EPTThe next challenges in my life are moutains. Moutains I was never trained to climb, moutains that will take years for me to climb.
Hell the preparation for the climbs will already take me several years, and I'm yet to start.
I don't think I can climb the moutains with preparation what so ever, sometimes I know I don't want want to climb, I just want to be at the top.
I'm afraid of climbing and falling, I'm afraid of reaching the top and being still miserable.
What I'm most afraid, is that the top isn't even that nice, surely the view sucks, and surely I'll be too old to appreciate it. I'll never have the view I like, won't be blue enough, won't be read enough, won't be that nice purple I've come to fantasise about.
I'm just so tired of watching the bottom of the moutain, but any time I try to climb, I try too fast, and expect to be on the top right away, so I miserably slide back a couple inches from where I thought I was.
This long shitty metaphor is about my love life, being single gets old after some years, especially in my country, especially with no actions what so ever.
I'm not one of those "single" dating left and right, hooking up, that has had a couple long term thing, that has lots of friends, that focus on other things in life.
I'm the pathetic kind, the very inexperienced one, if losing it after a certain age is being a late bloomer, let's say that I'm still a seed, but at this point I'm starting to wonder if I'm not just a rock.
The dirt has started to suffocate me, I never see the light, I don't get any water, I was put into the ground like everybody else, but for some reason I can't seem to grasp at anything, I can't seem to devellop.
I know I would be a shitty plant, but I don't get to be a plant at all, not even a stomped one.
It is hard to wish for some misery, but sometimes I get delusionnal like this and hope for some of it anyway, some of those breakups, some of those lack of performance, I know this is silly, because little seed me couldn't handle any of that. Probably why I don't get to have it in the first place.
I know the issues, I'm not sure how to fix all of them, and being stupid I don't get why I should fix all those things first.
I lie to myself, pretend like having a connection would start me on the road of improvement, but I know full well I'll just get complacent, I want the result without the work, I pretend I want to put the work once I get a bit of result, but I wouldn't even do that.
I'm one of those pathetic loser posting online about their silly single life, the reject from society, at least ours, I've heard about some places in Asia where men get it even harsher, some have no answer, mathematically speaking they don't even have a chance.
I feel weirded out by people having things I never had or will never have (or looks like I won't never have it). Like very rich people, people with a wonderful body, people with a partner.
I got weirded out recently by a guy putting his hand on a stranger girl (to him) ass, I got weirded out by a girl doing the same to her boyfriend, I got weirded out by hearing my roomate having sex, I'm at that stage now.
I don't drive, I got sometimes weirded out of the blue by people driving.
I'm a mess.
I have so many redflags to fix before even thinking of dating, I tried anyway because I stupidly thought that online people wouldn't know about them right away, no luck there, not at all.
And I hear about all those people going on so many dates, being in relationships for so long, and then it doesn't work out.
I'm not even on the stage of getting replies from girls, how many rejection until I get to fuck up my first date, then fuck up my first relationship.
The climb isn't done in one go, and I have posponed my first tries for so long, I'm so unprepared, I've started to develops conditions preventing me from ever climbing, not permanent conditions, but they need to be fixed.
I have a weak nature, I have some unknown allergies, weak back, stomach gets upset quite easily, gets drunk quite fast and don't hold my liquor, hell even caffeine has a huge impact on me. I'm talking caffeine after two or three cups of TEA, I'm talking about two cups of coffee triggering me some kind of weird high and energy for a long time, and making me jiterry and sometimes upsetting my stomach.
I have anxiety, that is my body and mind not being able to handle normal things, not big one, just normal one. I'm literally a wuss.
Based on that you can imagine the disaster that a regular love life with its ups and down would be.
I've become obsessed with being slightly intimate with a girl, I think about it every night, and every other morning.
I know I should go see a prostitute.
I know I should lift.
If it was that easy, I certainly wouldn't be in that state to begin with.
I have been a bystander for far too long, and now the train has left the station. I always thought I would catch the next one, and I only tried to get on some of them, and now I'm left without the guts to try and get on another one, and no one is inviting me on any.
It's okay to be obsessed when you are a teenager, or weirded out, or too much into innuendo and sexual jokes, but in your late twenties that gets awkward.
I'm thankful to god, I don't have any illegal attraction, I'm pretty vanilla and into girls my age or older only. I couldn't imagine being into something unreachable... do you see all that hope emanating from my post, "unreachable", as if my tastes weren't too high standards.
I need to lose the weight, I need to gain some muscles, I'll still be short, but that would be a start.
I need a hobby.
I need to start talking to people.
I need to make friends.
I need to finish my studies and get a real job.
I need to develop a sense of conversation.
I need to stop obsessing over my one itis.
I need to stop falling in love with any girl smiling at me and being polite.
I need to buy fitting clothes.
I need to learn how to cook.
I need to overcome my driving phobia.
I need to get out of my comfort zone.
I need to stop whining.
I need to start taking care of my skin.
I need to get a real haircut more often.
I need to buy some cologne.
I need to get into moderation, drinking, eating, masturbating.
I need to start asking more girls out, but not in weird situations.
I need to learn how to read social cues and signals.
I need to stop the negative thinking.
I need to start talking to my shrink, because we are not getting anywhere.
I need to reconnect with my siblings.
I need to reconnect with my far away family.
I need to enjoy life.
I need to stop writing shitty poetry and shitty blogs, and ranting so much about my life, it's quite good, full of opportunities, I need to stop pestering people online.
I need to mind my own business more, everytime somethinc catches my eyes, something unusual happens, some noises or what I need to look, I need to stop and eaves drop, I can't stop asking personnal questons to people, I can't stop and suggest stupid alternatives and solution, I can't stop being indecisive, I can't stop thinking white then black in an endless cycle, I can't stop to say that "I don't know", I can't stop avoiding people, I can't stop the staircase wit, I can't stoptelling random shit to people.
I need to stop thinking about the top of the moutain, and start on the preparatio first.
I need some discipline and will to pursue my life.
Right now I'm one those guys, girls rather be single than being with me.
And I wouldn't go out with me either, I have nothing to offer, not physically, not mentally, nor financially, nor sexually, I have literally nothing to put on the table.
Worse than that, I would be a burden, a curse, a negative result rather than a simple zero.
There is only one woman who loves me in this world, my depressed, bipolar, schizophrenic, going into dementia mother.
I don't even like myself, why would anyone like me.
I need to stop isolating.
Will I ever dance, I don't think so, is it social anxiety, is it just me being awkward and shameful...
I don't know what I truly need to get start, and keep on persevering, but I need it sooner rather than later.
Truth is, I don't even want to try, I want the cake, I don't want to bake it, I don't want to spend a dime I don't have on it.
In the end I won't have anything, I also want a good cake, I'm a starving beggar with standards, I'll die of starvation.
Therapeutic rant over, I won't follow any of your advice if you haven't understood that already, I need helpt but won't get any and won't help myself, I like my misery, self fufilling prophecy are always so satisfying...
I'm not a climber, the mountain is too big, and first I need to climb out of this hole I'm been digging for myself.
