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Hello Tl, writing is one of my hobbies. I enjoy it a lot and helps me cope with stress/depression many times. I'm not going to pretend that I'm good, though I think I can say that I'm not completely hopeless but who knows.
I wrote this short story (only a page long) for my gr.12 Writer's craft class which was a year ago and I decided to post it seeking comments/criticism's/compliments. Reason is, because i love writing so much, I'm actually writing a fiction book that I'm going to self-publish (because I'm not good enough to get it published) and distribute to friends since they have generally liked my pieces.
Also if you'd like, post some of your own pieces to receive the same kind of responses that hopefully I'm looking for. This piece is pretty emo though, since it was a time where the girl I liked had a boyfriend, my group of friends were fighting etc. Its also very subtle, its inspired by Ernest Hemmingway's "Hills like White Elephants."
I'm hoping Tl's talented writers can help me, and if I can prove skillful enough contribute in making articles (I am planning on making a starcraft article soon.)
Silhouettes
The snow gently fell on the sleeping streets and sidewalks as the morning buses quietly glided along the deserted roads. The dimmed lampposts revealed a silhouette of a boy, waiting for the bus on a cold Monday morning.
“You’re thinking about it, even now.” The frosty air clung to the boy’s ears.
“I know” He replied.
“I thought you gave up”
“I did…”
“Then?”
“It’s just hard to forget. I see them everywhere”
“See what?”
“The silhouettes… Two of them”
“Those two?”
“Yeah, those two.”
The boy tilted his head and watched his breath rise. The stars were gone and there was no moon. He watched his breath disappear as the cold snow gently collected on his face. He closed his eyes, watching again the silhouettes in his mind.
“So mysterious, and yet so familiar, those two…”
“We worked on this”
“And when I think about it, maybe if things happened differently... maybe in the future”
“Think of what you’re wishing for.”
The boy shook his head and sighed. The sun was still asleep and the snow continued to pile up on the dozing concrete. From the distance, against the falling snow and bitter darkness, a pale glow was visible to the boy’s eyes. They were lights, slowly getting brighter. His eyes strained at the lights and the coming bus,
“It looks like a train…”
“It is a train, it can take you anywhere.”
“I don’t believe you…”
“The transfer can take you anywhere.”
“I don’t believe you…”
The bus gently landed beside the stop. He paused for a second before he stepped alone into the vehicle. He took his transfer and quietly sat down on a single seat at the back.
“You okay now?”
“Yeah… Sorry”
The boy held the transfer tightly in his hand and glanced at the numbers.
“11.” Looking at the gentle dance of the snowflakes as they fell and the now fading darkness, the boy smiled and the silhouettes, for at least a moment, disappeared.
+ Show Spoiler + I know its hard to get but the guy is talking to himself and the silhouettes are the girl he likes with another guy.
 
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join nanowrimo if you like to write.. im above 2k atm lol.
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Holy Christ, 50,000 is beastly though... Okay I will try thanks!
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"The snow gently fell on the sleeping streets and sidewalks..."
Always make attempts at avoiding alliteration.
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United States17042 Posts
On November 04 2008 07:26 LightRailCoyote wrote:
"The snow gently fell on the sleeping streets and sidewalks..."
Always make attempts at avoiding alliteration.
Unless it's an effect that you're aiming for.
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On November 04 2008 07:27 waterGHOSTCLAWdragon wrote:Show nested quote +On November 04 2008 07:26 LightRailCoyote wrote:
"The snow gently fell on the sleeping streets and sidewalks..."
Always make attempts at avoiding alliteration. Unless it's an effect that you're aiming for.
In prose, 99 percent of the time it just sounds bad. In poetry, it can be applied, but i don't think there are many ways it can be used well in prose. I'd be glad to hear one though.
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On November 04 2008 07:26 LightRailCoyote wrote:
"The snow gently fell on the sleeping streets and sidewalks..."
Always make attempts at avoiding alliteration.
Okay, thanks, this is the stuff I need haha, and no it wasn't intended
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United States17042 Posts
On November 04 2008 07:46 LightRailCoyote wrote:Show nested quote +On November 04 2008 07:27 waterGHOSTCLAWdragon wrote:On November 04 2008 07:26 LightRailCoyote wrote:
"The snow gently fell on the sleeping streets and sidewalks..."
Always make attempts at avoiding alliteration. Unless it's an effect that you're aiming for. In prose, 99 percent of the time it just sounds bad. In poetry, it can be applied, but i don't think there are many ways it can be used well in prose. I'd be glad to hear one though.
The author already responded to you (he likes your criticism xD).
I think that you're right, and it's not really used in modern prose. However, it is used in poetry (as you stated), as well as older English (I believe there are alliterations used in every line in beowulf).
I also would say that if it's a key line/word/saying in a fictional story, as well as a cliche, then it's okay for it to be alliterative (Do or Die, Now or Never, etc.).
I sort of put the above cases into my response ("Unless it's an effect that you're aiming for"). If it's not, and you do it on accident...well, you should be proofreading xD.
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On November 04 2008 07:46 LightRailCoyote wrote:Show nested quote +On November 04 2008 07:27 waterGHOSTCLAWdragon wrote:On November 04 2008 07:26 LightRailCoyote wrote:
"The snow gently fell on the sleeping streets and sidewalks..."
Always make attempts at avoiding alliteration. Unless it's an effect that you're aiming for. In prose, 99 percent of the time it just sounds bad. In poetry, it can be applied, but i don't think there are many ways it can be used well in prose. I'd be glad to hear one though.
Bad advice from a bad author 
+ Show Spoiler +
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On November 04 2008 07:56 waterGHOSTCLAWdragon wrote:Show nested quote +On November 04 2008 07:46 LightRailCoyote wrote:On November 04 2008 07:27 waterGHOSTCLAWdragon wrote:On November 04 2008 07:26 LightRailCoyote wrote:
"The snow gently fell on the sleeping streets and sidewalks..."
Always make attempts at avoiding alliteration. Unless it's an effect that you're aiming for. In prose, 99 percent of the time it just sounds bad. In poetry, it can be applied, but i don't think there are many ways it can be used well in prose. I'd be glad to hear one though. The author already responded to you (he likes your criticism xD). I think that you're right, and it's not really used in modern prose. However, it is used in poetry (as you stated), as well as older English (I believe there are alliterations used in every line in beowulf). I also would say that if it's a key line/word/saying in a fictional story, as well as a cliche, then it's okay for it to be alliterative (Do or Die, Now or Never, etc.). I sort of put the above cases into my response ("Unless it's an effect that you're aiming for"). If it's not, and you do it on accident...well, you should be proofreading xD.
1) I hate cliche.
2) Thanks for bringing my attention to the beowulf thing, I'll check that out.
3) to Psychotemplar: explain how my advice is bad?
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Those who can, do; Those who can't, teach. English teachers and people like yourselves follow arbitrary rules, and scoff when works disobey them. The audiences any author is trying to please reads what they like to read, and doesn't care for these elitist fool's rules.
The golden rule in writing is to change what you don't like, and keep what you like. If something doesn't sound good, change it, regardless of whether it obeys the rules or not. If you like something, keep it, regardless of what the rules say.
I once had someone tell me that my poetry was good to read, but that because I didn't have perfect syllable counts, it wasn't good overall. I knew this was stupid advice at the time, but I got obsessive over syllable counts for awhile anyway. Then I realised things don't always flow right when I obey such a strict and foolish rule, so I proved it stupid.
Authors who follow the rules are generally boring, pitiful, and never read for pleasure. Authors who write what they've deemed themselves good on their own, end up being praised by all but the jealous fools who can't accept that their mastery of the English language, being greater than theirs, allowed them to transcend the guidelines they learned in school.
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Ba chomp.
Ba chomp.
Ba chewy chomp chomp.
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On November 04 2008 09:29 PsycHOTemplar wrote:
Those who can, do; Those who can't, teach. English teachers and people like yourselves follow arbitrary rules, and scoff when works disobey them. The audiences any author is trying to please reads what they like to read, and doesn't care for these elitist fool's rules.
The golden rule in writing is to change what you don't like, and keep what you like. If something doesn't sound good, change it, regardless of whether it obeys the rules or not. If you like something, keep it, regardless of what the rules say.
I once had someone tell me that my poetry was good to read, but that because I didn't have perfect syllable counts, it wasn't good overall. I knew this was stupid advice at the time, but I got obsessive over syllable counts for awhile anyway. Then I realised things don't always flow right when I obey such a strict and foolish rule, so I proved it stupid.
Authors who follow the rules are generally boring, pitiful, and never read for pleasure. Authors who write what they've deemed themselves good on their own, end up being praised by all but the jealous fools who can't accept that their mastery of the English language, being greater than theirs, allowed them to transcend the guidelines they learned in school.
Alliteration in prose, in my opinion, interrupts flow and sounds like it was forced into the writing. I read it. I didn't like it.
The person who told you about syllable count is an idiot, it's true. But just because that one instance proved you right doesn't mean you get to shit on my opinion here.
Also, this may seem niggling, but I've read for pleasure all my life. So sheathe your literary penis before you slap yourself. It's not becoming.
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I'll becoming on you if you don't get out of my way, peasant.
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Nice piece! I like it and can totally see the relation to "Hills like White Elephants" lol
But, to me, the imagery was kind of unclear and confusing. I understand that you might be trying to convey the transition between darkness and light (if you are and I am not just spouting bs), but I dunno. Saying it's the morning and then describing it as if it were night is mindboggling for a second without stating further context (it's the early morning, or he is one among the first to wake up in this city, etc.)
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You dream come true Insane Lane! He's actually trying to be like Hemingway!
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On November 04 2008 09:42 PsycHOTemplar wrote:
I'll becoming on you if you don't get out of my way, peasant.
Hah, that was actually kind of clever.
I agree w/ you that rules can be broken when one sees fit, but in this case it'd have been better to scrap the alliteration.
In fact, usually alliteration just sounds forced in prose.
Also, "Peasant"? That's one of the more pretentious insults that's been hurled at me in recent memory.
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On November 04 2008 09:43 Insane Lane wrote:
Nice piece! I like it and can totally see the relation to "Hills like White Elephants" lol
But, to me, the imagery was kind of unclear and confusing. I understand that you might be trying to convey the transition between darkness and light (if you are and I am not just spouting bs), but I dunno. Saying it's the morning and then describing it as if it were night is mindboggling for a second without stating further context (it's the early morning, or he is one among the first to wake up in this city, etc.)
Lol, yeah I was contrasting the early morning as a sort of his realization that he must move on kind of thing. He's still stuck in 'darkness' let's presume, and that with time he should get over it, represented by the rising sun etc. Yeah the transition might've been crap, and it happened too fast but yeah, it was a year ago and i'd like to think my writing's got a bit better before then.
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On November 04 2008 09:45 PsycHOTemplar wrote:
You dream come true Insane Lane! He's actually trying to be like Hemingway!
Not really trying to become him, I respect him as an author cause hes a pimp and i generally enjoy his works. It'd be nice to be as good as him, but writing, to me, is just still a hobby XD.
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EPT
