My appointment was 2 days ago and I was told why I've been so stressed all the time
..and quite frankly the diagnosis was not at all what I expected.(I thought I was just a little
But no, apparently I have something called "multiple thoughts disorder", which means my
concious mind tends to have at least 2 thoughts at the same time(3-4 thoughts are possible,
even though 3 was the max. I've experienced so far).
The weird thing is, I'm 35 years old and until now I thought this was "normal" and that's how
everybody else is wired, too. How was I supposed to know that's not the case, I can't look
inside other people's heads ...and "hey does you're brain work like mine?" was not on the
"hot topic list" in my social circles.
"This disorder develops early in children with a compulsion to control..."- was the first thing
he said and it hit home.. and I think he heard me whisper "No shit", because he cracked a
smile and I blushed and was a little embarrassed.
So I basically have to control everything I do and in order to achieve that, I think ahead.
But at the same time I reevaluate what I've just said or have done. So that's at least 2 thoughts
everytime I do ..anything really. It's 1 so called "active" thought accompanied by two
"shadow" thoughts. [He used an example of 3 spotlights shining on an object and you get 1
darker shadow (active thought) and 2 "weak" transparent shadows (shadow thoughts)].
"....So does this mean I'm special? Is this some kind of super power?" - No!
It means I'm fucked up.
It's the root problem, why I'm stressed all the time, because I can't do sh*t without
completely overthinking it and as I get older, it will get worse(because of declining brain
performance). And to top it all off, there is no way for me to get rid of it, because that's just
how my brain works....and "one cannot learn to simply think differently."
His words, not mine.
So what are my options? Well, luckily drugs are always an option, but I would have to take
them every day in order for them to be effective and the side effects are: drowsiness,
insomnia (yes i know they contradict each other...), nausea, erratic behavior....
The other option is, I shit you not... YOGA..."dear god I hate yoga!"...
Of course my girlfriend's happy, not because it's something we can do together,
no because she hates it as much as I do (she's scottish*) and she loves teasing me
whenever I have to do sh*t, I don't wanna do.
I know all of this sounds like first world problems, but for me it changes how I see myself and
others. I knew I was socially awkward sometimes, but this...
...Sucks...well, maybe it won't. I'll probably try both the meds and yoga. Life is a funny
thing...or whatever Forrest Gump said...anyways, that's all I got for now....Cheers!
(*To quote her: "...we drink and hate yoga!")