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10,000th Post Blog - I Conquered My Depression

Blogs > plasmidghost
Post a Reply
plasmidghost
Profile Blog Joined April 2011
Belgium16168 Posts
August 20 2019 19:59 GMT
#1
I've had severe depression for as long as I remember. Looking back on some of my earliest memories, it is clear to me now that, even though I was just 4-5 years old, I was never happy and was, in fact, depressed. It permeated through every facet of my life. As it started when I was so young, it had become my normal, and I would only feel happiness in brief moments. It was also hard for me to form relationships, friends or otherwise, with people, due to what is most likely Asperger's or some other form of ASD, which greatly added to my depression.

High school was rough for a lot of reasons. Even though I somehow managed to gain dozens of friends (or at least people that were cool with me), I couldn't make things progress with any of them in terms of romance, which kept my self-esteem at a minuscule level. You know, typical teenage stuff, but trying to process these emotions was hard for me.

I went to college 2000 miles from home to study biomedical engineering and find a cure for the acute leukemia that killed KT_Violet, but quickly learned that I was not prepared in any way for college, since I could just breeze through my high school classes. My grades were shit, which caused my depression to get worse, and after just two months, I dropped out. Looking back on it now, it was for the best, as if I had stayed, I would be over $100,000 in debt with student loans. I went to a much cheaper college close to my parents' home and managed to grind my way through it and got my Bachelor's. The journey nearly ended multiple times.

My sophomore year of college, one of my friends from high school committed suicide. We had both dropped out of our first college around the same time and, even though I knew about what he was going through, I was too depressed to reach out. That decision to not reach out haunts me to this day, but I've finally forgiven myself for it and have learned to live with it.

After years of failure, I finally managed to get into a relationship with someone in November 2016. Looking back on it now, it is actually insane just how many red flags there were with her that I just didn't have the knowledge or experience to recognize. She would frequently spend my money, tell me that my friends and family were awful people, and insult and belittle me. If I ever told her that what she said was hurting me, she would insult me even more for getting upset. This, in combination with a sleep disorder that was progressively getting worse, caused me to try to commit suicide in September 2017. I ended up calling 911 and was put in a psychiatric hospital for a week. When I got out, I made the decision to break up with her, as nearly everyone at the hospital recommended it. So I tried to, and she said three things that I will never forget. One, that my friends were only my friends because they didn't have to put up with me on a daily basis, and two, that I was going to never find anyone that would love me. I am saving the third for later. Because of her statements, my depression spiraled out of the control and I withdrew from everyone outside of work, family, and her. I can count on one hand the number of my old friends I spoke to in 2018. It got so bad that I was literally incapable of feeling any emotions. Finally, in March of this year, we broke up and my life improved in every possible way. So, how did I finally conquer my depression that, while certainly made worse by my ex, has been one of the most prevalent things in my life? I'll provide some backstory on it. I know this is only going to apply to a very small part of the population, unfortunately. Time for the big reveal!

I am a transgender woman. I know it's not Pride month anymore, but fuck it, this is who I am.

Gender dysphoria is a motherfucker. Feeling like you are in the wrong body constantly is absolutely like hell on earth. It's even worse (at least, to me) when you've had these feelings for literally as long as you can remember, all the way back to early childhood, and don't have proper knowledge about what this awful, confusing feeling you feel all the time even is, especially when you find out that, much to your surprise, the vast majority of people don't pray to God every night to wake up as the opposite gender, which I did every night for three years, from the ages of 5-8. I didn't even know what being transgender was, or that it was even a thing, until 2012, I was 16. Once I found that out, even though I didn't know it at the time, my life changed forever.

Fast-forward back to 2017 after I got back from the hospital. The third thing my girlfriend said to me was that my friends would only support my transition because they were too scared of being called transphobic. This led me to repress any thoughts of me transitioning until March of this year. So, when I finally told her that I was going to transition, she broke up with me, thank God.

Last month, I started hormone replacement therapy (HRT). These pills are literally magic. For the first time in my life, I'm actually extremely happy, genuinely happy, nearly all the time. There isn't a day that goes by where I'm not in a perpetually good mood and I even sometimes get overwhelmed with just how real this is now, but in a good way. My friends say that I'm smiling nearly all the time, that my eyes shine brighter, and that I have a glow about me now. I'm extremely optimistic about my future now, also for the first time in my life.

I've finally reached the light at the end of the tunnel. It may have taken 23 years, but it's made me into the person I am today, and I wouldn't trade it for anything.

So, allow me to introduce myself, properly this time. I am Kira, and it's a pleasure to meet you all as the real me. My name is not a reference to Death Note, I actually picked it out in early 2003 when I heard it mentioned somewhere and thought it was especially beautiful.
[image loading]
Yugoslavia will always live on in my heart
TheEmulator
Profile Blog Joined July 2010
28087 Posts
August 20 2019 22:35 GMT
#2
It's good to hear that you are figuring everything out. I am honestly not that informed on the process of transitioning, although I can imagine it's equally difficult and rewarding.

Personally I figured out the root of my depression a few years ago, and it's definitely the most important step toward everything getting better. I wish nothing but the best of luck to you going forward.
Administrator
rabidch
Profile Joined January 2010
United States20289 Posts
Last Edited: 2019-08-21 07:52:13
August 21 2019 07:40 GMT
#3
great blog

i have a coworker who has transitioned and shes gone through hell (family disowned her) but is happier now

LiquidDota StaffOnly a true king can play the King.
Maverick_2009
Profile Joined December 2014
Somewhere2002 Posts
Last Edited: 2019-08-21 14:10:14
August 21 2019 14:08 GMT
#4
I've had a few very close friends that are trans and a distant cousin as well and I can only say I'm happy for you for being able to come out feeling strongly and confidently about it. These friends of mine are all happier in the process of transitioning and while they might be close friends, I admit that I don't know much about the process or indeed what it's like to have gender dysphoria at all.

It's really encouraging to see people able to overcome depression and it gives me some hope in my own case so thanks for this blog and I hope things continue on this upward trajectory for you, Kira.
https://www.twitch.tv/deso_739
Fleetfeet
Profile Blog Joined May 2014
Canada2548 Posts
August 21 2019 19:32 GMT
#5
Go Kira! Gratz on finding a you you want to be - and when someone gives you a hard time know that you're not alone, and there are people that believe in and support you
evanthebouncy!
Profile Blog Joined June 2006
United States12796 Posts
August 21 2019 19:55 GMT
#6
wecome to the 10k club
Life is run, it is dance, it is fast, passionate and BAM!, you dance and sing and booze while you can for now is the time and time is mine. Smile and laugh when still can for now is the time and soon you die!
plasmidghost
Profile Blog Joined April 2011
Belgium16168 Posts
August 22 2019 04:16 GMT
#7
On August 21 2019 16:40 rabidch wrote:
great blog

i have a coworker who has transitioned and shes gone through hell (family disowned her) but is happier now


I am worried about that happening with my family. I told them in March and they haven't brought it up since then, but I plan on telling them by the end of the year. But, if they don't accept me, I have a ton of friends now, so I have a great support system!

Thank you all for the support, it does mean a ton to me! It was because of TL that I first even heard about trans people
Yugoslavia will always live on in my heart
sunrazgriz
Profile Joined April 2015
Vatican City State1573 Posts
August 23 2019 01:46 GMT
#8
hey Kira, that is very nice of you to share
i encountered stress and depression back in 2012 to 2013 and dota is my way to cope. right now i mostly play apex legends.

Congrats to you for finding who you really are.
6nnn
EvilTeletubby
Profile Blog Joined January 2004
Baltimore, USA22253 Posts
August 23 2019 20:05 GMT
#9
Congrats! Be happy with who you are no matter what.
Moderatorhttp://carbonleaf.yuku.com/topic/408/t/So-I-proposed-at-a-Carbon-Leaf-concert.html ***** RIP Geoff
Dracolich70
Profile Joined May 2011
Denmark3820 Posts
Last Edited: 2019-08-24 00:33:40
August 24 2019 00:26 GMT
#10
Was a great pleasure reading it, and you showed immense bravery in doing so. Wish you all the best, henceforth. Glad you got out of that toxic relationship, and doing your healing process, while transforming both mentally and metaphorically into a beautiful butterfly, spreading your wings of happiness and love.
LiangHao
Slomo
Profile Joined November 2010
Germany7198 Posts
August 24 2019 09:29 GMT
#11
I can't imagine the stress you went trough and probably never will. But you kicked depressions ass and made a huge change in your life. This takes serious mental fortitude and I wish you the very best! Stay strong!
RIP DOUBLE TI OG | #18 never forget
FiWiFaKi
Profile Blog Joined February 2009
Canada9858 Posts
August 26 2019 05:04 GMT
#12
Nice read, nice 10,000 post.

I enjoy reading perspectives that I don't get to see much of in my everyday life, helps me understand problems of different people better. I've seen your posts on TL for a long time, I hope for your continued happiness Kira
In life, the journey is more satisfying than the destination. || .::Entrepreneurship::. Living a few years of your life like most people won't, so that you can spend the rest of your life like most people can't || Mechanical Engineering & Economics Major
goody153
Profile Blog Joined April 2013
44114 Posts
September 11 2019 13:00 GMT
#13
Happy 10K ! Also happy to hear you are doing better in life
this is a quote
plasmidghost
Profile Blog Joined April 2011
Belgium16168 Posts
September 19 2019 22:50 GMT
#14
Thank you all for your kind words! Actually forgot I posted this until I went to read Aui's blog lol
Yugoslavia will always live on in my heart
PoulsenB
Profile Joined June 2011
Poland7711 Posts
October 23 2019 08:49 GMT
#15
Late to the party, but let me say I'm happy for you, keep smiling!
IdrA fan forever <3 || the clueless one || Marci must be protected at all costs
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