• Log InLog In
  • Register
Liquid`
Team Liquid Liquipedia
EDT 07:49
CEST 13:49
KST 20:49
  • Home
  • Forum
  • Calendar
  • Streams
  • Liquipedia
  • Features
  • Store
  • EPT
  • TL+
  • StarCraft 2
  • Brood War
  • Smash
  • Heroes
  • Counter-Strike
  • Overwatch
  • Liquibet
  • Fantasy StarCraft
  • TLPD
  • StarCraft 2
  • Brood War
  • Blogs
Forum Sidebar
Events/Features
News
Featured News
[ASL22] Ro24 Preview: Summer's End9Serral wins HomeStory Cup 2915Serral wins Maestros of the Game 244ByuL, and the Limitations of Standard Play3Team Liquid Map Contest #22: Results and Winners7
Community News
Weekly Cups (August 10-16): SHIN doubles2GSTL Returns in 2026!45Weekly Cups (Aug 3-9): Protoss get shut out7RSL goes to London! 2026 Offline Finals Nov 21-2212Weekly Cups (July 27-Aug 2): SHIN's big week0
StarCraft 2
General
Geoff 'iNcontroL' Robinson has passed away GSTL Returns in 2026! SC4ALL II: SC2 Player Announcement 6/8 - Maru Balance hotfix patch 5.0.16b (July 16) Serral wins Maestros of the Game 2
Tourneys
SC2 AI Tournament 2026 Fall 2026 GSTL Announcement Master Swan Open (Global Bronze-Master 2) PIG STY FESTIVAL 8.0! (13 - 23 August) WardiTV Mondays
Strategy
[G] Having the right mentality to improve
Custom Maps
Nexus Wars 2021 GUIDE [M] (2) Industrial Park
External Content
The PondCast: SC2 News & Results Mutation # 539 Thunder Dome Mutation # 538 Media Blackout Mutation # 537 Hostile Territory
Brood War
General
Looking 4 Yaroslav: Enemy, Korchagin, WCG, Ukraine Foreign Brood War [Personal Project Share] Terran Defense v0.60 BW General Discussion Are you ready for ASL 22? NEW HYPE VIDEO
Tourneys
Escore Tournament - Season 3 [Megathread] Daily Proleagues [ASL22] Ro24 Group B [ASL22] Ro24 Group A
Strategy
Odyssey Mineral Stack Saturation Fighting Spirit mining rates Any training maps people recommend? Simple Questions, Simple Answers
Other Games
General Games
Nintendo Switch Thread General RTS Discussion Thread Anyone here play Quakeworld back in the day? Stormgate/Frost Giant Megathread EVE Corporation
Dota 2
Official 'what is Dota anymore' discussion
League of Legends
[TL LoL EUW IHs] Teemo shall perish TSM pausing esports and CLG Dead
Heroes of the Storm
Heroes of the Storm 2.0
Hearthstone
Deck construction bug
TL Mafia
TL Mafia Power Rank TL Mafia Community Thread NeO.D_StephenKing vs This Guy From 1 Million Dance
Community
General
US Politics Mega-thread Artificial Intelligence Thread Russo-Ukrainian War Thread Dating: How's your luck? The Letting Off Steam Thread
Fan Clubs
The Creator Fan Club MarineLorD Fan Club The ShoWTimE Fan Club
Media & Entertainment
Movie Discussion! Anime Discussion Thread Series you have seen recently...
Sports
Football (Soccer) Thread MLB/Baseball 2023 TeamLiquid Health and Fitness Initiative For 2023 NBA General Discussion
World Cup 2022
Tech Support
Computer Build, Upgrade & Buying Resource Thread Simple Questions Simple Answers FPS when play League Of Legend on laptop
TL Community
The Automated Ban List Northern Ireland Global Starcraft
Blogs
Young Players Exit Esports E…
TrAiDoS
LOCKPICKING NOOB
LUCKY_NOOB
Cathedral Of CS And NY pizza a…
FuDDx
Please support my new stand…
Peanutsc
Customize Sidebar...

Website Feedback

Closed Threads



Active: 5829 users

First story I haven't written for school in years

Blogs > KurtistheTurtle
Post a Reply
KurtistheTurtle
Profile Blog Joined December 2008
United States1966 Posts
June 11 2009 23:27 GMT
#1
This is my entry into the sclegacy fanfiction contest. I'm opening it to critiquing. As of yet, the title hasn't come to me.

What I want to hear:
-Grammar Critique
-any discrepancies with the SC canon
-any questions about word choice
-what parts of the story you find confusing
-what you like and find interesting
-what you dont like and find uninteresting

What I don't want to hear:
-criticism without a point
-lol'ing (there will be NO HAPPINESS IN THIS BLOG)
-these exact words: "oh kurtistheturtle you are the best writer I have ever read"

ok for real my story is about this protoss dude killing something. I assume that everybody reading this knows protoss lore.

+ Show Spoiler +
If history had taught him anything, Aurioch knew he could know nothing about something until he was willing to destroy it. Adun had taught him this valuable lesson back on Auir. Through carefully obeying his orders, he had observed his enemy and made unclouded judgment on the rogue tribes. Close-minded as they were, the Conclave had been the catalyst for the advancement of his kind in ways they couldn’t even comprehend. My old brethren will no longer accept me, he suspected. They are too far behind.

Trained from a young age in the ways of the Khala, Aurioch was technically a high templar. Despite that, he had other abilities. Millenia ago he had been part of the force Adun was given to destroy the rogue tribes. He had observed the teachings Adun administered on drawing from different fountains of power, and from those teachings arrived at techniques even before Adun had taught them. He had always been this way, but he dared not show this aptitude back then on Auir.

Even now, running through the very heart of a Zerg hive, he relied on techniques modified from the basic precepts taught back then. Everything was in front of them, in plain sight. But only he had taken the next step. The Khala condemned everything outside of its narrow views. His brethren in the rogue tribes denied their ancestry. Only Tassadar had glimpsed the potential when the two merged, but he gave himself for his own personal Khala too quickly to realize the power he might wield.

The divining thought, the one concept that divided them, how Tassadar started down his path, was astonishingly simple. Everything is temporary. His old teachers tried beating this “fatalism” out of him. They only succeeded in making him hide it. But once he had flowed in the full vulgarity of the universe for the first time, that first horrible time, he knew he would never be able to close his mind. So he had thrown himself into the dimensional riptide of the universe, not caring where he exited. It was utterly terrifying, belittling, and hinted of dankness so horrible he couldn’t even comprehend it.

This was when Aurioch discovered something amazing. This is why we were created. We are capable of navigating this maelstrom. He was latently accustomed to balance on the floes and whims of the universe. It was almost like navigating one of the stormy seas of Auir, but so much more…encompassing. And violent. All of this in front of us for so many eons and I am the first to try. Perhaps this is why the old teachers left.

Through these travels he discovered new balances and perspectives, one of which he used right now. He ran past a group of mulling ultralisks, their occasional movements shaking the ground. Overlords dotted the sky to the horizon, yet nothing even registered him. He wasn’t merely bending light around himself, it was something much more perfect than that. He, technically, wasn’t there.

Aurioch came upon a giant, sinewy membrane. It pulsed and glistened with some sort of coating. He phased back, appearing right beside the giant nervous system. I pity you, cerebrate. You are only trying to find your own version of happiness. With a slight flick of his hand, the alarmed mass of consciousness had a split second to touch the mind of this assailant. How was the mind of this Protoss so attuned to the Zerg? Before erupting into a mass of blood, it felt a thing so foreign all other processes inside stopped. Beauty? Awe? Longing?

No, cerebrate. It’s called compassion.


“Reject your sense of injury and the injury itself disappears."
TommyG
Profile Blog Joined March 2009
United States102 Posts
June 12 2009 01:01 GMT
#2
oh kurtistheturtle you are the best writer I have ever read
Shivaz
Profile Blog Joined March 2009
Canada1783 Posts
June 12 2009 01:02 GMT
#3
lol
HeavOnEarth
Profile Blog Joined March 2008
United States7087 Posts
June 12 2009 01:31 GMT
#4

How was the mind of this Protoss so attuned to the Zerg? Before erupting into a mass of blood, it felt a thing so foreign all other processes inside stopped. Beauty? Awe? Longing?

that part i had to re-read a bit to realize it was the celebrate's thought, was a bit accustomed to the italics you've always used.
maybe highlight all the uses of celebrate red, then highlight this in red and italicize it?
your writing is cute :D

- You spell "Auir" strange, -> isn't it Aiur?
- 5th paragraph , 4th sentence , Did you mean to use the word blatantly?:<
- Oh that paragraph where you say 'He, technically, wasn’t there.' , you could totally write something cleverer than that, don't you think ?
"come korea next time... FXO house... 10 korean, 10 korean"
KurtistheTurtle
Profile Blog Joined December 2008
United States1966 Posts
June 12 2009 04:14 GMT
#5
That's a good idea. I wrote this in word so I didn't quite transfer all the stuff I wanted over, but thats a very good idea.

- Ah shiz. It is Aiur.
- don't get what you mean
- 600 word limit. I feel ya. This entire thing is hella long uncondensed.


“Reject your sense of injury and the injury itself disappears."
HeavOnEarth
Profile Blog Joined March 2008
United States7087 Posts
June 12 2009 16:59 GMT
#6
oh ignore my second dash i just didn't know latently meant ^^
"come korea next time... FXO house... 10 korean, 10 korean"
Please log in or register to reply.
Live Events Refresh
Escore
10:00
Season 3 Week 8
escodisco1503
LiquipediaDiscussion
[ Submit Event ]
Live Streams
Refresh
StarCraft 2
Lowko368
PiGStarcraft355
ProTech141
SHIN 14
StarCraft: Brood War
Calm 9718
Leta 3255
Hyuk 1955
Bisu 1027
Shuttle 945
Jaedong 747
Pusan 452
firebathero 439
EffOrt 255
Light 228
[ Show more ]
Snow 220
Mini 199
Rush 186
Stork 152
Soma 133
Soulkey 126
Killer 65
hero 59
ZerO 55
Mong 52
Hm[arnc] 52
Barracks 31
[sc1f]eonzerg 26
Aegong 23
Sexy 22
SilentControl 20
soO 18
Noble 13
scan(afreeca) 10
Dota 2
The International110999
Gorgc8380
singsing2777
KheZu104
resolut1ontv 27
Counter-Strike
olofmeister1828
fl0m1075
shoxiejesuss828
byalli295
Other Games
B2W.Neo656
crisheroes335
Hui .128
Sick127
ToD113
Liquid`LucifroN84
Mew2King62
Trikslyr13
ZerO(Twitch)11
Organizations
StarCraft 2
TaKeTV 32
IntoTheiNu 26
[ Show 12 non-featured ]
StarCraft 2
• AfreecaTV YouTube
• intothetv
• Kozan
• IndyKCrew
• Migwel
StarCraft: Brood War
• BSLYoutube
• STPLYoutube
• ZZZeroYoutube
Dota 2
• WagamamaTV179
• Noizen47
League of Legends
• Jankos1605
• Stunt395
Upcoming Events
PiG Sty Festival
11m
Serral vs Reynor
HeRoMaRinE vs herO
PiGStarcraft355
Big Brain Bouts
4h 11m
MaNa vs Kelazhur
Nicoract vs HeRoMaRinE
Serral vs Cure
CranKy Ducklings
22h 11m
PiG Sty Festival
1d
Zoun vs Solar
SHIN vs Maru
Patches Events
1d 4h
Sparkling Tuna Cup
1d 22h
PiG Sty Festival
2 days
OSC
2 days
Afreeca Starleague
2 days
hero vs ggaemo
Larva vs Mong
The Patches Monday
3 days
[ Show More ]
Afreeca Starleague
3 days
Soulkey vs PianO
JyJ vs sSak
GSL
3 days
PiGosaur Cup
4 days
Replay Cast
4 days
Afreeca Starleague
4 days
Mini vs Calm
Queen vs EffOrt
Replay Cast
5 days
The PondCast
5 days
IntoTheTV X SOOP
6 days
Liquipedia Results

Completed

Proleague 2026-08-19
CranK Gathers Season 4: BW vs SC2 Team League
Eternal Conflict S2 Finale

Ongoing

KCM Race Survival 2026 Season 3
K-JUNGMAN
ASL Season 22
Super Anchor Qualifying S3
CSL Season 22: Qualifier 1
Escore Tournament S3: W8
RSL Revival: Season 6
PiG Sty Festival 8.0
META DYMY #4
Esports World Cup 2026
Esports World Cup 2026: LCQ
BLAST Bounty Summer 2026
BLAST Bounty Summer Qual
Stake Ranked Episode 3
XSE Pro League 2026
IEM Cologne Major 2026

Upcoming

CSL Season 22: Qualifier 2
CSL 2026 AUTUMN (S22)
Acropolis #5
Acropolis #5 - TRS
Blizzard Classic Cup 2026
Acropolis #5 - GSA
Acropolis #5 - GSB
HSC XXX
SC4ALL II: StarCraft II
Kung Fu Cup 2026 Grand Finals
RSL Offline Finals
Big Dog Cup 2026 Div 1
IEM Beijing 2026
Stake Ranked Episode 5
PGL Masters Bucharest 2026
Thunderpick World Champ. '26
ESL Pro League Season 24
Stake Ranked Episode 4
1win Private Club #1
Logitech G Play Connect 2026
SL StarSeries Fall 2026
FISSURE Playground #3
BLAST Open Fall 2026
TLPD

1. ByuN
2. TY
3. Dark
4. Solar
5. Stats
6. Nerchio
7. sOs
8. soO
9. INnoVation
10. Elazer
1. Rain
2. Flash
3. EffOrt
4. Last
5. Bisu
6. Soulkey
7. Mini
8. Sharp
Sidebar Settings...

Advertising | Privacy Policy | Terms Of Use | Contact Us

Original banner artwork: Jim Warren
The contents of this webpage are copyright © 2026 TLnet. All Rights Reserved.