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My Harvard Application (Essay)

Blogs > Saracen
Post a Reply
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Saracen
Profile Blog Joined December 2007
United States5139 Posts
Last Edited: 2012-02-15 09:20:19
November 30 2008 22:12 GMT
#1
EDIT: Submitted

*
koreakool
Profile Joined January 2008
United States334 Posts
November 30 2008 22:18 GMT
#2
calvin and hobbes isn't TOO obscure
but then again should you really write about a comic strip character?
fight_or_flight
Profile Blog Joined June 2007
United States3988 Posts
November 30 2008 22:19 GMT
#3
These books have shaped my outlook on life; I have learned to cherish creativity and approach problems with a nonconventional mindset – to employ for the daunting task of cerebral enhancement none other than a metal colander and to eke a profit by selling a product of only the highest quality and demand, a “frank appraisal of your looks.”

I'd say this sentence is a little over-the-top.
Do you really want chat rooms?
Saracen
Profile Blog Joined December 2007
United States5139 Posts
November 30 2008 22:20 GMT
#4
On December 01 2008 07:18 koreakool wrote:
calvin and hobbes isn't TOO obscure
but then again should you really write about a comic strip character?

idk, for my common app essay, i wrote about how i "overcame a traumatic and life-changing illness", so i sort of wanted to offset it
plus, i was hoping to get in more sarcasm, but that didn't really come off very well
Equinox_kr
Profile Blog Joined December 2006
United States7395 Posts
November 30 2008 22:20 GMT
#5
I'm a really bad analyst on college essays but sounds like a really unique topic about
^-^
Saracen
Profile Blog Joined December 2007
United States5139 Posts
November 30 2008 22:21 GMT
#6
On December 01 2008 07:19 fight_or_flight wrote:
Show nested quote +
These books have shaped my outlook on life; I have learned to cherish creativity and approach problems with a nonconventional mindset – to employ for the daunting task of cerebral enhancement none other than a metal colander and to eke a profit by selling a product of only the highest quality and demand, a “frank appraisal of your looks.”

I'd say this sentence is a little over-the-top.

so i should just cut the references? (for this sentence)
Xenocide_Knight
Profile Blog Joined January 2008
Korea (South)2625 Posts
November 30 2008 22:21 GMT
#7
too many big words
sounds like ur trying too hard
just write from the heart
Shine[Kal] #1 fan
thunk
Profile Blog Joined March 2008
United States6233 Posts
November 30 2008 22:23 GMT
#8
It sounds like you used a thesaurus as your bible. I actually really like the ideas behind the essay, it's just it doesn't sound like anyone I know.
Every time Jung Myung Hoon builds a vulture, two probes die. || My post count was a palindrome and I was never posting again.
fight_or_flight
Profile Blog Joined June 2007
United States3988 Posts
November 30 2008 22:25 GMT
#9
On December 01 2008 07:21 Saracen wrote:
Show nested quote +
On December 01 2008 07:19 fight_or_flight wrote:
These books have shaped my outlook on life; I have learned to cherish creativity and approach problems with a nonconventional mindset – to employ for the daunting task of cerebral enhancement none other than a metal colander and to eke a profit by selling a product of only the highest quality and demand, a “frank appraisal of your looks.”

I'd say this sentence is a little over-the-top.

so i should just cut the references? (for this sentence)

I didn't even realize it had references in it, I was just talking about the verbiage.
Do you really want chat rooms?
DamageControL
Profile Blog Joined July 2007
United States4222 Posts
Last Edited: 2008-11-30 22:28:37
November 30 2008 22:28 GMT
#10
Everything I say comes with a grain of salt; I do not claim to be the best writer. Reject everything i have to say if you want, these are my humble views on how you can improve your essay
Okay, maybe he’s not technically a man, and perhaps he’s not as infallible as I previously professed

I think you can fix this, to sound a bit more...college level? I understand this is the most formal of formal essays, but this just sounds messy.
...“progeny”; he is, indeed, a man among men. Okay, maybe he’s not technically a man, and perhaps he’s not as infallible as I previously professed; however,...

To be perfectly honest, i like semi-colons, but using them two sentences in a row seems a little much.
I became acquainted with Calvin and his quirky feline counterpart in 1998 when I received a copy of Watterson’s The Authoritative Calvin and Hobbes for my eighth birthday.
I'd insert Hobbes' name. "...Calvin and his quirky feline counterpart, Hobbes, in 1998, when I received...
...both completely bogus, and completely entertaining...
I know repetition is a common literary device, but here, I don't feel it helps. Just use another word.
Calvin introduced me to the most unfamiliar frontiers; I’ve followed him from the fringes of the Yukon

Semicolon again! Although I guess its just fine fine if you take out one of the earlier ones.
And then you go on to use it twice more...um definitely cut down on the use of the semicolon i think.
Liquid | SKT
Saracen
Profile Blog Joined December 2007
United States5139 Posts
November 30 2008 22:30 GMT
#11
On December 01 2008 07:21 Xenocide_Knight wrote:
too many big words
sounds like ur trying too hard
just write from the heart

mkay i'll dumb down the first few sentences for you:

I started reading Calvin and Hobbes in 1998 when I got a copy of The Authoritative Calvin and Hobbes for my eighth birthday. Since then, I've gotten tons more books that say how completely badass he is; I've seen him own up an army of "deranged mutant killer monster snow goons" and give bogus test answers, which was pretty funny because they were just so bogus.

better?

honestly, though, it's how calvin talks, so i thought it would be appropriate
and, incidentally, it's how i write
usually, though, i'm way more sarcastic (way less heartfelt), so i don't sound like i'm "us[ing] a thesaurus as [my] bible"
Exousia
Profile Joined November 2008
United States38 Posts
November 30 2008 22:31 GMT
#12
Do you really write like that? Doesn't convince me that it's written in your own voice.
Saracen
Profile Blog Joined December 2007
United States5139 Posts
November 30 2008 22:34 GMT
#13
On December 01 2008 07:28 DamageControL wrote:
Everything I say comes with a grain of salt; I do not claim to be the best writer. Reject everything i have to say if you want, these are my humble views on how you can improve your essay
Show nested quote +
Okay, maybe he’s not technically a man, and perhaps he’s not as infallible as I previously professed

I think you can fix this, to sound a bit more...college level? I understand this is the most formal of formal essays, but this just sounds messy.
Show nested quote +
...“progeny”; he is, indeed, a man among men. Okay, maybe he’s not technically a man, and perhaps he’s not as infallible as I previously professed; however,...

To be perfectly honest, i like semi-colons, but using them two sentences in a row seems a little much.
Show nested quote +
I became acquainted with Calvin and his quirky feline counterpart in 1998 when I received a copy of Watterson’s The Authoritative Calvin and Hobbes for my eighth birthday.
I'd insert Hobbes' name. "...Calvin and his quirky feline counterpart, Hobbes, in 1998, when I received...
Show nested quote +
...both completely bogus, and completely entertaining...
I know repetition is a common literary device, but here, I don't feel it helps. Just use another word.
Show nested quote +
Calvin introduced me to the most unfamiliar frontiers; I’ve followed him from the fringes of the Yukon

Semicolon again! Although I guess its just fine fine if you take out one of the earlier ones.
And then you go on to use it twice more...um definitely cut down on the use of the semicolon i think.


cool thanks
Show nested quote +
Okay, maybe he’s not technically a man, and perhaps he’s not as infallible as I previously professed

I think you can fix this, to sound a bit more...college level? I understand this is the most formal of formal essays, but this just sounds messy.

yeah i agree, but i can't really think of any good transitions atm
Show nested quote +
I became acquainted with Calvin and his quirky feline counterpart in 1998 when I received a copy of Watterson’s The Authoritative Calvin and Hobbes for my eighth birthday.
I'd insert Hobbes' name. "...Calvin and his quirky feline counterpart, Hobbes, in 1998, when I received...

it's because i never really mention hobbes in my essay ,,, maybe i'll just get rid of "quirky feline counterpart"

and stfu i love semicolons >_<
jellyfish
Profile Blog Joined June 2008
United States149 Posts
November 30 2008 22:35 GMT
#14
I agree with what was said before, that this essay seems a bit over-embellished...though being rather wordy myself, I can hardly say that it's due to your word choices. Instead, what seems to me to be missing is a depth of exploration. You describe at length the exploits of Calvin, and you gush and enthuse over their charming unconventionality, but we readers are left to assume their direct impact on your life. In other words, we only see the effects Calvin and Hobbes had on your life through the indirect lens of your confessions. Give us more concrete examples; it is, as a rule, better to show us than to tell us. Your essay will be more powerful if you let us discover for ourselves the place Calvin and Hobbes has in your heart. As it is, trying to empathize through your words alone is difficult.
Mastermind
Profile Blog Joined April 2008
Canada7096 Posts
November 30 2008 22:36 GMT
#15
On December 01 2008 07:21 Xenocide_Knight wrote:
too many big words
sounds like ur trying too hard
just write from the heart

I agree with this. It came of like you were trying to use to many big words.
jellyfish
Profile Blog Joined June 2008
United States149 Posts
November 30 2008 22:36 GMT
#16
oh, and btw it's "prodigy", not progeny.
DamageControL
Profile Blog Joined July 2007
United States4222 Posts
Last Edited: 2008-11-30 22:40:11
November 30 2008 22:36 GMT
#17
Yeah but you can't use them like every line!
And I'm not sure about the last sentence either.
Overall I really like the essay (Perhaps because of arrogance, because you write similarly to me)
EDIT: The weakness with your writing, like mine, is it sounds like you over-embellish (although for me, that comes naturally) and you need to vary sentence structure a bit more
Liquid | SKT
DamageControL
Profile Blog Joined July 2007
United States4222 Posts
November 30 2008 22:38 GMT
#18
On December 01 2008 07:36 jellyfish wrote:
oh, and btw it's "prodigy", not progeny.

Its a calvin and hobbes reference he says progeny rather then prodigy (and were ALL child progeny...which is the joke)
Liquid | SKT
Saracen
Profile Blog Joined December 2007
United States5139 Posts
November 30 2008 22:39 GMT
#19
On December 01 2008 07:25 fight_or_flight wrote:
Show nested quote +
On December 01 2008 07:21 Saracen wrote:
On December 01 2008 07:19 fight_or_flight wrote:
These books have shaped my outlook on life; I have learned to cherish creativity and approach problems with a nonconventional mindset – to employ for the daunting task of cerebral enhancement none other than a metal colander and to eke a profit by selling a product of only the highest quality and demand, a “frank appraisal of your looks.”

I'd say this sentence is a little over-the-top.

so i should just cut the references? (for this sentence)

I didn't even realize it had references in it, I was just talking about the verbiage.

yeah, there are some phrases that i don't really like in my essay
such as:
"he’s not as infallible as I previously professed"
"I’ve watched him valiantly vanquish"
they just sound so noob
but if i were to change them, i would have to go to the taboo thesaurus.com
and i could never do that! :O

On December 01 2008 07:31 Exousia wrote:
Do you really write like that? Doesn't convince me that it's written in your own voice.

no, but i'm going to submit it as mine anyways
jellyfish
Profile Blog Joined June 2008
United States149 Posts
November 30 2008 22:41 GMT
#20
On December 01 2008 07:38 DamageControL wrote:
Show nested quote +
On December 01 2008 07:36 jellyfish wrote:
oh, and btw it's "prodigy", not progeny.

Its a calvin and hobbes reference he says progeny rather then prodigy (and were ALL child progeny...which is the joke)


oh damn my bad...guess I need to re-visit my Calvin and Hobbes >_>
Saracen
Profile Blog Joined December 2007
United States5139 Posts
November 30 2008 22:46 GMT
#21
On December 01 2008 07:35 jellyfish wrote:
I agree with what was said before, that this essay seems a bit over-embellished...though being rather wordy myself, I can hardly say that it's due to your word choices. Instead, what seems to me to be missing is a depth of exploration. You describe at length the exploits of Calvin, and you gush and enthuse over their charming unconventionality, but we readers are left to assume their direct impact on your life. In other words, we only see the effects Calvin and Hobbes had on your life through the indirect lens of your confessions. Give us more concrete examples; it is, as a rule, better to show us than to tell us. Your essay will be more powerful if you let us discover for ourselves the place Calvin and Hobbes has in your heart. As it is, trying to empathize through your words alone is difficult.

what you describe isn't a lack of "depth of exploration"...
the reason i don't have any concrete examples is that i honestly don't have any worth describing. the impact itself isn't very direct anyways; reading calvin and hobbes doesn't make you start imagining you're a dinosaur
but yeah, i see your point
but i disagree with your assertion that that's the reason why it seems "over-embellished"
DamageControL
Profile Blog Joined July 2007
United States4222 Posts
Last Edited: 2008-11-30 22:55:42
November 30 2008 22:54 GMT
#22
On December 01 2008 07:41 jellyfish wrote:
Show nested quote +
On December 01 2008 07:38 DamageControL wrote:
On December 01 2008 07:36 jellyfish wrote:
oh, and btw it's "prodigy", not progeny.

Its a calvin and hobbes reference he says progeny rather then prodigy (and were ALL child progeny...which is the joke)


oh damn my bad...guess I need to re-visit my Calvin and Hobbes >_>

They are funny, you should
edit: If your being sarcastic, he put the words in quotes, implying that he didn't actually believe this word should be there, but was using a word calvin used.
Liquid | SKT
Saracen
Profile Blog Joined December 2007
United States5139 Posts
November 30 2008 22:56 GMT
#23
On December 01 2008 07:54 DamageControL wrote:
Show nested quote +
On December 01 2008 07:41 jellyfish wrote:
On December 01 2008 07:38 DamageControL wrote:
On December 01 2008 07:36 jellyfish wrote:
oh, and btw it's "prodigy", not progeny.

Its a calvin and hobbes reference he says progeny rather then prodigy (and were ALL child progeny...which is the joke)


oh damn my bad...guess I need to re-visit my Calvin and Hobbes >_>

They are funny, you should

...speaking of which, the princeton essay's prompt is:
Using a favorite quotation from an essay or book you have read in the last three years as a jumping off point, tell us about an event or experience that helped you define one of your values or changed how you approach the world. Please write the quotation at the beginning of your essay.

for which i really really really want to use:
"You know, Hobbes, some days even my lucky rocketship underpants don't help."
DamageControL
Profile Blog Joined July 2007
United States4222 Posts
November 30 2008 22:59 GMT
#24
LOL
LOL
Oh god, do it!
i LOVED that strip.
What kinda grades/scores did you get in high school? You seem to be applying for ridic schools
Liquid | SKT
Saracen
Profile Blog Joined December 2007
United States5139 Posts
November 30 2008 23:05 GMT
#25
On December 01 2008 07:59 DamageControL wrote:
LOL
LOL
Oh god, do it!
i LOVED that strip.
What kinda grades/scores did you get in high school? You seem to be applying for ridic schools

grades are pretty much meaningless b/c there's so much disparity between schools but i'm getting almost straight 100s except for fucking gov b/c the teacher grades like a bitch. same with junior and freshman year, but i completely fucked up sophomore year and got like 97s
and 5s on the 10 AP tests i've taken
but that's about it ... like i sucked ass on stuff like AMC/AIME and completely bombed the SAT/ACT
so i don't really have anything that distinguishes me to put on my apps
Raithed
Profile Blog Joined May 2007
China7078 Posts
November 30 2008 23:07 GMT
#26
this looks like a short story than an essay.
DamageControL
Profile Blog Joined July 2007
United States4222 Posts
November 30 2008 23:10 GMT
#27
On December 01 2008 08:05 Saracen wrote:
Show nested quote +
On December 01 2008 07:59 DamageControL wrote:
LOL
LOL
Oh god, do it!
i LOVED that strip.
What kinda grades/scores did you get in high school? You seem to be applying for ridic schools

grades are pretty much meaningless b/c there's so much disparity between schools but i'm getting almost straight 100s except for fucking gov b/c the teacher grades like a bitch. same with junior and freshman year, but i completely fucked up sophomore year and got like 97s
and 5s on the 10 AP tests i've taken
but that's about it ... like i sucked ass on stuff like AMC/AIME and completely bombed the SAT/ACT
so i don't really have anything that distinguishes me to put on my apps

What do you mean by 'bombed' sounds like you have high standards
Liquid | SKT
Saracen
Profile Blog Joined December 2007
United States5139 Posts
November 30 2008 23:12 GMT
#28
On December 01 2008 08:10 DamageControL wrote:
Show nested quote +
On December 01 2008 08:05 Saracen wrote:
On December 01 2008 07:59 DamageControL wrote:
LOL
LOL
Oh god, do it!
i LOVED that strip.
What kinda grades/scores did you get in high school? You seem to be applying for ridic schools

grades are pretty much meaningless b/c there's so much disparity between schools but i'm getting almost straight 100s except for fucking gov b/c the teacher grades like a bitch. same with junior and freshman year, but i completely fucked up sophomore year and got like 97s
and 5s on the 10 AP tests i've taken
but that's about it ... like i sucked ass on stuff like AMC/AIME and completely bombed the SAT/ACT
so i don't really have anything that distinguishes me to put on my apps

What do you mean by 'bombed' sounds like you have high standards

well all my friends are like "yeah i got a 2390/2400, what did you get?" and i'm just like T_T stfu
DamageControL
Profile Blog Joined July 2007
United States4222 Posts
November 30 2008 23:14 GMT
#29
lol i got a 2010 my sophomore year... so don't feel bad man.
Liquid | SKT
AcrossFiveJulys
Profile Blog Joined September 2005
United States3612 Posts
November 30 2008 23:23 GMT
#30
this is for an undergrad application, right?
Saracen
Profile Blog Joined December 2007
United States5139 Posts
November 30 2008 23:33 GMT
#31
On December 01 2008 08:14 DamageControL wrote:
lol i got a 2010 my sophomore year... so don't feel bad man.

lol thanks
On December 01 2008 08:23 AcrossFiveJulys wrote:
this is for an undergrad application, right?

yup
Caller
Profile Blog Joined September 2007
Poland8075 Posts
November 30 2008 23:41 GMT
#32
this essay and a few alumni connections and a million dollar donation will get you into harvard

in all honesty your essay really needs to shine in order to make a difference. Either shine as in Eureka! or shine as in steaming pile of poo. While this is not the most brilliant thing I have read, it is most definitely not a steaming pile of poo.

If you really want to get into Harvard, make your essay completely, completely different. Here's an example.

If there's one challenge I have ever had in my life, it would be convincing my parents to donate $500,000,000 dollars to Harvard University.


no, this is not an angsty anti-Harvard post, as I never applied to Harvard.
Watch me fail at Paradox: http://www.teamliquid.net/forum/viewmessage.php?topic_id=397564
Saracen
Profile Blog Joined December 2007
United States5139 Posts
November 30 2008 23:54 GMT
#33
On December 01 2008 08:41 Caller wrote:
this essay and a few alumni connections and a million dollar donation will get you into harvard

in all honesty your essay really needs to shine in order to make a difference. Either shine as in Eureka! or shine as in steaming pile of poo. While this is not the most brilliant thing I have read, it is most definitely not a steaming pile of poo.

If you really want to get into Harvard, make your essay completely, completely different. Here's an example.

If there's one challenge I have ever had in my life, it would be convincing my parents to donate $500,000,000 dollars to Harvard University.


no, this is not an angsty anti-Harvard post, as I never applied to Harvard.

well i'm glad you don't think it's a steaming pile of poo
-_-
Profile Blog Joined November 2003
United States7081 Posts
December 01 2008 00:17 GMT
#34
I think it's good. Unless you have a real shot at Harvard (perfect everything, + parents / sibling who went) you've got to take a risk. Do this. I thought it was funny.
GrayArea
Profile Blog Joined December 2007
United States872 Posts
December 01 2008 00:26 GMT
#35
I love Calvin and Hobbes sooo much, but in all honesty your essay says very, very little about you. Basically, you describe Calvin's way of thinking, his imagination, his adventures and say that you have been influenced by them to some degree. You don't specify to what degree. In order to fill in what degree you were influenced, you would have to talk about some personal story that shows how Calvin indirectly influenced you to act a certain way.

You just sound like you are trying to show off that you are smart by using flowery words, but that is not what colleges want to know about in this type of essay. They want to know about you as a person and how you stand out above others. All I see in your essay is how Calvin stands out, and how much you admire him.

Based on your essay, I think Harvard will try and contact Calvin and get him to enroll in their college, not one of his fans.
Kang Min Fighting!
SpiritoftheTunA
Profile Blog Joined August 2006
United States20903 Posts
Last Edited: 2008-12-01 00:38:20
December 01 2008 00:36 GMT
#36
too many blunt statements about yourself in a "take my word for it, i'm intellectually _______" kind of way, i dont like this kind of essay

it feels like the same sort of bs that so much literary analysis is, drawing parallels for the sake of drawing parallels and not really showing, just saying "calvin's awesome, and i'm awesome too"
posting on liquid sites in current year
Carnivorous Sheep
Profile Blog Joined November 2008
Baa?21242 Posts
December 01 2008 00:39 GMT
#37
Too pretentious. Harvard likes pretentious, but not obviously pretentious like this one.
TranslatorBaa!
SpiritoftheTunA
Profile Blog Joined August 2006
United States20903 Posts
December 01 2008 00:40 GMT
#38
On December 01 2008 09:39 Carnivorous Sheep wrote:
Too pretentious. Harvard likes pretentious, but not obviously pretentious like this one.

i wouldn't say pretentious is bad, as long as the essay is good
posting on liquid sites in current year
Saracen
Profile Blog Joined December 2007
United States5139 Posts
Last Edited: 2008-12-01 01:09:23
December 01 2008 01:08 GMT
#39
On December 01 2008 09:17 -_- wrote:
I think it's good. Unless you have a real shot at Harvard (perfect everything, + parents / sibling who went) you've got to take a risk. Do this. I thought it was funny.

thanks

On December 01 2008 09:26 GrayArea wrote:
I love Calvin and Hobbes sooo much, but in all honesty your essay says very, very little about you. Basically, you describe Calvin's way of thinking, his imagination, his adventures and say that you have been influenced by them to some degree. You don't specify to what degree. In order to fill in what degree you were influenced, you would have to talk about some personal story that shows how Calvin indirectly influenced you to act a certain way.

You just sound like you are trying to show off that you are smart by using flowery words, but that is not what colleges want to know about in this type of essay. They want to know about you as a person and how you stand out above others. All I see in your essay is how Calvin stands out, and how much you admire him.

Based on your essay, I think Harvard will try and contact Calvin and get him to enroll in their college, not one of his fans.

barring the "You just sound like you are trying to show off that you are smart by using flowery words," i completely agree with you. the problem with my writing, though, is if i actually put some sort of substance (through personal experiences or whatever) in it, i usually end up sounding like a total noob
also, it's really hard to "substantiate" ways calvin has influenced me ... i mean, he's made me more creative, but he hasn't made me build a fort out of sandwiches

On December 01 2008 09:39 Carnivorous Sheep wrote:
Too pretentious. Harvard likes pretentious, but not obviously pretentious like this one.

thanks for the input; i'm glad i am so lucky to receive the criticism of one entrusted with harvard's innermost thoughts and feelings
SpiritoftheTunA
Profile Blog Joined August 2006
United States20903 Posts
December 01 2008 01:23 GMT
#40
you're only hearing what you want to hear imo
posting on liquid sites in current year
fight_or_flight
Profile Blog Joined June 2007
United States3988 Posts
December 01 2008 01:26 GMT
#41
When are you gonna send it off?
Do you really want chat rooms?
theonemephisto
Profile Blog Joined May 2008
United States409 Posts
December 01 2008 01:31 GMT
#42
This is just my opinion and I mean this in the best way possible and without any malice, but you sound like a douchebag in the essay. Big words (though they're used pretty well) come fast and unnecessarily often, you're "voice" (which admissions officers love to talk about) doesn't really come across, and you tend to just tell the reader stuff, rather than show them. And I think that you tried to parody Calvin's way of talking, but that's an extremely dangerous route that relies on the reader being very familiar with C&H AND wanting to take the time to really read and think about and recognize your essay (which they probably won't).

I have to agree with some others that have said that it doesn't tell them anything about you. At best they have to take it on faith that Calvin represents these characteristics of you. Showing instead of telling is a good rule, though I've personally found it very hard to follow. Nice if you can pull it off though.

And the last sentence really puts me off. Little too cliched, don't you think?
Saracen
Profile Blog Joined December 2007
United States5139 Posts
Last Edited: 2008-12-01 01:36:58
December 01 2008 01:35 GMT
#43
On December 01 2008 10:23 SpiritoftheTunA wrote:
you're only hearing what you want to hear imo

yeah, that's true
but some people's opinions aren't worth hearing, anyways

On December 01 2008 10:26 fight_or_flight wrote:
When are you gonna send it off?

it's due dec. 1, so maybe after school tomorrow after i have my english teacher take a look at it

On December 01 2008 10:31 theonemephisto wrote:
This is just my opinion and I mean this in the best way possible and without any malice, but you sound like a douchebag in the essay. Big words (though they're used pretty well) come fast and unnecessarily often, you're "voice" (which admissions officers love to talk about) doesn't really come across, and you tend to just tell the reader stuff, rather than show them. And I think that you tried to parody Calvin's way of talking, but that's an extremely dangerous route that relies on the reader being very familiar with C&H AND wanting to take the time to really read and think about and recognize your essay (which they probably won't).

I have to agree with some others that have said that it doesn't tell them anything about you. At best they have to take it on faith that Calvin represents these characteristics of you. Showing instead of telling is a good rule, though I've personally found it very hard to follow. Nice if you can pull it off though.

And the last sentence really puts me off. Little too cliched, don't you think?

yeah, probably
EDIT: do you think i should just cut the last sentence?
DamageControL
Profile Blog Joined July 2007
United States4222 Posts
December 01 2008 01:45 GMT
#44
Yes, or change it, to be a better closer
Liquid | SKT
SpiritoftheTunA
Profile Blog Joined August 2006
United States20903 Posts
December 01 2008 01:50 GMT
#45
if you are implying my opinions about your essay are not worth hearing, lets make a wager regarding whether you get into hahvahd
posting on liquid sites in current year
OneOther
Profile Blog Joined August 2004
United States10774 Posts
December 01 2008 01:56 GMT
#46
On December 01 2008 10:50 SpiritoftheTunA wrote:
if you are implying my opinions about your essay are not worth hearing, lets make a wager regarding whether you get into hahvahd

lol and what does that prove
DamageControL
Profile Blog Joined July 2007
United States4222 Posts
December 01 2008 01:59 GMT
#47
Harvard is 10% acceptance rate what does that prove o_o
My brother got rejected from yale, his co-valedictorian from harvard. Even very well qualified people don't get in to these schools
Liquid | SKT
Saracen
Profile Blog Joined December 2007
United States5139 Posts
December 01 2008 02:00 GMT
#48
On December 01 2008 10:50 SpiritoftheTunA wrote:
if you are implying my opinions about your essay are not worth hearing, lets make a wager regarding whether you get into hahvahd

lol actually i was referring to gems such as these:
"too many big words
sounds like ur trying too hard
just write from the heart"
"Do you really write like that? Doesn't convince me that it's written in your own voice."
"oh, and btw it's "prodigy", not progeny."
"Too pretentious. Harvard likes pretentious, but not obviously pretentious like this one."

to be honest, i feel this essay is really comparatively weak, which is why i'm posting it on TL for revisions/waiting for my english teacher's opinion on it

i don't really see the connection between "you are implying my opinions about your essay are not worth hearing" and "lets make a wager regarding whether you get into hahvahd"
...unless you're an admissions officer?
SpiritoftheTunA
Profile Blog Joined August 2006
United States20903 Posts
December 01 2008 02:04 GMT
#49
On December 01 2008 11:00 Saracen wrote:
Show nested quote +
On December 01 2008 10:50 SpiritoftheTunA wrote:
if you are implying my opinions about your essay are not worth hearing, lets make a wager regarding whether you get into hahvahd

lol actually i was referring to gems such as these:
"too many big words
sounds like ur trying too hard
just write from the heart"
"Do you really write like that? Doesn't convince me that it's written in your own voice."
"oh, and btw it's "prodigy", not progeny."
"Too pretentious. Harvard likes pretentious, but not obviously pretentious like this one."

to be honest, i feel this essay is really comparatively weak, which is why i'm posting it on TL for revisions/waiting for my english teacher's opinion on it

i don't really see the connection between "you are implying my opinions about your essay are not worth hearing" and "lets make a wager regarding whether you get into hahvahd"
...unless you're an admissions officer?

i.e. if you don't listen to my gem of advice, u wont get into hahvahd

also im trolling

ez
posting on liquid sites in current year
Saracen
Profile Blog Joined December 2007
United States5139 Posts
December 01 2008 02:24 GMT
#50
On December 01 2008 11:04 SpiritoftheTunA wrote:
Show nested quote +
On December 01 2008 11:00 Saracen wrote:
On December 01 2008 10:50 SpiritoftheTunA wrote:
if you are implying my opinions about your essay are not worth hearing, lets make a wager regarding whether you get into hahvahd

lol actually i was referring to gems such as these:
"too many big words
sounds like ur trying too hard
just write from the heart"
"Do you really write like that? Doesn't convince me that it's written in your own voice."
"oh, and btw it's "prodigy", not progeny."
"Too pretentious. Harvard likes pretentious, but not obviously pretentious like this one."

to be honest, i feel this essay is really comparatively weak, which is why i'm posting it on TL for revisions/waiting for my english teacher's opinion on it

i don't really see the connection between "you are implying my opinions about your essay are not worth hearing" and "lets make a wager regarding whether you get into hahvahd"
...unless you're an admissions officer?

i.e. if you don't listen to my gem of advice, u wont get into hahvahd

also im trolling

ez

it's okay, it's not really my essay
thanks for the input, though
NastyMarine
Profile Blog Joined May 2006
United States1252 Posts
December 01 2008 16:25 GMT
#51
you should talk to exalted about this
Treatin' fools since '87
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