EPTThis past week I discovered that one of my idols would be in my town performing my favorite album of his, in its entirety. Too much to ask for I thought except for one minor problem, I wasn't 21. SON OF A BITCH! Another show I couldn't attend because I was just shy of the big 2 1 when I could finally drink without reserve, let the flood gates go and the city can reap the sown. A heavy drinker since the young age of 13 I certainly can hold my own in the ring but for the love of god it sure ruins your night when the cops arrive and your friends keep their seats as you drop 5 feet headfirst out a small ass window. This time though the solution was much more simple than any of that.
August 25th
That just so happens to be Sean Connerys Birth Day, the first James Bond not to mention the best by far. The man is a true legend amongst a sea of retarded, half witted actors pretending to do their jobs while they count their millions. Sean Connery can infiltrate Alcatraz, defeat Al Capone, and FUCKING PLAY THE GOD DAMN BAG PIPES! WHAT THE FUCK! How does all of this pertain to my story you ask? Well my birthday just so happens to be the exact same day as the original Bond, James Bond and though I cannot kill mob bosses with a shotgun hidden in my bag pipes while wearing a kilt I am 21. One can clearly see the distinct commonalities here.
With that taken care of I merely needed to beg some money out of my mom for a ticket and some alcohol, not an easy task but definitely one I had taken on before. As I came home on Thursday night and my mom was relaxing on the couch I weighed the various outcomes of a monetary venture against her defenses at this hour. Though it was late she seemed happy with her ice cream and television alight, as always though she was volatile, willing to explode at any time if given a good enough reason. I carefully approached her being careful to make my footsteps silent and my voice as soothing as possible I asked the question.
"Hey mom!" Best to keep a smile on the face, never let her see the fear in your soul.
"Hi dear how was your day?" Things seemed decent so far.
"Fine, you know just hung out with some friends and stuff. How was yours?" I knew the answer but asked the question out of pure will to survive rather than interest.
"Long and tiring, I had school today as well." This where things seemed to go a bit downhill...
"Oh really? I am sorry you gonna go to bed soon?" The clock was really ticking now, waiting any longer could put my manhood in jeopardy, anything goes when your up against the one. Her eyes were devoid of emotion, dark as the night yet light as the day, I can honestly say I was scared and wished myself in bed pennyless for the rest of my life rather than weathering the tempest that is my mother. But it was too late to turn back, if one foot is in why not see how it is with both?
"Yeah probably, I want to finish watching my show and then I think I will go read for a bit before bed." Confusion sets in as I wonder whether she is directing me to leave the room so her program can end, or merely making small talk with her beloved son.
"Ok. Well I was wondering if I could have 40 dollars to go to a show tomorrow night?" I realized my mistake right away and though I tried my best to correct it, I knew that she wouldn't give me an inch in such a situation.
"Do you think I am made of MONEY?" My flesh began to crawl, its not the goosebumps feeling you know, its more like a demon has been summoned from hell and she has everyone of your organs in her hands, gently caressing them until she needs them no more. "I gave you 20 dollars just the other day and what did you do with that? Did you spend it at SCHOOL?" Weed. "WHAT ABOUT THAT 30 DOLLARS LAST FRIDAY?" Weed. "AND THAT 25 I GAVE YOU LAST WEEK?" Weed. Like a cornered animal I shat myself, actually I don't know if cornered animals actually do that but I sure did.
"I.. I.. I spe.." My mouth began to dribble sound, something was happening I had no control over and I couldn't tell if this was going for better or the worse. "I spent it on a birthday present for Aunt Anne." Total system failure... I completely let go of all consciousness and let that deep dark corner of my brain take control. Its that place deep inside of you that thinks up excuses when cops pull you over, the one that would punch a girl while you held your eyes shut. Yes I let Bizzaro Me take over for a minute, and it spit out the ultimate excuse.
"Really? That is so nice, well I guess if you work for me tomorrow and on Saturday I will loan you that money. But you had better not drive home drunk, in fact do you need some extra for a cab?"
"Sure, maybe like 5 more?" Low ball it, I tried so hard to keep my cool here and luckily I was still a bit Bizzaro and my mind reacted naturally to the offer of money.
"No taxis are much more than that aren't they? Where are you coming back from?"
"Downtown, I am not sure how much they cost."
![[image loading]](http://img390.imageshack.us/img390/9940/gzafw1.jpg)
"Well just take 20 and bring me the change." The decks were no longer awash with fear, my senses returned and the feeling in my limbs began to return. On a pure fluke I had survived, instinct had taken the wheel and on chance driven directly to the light at the end of the tunnel. In fact things had turned out better than I had even planned, lady luck lay near me that night and guided me to the final stage before the concert.
To Be Continued...
