubles to stick with them, whenever I face obstacles, whenever I fail. I tend to talk myself down, bash myself and berate myself, eventually to give up. And you see; that's never good. Not only in StarCraft2, but also in life. So, it's not only to try hard and to become a well-rounded StarCraft2/Protoss player, but it's also to face my real-life struggles; to prove that I can do stuff if I try hard enough and to defeat my real-life struggles through something I love.
Why StarCraft2?
When I first played the game, it was actually just for the fun with my son and significant half. You know, all the usual jazz; we all struggled against medium AI's. I picked Protoss, my significant half picked Terran and (don't ask me why, I have no idea..), my son picked Zerg. Most of you have a glimpse of how pure newbies play. My husband turtled hard with bunkers, I went for cannoning up myself in the base, getting Gateways just because I needed them for air units. And, then I went and massed Void-Rays, Carriers and got a Mothership out. In the end, it worked and I actually laugh when I think of these days, when I considered Protoss ground units as something not worth my while...
Slowly trying to get to the point why I feel so strongly about StarCraft2 - Eventually, I wanted to try to play against real players. Also, because I always felt that multiplayer games are to be played with people, I decided to try, and find some people who'd share games with me. I found few players to play me and no surprise there, to demolish me hard. This is where all of this started. I was pointed to look at day9's 'Mental Checklist'. I admit I just didn't do it, when being advised to do it for the first time, because when I loaded the video, it was too long for my tastes. I just wanted to play more, I believed I'd learn more that way.
I couldn't be more mistaken.
Many more losses later, I actually decided to watch Day9's 'Mental Checklist'. That's when I got to see for the first time that the game is far far far more challenging and difficult than I thought it would be. It all seemed to easy in Day9's video; heck, I was clicking everything back then, I had no idea people actually use hotkeys and all that stuff. So when I tried, I burnt myself so hard. Please note, I had still no courage to even try the ladder, I mostly played people who I had in my buddy list, getting beaten very, very hard. Of course, me being me, I was frustrated with myself. I knew I wasn't making any improvement. But, watching all these people playing, being all over the map at the same time, I was amazed. I knew I wanted to become stronger; better player, because the game was challenging me on mental, mechanical and intellectual level at the same time.
First steps
...were painful, as I mentioned already. Back then, I had no idea about the very fundamentals. Only after Day9's 'Mental Checklist' the realization came; sort of. I still had no idea what 'macro' and 'micro' were. Many more beatings recieved later, I met someone, who told me about Build Orders and how important these are for the early game. This was stage, when I began to get an initial understanding what macro is and how important it was. As you can imagine, my macro was basically non-existant then. I was still in the process to getting used to hotkeys too, to re-learn from being clicker.
Around late October I tried to do my placement matches. Man, it was disaster. I lost three of my five games and of course, I kicked myself so hard for it, as it's my probably bad habit. Admittedly, I played two of my placement matches quite drunk, after my significant half taunted me to do some other stuff I considered rather silly by then. But no matter; I placed in Bronze.
The only pain is that of when you grow...
After that, I didn't touch ladder for long, long time. I went back to playing these few people in my buddy list. Getting beaten on every day basis, but I felt that some aspects of my game were getting stronger. I was focusing on getting my macro better all the time. Because, that was where all the emphasis lied and I knew it was important. And finally, I managed to grab some courage and play lader like half a month later after my placements. I was quite confident my macro and understanding of the game got better -- but...
During each ladder matches, I encountered that dry feeling in my mouth, my hands shaking slightly, due to uneasiness and lack of confidence in myself. But, with gritted teeth and some stupid, pointless spamming to ease that, I went on with my games, telling myself that all my work would pay off. I played eight games that day. Guess what? I lost five of them. Three of those were to cheese - this is where I got angry at first and then sad, frustrated with myself. I spent so much time to grasp the very fundamentals, to work on them, to be beaten by cheesers. You see, in placement matches I was probably lucky I didn't face a single cheese. But the way I felt after that day - I was down a lot and haven't touched StarCraft2 for days. Despite of thinking about the game all days long, despite of loving the game, I simply had no will, no confidence in myself.
What now...?
This is where I realized that part of my ladder games is influenced by how I feel during them. Tension, uneasiness and lack of confidence in my abilities. I wanted a way to practice against random players without facing that first. It was a lame escape, my attempt to still grow as a player. This is where me and a dear friend of mine started to do 2v2's. I hoped it'd help me hone my macro and fundamentals more, without that feeling of uneasiness, stress and all that. And you know - I think it worked for some time. At least I thought it did. That illusion came down from the fact my friend is like 2.3k Diamond Protoss. As we began to climb from initial Gold placement to top Platinum 2v2, I began to realize that it's not helping me anymore. On the contrary. I knew I was the one who was dragging my friend down. And, me being me, that is unacceptable for me. I never wanted to be a bother, a nuisance to anyone. I wanted to be an asset for my friend, to make a good team so we could share some fun, while providing good challenge to our opponents. And on my current level... that's hardly possible. I knew I needed to face all of this.
"If you get frustrated; the learning stops, you know you can't focus when you are frustrated" -Geoff ' iNcontroL' Robinson
Yes. That is my big problem. During our very first session, Geoff was able to see that I simply worry too much, and it hinders down everything I do. I need to find a way to get over this. because of StarCraft2 I love so much, because of myself and my own life even. I hate, hate to admit this to people around me, but I simply don't believe in myself enough. When I fail, I take it to heart too much. But this, this needs to end. I need to be able to face myself, my worries and my lack of self-esteem. Because, if I overcome this, I can go far even in my life AND in StarCraft2.
Those, who'd see my Facebook would know how much I actually love StarCraft2. (if I actually had SC2 friends here, not only those who think I am weird, eh..) I don't want this enthusiasm, this love and passion fade away just because of my own personal flaws again. It happened to me many times in past with my other hobbies. I want to make it different this time.
It's my goal to overcome myself, to improve myself as a person and as a StarCraft2 player. Will I be able to, though? I've been struggling with the game lately. I need to find a way to have fun, to trust in myself and to go through with my goal. All the doubts and fears are lingering around; wish I could say I could face them right now, even with (lack of) my skills. Will I ever be able to?
Wish me luck.
Tsunami didn't believe in things like hotkeying buildings, and I think that's part of what makes me such a great player today.![[image loading]](http://imgur.com/Kpq0K.jpg)
