What's in a name?

"내 거시기가 꺼져 떨어지려고 생각합니다. 난 그냥 생선과 섹스를 했어요."
~ ancient Korean Proverb

Letter From The Editor
Begrüßung, miststück! Hello, family, friends, fans! Hi mom! It looks like the Mayans are liars. They told us the world would end on December 21st, 2012, and we're in 2013 right now. Literally. I even bought an underground bunker, and stockpiled stuffed animals, such as bunnies, teddy bears, squirrels, kitties, puppies, penguins, and lobsters. For drinks, I didn't buy water, because water tastes bad, so I stocked up on 500 gallons of Stolichnaya Vodka, made in the motherland itself. For food, I just planned to use a harpoon to hunt wolfs. As you may very know (I hope), wolf-meat gives you superhuman powers, such as the power to whistle really loud, and the power to tie really complicated knots.

So anyway, I'm really happy that you're reading this, and I think it's really cool. I worked pretty hard on this, so it's pretty nice. Yeah, thanks for reading this. It's good. I remember this one time, I was listening to Woody's Yoc-Influenced mixtape (before the government killed him, as he knew too much about that thing we're not supposed to talk about) while I was smoking a substantial amount of PCP, and I was watching The Wizard of Oz simultaneously, and it was really trippy, dude. Like, the movie synced up perfectly with what I was listening to and I realized that the Earth is like a grain of sand, and we're grains of sand on a grain of sand, then I blacked out and threw up all over my cat. The point of this story is that I hope you have a similar experience while reading this latest edition of Giggly Girl ESPORTS, although, you have to keep in mind, this edition is probably going to suck. Think about Spiderman 3. Think about the third Matrix movie. Think about Kill Bill Volume 3. They all were terrible, so considering that this is the third issue, it's probably not going to be up to snuff.

I can't guarantee to deliver cuddliness or cuteness, either. I just can't. You might as well just stop reading right now, because there's no point any more. I think we peaked in the last issue, and we can only go downhill from there, and our secretary, Helen, got really depressed and stayed in her apartment for 2 months, eating nothing but sherbert.

MondayMorningWarlock demanded the writing staff produce material, but they just shrugged sadly and informed us that they would have to copy jokes from popular television shows. Upon hearing this, I slammed my cup of coffee and said "Well shit! If you guys can't write anything useful, then in my Letter From The Editor intro, I am going to diss you all so bad. You are going to get roasted SO HARD. Your assholes will never be the same after this shit."
So, MaxTerran, you are a whiner and the reason you lose games isn't because of imbalance, it's because you suck at StarCraft. Lacuna eats cereal without milk, and that's retarded. McLemonadeStand, you disgust me; I don't know why, but your face is ugly. Luigikart, you smell bad. StOp[kOny], you are a disappointment to all of us, and should pay your ex-wife some damn child support. RapidRappingRabidRabbit, you need to clip your fingernails, because they are slightly too long for office policy to tolerate. Helen, you vindictive fucking piece of slutfuck, I would call you a whore, but that would be bringing you up to their level. You are below whores. You are below the excrement of sea creatures that live super-deep in the ocean. Everything about you is an obscene scream from the forces of nature that God made a mistake, and therefore, the universe should not even exist because you are so fucking disgusting that it might cause existence itself to cease, and I'm not even joking. Finally, Atlas[Mouse], you are fired, you piece of shit. Take your jars full of boogers and get out my building.


Club Penguin: The Next ESPORT?
by McLemonadeStand

There is a lot of speculation from unknown sources that the popular children's role-playing game, Club Penguin, may emerge as the next big ESPORT in the ESPORTS scene. Developed by Disney, and released in 2005, this high-octane MMORPG boasts an impressive depth to it's gameplay, twisting storyline, and mind-bending strategy. The game that declares "Waddle around and meet new friends" certainly is making many friends within the ESPORTS community, who see the competitive nature of Club Penguin as a potentially multi-trillion-dollar industry. Although the Teamliquid.net staff denies that TL.net may give Club Penguin it's own section and cover Club Penguin tournaments and events on the front page, we should never rule it out of the realm of possibility. Already, this game is vastly popular in the Commonwealth of Independent States and the Republic of Korea, with almost 19 billion players in each country respectively, the craze sweeping the globe may inevitably reign supreme in the ESPORTS market after replacing LoL, Dota2, and SC2 as the rulers of the universe. Many professional teams, such as Evil Geniuses and ROOT Gaming are already making the transition over to Club Penguin, with big names such as IdrA, HuK, Stephano, Taeja, and many more secretly practicing Club Penguin. When asked about Club Penguin, Greg 'IdrA' Fields just walked away from the microphone without even saying anything.


Infestors Are So Fucking Imbalanced
by MaxTerran

Playing Terran in SC2 is fucking disgusting. Zerg is just fucking disgusting. I'm not even sure what David Kim and Dustin Browder were thinking when they designed this game, but I'm pretty they were really, really high on meth and having a money fight (which is like a fucking snowball fight, but you throw money stacks at each other) and saying "How can we make this fucking game as fucking nooby as possible?" and then they fucking decided to fuck Terran over so fucking hard that I'm never going to be able to sit down properly again. Let explain what the holy flying fuck I'm talking about. First, you have this goddamn fucking bullshit Queen buff which makes Zergs not afraid to just go ahead and take five bases right away without worrying about, I dunno, fucking aggression. Then, they just fucking sit there for 15 minutes, get Infestors and kill your army, and there's not a fucking thing you can do about that shit. Fungal Growth just wrecks any prospect of you being able to do shit about anything and fuckin' infested terrans just blow everything up, and have a fucking huge area of effect that makes nukes look like firecrackers. That shit is so goddamn stupid, it's no wonder 99% of the players are Zerg now, and all the up-and-comers are fucking Zergs, fucking duh! Regardless of this fucking fucking fucking bullfuck cumstain asswipe shitnipple of a broken game, I'm going to continue playing, because I have too much dignity to quit in the face of Zerg bullshit. Patchzerg patchzerg patchzerg.

Editor note: If you read this and felt bad for MaxTerran, don't worry. About 20 minutes after writing this article, he went beserk and ran off and ended up in a local mall, where he met a beautiful girlfriend, and they have been going out for about three weeks now. He has not touched SC2 since.


Pictures of IdrA Smiling
by SmileCosmic










OMG CUDDLYSTARCRAFT REAVERS SO ADORABLE OMG <33333
by SmileCosmic
I know we've been promising cuddly reavers for a long time now, but I lied. Like most major corporations, I made a projection and reported it in advance, which I don't feel bad about, because if it's good enough for Enron (rmbr dat?), it's good enough for me. As a bonus, I am releasing a montage of cuddly StarCraftness. Enjoy this toe-curling adorableness.



iCCup Suddenly Goes Down Due to Spilled Coffee
by RapidRabidRappingRabbit

SIBERIA, RUSSIA - Somewhere out in the waist-high snow of the Siberian forests, the bold Russian Unk has returned to his wooden cabin, with a freshly-killed bear slumped over one shoulder, and a huge log for firewood over the other. He drops the bear onto the snow-covered ground, and removes his jacket. It is far too warm for a true Russian - a boiling -20°C - so he sweats, but it is a manly sweat. Unk unsheathes his pocket knife, and opens the bear's belly, reaches in, and pulls out a fresh bear heart, which he takes an enormous bite out of. Suddenly, a wolf appears, smelling the bear meat, the greedy wolf wants some of Unk's bear meat! Unk smiles and hurls his axe with insane accuracy, and it's blade strikes the wolf in the ribs, causing the wolf to run at full speed through the woods in retreat, with the axe still protruding from it's side.

Unk is a true Russian. Every morning, he drinks vodka and eats a bear. He has a picture of Vladimir Putin by his computer monitor, which always gives him inspiration and energy through the hard times. He brings many beautiful women to his cabin and has sex with them. However, despite his strength, which has helped to build the strongest nation on the globe, approximately last Thursday, he made a small mistake: he accidentally spilled his coffee into the iCCup servers, causing them to catch on fire, and one of them actually exploded. Unk looked at the servers, and commented on the situation by saying "Oops! Xexexe."

Meanwhile, millions of iCCup users instantly lost their accounts, and demanded answers. When asked why this situation had happened, Yelloant gave this statement: "Why not?"