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Let me start off by saying I'm feeling horrible. Absolutely, completely crushed beyond all recognition. Pick the worst moment of your life and amplify it a thousand times, there you got me. My "soul" is irreversibly smashed.
All life I've been a pretty ugly guy. When I was a kid in elementary(is this the first school you go to? I'm guessing, English isn't my native language) people used to ask me "so, are you a girl or a boy?" and stuff like that. I was pushed around and generally not liked by anyone in particular. So I got to High School(I'm guessing, again) and I got acne. Didn't make it any better, as people now ran around shouting at me and calling me ugly all the time. I was constantly harrassed 24/7, even on the internet I wasn't left alone.
Now I'm not so ugly anymore, and I've had a girlfriend for half a year or so. But, as it turns out, now she suddenly doesn't have any feelings for me anymore, so she broke up. And now, I'm completely alone again, with no real friends to speak of. No one's calling me to ask me out, no one wants to do anything with me. That's essentially why I now am considering and actually planning suicide, because I'm such a worthless piece of shit that no one likes. When I die, only my parents will mourn, my friends may shed a few tears and forget me in a couple of months. So as it turns out, I don't mean anything to anyone EXCEPT my parents, which is my current problem.
I'm feeling so bad I could kill myself without regret within the second if offered the opportunity. But, my parents. My mother thinks very highly of me and loves me a LOT. Really a lot. She's called the police couple of times before when she didn't know where I was for a couple of hours. And she may kill herself if I commit suicide, I don't really know. My father may protect her and keep her alive until the worst sorrow has gone, but I fear she may turn mad or something like that. Blame it all on herself. I really, really, really do not want to do this to my parents, but on the other hand I'm feeling so fucking terrible now I'm barely sleeping and not eating.
I'm thinking of committing suicide tomorrow morning, throw myself before a train. I think that's fairly painless and quick, which is what I want. But there is the problem with my parents, because I cannot do either. I can't stay alive because it hurts so much for me, but I can't kill myself because it hurts so much for them. So now I end up asking advice on teamliquid because I don't have anywhere else to go. I can't really tell anyone I know in real life, because they'd probably lock me up and tell me I'm mentally ill(well, that's true, but I'm not mad or anything, just insanely insanely low).
What should I do? What's the RIGHT thing? Is it very selfish to kill myself when I feel this pain all day and all night? Do you think my parents will get over it? Can my suicide be morally defended? I honestly don't know. I'm hoping for a few opinions and answers, whatever you can give. Also, feel free to joke away and flame me, at this point it really doesn't bother me at all. As long as you have your fun, it's all fine by me.
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Even ugly men can be cool and well loved. Look at all the fat ugly actors in the world. They have it twice as bad. Ugly and fat!
The RIGHT thing.
Be a man. If it's too hard, off yourself. Get motivated and do something.
Don't worry about women or your ex for now. Don't even think about em. Keep yourself busy and active doing other things. Build hope for your future.
The difference between a failure and success is how you look at things and let them shape your life. Take this as an opportunity, eat better, exercise, get healthy. Get some money, work on any scars on your face through dermobrasian or whatever it's called. Get a job. Live with shit for another year, fix what you hate and move on.
Lonely? Don't use that word. Men aren't supposed to be lonely. They are supposed to be men. Stop being such a girl.
Best advice --> BE A MAN. This is a serious post.
PM me if you don't understand.
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Belgium8305 Posts
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The feeling of depression isn't something that is easily conquered. Especially when you get so down on yourself...and the thoughts of suicide shouldn't make you feel embarassed, but should certainly warrant additional consideration.
Depression...the extreme feeling of sadness and worthlessness that you described...is a beast. It destroys your life. Once you start thinking your life is terrible, it is hard to stop. The pain hurts...and sometimes it feels like the only way out of the pain is to end it by stopping the life that is recieving it.
People care for you, realize that. Your parents love you...you are their child. They raised you, cared for you, loved you...and make sure you realize taht you are SOMETHING to them. You are their world. Talk to them, please. They are the ones who can help you realize that your life is special to them. That, in itself, is enough make some people feel a bit better inside.
But the intense love of parents sometime's can't overcome that feeling of yours. Please, before you make a decision, talk to a counselor or your parents. Depression CANNOT be overcome alone...and I certainly don't think suicide is an answer. I was once depressed, but I got through it. .You just have to endure...and learn to love the person you are. Sure, people may bash you and call you names and put you down, but do those people really matter to you? Hell, you can't be that bad of a person if someone who doesn't even know you and has only been on these forums for a few days doesn't want you to end your life.
Just please take my advice and get some help...talk to your parents and to a counselor, it really helps, I PROMISE! Depression isn't eternal, but ending your life is. Life is so beautiful to live...so enjoy living it. Screw the people who put you down. They don't matter. The ones you love matter. Try to learn to love yourself, and things get so much better.
Hope this helps : )
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Make your own snuff film and Ebay a seat to watch private live webcam footage of your suicide and donate the money to Angelina Jolie.
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I understand what you're saying, honestly. But being a man is beyond me at this point, I've been it so many times already. Getting through the first 6 years of school or what it was, hard enough. Let me also say I wasn't just ugly, I was not cool and not well loved. Sure, some people CAN be, but I couldn't. I'm not ready to do anything, I don't wish to improve myself. Not because there isn't anything to improve but I don't see the point. I don't want to live.
And lonely? I am. Maybe I'm not a man, maybe I'm a girl. You probably would have been too, if every single person you met turned you down. Imagine meeting a new person and the first thing you get is a cold stare and not a single word. That's what's happened to me every time I've tried being a man the way you mean it. Thanks for your advice, but I can't apply it to me. Living is simply too hard.
Edit: I'm 19 years old. Too early to quit, I know. No need to tell me:p
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Cayman Islands24199 Posts
dude, are you serious. if so, sit down, meditate a abit about your existence, and i think you would recognize some pride or arrogance in your own importance to not care about these petty things.
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Surely you can get a job and improve the look of your face. Even ugly people get hired.
Surely you can exercise and improve your body if that is also a problem.
Healthy habits help your life big time.
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Go make a friend you wierdo.
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Dont give up, i dont care if i get flamed by this but go 1 time to a christian church and read the bible,
it helps a lot , it will change your whole life TRUST ME.
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Thanks a lot for your reply Overmind.. I actually promised my father to talk to a counselor before I ended my life. I'll keep that promise, even if I believe it won't help. I have talked a lot with my parents too, but they don't know me well enough to understand my problem. I haven't told anyone how I've had it at school all these years, I've kept it all inside myself and smiled every day. My mother keeps telling me "I'm strong enough to get through this" but truth to tell, I don't think I am.
Loving myself sort of seems like an option, but the only thing I really desire is love from someone else, which I cannot ever seem to get. And it burns so hard inside me to know that I'm NOTHING. Just a piece of paper to everyone else.
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Look, you talk about how everyone treats you like shit (despite the fact that you do have some friends, more than others can say) yet here you are, and nobody is treating you like shit. Sure we are potentially thousands of miles away and exist only online, but the point is not everyone in the world is going to treat you like shit, just Norwegians perhaps. What you need to do is find a place where you are excepted for who you are, rather than trying to change yourself to fit others desires. For instance, a lot of us are gamers being on a gaming related website, and if we treat you well then maybe your crowd is other gamers in your area, try hanging out with them. Cross-dressers, women, the homeless, whoever your crowd is, it's out there.
And even if nobody ever treats your nice in your entire life, things will get better. Learn to live on your own, there are many things you can enjoy in life besides whatever it is that is bringing you down.
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Russian Federation4447 Posts
Ethenielle
I've been where you were. I know what it feels like. In fact I felt that way for 7-8 years. PM me with your phone number and I'll give you a call.
Just because no one around you understands your pain doesn't mean other people in this world don't understand it either.
If you want to survive and live a happy life I can help.
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Cayman Islands24199 Posts
have a more distant view of life, do not be caught up in the petty details of everyday operations. have some goal that is for yourself and yourself alone, like say understanding this math equation or whatever philosophy, or just say, i want to understand my existence. then you'll have something to look beyond your present troubles.
as for others, we are your friends. (or just conjure up an imaginary friend or something lol)
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On March 26 2007 09:52 bsmd wrote:
Dont give up, i dont care if i get flamed by this but go 1 time to a christian church and read the bible,
it helps a lot , it will change your whole life TRUST ME.
I will try to read a little in the bible, even though I am an atheist. Thanks
On March 26 2007 09:51 SuperJongMan wrote:
Go make a friend you wierdo.
I have a few friends. But I'm very socially inept and have huge problems making new friends, as I explained in my original post.
On March 26 2007 09:48 oneofthem wrote:
dude, are you serious. if so, sit down, meditate a abit about your existence, and i think you would recognize some pride or arrogance in your own importance to not care about these petty things.
I've been thinking about my existence for a long, long while now. And I don't feel important at all. Not one bit. And that's what's killing me.
On March 26 2007 09:50 MYM.Testie wrote:
Surely you can get a job and improve the look of your face. Even ugly people get hired.
Surely you can exercise and improve your body if that is also a problem.
Healthy habits help your life big time.
I'm "fine" at the moment. I'm no longer so ugly as I once was. My body is relatively fit, I have a visible six-pack and I don't see the need to make my arms huge or anything like it. I just don't think that's the way to go.
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Fuck you, I've never had a girlfriend, I've not gotten laid yet, I'm probably older than you, and I have no more than 1 friend aside from guys I only know from the internet.
STOP BEING A FUCKING PUSSY AND MOVE ON!
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On March 26 2007 09:38 Ethenielle wrote:
Let me start off by saying I'm feeling horrible. Absolutely, completely crushed beyond all recognition. Pick the worst moment of your life and amplify it a thousand times, there you got me. My "soul" is irreversibly smashed.
All life I've been a pretty ugly guy. When I was a kid in elementary(is this the first school you go to? I'm guessing, English isn't my native language) people used to ask me "so, are you a girl or a boy?" and stuff like that. I was pushed around and generally not liked by anyone in particular. So I got to High School(I'm guessing, again) and I got acne. Didn't make it any better, as people now ran around shouting at me and calling me ugly all the time. I was constantly harrassed 24/7, even on the internet I wasn't left alone.
Now I'm not so ugly anymore, and I've had a girlfriend for half a year or so. But, as it turns out, now she suddenly doesn't have any feelings for me anymore, so she broke up. And now, I'm completely alone again, with no real friends to speak of. No one's calling me to ask me out, no one wants to do anything with me. That's essentially why I now am considering and actually planning suicide, because I'm such a worthless piece of shit that no one likes. When I die, only my parents will mourn, my friends may shed a few tears and forget me in a couple of months. So as it turns out, I don't mean anything to anyone EXCEPT my parents, which is my current problem.
I'm feeling so bad I could kill myself without regret within the second if offered the opportunity. But, my parents. My mother thinks very highly of me and loves me a LOT. Really a lot. She's called the police couple of times before when she didn't know where I was for a couple of hours. And she may kill herself if I commit suicide, I don't really know. My father may protect her and keep her alive until the worst sorrow has gone, but I fear she may turn mad or something like that. Blame it all on herself. I really, really, really do not want to do this to my parents, but on the other hand I'm feeling so fucking terrible now I'm barely sleeping and not eating.
I'm thinking of committing suicide tomorrow morning, throw myself before a train. I think that's fairly painless and quick, which is what I want. But there is the problem with my parents, because I cannot do either. I can't stay alive because it hurts so much for me, but I can't kill myself because it hurts so much for them. So now I end up asking advice on teamliquid because I don't have anywhere else to go. I can't really tell anyone I know in real life, because they'd probably lock me up and tell me I'm mentally ill(well, that's true, but I'm not mad or anything, just insanely insanely low).
What should I do? What's the RIGHT thing? Is it very selfish to kill myself when I feel this pain all day and all night? Do you think my parents will get over it? Can my suicide be morally defended? I honestly don't know. I'm hoping for a few opinions and answers, whatever you can give. Also, feel free to joke away and flame me, at this point it really doesn't bother me at all. As long as you have your fun, it's all fine by me.
I've been there before. So many things happened in such a little amount of time it was almost impossible to bear with it all. My parents died, my GF broke up with me, I lost my well paying job and struggled playing for rent/utilities/food for a long time(all within a year...yea) . Often I would go several days without eating. The crappy apartment which i was forced to move into because it was cheap was broken into several times further dwindling my few possessions. I almost killed myself several times. But now ,years past, I'm glad I didn't take the cowards way out because I pulled my life back together. Sooner or later everyone does. Keep your chin up, you're not alone as you as think.
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Beyonder
Netherlands15103 Posts
Hey man. That's not good to hear my friendly neighbourhood Priest. Here speaks someone who has had similar problems. I've had anti-depression pills and talked to a councillor for a while. Low selfesteem and what-not.
It will get better, but it is you that must work for it and find a method that helps yourself. Try to change what you can change and set goals for yourself. Work towards these goals, sometimes very slowly; find out what makes you happy and do it.
You cannot worry about women till you fix yourself. Take your time for this also. I worked for a while and even took a full year off to recover and structurally work on myself: my self esteem, my social skills, my social network, my looks, confidence...
Life is a gift. There are hard times, but you will come out of it strong and with a clear mind filled with goals you wish to achieve. You've got a lot to work for to become the person you want to be. It's your challange, don't take the easy way out, that would be ridiculously selfish and unnecessary from what I read.
Right now I am happy as I can be, and trust me I came from FAR. I am living life, I am making my dreams come true and helping as many people in the meantime. Education is on track, social life is on track, self esteem and self image is fine. It's a process that a lot of teamliquidians had to go through.
Maybe you can somewhat relate to me, fellow Stormscale wow-addict.
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Beyonder
Netherlands15103 Posts
On March 26 2007 09:57 Cpt Obvious wrote:
Fuck you, I've never had a girlfriend, I've not gotten laid yet, I'm probably older than you, and I have no more than 1 friend aside from guys I only know from the internet.
STOP BEING A FUCKING PUSSY AND MOVE ON!
No offence, but this might be the reason why this is so? This post is completely unnecessary, you're not the only person on this planet with problems. Some respect man, you're better than this. 
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Belgium8305 Posts
On March 26 2007 09:47 Ethenielle wrote:
Edit: I'm 19 years old. Too early to quit, I know. No need to tell me:p
I was mostly asking to see what your options were.
So basically, you probably just got out of high school. That's pretty much the most suitable time imagineable to turn your life around if you're not happy with it.
Either you'll pursue higher education, or you'll get a job. Either way, you'll be meeting new people. The thing you always need to remember about new people is this: they don't know a thing about you. You could be anybody. You could be the most outgoing guy they've ever seen.
I know it's easier said than done, but that's an excellent opportunity to stop reinforcing the poor image you have of yourself and just present one you like - you will see that people have a more positive attitude towards you when you look self-confident.
What I'm actually getting at is this: life might be shitty now, hell, it might've always been shitty, but that's no reason for it to be shitty in the future. I know it sounds corny and terribly cliche, but you can turn your own life around and make it a life worth living.
It would be pretty dumb to kill yourself if good times are to be had in the future!
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EPT
