See, whenever I do force myself to join a game and play, I have so much fun, but between games I have such a strong feeling of not wanting to play another game. It's like a conditioned chemical struggle inside my brain. It might be nervousness, but then again I really don't mind losing when I've had a fun game. It might be that I'm afraid to come off as a noob, because Iccup seems so intimidating, but then again do I really care what other people I don't even know think about my skills at starcraft?
What is this ailment? Why can't I just get the urge to play, get on iccup, and play? Why this rotten feeling in my stomach every time I am about to join a game? This is really screwing up what could be such an enjoyable time for me.
I could liken the feeling I get with that of going out clubbing. I'm not a party-guy, I never have been, I always feel so awkward and uncomfortable before I get a couple drinks in me, even when I am only partying with my friends. I feel boring and uninteresting whenever I go out for the specific purpose of having "a good time". When I'm just meeting strangers for some reason I am the most sociable person you could imagine, talking and joking and being just such a charming little alpha male, but it's when I am about to go out with the intent of having a good time and partying, etc, that I feel out of place. Maybe I do give a shit if people think I'm interesting (or skilled...) even though I don't realize it?
Anyway, this has now carried over into my starcraft playing. I get the exact same, uncomfortable feeling. Why am I so insecure about playing an anonymous game online when I am so relaxed and confident otherwise? And like I said, once the game starts, the feeling goes away almost immediately.
Maybe it's stress? Maybe I'm stressed out, feeling I have to perform well (and starcraft is a very demanding game). But then, why? Nobody cares if I win or not, including me, I LAUGH when I lose a game that I came very close to winning.
Why can't I just PLAY!?