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The morning after, she stepped out into the sunlight, paper grasped in her hand. She frowned, joined her eyebrows in worry. The essay had been due just last night, and to have gotten it back already...?
Nervously she unfolded the essay. She winced reflexively from the red marks, felt them tear at her insides, but kept turning to the last page. Not even reading the comments, her eyes searched first for the letter emblazoned solidly at the bottom. For a moment she was stricken, held in place by some invisible power of the symbol; but soon sheepishly averted her gaze.
She huffed a quick sigh and closed the paper, noting briefly the red marks and words littering the page. The ghosts of yesterday's half-hearted optimisms haunted her mind, teasing to the bitter chorus of her insecurities. She recalled then her freshman composition class, where her teacher had promised an early entrance to the bright and bustling world of academic writing. She remembered, wistfully, that her writing had evolved from a shaky, high school babble to a smooth locution of mastery, dropping essays like perfectly ripened fruit.
She became quite aware again of her mangled paper in front of her, the rough quality chafing at her winter-chilled hands, and wondered what happened between then and now to have crippled her so. She'd known yesterday, too, that somehow she wasn't as good a writer as before, struggled to squeeze out the sorry scraps of her ability; no matter how she tried the result frustrated her with its incoherence, its childishness, its confused and conflicted voice.
The rumble of the bus in the distance shook her out of her reverie. The backpack swiveled with a twist of her hips, and the forsaken paper was filed carefully at the back, out of sight. With a swift breath of the cold, sharp air, she took a measure of the breeze, the time, the way the last stubborn leaves swiveled down to earth, and melted into the general stream of students going about their daily routines.
:edit: better? oO
  
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Bahrain5288 Posts
put it in stanzas then ill read it
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Yeah haha its really hard to read it like that EDIT please.
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Where did you learn to write? That have exactly the same tone as a porn story...
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lots of long, complicated words
5/5
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Still, what are you intending on writing since that style certainly do not fit in most circumstances.
It works as a short story like this but if you write longer you need a pulse instead of cramming every bit out of everything like you do in this piece. You know how to vocalize emotions with text, thats good, but then you also need to realize when its appropriate to do it or its kinda worthless.
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A few too many descriptive words.
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On November 25 2008 03:45 Wurzelbrumpft wrote:
lots of long, complicated words
5/5
rofl. best marking scheme ever.
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I actually enjoy this style (Then again I enjoy Bronte' >< ), and I thought the piece was good too. It captured all facets of the feeling fairly well.
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it's a love story between me and the girl
cute
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On November 25 2008 04:59 paper wrote:
it's a love story between me and the girl
cute
The story tells us how lousy a lover you are though :p
The whole of it just reeks: Paper = failure.
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Wow, this is really good. 
It reminds me of getting so many essays back. P.S. What nubs gave this a low score?
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I liked it..
it would be better though if it ended with some action such as
"The rumble of the bus in the distance shook her out of her reverie. The bus was driving thrusting its way on the sidewalk and soon... it thrusted INSIDE HER!!"
or somethin
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Very nicely written, and I know I've done that before... But, is there a point to this?
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are you asian? O_O!
the reason I say this is because most asian people I know use way too many long, unnecessary long words just because they technically fit.
anyways, you tried to use way too many long, descriptive words in places where they weren't needed.
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yay thanks for the comments. I don't write much but I'm trying to get more proficient at it, so I figured I would post something for general feedback. so the criticisms were very helpful, and the compliments encouraging.
I was a little confused about the comments that the word choice was a little overdone...? I can see a couple spots where I should have edited but in general this is how I write - I didn't go out of my way to use extra big words or anything... I can sense that maybe the style I employed was a little off kilter for the scene at times, but beyond that I'm lost. So if anyone could point out to my biased eyes where the vocabulary was obstructive, I would be very grateful ^^
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don't listen to the critics. your writing is actually very good, in comparison with what most high schoolers are capable of. just lay off on the adjectives and clever metaphors. you don't need to adorn every sentence. you are sometimes kind of redundant, and I feel like you strain too hard to make some sentences work. i.e. why write "huffed a quick sigh" when you can write "she sighed"? Nobody winces nonreflexively, and you don't avert your gaze in any way except sheepishly. Shitty writers strain. Good writers work with what they have.
in general, as a beginner focus on the "big picture" before you worry about making your prose sound like hemingway. learn what makes an effective story or essay. write a lot... produce something longer than 5 paragraphs. there is nothing worse than reading about the world's most one-dimensional characters being described in fucking poetry.
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EPT
