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I'm really depressed now. I got my equity out of the firm but none of my former workmates will talk to me now. They all figured out my boss's little trick, I guess, or they're jealous about not getting out first.
We're going out of business the end of this week.
I packed my stuff today, going to head on a trip back to see my parents. Maybe they'll have some words of sympathy for me.
I have enough savings to live for on my own for about three to five years, but at this moment I really want to see my mom and dad, and just talk to them.
The funny thing is, I was never that close to them as a kid. They were always such demanding Chinese parents. I remember once my dad, standing there in nothing but underwear and a bathrobe, holding up my report card (which had two B's on it out of six classes) and screaming about how I was just an academic failure and I should just get out of the house.
The thing is, they never were there for the process, only the result. When I studied hard, when I was up all night trying finish some retarded history project, they wouldn't care, they'd just shut the bedroom door and sleep and watch TV or whatever.
Sure we'd have our ups too. The one time I took 5A state in LD debate, they got really happy and took me out to dinner the day after, where they told me that I could finally get a car because they said I was "responsible". Yea fuck that, I won because my coach was a nutty philosophy freak and I could repeat what he said with fresh breath and without obscenities.
But as I grow older, I realized that they had a point. Really, all this world cares about is results, what we've accomplished. And it hurts so much to have your results drive a wedge between you and your peers, or even more so when you're at the top and you're lonely because you have no peers.
I realized for the first time in a year that my job and new city have cost me my college friends. I just phoned one of them a day ago and we had the most dead conversation ever. No, they've all gone through the shit together in NYC, no chance for this weak little Chicagoan to actually join in on their bitch sessions.
And frankly, I hate them now too. I was on this guy's facebook page the other day, and his profile pic was of him, with his arms around two strippers, wearing sunglasses indoors in a club, w/e. And I know that he's been laid off already so I know his baller lifestyle is just a sham, that he's probably about to default on his credit cards soon. So wtf? Why pose? What a bunch of losers, I hate them now.
And I have no friends here. Just sit in the apartment and maybe play Starcraft when I get home, or eat with the co-workers (who now ignore me) or try to get to know that pretty asian waitress at the Chinatown hot pot place. (Hint: she has a boyfriend. Fuck.)
I'm thinking of getting out of this city, getting away from all the financial centers, away from all the bright lights.
I'm no longer that dick trader that I used to be. I'm broken right now.
And to think I was writing interview guides two months ago.
-sleep-
 
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Darkness before the dawn.
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United States42107 Posts
Suicide probably isn't plusev long term.
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Hey man, it sounds like we are in different situations and social standing, but I know how you feel. Recently the thought of death and sucide have been prevalent on my mind. It's tough to keep going when you feel like there's no point, but, I stay strong knowing that I'm a nice guy, that people like me, and in hope that eventually things will get better.
I think your idea about moving away from the big city may be a good idea, but it's hard to tell. I don't know your age, or what you want to do, but maybe (since you have some financial savings) you should work part time while going back to school or something and find another profession you enjoy?
I don't know. I am younger, so it's hard to give solid advice, but know that there's people around you who feel the same way and that they are trying hard to get by in seemingly hopeless times too. Try and be a positive influence in other people's lives. Find a social center of some kind. Even a church or something can be good to meet others... :/. I don't know man.
Feel better either way.
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Start over in a new city, get a new job, new co-workers, new friends, basically, get a new life.
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It's always cold being on top.
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motbob
United States12546 Posts
On December 08 2008 20:51 Kwark wrote:
Suicide probably isn't plusev long term.
This is solid advice.
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the pursuit of endless wealth leads to the pursuit of endless happiness, which is merely an illusion. seeking to please the world will only end up in you displeasing yourself. Find your ethics again, and find the peace within yourself. cities probably aren't the best places to do so.
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The more I read these forums the more I start to hate Asian parents.
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On December 08 2008 20:51 Kwark wrote:
Suicide probably isn't plusev long term.
Cheeky bastard... 
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United States42107 Posts
On December 08 2008 21:18 t_co wrote:Show nested quote +On December 08 2008 20:51 Kwark wrote:
Suicide probably isn't plusev long term. Cheeky bastard...
Well I didn't want to do a 4chanesque "lol, do it rofl" reply but equally I didn't want to take it seriously. Pointing out the health risks of suicide seemed a good compromise.
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I didn't' read, but does any else know what happened to the other suicide thread we had a really, really, really long time ago? I think the guy stopped posting shortly after...
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I know what you mean. There is rumors of layoffs at my job which I thought I would have forever. Things are getting bad. More and more people are getting laid off and that just makes everything go in a downward spiral as people buy less, and use less services and invest less. I don't think suicide is a good choice.
I really think that things will change. I do believe that it won't be in the next 6 months or maybe even in a year but they will. We just have to have patience. I do feel and worry for those people who didn't save money or just bought houses. A lot of people at my work just bought $300,000+ houses. Yes, they have been here for 10+ years but other places have shut down. If they were to lose their job then they would go bankrupt and lose their houses and the spiral continues downward.
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On December 08 2008 21:39 BuGzlToOnl wrote:
I didn't' read, but does any else know what happened to the other suicide thread we had a really, really, really long time ago? I think the guy stopped posting shortly after...
Sorry for the double post but where is this suicide thread? Is it in the blog section and would you know the thread title so I could find it?
edit: Nevermind, I found it. http://www.teamliquid.net/forum/viewmessage.php?topic_id=51225
So does anyone know what happened to Ethenielle? Did he really stop posting. I am sure an Admin can find out his last post/last visit. I would really like to know.
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On December 08 2008 21:49 Yaqoob wrote:Show nested quote +On December 08 2008 21:39 BuGzlToOnl wrote:
I didn't' read, but does any else know what happened to the other suicide thread we had a really, really, really long time ago? I think the guy stopped posting shortly after... Sorry for the double post but where is this suicide thread? Is it in the blog section and would you know the thread title so I could find it? edit: Nevermind, I found it. http://www.teamliquid.net/forum/viewmessage.php?topic_id=51225So does anyone know what happened to Ethenielle? Did he really stop posting. I am sure an Admin can find out his last post/last visit. I would really like to know.
If you look at his profile he posted once last week, so he should be still alive and kicking.
His last post that I could find was 11/30/08 here: http://www.teamliquid.net/forum/viewmessage.php?topic_id=83102. Yeah he's still around. Turns out his thread gave him enough support to keep going.
To the OP, it seems hard sometimes, but keep it kicking. I'm shitting up my life too, not studying hard enough and getting raped by Asian parents, but hey it's okay, there's always someone who's worse off than you. Just appreciate what you have, keep playing Starcraft 
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Spenguin
Australia3316 Posts
If you can live for the next three to five years because you worked so hard and got all that money then why are you considering this?
If that sounded harsh or anything of the sort then it wasn't intended to be, just keep moving forward because you have the means to.
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just jump, life wont get better
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On December 08 2008 22:19 Geo.Rion wrote:
just jump, life wont get better
That is some really stupid advice.
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3 Lions
United States3705 Posts
On December 08 2008 22:19 Geo.Rion wrote:
just jump, life wont get better
.....
there's always something worth living for in life. find yours.
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People who kill themselves are cowards.
(In fact they're such pathetic people they should just kill themselves)
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On December 08 2008 22:32 Nytefish wrote:
People who kill themselves are cowards.
(In fact they're such pathetic people they should just kill themselves)
People who make this assumption are impossibly simple-minded and arrogant. There's plenty of shit that can wear a strong man down and kill him before he commits suicide.
If you haven't been there, you have no right to say anything. Everyone has his bad days, but to want to kill yourself means there must be something seriously wrong. If your life is fucked up as it is, people hate you almost as much as you hate yourself, then it's pretty bad. The thing is, it'll always get better with time, so just fuck that shit and keep living.
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Dont give up man!
I have those days too I feel like why would I live my life is not worth anything etc etc its just school, work and die.
Your problem is much bigger than mine of course, but I cannot say more. Dont give up!
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On December 08 2008 22:46 Xstatic wrote:Show nested quote +On December 08 2008 22:32 Nytefish wrote:
People who kill themselves are cowards.
(In fact they're such pathetic people they should just kill themselves) People who make this assumption are impossibly simple-minded and arrogant. There's plenty of shit that can wear a strong man down and kill him before he commits suicide.
Well you have to exaggerate things to get your message across.
It's like the anti-drug/drink driving campaigns.
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Take up a hobby, get a new job, sure its hard nowadays with the economy all weird, but everyone is going through that! Get some friends that can support you.
There is so much to life. Yeah generic advice, but really there is! Maybe go out for walks, look at things. Get some sort of balance in your life, maybe find something to practice in to have some spiritual balance if you choose. I think everyone needs something to believe in to help them get going.
But don't worry man, you'll feel better when you start thinking positive inside. It'll take a little time but sure enough.
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On December 08 2008 23:03 Nytefish wrote:Show nested quote +On December 08 2008 22:46 Xstatic wrote:On December 08 2008 22:32 Nytefish wrote:
People who kill themselves are cowards.
(In fact they're such pathetic people they should just kill themselves) People who make this assumption are impossibly simple-minded and arrogant. There's plenty of shit that can wear a strong man down and kill him before he commits suicide. Well you have to exaggerate things to get your message across. It's like the anti-drug/drink driving campaigns.
True. Sometimes you have to be blunt and fucking in their faces to get them to stand up for themselves.
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This is obvious, but the only way to guarantee things will never get better is by killing yourself.
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On December 08 2008 20:58 Yizuo wrote:
Start over in a new city, get a new job, new co-workers, new friends, basically, get a new life.
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Anybody that's trying to convince this guy to commit suicide should rotten in Hell. WTF do you think you are doing? Anyways, OP, just try to relax, go to your parents house, talk to them, call your real friends and maybe go for a long vacation.
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Don't worry about the parents. They are just the same typical Asian parents around the world. (mine too) It'll make you feel better opening up with them even though they dont know you well anymore since you're 12 or so.
just go.
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Dude, you only have one life. Find some other place where you can be happy.
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In life, no events are truly good or bad. Only, we humans decide that after it happens.
You need to re-think your life, and decide what you want to spend your time doing. Grow from this. It might take a long time, but the end results are always worth it.
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On December 08 2008 22:21 Yaqoob wrote:That is some really stupid advice.
ok, than don't jump, forgot that, and live
Life wont get better though
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Life may seem to suck all the time. But there are those few moments in life where everything is simply great. And that's worth living for.
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There is no objective reality, only a subjective mind. Your mind dictates your experiences, change the way you think and you'll change your life.
You think the world is all about results, posers, people you hate etc. but really, the world just exists. It doesn't ask anything from you. All your negative feelings are due to your mind spinning its own story about how worthless you are. But you're not, you're just a human. A human like the 6 billion other humans out there. Actually, a human in better condition than the majority of humans who are starving and dying out there.
In the end, all humans want the same thing: to be happy. It comes from within and not from external objects and situations. We all have the tools (the mind) to be happy right now but we've just been conditioned to crave results, objects, women, social status, whatever.
Just stop worrying about the rat race because at the end, the winner is still a rat
So yea, don't kill yourself. I've thought about it too but after making a pro-con list, life always seems to trump death.
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On December 08 2008 22:32 Nytefish wrote:
People who kill themselves are cowards.
(In fact they're such pathetic people they should just kill themselves)
If they've already killed themselves, how should they just kill themselves again?
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On December 09 2008 00:58 Purind wrote:Show nested quote +On December 08 2008 22:32 Nytefish wrote:
People who kill themselves are cowards.
(In fact they're such pathetic people they should just kill themselves) If they've already killed themselves, how should they just kill themselves again?
Well actually the contradiction I was thinking of is someone who wants to kill themselves should kill themselves because they're worthless enough to want to kill themselves. Well actually that's not much of a contradiction, it's just a humorous concept.
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watch the big lebowski
that movie seriously helps me enjoy all the little things in life
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scheudenfreude is a good way to make life worth living
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You are a rational and good person, don't throw that away.
Indeed you should get out of the city. Leave the U.S, try something new.
Try out for a volounteer work in south/central America, it would help you, you would help people.
a new perspective.
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I sent Ethenielle a "".
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Killing yourself only because you lost a career that drove away your friends is a very bad idea.
You work in finance, and you have probably been living with your job, but now that its gone (and it will be hard to get simmilar one in 2009), why not reassess your values and life goals.
Not having to wake up in the morning, switching off that damn mobile phone and swap to regional news from WSJ or Financial Times should be like a vacation for you, so cherish it and enjoy it while you still can.
Economic business cycles come and go, and although this bust is a fucking deep one, there will be time when ecomomic growth, and need for traders will come again. Until then, get out there, get some asian pussy, spend quality time with your family (as your relationship with parents should be past the hardcore performance pushing) and don't get out of your sweat pants.
And if this will bore you, do it like millions of college students do. Take a gap year, go abroad, go travel across europe for example (Many great different, yet US-friendly cultures very close to each other) go help some orphans in Africa.
Losing a job is not a loss. It is an opportunity to do other things, and when you come back to working life you will have more energy, and even your CV will look better.
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On December 08 2008 21:05 Energies wrote:
The more I read these forums the more I start to hate Asian parents.
It doesn´t have anything to do where you come from. It´s rather a story of ignorant parents or ignorant kids that fail to work together.
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intrigue
Washington, D.C9933 Posts
i know what it's like to be profoundly alone, and discovering (incredulously) that however cheesy it sounds, family is the only thing that will never leave you. but it will get better, it always gets better. you'll realize that these things really aren't a big deal, +1 little humble star in your life. you'll meet one good friend, + 2. you'll meet another, you'll go on a date, blink blink and eventually they come easier and cheaper - you get a dog, you have a good meal, the weather suits you perfectly today - and you find yourself washed in light again.
if these feeling of worth/hopelessness only get worse, you may want to consider seeing a psychiatrist. not necessarily because there's something wrong with you, but because it helps so much to talk to anybody, especially someone who really can help with more than words if it is necessary.
i wish you the best
On December 08 2008 22:32 Nytefish wrote:
People who kill themselves are cowards.
(In fact they're such pathetic people they should just kill themselves)
fuck you, seriously
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It's so hard to make subtle jokes with you guys around.
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intrigue
Washington, D.C9933 Posts
wow, what a clever and FuNnY joke! we just all totally missed it! but i get it now, you are mocking people who are suicidal in a thread about suicide! LOL ROFL what a sophisticated sense of humor
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Well I'm sorry my standards are so low, but there's no need for that.
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intrigue
Washington, D.C9933 Posts
people who make shitty posts are idiots.
(in fact that are such stupid people that they should make shitty posts)
HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAA OMG did anyone get my subtle joke, i learned how to make one from nytefish
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Oh how very clever of you. *clap*
(I'm going to stop trolling you now)
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On December 09 2008 02:54 Nytefish wrote:
Oh how very clever of you. *clap*
(I'm going to stop trolling you now) oh you troll! your sense of humor is so advanced, we look like fools in comparison!!
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On December 08 2008 20:36 t_co wrote:
I'm thinking of getting out of this city, getting away from all the financial centers, away from all the bright lights.
I'm no longer that dick trader that I used to be. I'm broken right now.
-sleep-
First off, you solved your own damn problem. You stated that being in that fuck-up of a life you're living is fucking you up, then you give yourself a solution, so just go through with it (not the suicide, the moving away thing). Idk take a journey to some place that's fucking amazing, or find something that just brings you to as close a state to whatever form nirvana takes for you as possible. Personally, the only things keeping me alive right now (and I'm really not exaggerating here) are anime (FUCK ME FOR THIS BEING TRUE) and the thought of being able to go on study abroad to Japan if I make it to UC: Irvine (fuck you douchebags who consider this school a "safety" or low-end). In any case, you have to just find that something, that place where you can take a deep breath and say the rest of the world smells like shit while, for that one moment, you're not breathing the shit air in. Then it's worth it... almost. You still have to get the fuck off your emo ass and find that place.
Second, "dick trader"... I giggled.
Third, I wonder if anyone will actually read this. lol it looks so ranty (WHY ISN'T THIS A WORD FFS?!?!)
Fourth, where did you go to college. I can't picture friends you made in college being total cunts just because you're in a different state unless you started (and somehow only finished in) junior college. damn places aren't about socializing, but all I see on my friends' Facebooks (of those going to legitimate universities private or otherwise) are messages or photos or blogs about the good times, parties where people get so close to shitfacing but don't, the studying, missing everyone, and even a few about self-realization, how they (this incredibly hot girl who friend-requested me God knows why) discovered they were being shit to all their friends and wants/wanted to change. [Fuck, off topic...] But in any case, whether or not you went to a junior college, or a university, or UC Merced (no one I know can qualify that school as being good or bad yet lol), if your friends are being douchebags on that level, fuck 'em. That's really all there is to it. I mean, you "hate" them already (in quotes because I'm sure this isn't so much hate as it is superb loathing for how stupid those shitcocks are), go make new ones. Oh my, this just ties back in to the first part.
I'm speaking from totally different suicidal perspectives as you are, and I'm not going to start spouting some philosophical bullshit about how "life always gets better" (fuck the naive bastards who think that way... no offense). At the very least, before offing yourself like a fuckhead, do something epic. I saw someone saying to contribute your efforts in a lesser nation... If you STILL can't find something that makes you feel like life's worth it, then fine, jump, or paint the walls with your balls ('cause brains doesn't rhyme), hang yourself, do whatever. At the very least you'll have made an effort to find that "something worth living for".
/rant... excess profanity is just excess love... I'm not rereading this, but I'm sure it's stupid.
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On December 09 2008 12:01 xxsaznpride wrote:Show nested quote +On December 08 2008 20:36 t_co wrote:
I'm thinking of getting out of this city, getting away from all the financial centers, away from all the bright lights.
I'm no longer that dick trader that I used to be. I'm broken right now.
-sleep- First off, you solved your own damn problem. You stated that being in that fuck-up of a life you're living is fucking you up, then you give yourself a solution, so just go through with it (not the suicide, the moving away thing). Idk take a journey to some place that's fucking amazing, or find something that just brings you to as close a state to whatever form nirvana takes for you as possible. Personally, the only things keeping me alive right now (and I'm really not exaggerating here) are anime (FUCK ME FOR THIS BEING TRUE) and the thought of being able to go on study abroad to Japan if I make it to UC: Irvine (fuck you douchebags who consider this school a "safety" or low-end). In any case, you have to just find that something, that place where you can take a deep breath and say the rest of the world smells like shit while, for that one moment, you're not breathing the shit air in. Then it's worth it... almost. You still have to get the fuck off your emo ass and find that place.
Thanks for the motivation. I'm thinking of moving to the West Coast, maybe going to work for PIMCO in Newport Beach.
Second, "dick trader"... I giggled.
Third, I wonder if anyone will actually read this. lol it looks so ranty (WHY ISN'T THIS A WORD FFS?!?!)
...
Fourth, where did you go to college. I can't picture friends you made in college being total cunts just because you're in a different state unless you started (and somehow only finished in) junior college. damn places aren't about socializing, but all I see on my friends' Facebooks (of those going to legitimate universities private or otherwise) are messages or photos or blogs about the good times, parties where people get so close to shitfacing but don't, the studying, missing everyone, and even a few about self-realization, how they (this incredibly hot girl who friend-requested me God knows why) discovered they were being shit to all their friends and wants/wanted to change. [Fuck, off topic...] But in any case, whether or not you went to a junior college, or a university, or UC Merced (no one I know can qualify that school as being good or bad yet lol), if your friends are being douchebags on that level, fuck 'em. That's really all there is to it. I mean, you "hate" them already (in quotes because I'm sure this isn't so much hate as it is superb loathing for how stupid those shitcocks are), go make new ones. Oh my, this just ties back in to the first part.
Well, no not really. I went to MIT and majored in Math w/ CS, so a lot of my friends were pretty nerdy guys who couldn't get laid. I was lucky enough to have a steady girlfriend, but she ditched me my senior year for a job at an investment bank (well she wanted me to go with her to HK, but I said no, and I said no to long-d, didn't know how it could work if she was working 80 hours a week). Anyhow, dating at MIT sucked ass anyhow so when they went off to NYC and I went to Chicago they apparently all tried becoming "ballaz" or w/e.
All I know is that one of the guys, the guy who spent his bonus on a Corvette, he's now living with his parents in Seattle. Seriously, just knowing what happened to them makes me feel bad inside, because I know they weren't like this. We used to play BW together... now they just blow their money on poker, hookers, and coke and then bitch about the economy.
I'm speaking from totally different suicidal perspectives as you are, and I'm not going to start spouting some philosophical bullshit about how "life always gets better" (fuck the naive bastards who think that way... no offense). At the very least, before offing yourself like a fuckhead, do something epic. I saw someone saying to contribute your efforts in a lesser nation... If you STILL can't find something that makes you feel like life's worth it, then fine, jump, or paint the walls with your balls ('cause brains doesn't rhyme), hang yourself, do whatever. At the very least you'll have made an effort to find that "something worth living for".
/rant... excess profanity is just excess love... I'm not rereading this, but I'm sure it's stupid.
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On December 08 2008 21:05 Energies wrote:
The more I read these forums the more I start to hate Asian parents.
Gotta agree with you man. Especially that blog that i think ypang made, about his physically abusive father.
I can't imagine what having such parents would be like.
Being caucasian, and having caucasian parents (One polish other australian), i never had a huge pressure to succeed placed on me, even when i was heralded as a child genius (What a load of crap, all that knowledge [Of my supposed intelligence] did was make me incredibly complacent and lazy academically).
I can't fathom having parents that act in such a way. T_co, my heart goes out to you dude.
Having graduated school, i now find myself in a similar position where i basically now dont talk to all the people i used to hang out with. They all formed these little cliques with eachother from which i was excluded, almost organically (As if it was just meant to be i wasnt to be part of their close friendship group).
I'm really rambling now, so all i gotta say is that my heart does go out to you.
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1584 Posts
On December 09 2008 21:03 Mada_Jiang wrote:
T_co, God made you for a reason, and you are here for a reason. Otherwise God would not have placed you here and given you a soul. He has major plans for you, much bigger than what you could possible imagine. He loves you so much that he was willing to sacrifice everything just to let you be on this earth and be happy and have an awesome life.
Get to know your maker and you will know what you are here for. and know that you are treasured. You are loved by God infinitely more than the love your parents could ever give you. And he wants you to get to know him and speak with him.
God bless you, T_co.
Amen!
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nothing that anyone here says is likely to change your life all that much, so all you can really do is take a step back and look at your life really well, see what your options are, be they move to a new city or town and start over, keep trying where you are and make amends, or just end it now. none of us can decide for you, so if there is something, anything, left to live for, then keep going for it, if not, then you can try to make something to live for, and if thats not going to happen then it your choice to end it all. ideally you will find/make something to keep on going, thats what most of the people here would prefer even though few, if any, of us actually know you. maybe that fact will help, because not everyone in this world is a totally selfish bastard who doesn't care about anything, we are proof. but either way, its your life, and your choice, lets hope something works out for you.
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