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I've written about some aspects of my romantic life before, but I just want to ask here a really deep, kind of personal therapy question.
Picture an idiotic freshman in college. You know, the type of guy who goes to all his classes and tries really hard to be "cool". He has no friends his first year. He's the quintessential "loser kid". He gets to know about this really hot (erm, I mean cute) artist who has everything he wants in a girl--nobility. The fact that she carried herself with an air of nobility, like she was a real life princess or something of that sort. Someone dignified, who deserved a great guy. That really draws him; he's never met someone like that before.
The thing is, he really fucks things up with her. Because relationships came easy to him in high school, he really had no experience in actually chasing a girl that doesn't like him. Long story short, he doesn't know how to go after her and things go frosty.
Well, beyond frosty. I haven't spoken to her, a single word to her in about 18 months now. In fact I have avoided her.
I never understood why. At first I just took it as a "well she's not my type, I should go after somebody else" before realizing that I was just rationalizing it... it hurt to try to talk to her. So I just never did.
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The wierd thing is I made it. I'm no longer the awkward freshman kid with no friends who plays BW all day long and reminisces over his high school days. I have a wide circle of friends now, a girlfriend who loves me, a great job ahead, a good future.
But now, the better my life gets, the worse the pain feels. I still... I don't know if it's love or obsession or what... but I think of her. I think of what we could be like together... each of my successes, I wish I could let her know, celebrate with her, cheer for her as she becomes a successful artist, fulfill our dreams together.
And that's the thing. She's never stopped being my dream. Deep down inside I know that I work hard each day in order so that one day, one day I storm the palace gates and claim my princess. But each step I take--I am reminded of the futility of it all, of the fact that it is very likely I will never be able to kiss her again in this lifetime.
She now has a great boyfriend from what I hear. He'a real gentleman, a nice guy. I'd be good friends with him if he wasn't dating her. She'll have a good life. I'm happy for that, but it's bittersweet. Because I keep believing (perhaps erroneously) that she would be better off with me, that, dammit, she will be better off with me. And with that belief comes the knowledge that the better her life is, the less likely it is that I am right, that I can make her life better by...
By loving her.
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I've never mentioned this to anyone I know personally. People around me still tease me about her--they just think it was some sort of failed tease, failed flirting. They think it's like that because I choose to. I never let them know about the extent of my emotions, mainly because it wouldn't have helped as she already had someone else by then. But beneath my happy go-lucky exterior, beneath all the smiles and the laughter ("haha check out what [name removed] did with her BF... haha, you kidding me? I don't like her at all now...") beneath the facade... I still love her. I dream of her. She is my dream.
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Am I fucked up?
Is something wrong with me? I hate this feeling now, I hate it. I've never felt this way about any girl, and from an outsider's perspective, it probably feels really retarded--especially because I knew her for barely 3 months before liking her, and a lot of my emotions for her have developed AFTER she rejected me. I feel like a loser everytime I think about this, honestly.
Finally, the reason I ask all of you, is, of course, anonymity. If I told all my friends this now, they'd think I'm crazy. And the good life I have so carefully constructed out of the ashes of an awkward and retarded first year, it'll disappear.
But sometimes I wonder if that would be worth it, if only for the chances to kiss her, once, and look into her beautiful dreamer eyes and tell her "I love you"...
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People should not be controlled by their memories.
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On June 15 2008 17:37 XCetron wrote:
People should not be controlled by their memories.
qft Xcetron... but how do I break free?
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It's probably just the mystery that is getting to you. When you put it into perspective, you most likely wouldn't feel the same way. Try this, go ahead and ditch everything good you have going for you now, go avenge your curiosity, and let us know how it went after. Not trying to be pessimistic, but chances are that you'd envy what you've got now after you found out.
I feel the same way sometimes, but if I think long enough, it's just romanticizing romance. The hardest thing in the world is to be content and learning to find out that the best things in the world aren't always the most rare, exotic, or exciting on the surface.
Currently, my friends and people around me think I'm insane for not getting back together with an old girlfriend of mine. We are best friends, and still are attracted to each other, everything... I've been retarded for so long. I know that I'd end up launching my head into a tree stump repeatedly if I lost the great things I have going for me now.
If all of that what I just said doesn't begin to change your mind in the slightest, then you gotta address this thing and find out for real. You're way too far gone to just let this slide in that case. It's up to you, but these decisions will cost you something.
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christ, this is the definition of emo
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On June 15 2008 17:39 t_co wrote:Show nested quote +On June 15 2008 17:37 XCetron wrote:
People should not be controlled by their memories. qft Xcetron... but how do I break free?
find somebody new? ~~
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I have a wide circle of friends now, a girlfriend who loves me, a great job ahead, a good future.
Focus on that! You are far better off than most people. If you've haven't talked to this girl you don't really know what she is like, your mind has constructed a fantasy of perfection which you just have to accept is just that: fantasy. Perhaps it is because you were lonely before you thought a lot about it which is why it seems so real, but I'm sure if you actually knew her well, you'd prefer your current girlfriend.
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On June 15 2008 17:53 Holylight wrote:
christ, this is the definition of emo
word, feelings are tawtaly emo
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On June 15 2008 18:37 besiger.cry wrote:word, feelings are tawtaly emo
nah feelings are cool, i dunno i guess ive heard these kind of stories too often. im a hardened old man
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JUST THINK SOUR GRAPES YO
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Sydney2287 Posts
To me this sounds like a grass is always greener situation. Tbh I've never been in the same situation, but I guess it boils down to realising how well off you are (at least, it sounds like it) and asking is it worth losing some of this for something that may not work out (outcome of which depends on so much that we don't know).
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5673 Posts
Pardon the sidewalk philosophy here, but it seems to me that you're attracted to the idea of her.
This isn't the movies, this is real life, and you are obsessed with an imaginary person. One of the bull crap ideologies that pop culture pushes down our throats is that of soulmates. I mean, I'm all for love at first sight, but sometimes it just doesn't work that way. Attraction, like and love, grow, and flow and ebb - they aren't constants.
You are attracted to this person in a weird way, but have you ever thought that you may be fueling that feeling yourself? Perhaps, unconsciously, you want to continue being attracted to her because you think you don't deserve to be loved? Are you pining for her because she pushed you away? Is it a pride issue? Are you sabotaging your current relationship because you don't believe you deserve to be in a good, stable, loving relationship? These are all questions that you can only answer for yourself.
I just think that for you, she's the one that got away, as simple as that. Believe me, if you do get her back, it wont be as awesome as you think it will be. You have a girlfriend now, and she loves you - that's more than a lot of guys can say. I suggest you stop being a noob, and forget this. She's taken, you're taken, and this isn't a hollywood romantic comedy. Step up and face real life, mate.
Note: I'm not suggesting you accept your fate, and resign yourself to your current girlfriend - that's not fair on either of you. Just ask yourself - is this attraction something I'm doing to myself, and if so, why?
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In general people want what they cannot get. You cannot accept what you see as a failure. It wasn't a failure if you can accept the succes you have now. It was a learning experience. You clung onto her because you were a stranger in a new place. It is a fantasy to want to undo everything that went wrong. It wasn't a failure if you can accept the succes you have now.
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I bet that artist is so hot now.
It's amazing what a year or two can do to girls.
Imagine how nice coffee and conversation woulda been with her.
Instead, you are there with your girlfriend wondering about her boyfriend.
Life sucks. I suggest suicide.
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bird in hand is better than 2 in a bush
you have no idea if you can get this "ideal" girl don't fuck up what you have
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On June 15 2008 22:55 riptide wrote:
Pardon the sidewalk philosophy here, but it seems to me that you're attracted to the idea of her.
This isn't the movies, this is real life, and you are obsessed with an imaginary person. One of the bull crap ideologies that pop culture pushes down our throats is that of soulmates. I mean, I'm all for love at first sight, but sometimes it just doesn't work that way. Attraction, like and love, grow, and flow and ebb - they aren't constants.
You are attracted to this person in a weird way, but have you ever thought that you may be fueling that feeling yourself? Perhaps, unconsciously, you want to continue being attracted to her because you think you don't deserve to be loved? Are you pining for her because she pushed you away? Is it a pride issue? Are you sabotaging your current relationship because you don't believe you deserve to be in a good, stable, loving relationship? These are all questions that you can only answer for yourself.
I just think that for you, she's the one that got away, as simple as that. Believe me, if you do get her back, it wont be as awesome as you think it will be. You have a girlfriend now, and she loves you - that's more than a lot of guys can say. I suggest you stop being a noob, and forget this. She's taken, you're taken, and this isn't a hollywood romantic comedy. Step up and face real life, mate.
Note: I'm not suggesting you accept your fate, and resign yourself to your current girlfriend - that's not fair on either of you. Just ask yourself - is this attraction something I'm doing to myself, and if so, why?
Thread is over.
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You should meet up with your GF, the "ideal" girl and her BF. Then haev an orgy.
+ Show Spoiler +n of course record it and torrent to me asaply
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What's yourexperience with this girl? Why did you fall in love with her? Did you guys become friends and shit or is this just a random physical obsession? Your doing an injustice to your girlfriend by loving this other chick. It will all go to shit if you don't change something.
Do what you truly want to.
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well, if u really want to be with her go for it, no regrets.
either way that sucks man TT
i need a cig now, that made me hella depressed cuss I been there with different circumstances. TT gl~
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But now, the better my life gets, the worse the pain feels. I still... I don't know if it's love or obsession or what... but I think of her. I think of what we could be like together... each of my successes, I wish I could let her know, celebrate with her, cheer for her as she becomes a successful artist, fulfill our dreams together.
TBH I think that's really unfair to your current gf that all you want to do is spend your life with another girl. Don't play with people like that, please.
Yes, it is obsession. Because if it weren't, you could truly be happy for her and go on with your life. Love is about putting someone else's ego before your own. All you seem to want to do, is trap her in your cage, or more appropriately, in the dungeon tower of your castle 
You're not "messed up." This isn't exactly uncommon, and your experience here is normal. What's going to change you from a 'normal asshole' to a 'normal guy' is overcoming these feelings, and not lying to everyone around you. Either get over her, or quit fooling around and go get your heart broken.
Pardon the sidewalk philosophy here, but it seems to me that you're attracted to the idea of her.
I hate that phrase so much, but it's true here. You don't even know this girl personally, on any meaningful level. The phrase 'judging a book by its cover' isn't just about giving ugly things a chance.
PS: Yeah, I guess I basically just repeated what everyone else said... Use your head dude, this is only as complicated as you make it.
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EPT
