On June 15 2019 10:52 blade55555 wrote:Show nested quote +On June 14 2019 16:09 Falling wrote:That competition for attention always causes problems. When you're close to people and dating them, it's going to bother you when you want to spend time with someone else, but you're second to a different person and don't get to spend the time or closeness you desire. You'd basically have to be perfectly matching everyone's desired closeness and intimacy perfectly, which just isn't realistic.
I'm pretty involved with open relationships and such things, and I've never, ever heard of this working for a long time (let's say 10+ years) and being low drama. I've met a few cases where couples are still "together", but one or both parties are consistently unhappy and very high drama. Wait. I'm confused. Isn't this evidence that open relationships don't really work- contrary to your position? Because that second paragraph is exactly what I would predict. I'm sure polys can run the experiment, but I wouldn't at all be surprised if my hypothesis would be proved correct that it is an inherently unstable relationship because of the following premise: humans are, by nature, jealous. I've heard enough stories where a couple might think they can handle an open relationship- but one partner is far more successful at getting additional action, leading the less successful one to resent the whole thing. Or alternatively, where the couple is supposed to sign off on each others extra-marital partners, but where, let's say the wife, gets her action, but refuses to sign off on anyone for her husband because none of them are 'good enough for him'. Y'all can run the experiment for yourselves, but I predict once you introduce that third wheel (or fourth or fifth), the relationship is a ticking time bomb (unless one of the partners is a pushover and instead lives in resentment). Yeah it really is a ticking time bomb. My brother was hooking up with a married chick and her husband knew about it and didn't do anything about it. But as you would expect, he hates my brother and it caused a lot of friction in their marriage. He stopped seeing her but they still talk from time to time and they don't really talk anymore due to it. Doubt that marriage will last much longer. I guarantee that for every one relationship you find that this works fine, thousands (probably more) don't. Most humans can't handle it.
Your example doesn't make sense.
If reading right, husband's wife was CHEATING with your brother. Of course he is going to be pissed off in that context. If it was an open relationship that line would read "her husband knew about it and didn't give a fuck". This all sounds like a failed monogamous relationship, not an open one. Obviously, if one partner massively resents the "open" aspect, it's not a mutual relationship and is in a terrible position to begin with.
Again, it's not a ticking time bomb if you do it right, and are the right kind of person suited for such a relationship. Open relationships are NOT for everyone. Hell, monogamy also is NOT for everyone. Different people are suited to different things.
Now, let me ask you this. What do you think an "open relationship" is? Depending on your answer, I might buy or accept your 1 in thousands statement. If, by open relationship, you mean one pair bonded emotional relationship with occasional other FBs on a purely sexual level, then you need to ask yourself "what evidence do I have for this belief". Likely, you don't have many. I have a great deal of experience and anecdotal evidence, and would place this number somewhere between 1 in 10 and 1 in 40. I know lots of couples and marriages that have been open and low drama for 10+ years.
Done right, this relationship works fine, similar in success to mongamous relationships (I believe around 1 in 8 or 1 in 10 work and lead to marriage, and then another 25%-65% of those also fail) so monogamy is like a 1 in 20 to perhaps 1 in 50 success rate. This is similar to what I see for open relationships that last to successful, low drama open marriages.
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On June 14 2019 23:06 L_Master wrote:Show nested quote +On June 14 2019 19:28 Djzapz wrote:
We seem to assume here that the longevity of a relationship is an indicator of its quality, and a corollary to that assumption is that polyamorous relationships don't last and therefore it's a lesser experience for people who have that kind of sexual practice.
Isn't the assumption flawed in the first place? There are a lot of people who prefer non-commital relationships, polyamorous or not. Some people prefer short and sweet and they enjoy life better with partner sexual partners that come and go, no pun intended. I do like your thinking, but I think most people generally prefer or express to prefer a deep pair bonded relationship. For those that don't, that's perfectly fine in my mind if you're honest and upfront, but I think most people are looking for that deep relationship as well. But the key point is that open relationship are 100% compatible with longevity and stability.
I do agree that open relationships are compatible with longevity and stability but I'm saying that longevity and stability are not even standards for quality in the mind of a lot of people. Hell there are a lot of monogamous people who are afraid of commitment (or simply dislike commitment for whatever reasons they may have) and prefer to go from one conquest to another.
So OP and a few others in this thread make the assumption that because X relationships may have less longetivity and stability, they are lesser relationships according to standards that are set by themselves, rather than the participants of that relationship.
Tldr: We don't get to determine what's important in someone else's relationship.
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EPT
