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So I have a problem, its been bugging me and tearing me down for many years. Its sort of a fear related-personality issue, that I can't really explain, and has gone to great extents. It is in similar form to the fear I posted earlier when I joined this site. The first part of the problem is that I'm too nervous and shy, when I'm at a formal party or something and I'm talking with someone or at least people I know close, and then some people that I know not too well or to some degree, come talking to me and I'm put in a situation where I have to give some kind of introduction, then I immediately become scared and I usually put myself in an ackward/embarassing sitaution (espiecally with adults). This is less likely to happen when I have friends my age. The second problem is that I'm hyper-sensitive, and I can't handle it no matter how hard I try because its just the way I am. So I care too much about what others think of me and how others perceive me too an extent that I should not and is not normal. So say I did put myself in an embarrassing sitaution, or in a sitaution where I fuck up somehow or people are forced to ignore me completely later on or anything else of that ilk, I become depressed and drained as if it really did matter to me. I find it very difficult to not care. The third part of the problem is that I am intimidated by others sucesses. So say I'm in a class and someone got an A and I got a B, then I have and I have the urge to compare myself completely with the person who got an "A", with everything. If I keep getting a "B" and that person keeps getting an "A", then I feel intimidated and I feel as though I can't do anything and that person has some sort of uncanny innate ability over me and one I can never overcome no matter how hard I try to reason with myself. So then what happens is that I fear trying to work harder, or study harder because I fear I can't do any good or better. the fourth part of the problem is that I HAVE to and I also have an urge in this, to compare myself with that someone else to see if I'm better or worse in many ways, in many things. And as I mentioned I do especially it when it involves academics, if I do better then a person that I'm happy. If another person does better then me, then I'm unhappy and I become frightened or depressed. The fourth part of the fear, is that I feel inferior and a lack of self-worth when I think of others who are better off then me or are doing better, it seems I have to also compare myself with them. Then I think I can never do as good as them, ever in any time or reach to the position they are in, then comes a belief that I can never reach that person's position EVER.
The fifth part is that once I'm in that stage, I have a obsessive urge to have the thing or lifestyle the person that is better then me has. But then I feel as though I can NEVER have it due to the reasons mentioned above. So I feel helpless and trapped. I also feel I'm not complete without being better off, so I again should have it.
This fear goes to even greater extents sometimes, where I ultimately don't feel so good about myself. I have procrastinated doing things that I should, and I lost a lot of things because of this fear. As I grew up I was able to overcome some of these fears, and I communicated about them. But this fear manifests in so many forms, across so many things that its been tearing me down very deep. Any advice, suggestion, tips?
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Your social problem: embarrass yourself a couple more times, you will find yourself getting better each time - as long as you don't give up.
I think comparison/competition is not a bad thing...just that you seems to be obsessed with it.
Perhaps you can try to think it thru - why did the person do whatever he does better than you did, and work on it. Blindly imitating the person that is "better" than you merely makes you a follower.
or
go play some sc and it will all go away.
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but he will then lose at sc and he'll get depressed =.=
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Its not funny guys, I get into this drive but I also fear competition sort of.
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Honestly go see a therapist. You have some issues that will negatively impact your life for possibly a very very long time unless you treat it. This type of problem is a perception problem so there is no easy answer. Think of it like an eating disorder where everyday is going to be a challenge for you. Therapy and drugs OO. Antidepressants or an anti-anxiety may be shitty but is being this anxious about anything good? How old are you and how long have you felt like this?
On November 19 2007 11:23 KH1031 wrote:
I think comparison/competition is not a bad thing...just that you seems to be obsessed with it.
Perhaps you can try to think it thru - why did the person do whatever he does better than you did, and work on it. Blindly imitating the person that is "better" than you merely makes you a follower.
Life isn't Starcraft and you can't be the best at everything. He needs to learn self acceptance. I would be so stressed out if I saw everything as a competition and life would suck balls. Most people would probably start to hate me as well OO
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I'm still in Highschool, but this started in 7th grade, and no I can't see a therapist because its a very stupid decision as my $$ will be taken away, its costly, while the therapist makes me dependant and all sorts of crap etc. I really appreciate your help though, but right now therapy or seeing a psychologist is not really an option.
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my advice:
1) don't take any drugs/medications.....its just stupid, and overprescribed and won't help you in the long run
2) as you get older, you will start to care less of what people think of you. The reason is that as you get older, you will have less time (because you have other things to worry about). So you should realize that the only thing you are doing by worrying about what other people think of you is just having unnecessary stress. I guess I don't really have any advice on what you can do, all I'm saying is you should spend your time having fun rather than worrying about people, because soon you won't have time to do either.
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On November 19 2007 12:47 Thegreatbeyond wrote:
and no I can't see a therapist because its a very stupid decision as my $$ will be taken away, its costly, while the therapist makes me dependant and all sorts of crap etc.seeing a psychologist is not really an option.
then you suck and there's no point in trying to help you if you dont seek "professional" help. Yes therapist will charge, they have to make a living out of it. BUT he has the tools to help you. If you're too stupid not to see this, then gl. i would curse you further but there's no point.
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Omg dude I'm EXACTLY the same when it comes to your first big paragraph, just the second one I'm different.
For your first problem about shyness and stuff what I've been trying to do is stop myself from avoiding situations and instead force myself into getting in those uncomfortable situations. At first its really uncomfortable because you're screwing up your talking left and right, but as you do it more over time it gets better. You just gotta have the mentality that you shouldn't care what someone thinks of you. Like I used to be really really emberassed if I screwed up something really minor when talking to someone, like for example I was talking to this chick and I said I had been at the high I was currently at "all my life" when I meant I was there for the past 5 years. I was hecka emberassed when I thought about it for the rest of the day but now I realize that I shouldn't give a shit about what she thinks (it's not like she's gonna remember me or that screwup anyway) or what any other stranger does.
Your second problem I was just talking about, and I can tell you I have like sooooooo the exact same problem. If I "screwed up" like gave a wrong answer in class or whatever I'd be really really sad and angry at myself for the rest of the day and even the week. I've started to learn to simply not care, and unless you put in the effort to try and not care, then it's never gonna get better. Remind yourself of the fact that what others think of you simply doesn't matter. Who cares if person A thinks youre this and that or if person B thinks that youre blah blah blah. Another thing to just keep you in a reality check is the fact that most people will forget your "screwups" really quickly. I bet you can remember every one of your "screwups", cause personally I can remember nearly all of them I've made this year and I used to get really sad thinking about them. Again, remind yourself that noone else apart from you has actually remembered all those incidents, and even if they did, and consequently thought of you in a certain not-so-good way, make an effort to prety much say 'screw them' to their opinions of you (of course not that extreme, but just trying to convey the "meh" attitude that you need to have, although sometimes its important to listen to what others think of you).
With your third problem, again try to stop caring about what others are achieving. Just concentrate on setting your own goals and looking after your own progress. At first it might seem totally futile cause you won't be able to stop comparing yourself to that other person, but if you continue to try and ignore what others are achieving, over time it'll get better (it certainly has for me). For me, this year (last year of HS) has been a 'horrible' year for me, because I kept comparing myself to my friend who went to chemistry olympiad and got a bronze medal (when I didn't even make it past the first stage of testing) and got top in the country in physics (I didn't get any prizes), and got a kickass scholarship which is worth about 40 grand, while I only got a small 6 grand scholarship. I felt really sad, depressed, angry, envious, jealous etc. But now I'm learning to just let go of it. If I really did do that 'badly' in my eyes (and alot of my friends sometimes get very angry at me because I always talk about doing badly when I still do better than the average student) then I should stop crying and whining and start working harder to get to where I want to be.
With respect to the thing about not being able to do as good as that other person, if you stopped caring about what others were achieving then that would help that alot. Also, realise the fact that you have not worked anywhere near the point where you've reached your potential, so stop thinking about not being able to reach a certain mark, and start thinking about the potential you have in yourself and the hard work you're gonna need to put in if you want to come close to reaching your professional.
I haven't seen a therapist or anything and I only spoke to a couple friends online about the problems I have. Apart from that, I've just been forcing myself to do all the things I listed above, and to encourage you, it really has started working for me. I'm hardly every dissapointed or sad now, and if I am, I quickly get over it and get back to work. Add me on msn if you want to talk about it: skyglow1@hotmail.com.
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These issues you are dealing with are pretty common, and a lot of it has to do with the fact that you are very young, and also the fact that you are growing up in a highly competitive and image obsessed culture. There's nothing wrong with you! When you are stressing about these things, relax, take a deep breath. There is nothing wrong with you. Tell yourself "I am good enough." You might not believe it right now, but work on it.
It comes down to this culture and this society being a giant game. Your mistake (the mistake of many young people and people in general) is that you believe the game is real. You think that your rank in society really means something, that what other people think of you really means something. It's just a game. Like any game, its rules are arbitrary. But when you begin to acknowledge that it is just a game, other people will be intimidated or offended or freaked out by you, because they take it seriously!
The reality is that life is beautiful, and you are beautiful, and nothing can change that. The difficulty is learning to see it this way, because so many people are trying to convince you that the illusion of this game is real.
The fame and status and wealth that other people have is probably fine, but it's not all-important. Those things don't make you a whole or beautiful person. As for making mistakes, everyone makes mistakes, everyone is goofy in some way, and nervousness is pretty damn common, especially in the younger years.
Work on seeing that you don't need approval to be a good person. Tell yourself you are good enough the way you are. As you get older, you'll begin to relax and have confidence. For many it starts really happening in the early to late 20's, but you begin sooner and you never stop developing.
Avoid medication. You are very normal, buddy!
Nick
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Just to really reiterate this: you are normal. Most people in your age group are obsessed by the same things you are, but they just don't show it. This is why people are so obsessed with image. This is why people make a big deal about nice clothes, fancy school degrees, nice cars, big houses, huge social networks. Inside they are deeply insecure and they use these things to feel whole, and more importantly, to appear whole to others. It's really pretty sad, because I don't believe that life HAS to be this way, but in this society (and many others) it is.
See through the illusion! It is difficult... the game is very compelling. But keep working at it. You are normal.
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Hawk: I realize you are most likely joking. The thing is, a lot of people believe what you just said. A lot of young people even believe what you just said. I've talked to so many young people who turn to alcohol, or want to turn to alcohol, as a way to cope with nervousness that arises from public speaking or talking to women. It's a bad idea. It's a bad idea because alcohol (and anti anxiety medication) are a crutch that enable you to accomplish what you want, but they keep you weak in the process. In fact, these things make you weaker, because you begin to depend on something external to you to be able to function. Everything you need is inside of yourself. But sometimes it takes work. People are afraid of work and afraid of failure, even if a few failures ultimately make you stronger.
Pain and struggle are nature's way of making us stronger and better.
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Well im not saying to turn to for everything obviously lol. But if you're drunk one day at a party, (were not talking sloshed her, just a few drinks so you're calmed) and you are successful, youll see it wasnt so bad and there wasnt much to be a fraid of in the first place. Soon, you realize that you don't need it, you just need to stop worrying about shit so much.
Some people don't need this first coming out experience with liquor, others (like me) need that 'coming out party' in college to jus have it hit them, 'holy shit... i was a pussy, this isnt so bad' You know, like how the people who were considered quite dorks in high school turn into intelligent socialites.
That's only applying to the social aspect and you being embarassed and what not. Really, let you inhabitions go. hell, go to a random ass party or area where you know NO ONE and just go up to everyone you see. If you need to (i still get this some nights when I go out) say to yourself 'even if I make the biggest ass out of myself, ill never see this person again and ill just laugh about it in the morning with my friends'
as far as being intimidated by grades and whatnot, there's a lot more to success than just grades, including your social life, relationship with friends and what not. You can be the smartest /richest mother fucker in the world, but if you dont have friends to have fun, who cares? And a B is plenty fine... do your best, but do it within reason. Dont beat yourself up over some lame grade.
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Hawk: I'm not against drinking while socializing, as that is something enjoyable, but even in that context, to depend on alcohol at all is going to make you weaker, not stronger. The key is dependence. If you drink to enjoy drinking (and only do so in moderation, at most), that's fine. If you drink so you can be numb enough to do things you otherwise wouldn't be able to do, that is problematic.
GreatBEyond: What needs to happen, with regard to nervousness and awkwardness, is practice. The key is to not avoid people. Don't feel like you have to have a deep conversation with every single person, but look people in the eye and say hello. If you are around people, chat with them a little bit. I usually try to make light of whatever situation I am in. I joke with people and tease them harmlessly. It's just an extension of my personality. So you need to kind of figure out your own way of doing things and practice that. Socializing is sort of like BW, in that practice makes it seem a lot easier and more natural.
You kind of learn to be comfortable with who you are, and so when a conversation turns out to be a dud, or if something goes awkwardly, you learn to attribute it to the chemistry or the situation itself, rather than to yourself. Getting to the point where you understand it and FEEL it takes time. In the meantime, try not to judge yourself so harshly. Teenagers feeling awkward in America is about the most normal thing there is. It gets better!
As to all this ambition you speak of, with regard to grades and performance and this competitiveness... that is something to work on a bit, I think. Grades really aren't important in the big scheme of things. Neither is wealth or status. What matters is that you know who you are and you learn to love yourself and your life. So many people get so wrapped up in competition over money or status that they never stop to realize that those things just don't really matter. To illustrate my point, consider how much time you devote to thinking about "great national heroes" such as Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Franklin, George Washington, and so on. How much time do you think about Einstein or J.S. Bach? There are so many extremely well accomplished people with so many high credentials and so much ability that you'll never even learn about, and even if you did, you would think "why should I care?" The fact is, the world doesn't care if you are a hero or not. No one really cares that you got a good grade (personally, I feel bad for the wasted time that goes into achieving high grades and going to "nice" schools.)
Figure out what matters to you and learn to see it as independent of what other people think or do. Be glad for the achievements of others, and be glad for your own unique qualities. No one will ever be as good at being you as you are.
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On November 19 2007 14:05 RtS)Night[Mare wrote:Show nested quote +On November 19 2007 12:47 Thegreatbeyond wrote:
and no I can't see a therapist because its a very stupid decision as my $$ will be taken away, its costly, while the therapist makes me dependant and all sorts of crap etc.seeing a psychologist is not really an option. then you suck and there's no point in trying to help you if you dont seek "professional" help. Yes therapist will charge, they have to make a living out of it. BUT he has the tools to help you. If you're too stupid not to see this, then gl. i would curse you further but there's no point.
Dude, please shut up. I fail to see how he sucks if he doesn't want to get prescribed an anti-depressant (trust me he most likely will).
He feels like shit now, be he won't always, besides the keys to success and happiness are inside yourself and it's true, no matter how corny it sounds.
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Thanks alot for the help guys, skyglow I sure will add you and anyone willing to listen. Yeah, so I have been doing really bad academically, and I have not reached any of my goals yet, because these fears have been keeping me and perhaps damaging my entire life. I can't take anti-depressents, because I'm not stupid enough to be dependant on drugs and go down that path. I have to do well academically because I'm in a life horrible sitaution right now, thats squeezing every day and every hour. The only choice I have is academics, but the academic/social system here is so warped, there are holes in it that I don't even know about that others somehow sqeeze through, holes that a normal student is not aware of. Take that, plus this fear-mouse-fight or flight personality of mine, and I'm stuck in the most hell-hole sitaution ever.
It seems i'm swimming in a deep ocean at night, and my boat has just sunk, and there's another boat thats slowly going away, it has a rope attached to it thats dissappearing fast. Its in my reach. I try to reach to for it, but it seems all the energy in me is drained as I paddle furiously to reach it, but it just dissappears while I'm washed away by the waves where I slowly drown.
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Drinking inorder to socialise? Go study engineering, thats all the nerds there can do. Nothing happens until there is talk of beer, it is quite sad really.
and to thegreatbeyond,fuck holes, fuck the system, just learn the knowledge itself. Read books etc do maths :D
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On November 19 2007 12:08 Thegreatbeyond wrote:
Its not funny guys, I get into this drive but I also fear competition sort of.
I can under stand why you "fear competition sort of." Its something I think we all strive for. To be the best. But one thing when it comes to competition is the losing part. It is the one thing for me that I fear more than death sometimes. Failing in something you work so hard for, its just a terrible feeling. Did I hit it on the nail or am i completely wrong?
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On November 21 2007 17:10 Dr.Kill-Joy wrote:Show nested quote +On November 19 2007 12:08 Thegreatbeyond wrote:
Its not funny guys, I get into this drive but I also fear competition sort of. I can under stand why you "fear competition sort of." Its something I think we all strive for. To be the best. But one thing when it comes to competition is the losing part. It is the one thing for me that I fear more than death sometimes. Failing in something you work so hard for, its just a terrible feeling. Did I hit it on the nail or am i completely wrong?
You did hit the nail, a part of it, but a big part nonetheless, I really appreciate it that you guys are trying to understand, for that I thank you.
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EPT
