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On December 01 2008 07:35 jellyfish wrote:
I agree with what was said before, that this essay seems a bit over-embellished...though being rather wordy myself, I can hardly say that it's due to your word choices. Instead, what seems to me to be missing is a depth of exploration. You describe at length the exploits of Calvin, and you gush and enthuse over their charming unconventionality, but we readers are left to assume their direct impact on your life. In other words, we only see the effects Calvin and Hobbes had on your life through the indirect lens of your confessions. Give us more concrete examples; it is, as a rule, better to show us than to tell us. Your essay will be more powerful if you let us discover for ourselves the place Calvin and Hobbes has in your heart. As it is, trying to empathize through your words alone is difficult.
what you describe isn't a lack of "depth of exploration"...
the reason i don't have any concrete examples is that i honestly don't have any worth describing. the impact itself isn't very direct anyways; reading calvin and hobbes doesn't make you start imagining you're a dinosaur
but yeah, i see your point
but i disagree with your assertion that that's the reason why it seems "over-embellished"
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On December 01 2008 07:41 jellyfish wrote:Show nested quote +On December 01 2008 07:38 DamageControL wrote:On December 01 2008 07:36 jellyfish wrote:
oh, and btw it's "prodigy", not progeny. Its a calvin and hobbes reference he says progeny rather then prodigy (and were ALL child progeny...which is the joke) oh damn my bad...guess I need to re-visit my Calvin and Hobbes >_>
They are funny, you should
edit: If your being sarcastic, he put the words in quotes, implying that he didn't actually believe this word should be there, but was using a word calvin used.
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On December 01 2008 07:54 DamageControL wrote:Show nested quote +On December 01 2008 07:41 jellyfish wrote:On December 01 2008 07:38 DamageControL wrote:On December 01 2008 07:36 jellyfish wrote:
oh, and btw it's "prodigy", not progeny. Its a calvin and hobbes reference he says progeny rather then prodigy (and were ALL child progeny...which is the joke) oh damn my bad...guess I need to re-visit my Calvin and Hobbes >_> They are funny, you should
...speaking of which, the princeton essay's prompt is:
Using a favorite quotation from an essay or book you have read in the last three years as a jumping off point, tell us about an event or experience that helped you define one of your values or changed how you approach the world. Please write the quotation at the beginning of your essay.
for which i really really really want to use:
"You know, Hobbes, some days even my lucky rocketship underpants don't help."
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LOL
LOL
Oh god, do it!
i LOVED that strip.
What kinda grades/scores did you get in high school? You seem to be applying for ridic schools
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On December 01 2008 07:59 DamageControL wrote:
LOL
LOL
Oh god, do it!
i LOVED that strip.
What kinda grades/scores did you get in high school? You seem to be applying for ridic schools
grades are pretty much meaningless b/c there's so much disparity between schools but i'm getting almost straight 100s except for fucking gov b/c the teacher grades like a bitch. same with junior and freshman year, but i completely fucked up sophomore year and got like 97s
and 5s on the 10 AP tests i've taken
but that's about it ... like i sucked ass on stuff like AMC/AIME and completely bombed the SAT/ACT
so i don't really have anything that distinguishes me to put on my apps
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this looks like a short story than an essay.
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On December 01 2008 08:05 Saracen wrote:Show nested quote +On December 01 2008 07:59 DamageControL wrote:
LOL
LOL
Oh god, do it!
i LOVED that strip.
What kinda grades/scores did you get in high school? You seem to be applying for ridic schools grades are pretty much meaningless b/c there's so much disparity between schools but i'm getting almost straight 100s except for fucking gov b/c the teacher grades like a bitch. same with junior and freshman year, but i completely fucked up sophomore year and got like 97s and 5s on the 10 AP tests i've taken but that's about it ... like i sucked ass on stuff like AMC/AIME and completely bombed the SAT/ACT so i don't really have anything that distinguishes me to put on my apps
What do you mean by 'bombed' sounds like you have high standards
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On December 01 2008 08:10 DamageControL wrote:Show nested quote +On December 01 2008 08:05 Saracen wrote:On December 01 2008 07:59 DamageControL wrote:
LOL
LOL
Oh god, do it!
i LOVED that strip.
What kinda grades/scores did you get in high school? You seem to be applying for ridic schools grades are pretty much meaningless b/c there's so much disparity between schools but i'm getting almost straight 100s except for fucking gov b/c the teacher grades like a bitch. same with junior and freshman year, but i completely fucked up sophomore year and got like 97s and 5s on the 10 AP tests i've taken but that's about it ... like i sucked ass on stuff like AMC/AIME and completely bombed the SAT/ACT so i don't really have anything that distinguishes me to put on my apps What do you mean by 'bombed' sounds like you have high standards
well all my friends are like "yeah i got a 2390/2400, what did you get?" and i'm just like T_T stfu
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lol i got a 2010 my sophomore year... so don't feel bad man.
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this is for an undergrad application, right?
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On December 01 2008 08:14 DamageControL wrote:
lol i got a 2010 my sophomore year... so don't feel bad man.
lol thanks
On December 01 2008 08:23 AcrossFiveJulys wrote:
this is for an undergrad application, right?
yup
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this essay and a few alumni connections and a million dollar donation will get you into harvard
in all honesty your essay really needs to shine in order to make a difference. Either shine as in Eureka! or shine as in steaming pile of poo. While this is not the most brilliant thing I have read, it is most definitely not a steaming pile of poo.
If you really want to get into Harvard, make your essay completely, completely different. Here's an example.
If there's one challenge I have ever had in my life, it would be convincing my parents to donate $500,000,000 dollars to Harvard University.
no, this is not an angsty anti-Harvard post, as I never applied to Harvard.
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On December 01 2008 08:41 Caller wrote:this essay and a few alumni connections and a million dollar donation will get you into harvard in all honesty your essay really needs to shine in order to make a difference. Either shine as in Eureka! or shine as in steaming pile of poo. While this is not the most brilliant thing I have read, it is most definitely not a steaming pile of poo. If you really want to get into Harvard, make your essay completely, completely different. Here's an example. If there's one challenge I have ever had in my life, it would be convincing my parents to donate $500,000,000 dollars to Harvard University. no, this is not an angsty anti-Harvard post, as I never applied to Harvard.
well i'm glad you don't think it's a steaming pile of poo
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I think it's good. Unless you have a real shot at Harvard (perfect everything, + parents / sibling who went) you've got to take a risk. Do this. I thought it was funny.
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I love Calvin and Hobbes sooo much, but in all honesty your essay says very, very little about you. Basically, you describe Calvin's way of thinking, his imagination, his adventures and say that you have been influenced by them to some degree. You don't specify to what degree. In order to fill in what degree you were influenced, you would have to talk about some personal story that shows how Calvin indirectly influenced you to act a certain way.
You just sound like you are trying to show off that you are smart by using flowery words, but that is not what colleges want to know about in this type of essay. They want to know about you as a person and how you stand out above others. All I see in your essay is how Calvin stands out, and how much you admire him.
Based on your essay, I think Harvard will try and contact Calvin and get him to enroll in their college, not one of his fans.
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too many blunt statements about yourself in a "take my word for it, i'm intellectually _______" kind of way, i dont like this kind of essay
it feels like the same sort of bs that so much literary analysis is, drawing parallels for the sake of drawing parallels and not really showing, just saying "calvin's awesome, and i'm awesome too"
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Baa?21245 Posts
Too pretentious. Harvard likes pretentious, but not obviously pretentious like this one.
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On December 01 2008 09:39 Carnivorous Sheep wrote:
Too pretentious. Harvard likes pretentious, but not obviously pretentious like this one.
i wouldn't say pretentious is bad, as long as the essay is good
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On December 01 2008 09:17 -_- wrote:
I think it's good. Unless you have a real shot at Harvard (perfect everything, + parents / sibling who went) you've got to take a risk. Do this. I thought it was funny.
thanks
On December 01 2008 09:26 GrayArea wrote:
I love Calvin and Hobbes sooo much, but in all honesty your essay says very, very little about you. Basically, you describe Calvin's way of thinking, his imagination, his adventures and say that you have been influenced by them to some degree. You don't specify to what degree. In order to fill in what degree you were influenced, you would have to talk about some personal story that shows how Calvin indirectly influenced you to act a certain way.
You just sound like you are trying to show off that you are smart by using flowery words, but that is not what colleges want to know about in this type of essay. They want to know about you as a person and how you stand out above others. All I see in your essay is how Calvin stands out, and how much you admire him.
Based on your essay, I think Harvard will try and contact Calvin and get him to enroll in their college, not one of his fans.
barring the "You just sound like you are trying to show off that you are smart by using flowery words," i completely agree with you. the problem with my writing, though, is if i actually put some sort of substance (through personal experiences or whatever) in it, i usually end up sounding like a total noob
also, it's really hard to "substantiate" ways calvin has influenced me ... i mean, he's made me more creative, but he hasn't made me build a fort out of sandwiches
On December 01 2008 09:39 Carnivorous Sheep wrote:
Too pretentious. Harvard likes pretentious, but not obviously pretentious like this one.
thanks for the input; i'm glad i am so lucky to receive the criticism of one entrusted with harvard's innermost thoughts and feelings
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you're only hearing what you want to hear imo
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EPT
