(FYI, I am a straight asian guy in the mid-20s living in the US for a point of reference)
Over the past year, I've been flirting with the girls that I am attracted to and I have decided to stop doing it, starting today. This is not to say that I've learned much about the opposite sex and conversing with them. I have, and it has been pretty educational, such as observing the flow of the conversation, looking at body language, and noting certain key words and phrases that means yes or no. I have concluded that this just doesn't work for me.
In college, I did not flirt or try to date anyone due to a lack of confidence and being hung up on a crush. For me, life was pretty much the same as it is now, without flirting. I started to open up a bit more and tried talking to women. At first, I thought it was going well. People responded and we talked for a bit. However, I felt that none of them were going anywhere AKA being "friend-zoned". I know a couple of "asshole" friends that treat women in an "asshole" kind of way, so I tried their way for a bit. This really didn't work and made it worse.
I was getting frustrated and sought help from a friend who I will call M (haha), and who happens to be female. We're good friends, and I asked her for advice. I gave one of the responses from one of the girls I've been talking to and she told me to stop because she isn't interested. This was pretty heartbreaking and I realized that none of the people I've been talking to are interested in a romantic manner.
I thought to myself that I was doing something wrong. It is certainly possible, but I feel that this is unlikely because I used different approaches and talked to different people that I am attracted to and all of the outcomes were the same. Perhaps, it is something more inherent, like I'm just a bad person or I'm ugly. If those were the case, then it isn't my fault. (I doubt either of this because M said no and I trust her).
It is clear to me that I should stop flirting. I have gained nothing from it, nor do I have any motivation to do so now. Getting rejected isn't fun and for someone who has depression-anxiety issues, this is pretty bad. I reason that women will treat me the same whether I talk to them or not and I learned that this isn't simply a matter of just doing something and it will work out in the end. If flirting with people makes me constantly unhappy about myself, then I will stop doing it in order to BE happy about myself.
Hope you guys have better luck than me, and don't get hung up on any exes or crushes for long periods of time because that can get very painful.
The only way to get better is to keep trying! There's no use in "declaring" that you're no longer going to flirt, as if you need to take a stand for or against pursuing future relationships.
There is a difference between flirting on purpose and following the natural behavior. If you really like someone, chances are that you're flirting already, in your own way.
There is no such thing as to flirt or not to, if you flirt just for the sake of it you'll probably end up being annoying. You shouldn't be using strategies to "flirt better", just be yourself - always.
On May 18 2016 11:20 DarkPlasmaBall wrote: The only way to get better is to keep trying! There's no use in "declaring" that you're no longer going to flirt, as if you need to take a stand for or against pursuing future relationships.
Alright time to give some advice... Not that i am the best with girls but i do feel like your general approach is wrong here.
Flirting seems to be stressful four you and it really shouldn't be. The main thing you should focus on when talking to a reasonably attractive girl (or boy) is: 'Do I actually like her?' But instead most people and i guess that includes you focus on 'How do I get her to like me?' and then dating and flirting becomes that painfull, stressfull, test-like activity that you actually try to avoid.
Fix that. Don't stop talking to girls because life becomes boring really quickly when you ignore 50% of earths population but stop trying to focus on her feelings and her attitude towards you. Figure out what kind of girls you actually like and then the rest will go easy. You don't have to pass her test, she has to pass yours.
You're not really flirting unless you're genuinely enjoying yourself. It's obvious (and not particularly flattering) when people try to force a certain type of behavior.
On May 18 2016 11:12 midnight999 wrote: I thought to myself that I was doing something wrong. It is certainly possible, but I feel that this is unlikely because I used different approaches and talked to different people that I am attracted to and all of the outcomes were the same.
women care about 3 things
1) self esteem, 2) productivity, long term income, and money, 3) physical fitness.
increase these 3 and women will magically begin responding to your flirting and may also initiate flirtatious episodes with you
i'll examine #3 in detail. at 17 i was 6 feet tall and 145 lbs and it was obvious women were not physically attracted to my body although most felt i was "decent looking". I had 1 decent looking gf during my entire time from age 13 to 19 that i seriously wanted a girl/woman. At 19 i decided to do something about it. I adopted the 5X5 Strong Lifts work out and made sure my diet was good. I gained 20 lbs of muscle in 6 years and remain at 165 lbs. Now , females will occasionally initiate flirtatious episodes with me via comments like "James always keeps himself in such good shape". This never happened when i weighed 145 lbs. Its far easier to "flirt" when the female initiates it.
#1 and #2 are also important but i'm too lazy to cover those. #1 is particularly complex.
since age 19 #1, #2, and #3 have gone way up... and magically somehow... my flirting skills are awesome. really ... they're marginally better.. the big difference is that women like me before i ever open my mouth. most communication is non-verbal any way.
I'm a bit confused about your post. If you could give us some examples of how and where you flirt with these women, maybe we could help you out with your approach. It doesn't make sense to me that you'd be friend-zoned after showing interest in a woman. That usually happens when you talk to her without flirting. There could be a bunch of different reasons why you aren't successful. Maybe you don't smell nice, are awkward with conversation due to lack of experience, or possibly give off an uncomfortable vibe (stemming from the depression-anxiety issues you mentioned). Since you've already made the decision to stop flirting, though, I guess advice in flirting isn't what you're looking for.
You've already done what I would recommend, and that is to do what makes you happy. If that means not flirting with women, then so be it. Find something worth living for and focus on improving yourself. With a purpose in life, you will develop confidence.
Contrary to what many believe, you do not need a woman in your life to be happy. In fact, without one you don't have to spend time dealing with all the shit tests and nagging or managing her emotions. You're in your mid-20s and you have raging hormones; therefore, a woman's beauty can be very difficult to resist. Know, however, that your obsession with women will wane gradually as you get older. As you become more mature, you will gain better control over your emotions, and you won't get hung up over crushes as you did in the past. Also, you will be able to handle yourself better around women and be more attractive to them.
I hope you found this helpful at least a little bit. Good luck to you, brother.
Sincerely, Shalashaska_123
P.S. Oh, and I just realized something else that confused me. In the last paragraph you said you should stop flirting because you haven't gained anything from it. But in the first paragraph you talked about how you've learned a little about conversing with women and body language. You've made some progress with your attempts to flirt, and you should be proud of yourself for that.
On May 19 2016 02:34 Shalashaska_123 wrote: You're in your mid-20s and you have raging hormones; therefore, a woman's beauty can be very difficult to resist. Know, however, that your obsession with women will wane gradually as you get older. As you become more mature, you will gain better control over your emotions, and you won't get hung up over crushes as you did in the past.
this is a sad anti-life commentary. one should savour their emotions, feel their emotions and not make "controlling emotions" a top priority. Emotions are very important internal signals... instantaneous subconscious evaluations. Its better to feel too much than it is to feel too little. When you feel too much your challenge is to manage your actions around those feelings. When you feel little or nothing you are dead inside.
sry man .. but there is nothing better in life then going down on a woman for 30+ minutes and experiencing her body's gyrations as she is overcome with ecstasy.
if he wants a woman .. i got 3 words for him....... GO FOR IT.
Hmm, this is just a guess but i would assume that you are pretty introverted with maybe a handful of friends(maybe less)? I think for someone like you it might be best to not focus on the dating scene right now but instead focus on networking and establishing yourself within a circle of friends. You could meat a girl within that group or a friend of that group. It is a lot less awkward and girls will feel more comfortable around you if you are friends with their friends.
On May 19 2016 02:34 Shalashaska_123 wrote: You're in your mid-20s and you have raging hormones; therefore, a woman's beauty can be very difficult to resist. Know, however, that your obsession with women will wane gradually as you get older. As you become more mature, you will gain better control over your emotions, and you won't get hung up over crushes as you did in the past.
this is a sad anti-life commentary. one should savour their emotions, feel their emotions and not make "controlling emotions" a top priority. Emotions are very important internal signals... instantaneous subconscious evaluations. Its better to feel too much than it is to feel too little. When you feel too much your challenge is to manage your actions around those feelings. When you feel little or nothing you are dead inside.
sry man .. but there is nothing better in life then going down on a woman for 30+ minutes and experiencing her body's gyrations as she is overcome with ecstasy.
if he wants a woman .. i got 3 words for him....... GO FOR IT.
Hello, JimmyJRaynor.
You misunderstand me. By "gaining better control of your emotions," I don't mean you should numb yourself to your emotions and not ever enjoy yourself. That would be sad, indeed. What I am saying is he should become stronger emotionally and not obsess over some past crush or ex and move on. If he were meeting new women regularly, then I don't think these women of the past would be an issue. I agree with you that we should savor our emotions but that it is very important to manage our actions.
Some questions the OP will need to answer to give us a better picture so we can help him:
1) how much money do you have/make? 2) how tall are you and how much do you weigh? 3) on a scale of 1-10 how good looking are you? - post a pic on 'hot or not' to get an opinion don't rely on your friends, they may be scared of pissing you off 4) on a scale of 1-10 how funny are you? can you make people laugh on command?
On May 19 2016 02:34 Shalashaska_123 wrote: You're in your mid-20s and you have raging hormones; therefore, a woman's beauty can be very difficult to resist. Know, however, that your obsession with women will wane gradually as you get older. As you become more mature, you will gain better control over your emotions, and you won't get hung up over crushes as you did in the past.
this is a sad anti-life commentary. one should savour their emotions, feel their emotions and not make "controlling emotions" a top priority. Emotions are very important internal signals... instantaneous subconscious evaluations. Its better to feel too much than it is to feel too little. When you feel too much your challenge is to manage your actions around those feelings. When you feel little or nothing you are dead inside.
sry man .. but there is nothing better in life then going down on a woman for 30+ minutes and experiencing her body's gyrations as she is overcome with ecstasy.
if he wants a woman .. i got 3 words for him....... GO FOR IT.
Hello, JimmyJRaynor.
You misunderstand me. By "gaining better control of your emotions," I don't mean you should numb yourself to your emotions and not ever enjoy yourself. That would be sad, indeed. What I am saying is he should become stronger emotionally and not obsess over some past crush or ex and move on. If he were meeting new women regularly, then I don't think these women of the past would be an issue. I agree with you that we should savor our emotions but that it is very important to manage our actions.
thanks for the clarification. i think if you want something really badly .. you should go for it.
I think people here are missing the point. I didn't write this to get dating advice; I wrote this as a reflection of what I've done and how I feel that flirting with people in general is not for me. Now I'm not saying that I won't talk to ANY girls. I mean, if it feels very natural to talk to someone, then I'll oblige. Otherwise, I won't actively talk to someone by forcing it, if that makes sense.
EPT
