EPTStarcraft is a men's domain and a girl could never understand or even comprehend the fullness of this beautiful game.
Or so I thought.
Good morning, good evening, and good night fellow TL.net humans! My name is imaprobe and I'm a 21 year old college girl student who has just gotten into SC2. The first exposure I had to the Starcraft world was watching my boyfriend play it on his computer once. Looking at his screen, I felt mostly disinterest and a tad bit intimidated by the rapidly changing visuals, intense clicking (APM APM APM!!), and flying fingers all across the keyboard. He was a grandmaster zerg player and streamer at the time, making some money from Twitch and SCBW tournaments as a 13 year old.
But this post isn't about my boyfriend - though, he is involved in it -, it's about the hardest days of my life, the pain, the hurt, and how Starcraft - oh how beautiful and wondrous it is - saved me. God also played a major part too and thus, disclaimer for mentions of religion ahead!
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Because I'm a selfish, self-centered, and controlling lady, a relationship is bound to have some problems. But how could I have known what was coming for me? All that depression, the pain, and the unending suicidal thoughts; I wonder if I would have acted differently if I knew.
In my eyes, everything was perfect and as stressful as life could get, I'd never be rock bottom.
But of course I would have to be proven wrong.
As always.
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I first met my boyfriend when one of my church friends brought him to a Youth Group game night, and for convenience sake I'll name him Tom.
Tom was a freshman in high school who was an avid player of League of Legends. He had moved on from SCBW for various reasons and went on to become a challenger player in LoL. I, being a silver-noob-thirsty-for-rank-e-girl (sarcasm btw) (I think..), friend-ed him in League and thus the two of us spiraled into an online relationship. Tom had clinical depression, OCD, and slight schizophrenia at the time, and I was a healthy girl looking to fix this guy! (Hope you know sarcasm.)
But no, I genuinely found him interesting and respected him for being really good at a game. We were friends, talking about various things - mostly he talked about himself (as he was a self-declared narcissist at the time), his depression, suicidal thoughts, and his fetishes. Since you guys want to know so badly, his perfect sexual partner would be an extremely skinny girl with pigtails, wearing striped and tight clothing, donning on heavy makeup and is a psychopath. Oh wait, I forgot to mention, she should be dead too. You know, the whole necrophilia thing.
I didn't find his thoughts or his conditions distasteful or bad. I saw him as a friend that was interesting and who I wanted to help in any way. Weirdly I would say it was love. He sounded educated, mature, and his thoughts were well organized and conveyed. Tom didn't type like a 14 year old. He seemed so mature.
We soon got into a relationship and started meeting in person to go eat Indian food together (our fav) or walk in a bike trail. Both of us seemed to be obsessed with each other, constantly texting on messenger and skyping 24/7. We'd truly enjoy each other's presence, thoughts, and opinions.
Fast forward 3 years and we're attending the same college together. We (aka I) decided to get an apartment near the school together and everything seemed to work out perfectly.
One thing I should mention, the dynamic of our relationship was that I was the one wearing the pants. I was the dominant one who always made the decisions and initiated everything. Whether it be ordering at the restaurant or going through the door first or choosing how we should spend time together, I always was in control. And at the time, I thought that's what we both wanted. It was how I naturally was - to lead, and it was how he naturally was - to follow. Tom would constantly tell me how he needed someone to make all the decisions, to give him direction and be someone he could follow. We both felt so lucky and grateful, thinking we met the person who was perfect for us. We talked about how we both want to get married to each other.
At the time that is.
So, we were 6 months into living together. The only stress I got was from school and the pressure to do well from my parents and myself. I never even had an ounce of worry or stress from our relationship. Then one day I realized we never slept together (at the same time) anymore. He would always stay up to play League with his best friend and friends. One day I realized he didn't talk to me anymore, didn't hug me anymore, didn't give me kisses anymore, didn't do anything with me anymore. One day I realized he seemed so far away from me, even though he was the closest to me than he ever was.
I did what most people would do, I went over to him and said I wanted to talk.
"Lets talk."
Two words I'm sure boyfriends never really want to hear.
I told him about how I felt, that I felt he seemed so distant and I pointed out all things we were doing - which was nothing. There was nothing that connected us together, no interaction at all. He told me he didn't even realize it and asked me what he should do to make the situation better. At the time I should have known that something was off. If two people in a relationship have no interaction whatsoever, and one person says he didn't realize it while the other did, that to me points to either miscommunication or a problem buried deep, deep, inside that was hidden for a long time. Naively I thought it was miscommunication and told him, "Maybe we could spend more time together? I want to talk to you and be with you."
His reply to me was, "What do you want us to do?"
I felt slightly put-off and answered, "I thought it'd be nice if we could talk more."
"Talk about what?"
What? I don't understand why he's asking me this.
"Uhh...I don't know? Anything, I guess. I mean, we could talk about each other and ask each other questions to know more about the other and what not..."
"I already know everything about you, and you already know everything about me, so I don't know what to ask you."
The conversation went awkward and disappointing. I couldn't understand why he couldn't think of a single question to ask that could create a conversation. I never thought that I knew everything about him, and I didn't think he knew everything about me. We only knew each other for 3 years and he barely knew about my past. There were still a lot of things I wanted to know about him, and with each passing day, I thought there would always be questions we could ask each other. How was your day, maybe. Anything interesting happened in class, perhaps. But Tom was telling me he couldn't think of any questions to ask me and had no desire to do so because of it.
We ended the conversation with concluding that we should try to spend more time together - maybe by playing League or walking my dog together. Even though it should have made me feel better about us, somehow I started to get more anxious and frightened that something was very very wrong.
A few days passed and the feeling of nervousness didn't subside in me. I actually felt increasing amounts of confusion and the worry that was clouding over me felt foreign and frightening. Little did I know I'd be catapulted into the most emotional pain and hurt I'd ever feel in a long time.
It was New Years' and Tom had work until 11pm. I was waiting at home for him so that I could wish him Happy New Years', feeling grateful about our relationship and him, and to just celebrate the dawn of a new year together. But at around 11:03pm, I got a text from him saying that one of his friends came to pick him up to go to a New Years party together. He asked me if he could go. I felt disappointed and slightly sad that he didn't want to spend it with me, and I thought that it would be good for us if we did. I replied asking if he really had to go and he texted me back saying, "I really want to go." Who was I to stop him? I told him to go ahead and to have fun.
Tom came back hours and hours later. The next day I asked him about it and who was there. He mentioned a girl. That girl was his first major lust and love. He had been obsessed with her from middle school to high school and he saw her as the most attractive girl he'd ever seen. They had ended when Tom and I started dating and Tom said they weren't on speaking terms anymore, that he had no connections with her whatsoever, and no lingering thoughts for her anymore. And of course ya'll know where this is going.
Tom told me he didn't speak to her at all that New Years day. And I trusted him. He started to go out with his friends more frequently (which he never did before) and even expressed intense sadness that he wasn't invited to one of the outings. Before, Tom always talked to me how his friends were of no value, that they were there for connections and homework and some kind of entertainment, and that he could drop them without a single bat of an eye. But now it seemed like they were everything to him, and he seemed to want to spend more and more time with them, while here I am, watching the emptiness of our own relationship and how there was no passion or desire in him to spend time together with me.
Fast forward a few days and I found out that he talked to the girl. He had asked her whether she would want to date him. He had always been insecure about her and thought that never in a million years would she want to date someone like him. But now he seemed to have gained some sort of motivation to ask her, and he did. She replied, "I live in California, and you live in New York." And that was that.
When I found out, he also told me about how he might have lingering feelings for her, that he never truly got over her, and that he asked her because he expected her to say a definite "no" - which would help him have closure and move on. He told me that he still loved me but he felt unhappy with our relationship.
I felt the most blindsided and betrayed in my 21 years of living. I thought we were solid. I thought we would always be together. I thought he was the solid rock I could always lean on. But there I was, hearing that he had asked another girl out and might "still have feelings for her". Words can't describe how hurt I felt at that moment. Tom had never said a word to me about feeling unhappy and had never said a word to me about his growing problem with our relationship. I used to think we had the best communication. He thought so too. But that was all baloney.
Turns out the problem was that he was basically living like a slave, and I was the one holding the whip. Tom told me he was getting to the brink of tolerating me and my antics. There were so many things that maybe I should make you guys a list. Tom did the dishes, he did the laundry, he took my dog out everyday, he got me water when I wanted, he brought me my charger when I told him to; he did absolutely every single thing I asked when I felt like it. Not only that, but I made fun of his friends and talked about how much I disliked them because of this and that. I would complain all day and be selfish and lazy. I would control him in everything, to the point where he was scared to do what he wanted to do because of what I might do to him.
When he told me all these things, he made sure to say that he still loved me and that he cared for me; that he wanted for us to work. I took in everything he said, and I understood it.
I guess I never really believed in life changing moments. But right then and there, when the love of my life was laying down all my flaws and all the things he was tolerating from me and hated about me, I felt a sudden, huge wave of shame, guilt, and hatred for my own self. With all those feelings brewing in me, I went to bed. I prayed to God that night, something I hadn't done in a long time. I asked Him for forgiveness and for help. And when the morning came, I felt the want - no, the need, to make sure I was doing everything I could to make Tom happy, to make sure that I was being a loving person.
In Christianity, followers are called to love God and to love one another. After my prayer to Him, I realized I had trampled on that calling my whole life. I had never loved. Never truly loved. A bible verse came into my mind and I revisited it at that time.
1 Corinthians 13:4-8, 13 "Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love."
I used to see this verse all the time, on bookmarks, websites, and on bible pamphlets. In the back of my mind, I always thought the verses were cliche and overused, that it was something so simple and cheesy.
But looking at it at that time, I felt the words resonate with me in a way nothing ever did. Of how wrong I was, how arrogant, how selfish, and how I was the most self-centered human being to walk the earth. And I called myself a Christian.
From that day I felt God had changed my heart completely. In the past I never believed that something like this could happen, but I had been changed - from the inside out.
I began to want to do everything that Tom had once tolerated doing. I did all the dishes, the laundry, woke up early to take my dog out, cleaned the apartment, cooked food, bought the groceries, drove Tom to school, and everything else. And the most unbelievable thing was that I loved doing it, and I wanted to. It was like I could split time into two. Time of the past me, and time of the new me. I felt reborn and transformed into a whole new person - a person that would do things that pleased God.
Tom seemed to be amazed and so very surprised. He watched me in confusion and slight wariness (he thought this was some joke) when it seemed like I was nothing like who I was before. Constantly he would come up to me and ask me if I was alright (maybe I had brain cancer), and why I was doing these things.
My reply to him was that I loved him and I loved God.
Tom began to open up to be slightly, but he still continued to spend his time with his friends and on League with them. And then, I remembered something he said months ago. He told me that he would love it if he could teach me Starcraft. At that time, me being the selfish and uncaring person I was, just laughed it off and told him Starcraft looked stupid and I would never want to play it.
Thinking about that interaction, it made me so disgusted with myself that I didn't even try to play it for him. Even if I didn't feel like I would enjoy the game, Starcraft was Tom's passion and love. It was a game he absolutely was devoted to, respected, and cherished. Could I not have mustered up the tiniest bit of love and care to try it out?
So I went up to him and asked him, "If you're still interested, I would really want to try learning Starcraft 2. Only if you want to, no pressure, really."
For the first time in months Tom's face lit up so brightly, and with an exuberant passion he lept up and told me of course he'd love to teach me, "are you kidding how is that even a question?!"
And thus began the journey of a girl playing SC2 for the first time.
I have always enjoyed gaming from young, but it had been one game I stuck to for long periods of time. Now that I think about it, I only stuck long years with two games. Crazy Arcade for 5 years and League for 5 years (and ongoing). I had been obsessed with League and had the thirst to reach Diamond - which I eventually did.
I would have to say, Starcraft 2, is a whole new different level.
I have never experienced a game that left me so confused, so amazed at its complexity, and so overwhelmed at how vast the skill level needed was. Starcraft was so very new and different from the League I was used to.
I chose to play Protoss as my first race, as the cute probes were so adorable looking and their voices seemed to say "Now what?" in the most squishiest way (if that's even a way to describe a voice). The game was so confusing and I had no clue on what to do for days.
But Tom was a great teacher and soon I got hooked on cannon rushing all day. He told me the importance of making my gateways upgraded to warp in units, but I, in no way shape or form, could handle so many things at one time (aka making a probe and trying to build a unit lmao). As a beginner, I'd always have a few thousand minerals and gas unspent and would only have about 2 expansions and one zealot or so by like 10 minutes? Not sure, but I was really really bad.
I played SC2 with Tom every day and he seemed to really enjoy teaching me. Coaching people on games he loves is a passion that I knew Tom had and I was able to experience it first hand.
I could feel myself getting happier that Tom and I were spending more time together and that we both were actually enjoying ourselves immensely. But that was when my mental train went completely off rails, crashed and burned with all the passengers inside - chaos and fire ensuing.
I found out that Tom had been lying to me about something I was holding onto as hope. Something he told me and reassured me. Something he told me to ease the pain of telling me all the things he hated about me.
Tom had told me he still loved me. But he didn't.
He didn't love me at all, and he was wishing that everything would stay the same, except for me. He wanted the apartment and the help for school (I have a lot of past exams and my own notes for classes that I pass down onto him, which helps him a lot) but the one thing he desperately and so fervently wished was changed, was me. He wanted a replacement. He wanted his first lust and love, or any other girl that would make him 100% happy.
When I found out about everything, that's when I had the most painful night of my life. I don't think I could remember a time that I cried so hard and so much. A time when I felt so extremely depressed and devastated. A time when I actually, truly thought about committing suicide.
I guess it might sound silly to some people. So what if your boyfriend doesn't love you? You could always find a new one or you could try to make the relationship work.
I don't know why I had felt that way. That I felt my heart was squeezed so tightly I couldn't breathe or speak. That the only thing I could do was cry and wheeze with tears streaming down my eyes, thinking, why me, why us.
That night was a night I never want to relive or go back to. The pain and hurt I felt was real to me, and even though it might seem dramatic or overtly emotional of me to feel that way, I don't know. It was just what it was. Someone I loved with all my heart and being told me he didn't love me anymore. That was the most pain I've ever felt.
While contemplating suicide, my younger sister talked me out of it. I'm forever grateful to her for supporting me and being there for me at my most vulnerable time. I went to sleep that night without even realizing I went to sleep. I think I was so tired from crying, with my head throbbing intensely from pain and my chest feeling like my heart was ripped out, that I just fell asleep without knowing it. I prayed a lot that night, with a desperation I've never felt before.
So when the new day came, I did the only two things I could. I prayed to God and played Starcraft 2.
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Two months passed.
And here we are now. I'm currently a Gold 2 protoss main who loves to cannon rush and 4 gate. In our 2v2, Tom and I are Diamond 3 right now and he's told me how proud of us he was. For our relationship, well, as wonky, unbelievable, and confusing as it might sound, it's actually the best it has ever been.
From New Years it's been almost 3 months, and Tom and I have fixed so many things in our relationship. We've gotten extremely close, more than before, and we have become, in our eyes, a completely new couple. Both of us learnt a lot of things about ourselves and about each other, and we changed - fixed a lot that was wrong with us as people and as partners to each other.
Today, I can confidently say we are at a place of love and respect, truly.
And I can even more confidently say that it was all due to God. And Starcraft 2.
So, long story short. This was about a girl who played Starcraft for the first time.
Thank you for reading my post. This is my first time in the TL forums and I wanted to share how this game really changed my life. I was in a vulnerable place this year with all that happened, and there's a lot more to the story that I didn't add as it would just turn out to be pages and pages worth of words. I wouldn't want to torture anyone lel.
I'm so very grateful that SC2 exists and I really sincerely and most fervently wish this game would continue on for a long, long time.
Thank you again.
LONG LIVE SC2!
