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Scenario: Guy & Girl have been together for a long while (year +).
GUY:
Guy decides to break her off softly, Genuinely wants to be friends because he still likes the girl a lot as a friend/person. Just doesn't see them as being life partners, not in love, and has some other dislikes for her as a GF( but not as a friend). So the guy wants to stay pretty close friends (like best friends). PS- guy lets girl hook up with other chicks and is not possesive (lets her go to parties, doesn't check up on her etc).
Girl:
Girl Loves the guy a lot and will do almost anything for him, and if she can't be exclusive wants nothing to do with him at all. Either bf/gf or blocked number basically.
Girl hooks up with other chicks but won't bring any home because of jealousy or something.
I'm sure I left out some details or it's in need of some clarity on how the girl stands. So ask me anything else that will help your decision if you need to.
POLL:
Poll: Who's more selfish?
(Vote): Girl
(Vote): Guy
 
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I just dont get it srry...
T_T
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girl is easily more selfish because of the lower IQ they posess
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On May 17 2009 09:36 MaGic~PhiL wrote:
I just dont get it srry...
T_T
basically, is guy selfish because he wants to 'keep' (key word here) her around. or is the girl more selfish because she doesn't care about the guy at all once they aren't together (IE only cares about herself).
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i'd say the girl is definitely more selfish. Why is the guy selfish for deciding to not be in a relationship? If he stayed with her just for her sake that would be much worse imo
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now that I voted, it's time to read!
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On May 17 2009 09:49 anderoo wrote:
i'd say the girl is definitely more selfish. Why is the guy selfish for deciding to not be in a relationship? If he stayed with her just for her sake that would be much worse imo
but the guy is getting a steady stream of sex, company, and anything he wants. Which is somewhat selfish right?
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I think that the way the OP is phrased introduces bias. Consider that the Guy character inherently doesn't want as close of a relationship with the Girl character as he currently maintains, yet also inherently wants to maintain a more-distant form of the same relationship. Conversely, consider that the Girl character inherently wants to be in a close relationship with the Guy, and inherently would want to break off the connection rather than maintain the more-distant form of the relationship. Seeing as the two characters want different things, on this basis alone, why would the Guy's desired outcome be weighted more heavily than the Girl's?
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What does being selfish have to do in this scenario? Sometimes when couples break up, one of them cannot be friends. If she truly did love him as much as she did, being friends would only make it significantly harder for her to get over him and move on. If anything, the guy should respect that and hopefully in a few months, when enough time goes by and wounds heal, the two can be friends again.
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guy doesnt love girl, shouldnt force himself too
i voted girl
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well you pretty much said the guy is cool and the girl is a pain in the ass. I guess it's just normal, the one being 'kicked' is going to get mad. It'd be the same if it was the other way around.
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I don't think it's selfishness if you don't want to be with someone. I mean, most of the times unrequited love is pretty awkward. If the girl doesn't want to be around the guy if they're not dating, it's her choice. It's not really a selfish decision to not to be with someone. It's also not selfish. Now, if the girl is using it as a tactic to force the guy to stay, then yes that is selfish. So I suppose it all comes down to intent.
Same for the guy, it's not selfish to want to keep someone around. I've had relationships that ended up as friends, and I can understand the feeling. It's only selfish if you know the person has decided that she/he doesn't want to be around you, yet you demand it. If you're satisfying your own needs while causing discomfort to the other person, that's a selfish thing to do. Even if the guy loves the girl, sometimes you just have to give them space and hope it works out.
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Yea I think the girl's position on the all or nothing is a gambit/tactic on keeping the relationship. Whether its a bluff or serious is another issue.
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Wow, this poll is goign to be so biased. If this isn't response bias I fail at statistics
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Neither of them are being selfish as long as they are totally honest with each other about what they want. People dont always have the same ideals or views, thats just life.
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Definitely girl... I don't really see how the guy is being selfish.
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On May 17 2009 10:11 JeeJee wrote:
so, she's bi?
most woman experiment at the very least.
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On May 17 2009 10:09 n.DieJokes wrote:
Wow, this poll is goign to be so biased. If this isn't response bias I fail at statistics
Yeah, an unbiased version is more like:
Guy wants to friends. Does not want to be dating, does not want to break up.
Girl wants to date. Does not want to be friends, is willing to break up.
They have positive feelings towards each other. Are now currently friends.
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9070 Posts
well lol, the blogs are really quite similar, ofc in both cases the guy must win
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Oh, I misinterpreted the OP then... I thought the guy wanted to break up, but still remain friends. And the girl wanted either relationship or nothing.
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I think they're both idiots and are in an unhealthy relationship. The guy is smart because he wants out of it (but stupid because he wants to keep her around to taunt her) and the girl smart because if she's not going to be with him, she doesn't need anything to do with him (but stupid because she's an immature brat hooking up with random girls and probably doesn't know what she wants in the first place).
Obviously you know the people in your story... whether the person is you or not I won't guess. But basically you're taking the situation to seriously. The girl isn't inlove (she just desperately wants to be in a relationship) and the guy isn't willing to let a person go (which suggests he wants to keep her as a back-up more than anything). If they stay friends, they will get together again.
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This description sounds really lopsided.
You also have to keep in mind that most girls are absolutely insane.
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So selfish is not accommodating what the other person wants.
Guy wants: friend-like interactions with girl
Girl wants: a serious relationship, or not to be in a relationship (presumably so she can look elsewhere)
Girl accommodates guy by maintaining friend-like interactions with guy.
Guy accommodates girl by ... allowing her to date other people?
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9070 Posts
this is getting like rocket science
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United States4991 Posts
I don't see why it has to be selfish in either case? Speaking as someone who behaves like the girl (cut off all contact, block from MSN/don't answer phone/etc) I don't see anything wrong with that. If you are in love with someone and they don't want to be in a relationship with you, it's frankly the best way of dealing with it rather than constantly being that friend who's in love but lurking and feeling a knife twisting in your chest every time you see/hear about them being with someone else.
Edit: Oh fuck, CharlieMurphy blog, no wonder.
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insane beat me too it. props.
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Tough question.
The guy could be seen as selfish b/c he's basically saying "I like you as a friend, so even though I don't want to date you anymore, I still want you around." He's essentially dictating how close their relationship should be, ignoring her feelings about this subject.
The girl is also being selfish, wanting the guy all to herself, etc. It's pretty obvious the way the OP is phrased.
Based on the way the OP is written, I agree with previous comments that the girl is probably gonna get more votes, but I'll have to go with it and vote for the girl.
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what the fuck?..elaborate more then i will vote.
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On May 17 2009 10:27 Chef wrote:
I think they're both idiots and are in an unhealthy relationship. The guy is smart because he wants out of it (but stupid because he wants to keep her around to taunt her) and the girl smart because if she's not going to be with him, she doesn't need anything to do with him (but stupid because she's an immature brat hooking up with random girls and probably doesn't know what she wants in the first place).
Obviously you know the people in your story... whether the person is you or not I won't guess. But basically you're taking the situation to seriously. The girl isn't inlove (she just desperately wants to be in a relationship) and the guy isn't willing to let a person go (which suggests he wants to keep her as a back-up more than anything). If they stay friends, they will get together again.
Was about what I was going say.
I wont vote.
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On May 17 2009 12:48 a-game wrote:
are you the guy?
Actually this would make alot of sense regarding the bias of the blog.
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The guy is more selfish man...
Basically when guys get into a relationship, we just think of her as "girlfriend" and "potential" wife (maybe)
When girls get into a relationship, its not just boyfriend, its highly likely guy whose gonna end up as husband
The guy just wants to end it as friends because he doesn't consider how much it will hurt for the girl to look at him as something she cannot (because she can't imagine him as someone unimportant to her)
I don't know. This poll is definately biased and for the people who voted girl as selfish, go experience a painful breakup and then come back to vote again
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Sorry Charlie, but I'll vote for Guy.
Why? Well, because I've been in that situation, and it is selfish. You want to break up with her but keep her as a friend (this way you'll have best of both worlds, and exactly what you want). How exactly is this fair for her? Now I'm still friends with some of the girls I was with, but if she feels she can't do it, then it's 100% her choice and you can't call her selfish at all. I personally could not stand to be friends with some of the girls I've been with and cared deeply for. How would she feel when the guy will make a new girlfriend? Come on!
Now the fact that the guy has been "allowing" her to do whatever she wants is part of the relationship. So it doesn't have much to do with the after-relationship status. Letting her hook up with girls (even though, you know, 2 girls, woohoo!!!) shows that that guy didn't care all that much, thus the break-up.
So yeah, I don't see how you could call the girl "selfish" for not wanting to suffer next to a guy she loves but can't have. Call me weird.
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On May 17 2009 13:19 CubEdIn wrote:
Sorry Charlie, but I'll vote for Guy.
Why? Well, because I've been in that situation, and it is selfish. You want to break up with her but keep her as a friend (this way you'll have best of both worlds, and exactly what you want). How exactly is this fair for her? Now I'm still friends with some of the girls I was with, but if she feels she can't do it, then it's 100% her choice and you can't call her selfish at all. I personally could not stand to be friends with some of the girls I've been with and cared deeply for. How would she feel when the guy will make a new girlfriend? Come on!
Now the fact that the guy has been "allowing" her to do whatever she wants is part of the relationship. So it doesn't have much to do with the after-relationship status. Letting her hook up with girls (even though, you know, 2 girls, woohoo!!!) shows that that guy didn't care all that much, thus the break-up.
So yeah, I don't see how you could call the girl "selfish" for not wanting to suffer next to a guy she loves but can't have. Call me weird.
I just realized this was charliemurphy haha. Man, how selfish are you? GG yo
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On May 17 2009 13:19 CubEdIn wrote:
Sorry Charlie, but I'll vote for Guy.
Why? Well, because I've been in that situation, and it is selfish. You want to break up with her but keep her as a friend (this way you'll have best of both worlds, and exactly what you want). How exactly is this fair for her? Now I'm still friends with some of the girls I was with, but if she feels she can't do it, then it's 100% her choice and you can't call her selfish at all. I personally could not stand to be friends with some of the girls I've been with and cared deeply for. How would she feel when the guy will make a new girlfriend? Come on!
Now the fact that the guy has been "allowing" her to do whatever she wants is part of the relationship. So it doesn't have much to do with the after-relationship status. Letting her hook up with girls (even though, you know, 2 girls, woohoo!!!) shows that that guy didn't care all that much, thus the break-up.
So yeah, I don't see how you could call the girl "selfish" for not wanting to suffer next to a guy she loves but can't have. Call me weird.
Heh, I agree with this. Guy is being more selfish.
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On May 17 2009 10:16 Mastermind wrote:most woman experiment at the very least.
No, are you learning your facts from porn movies and such? Maybe most of the sluttier ones do, but really far from a majority among women as a whole.
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Are you sure you should be asking this on a forum where 99.9 percent of the population is male?
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Btw, what the OP is really asking is:
Is a girl who experiments with other girls yet refuses to do a threesome selfish?
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The girl obviously has a lot more to lose... it's not really a situation where a question like this is relevant by itself.
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i hate these kinds of girls who only believe in extremes : |
only helps his point to leave her :\
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That scenario has nothing to do with being selfish or not.
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IT CAN ONLY BE LOVE OR HATE BETWEEN A MAN AND A WOMAN!!
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i think it isnt a fair poll on an adolescent male dominated site
from 50+ surveys i got off this website, i think i had about 2 that werent teenage-young adult males
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Neither of these people are selfish.
From what the OP has said, neither of the people involved want to actively hurt each other or put their own interests first. The problem itself is given in the post.
Guy likes.
Girl loves.
He can appreciate the qualities that make her a good friend and doesn't wish to lose her as such. That's reasonable. What isn't reasonable is to play the self sacrifice card: PS- guy lets girl hook up with other chicks and is not possesive (lets her go to parties, doesn't check up on her etc).
If all he wants is friendship, it is irrelevent who she hooks up with and he shouldn't be checking up on her, that would signify that he stills wishes to exert a level of passive control over her actions.
If you want to be friends with someone, you can't do that and it needs to be understood that if you tell someone who loves you and wants to be with you on a monogamous basis that you don't mind if they bang other people, it is not not going to be taken as a positive thing.
The Girl, as OP describes her, is being pretty reasonable too, although it may not seem so.
From her perspective, she loves the Guy and wants him to love her in a reciprocal fashion. As has already been said in previous posts... It's going to be extremely painful for her to maintain contact with someone she loves when faced with the knowledge that he does not feel the same way about her. It's natural to take that kind of thing as rejection, however softly it's done. She will take what's been said as "you're good enough to be my friend but you're not good enough to love".
Basically, that's exactly what the Guy feels and he's being honest about it. Point to him for that.
However, I don't think anyone would simply say "OK!" when they're asked to step down from loving/being loved to take up a position of friendship instead.
The Girl's ultimatum of "all or nothing" is extreme but it's not a selfish request, it's a desperate one. She cannot make him love her and she knows it, it would hurt her to be the kind of friend he wants her to be and instead of hanging on the hope that a burntout flame may be relit, she would rather choose complete severance of all contact. They both get hurt because the Girl cannot gain back his love and the Guy will lose her as a friend.
The situation would require the Guy to tactfully let the Girl know that he values her and would appreciate her friendship but there cannot be love again. And that if she would prefer no contact between them, that is how it will be.
Whilst the Girl's feelings are still strong, it's unlikely that she'll be thinking entirely rationally. But if the Girl is given enough space and time to let her love for him diminish, it may happen that in the future they can both be friends.
Obviously, all the above is suppositional and assumptive given that the situation was only briefly explained and that there's no background knowledge of either the Guy or the Girl involved but I think it's a fair rationale.
I think the OP should think a little about the poll itself. To ask if either one of the people involved is "selfish" puts them both in a negative light and asks for blame to be assigned to one or the other. Neither the Guy nor the Girl have done anything wrong, it's just a sad and difficult situation for them both to be in.
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3861 Posts
On May 17 2009 09:38 Racenilatr wrote:
girl is easily more selfish because of the lower IQ they posess
...............
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On May 18 2009 11:42 lilsusie wrote:Show nested quote +On May 17 2009 09:38 Racenilatr wrote:
girl is easily more selfish because of the lower IQ they posess ...............
Racenilatr will now feel the Zealot`s (read:  GARIMTO`s) wrath for aggravating lilsusie.
Anyway, I am going to go on a whim and say that both of them are selfish. The guy wants to be friends with her, even though that would make the girl suffer emotionally. Likewise, the girl wants to be his lover, even though he does not love her.
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On May 17 2009 10:17 igotmyown wrote:Show nested quote +On May 17 2009 10:09 n.DieJokes wrote:
Wow, this poll is goign to be so biased. If this isn't response bias I fail at statistics Yeah, an unbiased version is more like: Guy wants to friends. Does not want to be dating, does not want to break up. Girl wants to date. Does not want to be friends, is willing to break up. They have positive feelings towards each other. Are now currently friends.
um, no.
On May 17 2009 10:24 Archaic wrote:
Oh, I misinterpreted the OP then... I thought the guy wanted to break up, but still remain friends. And the girl wanted either relationship or nothing.
That is what my OP says, wtf?
Guy wants to break up, still wants to be friends though.
Girl doesn't wanna break up, and if they did, doesn't wanna ever see the guy again.
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I'd say it's equal because the guy is selfish since the guy still wants to be with her even if they're not exclusive, but the girl only wants him if he wants her back just as much.
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what i personally think is the girl is being more selfish but make sure whoever said male is, is not being biased making it seem like the girl is more selfish.
namean?
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How is one more selfish than the other? Each one wants what they want (boyfriend or plain friend, respectively) and that's what they care about.
On May 26 2009 06:53 barth wrote:I think we need more info to really decide. + Show Spoiler +
LOL
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It's funny that the roles are now somewhat reversed and yea this OP was about me originally.
Speaking on behalf of both sides I can understand now that it's very angering to have the other just want to push you aside and think they can still keep you around after the things you've been through together. It would just be a constant reminder of what you used to have and how it's not possible anymore when it was so natural before.
Definitely is more selfish to be the guy in this situation and there is no selfishness in the 'all or nothing' of the girl, It's just a matter of removing pain.
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Yep. Good that you've experienced the other side of it. Hope it wasn't too painful to learn that.
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Well we are still on that 'its complicated' edge right now and we are going to go on a date tomorrow and see what happens.
btw, there is related shit to the main op in this other post
http://www.teamliquid.net/blogs/viewblog.php?id=68477
Considering my other posts I'm really starting to wonder if she is seeing/trying to see someone else.
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isn't it usually better not to know anyway? you might find that she got more interesting after dating other people and want her back =/
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Guy wants to break up, still wants to be friends though.
Girl doesn't wanna break up, and if they did, doesn't wanna ever see the guy again.
Neither is selfish. Both has the right to demand what they want from the relationship as long as they are being fair.
Selfish would be imposing a double standard ( ex: girl hangs out with friends but does not allow the guy to hangs out with friends)
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girl is clearly the selfish one here since she is concerned with her emotional distress above all else...but only in the same way as a puppy with a broken leg or wtvr. i think the best thing the guy can do is make it very clear and precise what he doesnt like about her enough to continue to date her, and then 100% leave it up to her to do what she wants or is able to do.
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Neither are selfish and that's it. I both understand the guy and the girl because I also have been through the same situation and yeah it's pretty much stupid. I can understand the girl, the guy as well, the best thing that would happen is to break up and that's it. Time will heal the wounds between both.
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EPT
