EPTNow with the internet available to offer more or less an opportunity for anonymity, I am more comfortable in expressing myself. Of course there are limits, where hackers or those with technical privileges may ultimately trace one's location from their data records.
I am not an outwardly expressive person. I have always thought of myself as super rational and little affected by emotion. I think most people would agree with this assessment, but I am starting to doubt some aspects of this, which I will elaborate in a bit. If something sudden and unexpected happens, my reaction is slow and minimal, if any. I simply sit here and do nothing, observing the reactions of others who seem more affected. To an observer I am unresponsive and uncaring. In many cases this is true; I simply do not care whether your refrigerator just violently ejected its contents in a thunderous crash onto the floor. I sat there one metre away, kept my eyes on the book I was reading, I noted that my friend was promptly wiping up the mess he had accidentally created.
Any outward sign of surprise or shock would be completely unnatural for me. Except I do recognize the common response and am aware from my departure from normality. I am extremely self conscious of my own actions and their deviations from "standard". The surprise reaction is only one example out of the gamut of human emotions that I would deem to be significantly different from my own gut instinct.
One particular peculiarity I have recognized in myself is I often act in ways which I feel would make for good cinematography. It is as if I view myself as the lead character in a movie and I try to portray behaviour that I might expect to watch on a show, complete with a background soundtrack. How strange that I would choose to emulate the behaviours that I see on television to portray emotions I would otherwise bury in my mind. I do this even when I know no one is around to witness my ssstylish scenes of sadness. Perhaps, deep down, I am much more sensitive and emotional than I had given myself credit for? Why else would I so eagerly absorb the drama and artistic cinematography.
I should also admit I am often quite impacted by emotional moments in dramas and shows. Passing myself off with a stoic manly attitude, I disguise my actual hearfelt reactions. One excellent example I can think of is in Code Geass when Euphemia kills the Japanese. That scene had a remarkable impact on me; Lelouch was so close to ending his campaign, to achieve some rest, to consolidate his desires. Except just one careless misstep and everything was down the toilet. So close. But ultimately ending up in failure. And not because of a personal mistake, but an uncontrollable twist of fate. My experience with fate has also been unpleasant, and so that moment had a completely unexpected and heavy impression on my emotions. This was beautiful, appreciable art.
I'll end off with some other interesting quirks in myself. Contrary to what seems to be popular to most everyone else on the planet, I am not a fan of alcohol. I have never been drunk in my life. In my earlier trials of exposure I simply disliked the flavour and taste of alcoholic beverages. It was bitter and resembled that disgusting liquid of tonic water. Only now I can drink with merely neutral tolerance for the taste. How is it that it holds such universal appeal to everyone else? I credit much of it to peer pressure and bandwagon. I view myself as being nearly immune to peer pressure. What do I care these saps who can never measure up to me think of me? I always remain true to myself. It is a sign of strength, independence, and those who succumb to peer pressure are weak and insecure. I use this trend in a much broader context than just alcohol.
Except I wish I could become drunk. I live life much too seriously, insane from excessive soberness. My humour is super dry, akin to Captain Star (see my second blog). I just want to wait for the right time and opportunity to let loose.
Consider a person afflicted with mental illness serious enough to be clinically significant. Yet they are fully aware of their condition and take conscious effort to control their actions and conceal their madness. Would this even recognized as a valid disease? Sometimes I wish I could be certified insane so I would not be responsible for my behaviour. Then it is simply out of my control and let other things take over. Otherwise it is too maddening to be always sober, aware, analyzing, and logical. The world seldom complies with reason.
