EPTearnest thoughtful comments only please
if you have nothing nice or constructive or interestingly KEYWORD INTERESTINGLY critical to say just FUCK OFF already ok? i dont want SHIT in the comments. obv this is a selfish request, but FUCK. this is a personal thing so please be nice. if u trigger me im gonna hunt u down or something.
dont comment just to stroke ur own ego as if u have wit, halfwits
no offense
i just have issues
negatives of cannabis sativa
dry mouth
red eyes
sleepy lookin'
food tastes too good so its hard to stop myself from eating stuff
it makes me worse at dota
it makes me take longer with menial tasks
i can get paranoid
after its over im kinda burnt for the rest of the day
increased absentmindedness
negatives of cannabis sativa, extended use
i get overly interested in my own esoteric thoughts
i get overly interested in things that have nothing to do with my own well-being
i get overly interested in things that dont matter to others. i'm unable to have any sense of whether or not other people can follow my high thought processes, and i suspect they often can't.
i get overly interested in idealistic visions without naturally accompanying respect for the work it takes to realize one
i become even more able to rationalize almost anything, including anger and sadness
i get complacent with whatever im doing in life
i lose time overall. i still haven't found a way to get high without having to increase the sleep my body seems to require to function properly. only the first high of every sleep cycle is truly "the" high, though later local maxima can still be quite nice.
i become unable to sustain interest in certain types of problems: menial tasks that take too much attention and not enough actual brainpower. this is obviously a subjective evaluation. as long as i can daydream, i'm fine. but if my entire consciousness is engrossed in a problem it does not find immediately interesting and satisfying, it will easily get distracted. terminally so, generally.
it's a lot worse to be sober while i'm addicted. it's harder to enjoy things. i get angry easier. my already-naturally-low amount of patience seems even lower. a few days following cessation, i lose my appetite, have trouble sleeping, and start having temperature-regulation problems as well as issues with my digestive system, usually bloating. much time will be spent wishing i was high and trying to distract myself from that thought. the longest i've been clean since getting addicted to weed was 8 months, and i've had 2 other breaks over 3 months. by 1 month in, generally the worst of the withdrawal symptoms are over. after 2 months, it seems i'll hit my plateau of general physiological well-being if no extra effort is put in.
aside: don't let anyone tell you weed isn't "physically" addictive. it's some bullshit pseudoscience that became a factoid. the "physical" vs "psychological" addiction distinction is misleadingly legitimized in its usage in comparing addiction potential, but those two words are a gross misrepresentation of the differences between types of addiction and don't inherently say much. with ANY PSYCHOACTIVE SUBSTANCE, you mess with neurotransmitters that humans clearly don't know all that much about (not that one could ever intellectually understand the effects of such neurotransmitter disruptions anyway), and that's a PHYSICAL PHENOMENA. a single try will irreversibly change your brain structure in a way that being sober never could. but with most drugs, a single try doesn't change your brain all that much. with all psychoactive drugs, extended usage will divert your brain structure from its sober trajectory more. you will become more of a drug person. i could make the argument for caffeine counting here, but i'm done with this digression.
a lot of my memories and thought processes while high are difficult-to-recall, or completely inaccessible to me while completely sober.
positives
i become more empathetic. it's easier than usual to remember love is the most important thing even when my near-infinite pool of anger has boiled over violently. put simply, i love anna and my mom and dad more and hurt them less, at least on an immediate timescale. it's easier to care about what other people care about... to an extent. overall, my emotions are easier to steer in positive directions, partly through my increased ability to rationalize almost anything. this took a lot of time and personal growth for my high self.
i feel like i can understand more angles of literally anything. when i examine things intellectually, it feels like i'm able to paint more interesting pictures with the repertoire of ideas in my head when i'm high than when i'm sober. i make more metaphorical connections between pretty much everything. i can more rapidly intermingle and connect disparate ideas with fluid logic. note: still can't think better on things that require formalized logical input (e.g., math, programming, deductive puzzles, etc). nonetheless, i feel like i can take everything to logical extremes and see a multitude of possibilities for everything.
a concrete example: my YUGE sandwich shop with architecture a la steve jobs's attempt on the apple and pixar campuses to connect interesting ideas with a variety of media and designed to be a social space for people with different interesting hobbies WHILE EATING ARTISAN SANDWICHES. i'm sure i could make it profitable later on by building it in a rich people w/toomuchfreetime place but i dont wanna do it right now.
that was a high dream
maybe it's not good, but it sounds kinda cool right? and i could always improve later
i have lots of other high dreams but nows not the time. maybe u dont believe me but a lot of them are really fucking good.
i have a more fluid view of language and i feel like i use it in more interesting ways. i don't care that most people seem to view this process for me with bewilderment, or even derision. it's just ridiculously enjoyable while i'm doing it. (more on this on my next blogboys)
over time, i feel like i've progressed in the way of designing psychological pathways to positivity and creation. my sober self was attempting this, but as my life turned out, my high self ended up doing it more interestingly. i'm sure the two can't be meaningfully compared. my sober self's life trajectory is the road not taken for me. i'm giving this road my best shot.
i've managed to mitigate a lot of the long-term negative effects, particularly regarding idealistic/esoteric/useless thoughts and complacency. i've become more self-aware of such issues while both high and sober. i think i've been making progress towards the end of minimizing certain undesirable effects of long term usage just through recognition, metacognition, and techniques to snap me into doing what i want to do when i realize i'm doing something i don't want to do. i dont know to what extent i can progress in this regard, but it's something i'm continuing to work on.
i like high me more than sober me overall. both high me and sober me like high me better than sober me, overall. i have attempted to re-evaluate this position multiple times but i always end up coming back to this conclusion. if i didn't, i wouldn't be writing this.
sober me would have never written this
im not sure sober me could have even courted anna tbh
i still have issues with the idea of free will; i have 7th grade newtonian mechanics
i dont know if my life could've gone that differently; i don't know where i was supposed to choose differently
i'm just a weed person
im crying a little bit
edit: i cried a lot
but im ok ok? pls try to be happy for me
ANSWERS TO QUESTIONS THROUGH POST 10:
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i'm not going to get too deep into it here, but both her and i at times have viewed weed as something that's standing in the way of my progress. obviously a lot of people here are predisposed to that view as well.
as for the current past year though, i've convinced her, and she can be quite stubborn sometimes, that weed is integral enough and important enough to my path in life for now to outweigh the negatives. she can directly see the benefits of a weed high making me more considerate, patient, and empathetic acutely in times when i really need to be those things. she can see the difference in my thinking when i'm high, and while my high thoughts are rarely as hard-hitting to her as they are to my high self (something i've known in general about my high thoughts), she can definitely see that they can be uniquely interesting and that they're definitely things that sober me would never think of.
one of the biggest obstacles for her is the paranoia that i'll get arrested; but i'm pretty good at measuring risk and convincing her that i'm doing stuff that i believe to be mostly safe. i suspect some readers might disagree on this count as well.
she, like lot of people, finds the consumption of weed a lot less off-putting if there's no smoking involved, so i haven't smoked for awhile, and i'm trying to avoid it.
On April 14 2016 16:03 IgnE wrote:
would you prefer it if no one commented at all? that's a serious question
would you prefer it if no one commented at all? that's a serious question
no i like all the responses so far. i'm sorry i was unnecessarily hostile in my introduction.
On April 14 2016 18:46 makmeatt wrote:
blogs are google-indexed; so it doesn't matter whether somebody links this elsewhere or not.
blogs are google-indexed; so it doesn't matter whether somebody links this elsewhere or not.
it's ok that it's googleable i just don't want it to go quickly viral somehow... though honestly i'm ok if it is so don't even worry on my behalf there. thank you for your concern.
it's interesting how the consequences of 'extended use' you cited are negative to you. i suppose it's just because they are way too different from your usual self?
while i can sympathize with the positives, i find it hard to understand or believe how they can be worth going through any single form of addiction i can imagine. better seek ways to experience them without the necessity of taking anything (and while i can get that this is easier said than done, it's important enough for everyone to at least consider thoroughly).
while i can sympathize with the positives, i find it hard to understand or believe how they can be worth going through any single form of addiction i can imagine. better seek ways to experience them without the necessity of taking anything (and while i can get that this is easier said than done, it's important enough for everyone to at least consider thoroughly).
i listed the main negatives i could think bring to mind as a form of education/warning for others, and also to show that i have enough self-awareness to know it's obviously quite the sharp double-edge sword.
my current approach to life is to do it addicted to weed. there's no such thing as experiencing life high on weed without taking it. it is a mindset that is mostly inaccessible to me while sober. you can't have it both ways. there are definite advantages to being sober that i both highlighted explicitly and implicitly, but again... i've been a stoner for over 6 years now, on-and-off... it's not a new cost/benefit calculation to me: it's one i've rethought a lot of times, and at this point i fall on this side of the fence.
given the personality issues i've had since birth, going through a form of addiction, and one of the 'least bad' (honestly a useless comparison, qualitative things like this shouldn't be compared quantitatively, but it's just a useful heuristic) recreational drugs to be addicted to, is definitely not something that i find hard to "go through" per se. it's just another aspect of my mind i have to try to balance and work with.
i mentioned this before, but whenever i start to feel like my life is too fucked up; i'll just look at a few biographies of artists or thinkers or scientists i admire and i'll feel like it's all right. who cares if this is a questionable rationalization? it's a thought pattern that puts me back on what i believe to be the track i want to be on.
On April 14 2016 18:53 turpentine wrote:
I don't do drugs so I'm not speaking from experience, but it seems to me that one of the main negatives of weed, namely, complacency, lack of motivation and feelings along those lines, heavily undermines the positive aspect relating to grand ideas and possibilities. It's the stuff of morality tales--our protagonist finds the herb of Great Thoughts, but that same herb kills any motivation to act on those thoughts. Maybe it's a question of proper dosage?
I don't do drugs so I'm not speaking from experience, but it seems to me that one of the main negatives of weed, namely, complacency, lack of motivation and feelings along those lines, heavily undermines the positive aspect relating to grand ideas and possibilities. It's the stuff of morality tales--our protagonist finds the herb of Great Thoughts, but that same herb kills any motivation to act on those thoughts. Maybe it's a question of proper dosage?
excellent comment/question: this is definitely at the core of why people look down upon stoners, don't trust them, and see them generally as going nowhere in life. my comments on this should be able to translate to the struggles of others that have nothing to do with weed in particular, though weed interacts particularly strongly with this issue.
i think it's an issue of habits, just like many other issues of time allocation and dream-chasing. not to say that "habits" is necessarily the core concept to think of here, but it's definitely one of them.
a lot of my high time is wasted on dota, reddit, and consuming media insufficiently interesting to warrant being high during consumption (interesting media consumed is worth it because i feel like it adds to my web of literary/philosophical thoughts). in short, i waste too much time on unproductive masturbation (porn gets involved too). it's a habit i am working to change. most of us struggle against our habits of escapism and not-too-meaningful forms of social interaction that seem to keep us grounded to our lives.
i've kept the goal/imperative in mind throughout my high life to try to keep on the lookout for interesting things i might be able to sublimate into artistic creation or something else of merit. i've kept the goal in mind to try to stop myself and change activities whenever i see myself wasting time in yet another cliche way. i hate many cliche strains of thought, though certain ones appeal to me greatly.
it's a lifelong struggle. the 'correct' balance probably involves a nonzero amount of useless masturbation, especially social masturbation, just for psychological upkeep purposes, but of course useless masturbation should still be minimized. not to say worthwhile moments are completely precluded by the metaphorical act of masturbation, solitary or social, because worthwhile moments can always be found in unexpected places. it's kind of a probabilistic thing, though. i'm sure if i had more interesting social circles, i wouldn't view so much of the interaction as masturbation.
due to recent events that served as a wake-up call (no details for now sorry), i got nudged dramatically in the direction of productivity. i wrote 2 blogs that came from a quite personal place, even if they're of really questionable quality. personally, i was happy with this step. i've been thinking more about plans to do more with my time and plans to take first steps on some of my other dreams. i went to one of my wife's lectures and i plan to go to a few more and perhaps befriend one or more of her professors.
i am aware of studies that show that grandiose ideation and thinking about what its like to have brought about big dreams can prematurely sate the drive for accomplishment and end up stifling it. i hope that my awareness of and CONSTANT VIGILANCE against it help, but again, it's a lifelong struggle.
there are a few high (and sober) dreams i could accomplish while sober, so it's still kind of a plan b, but if i had the choice, i'd rather still accomplish high dreams while (mostly) high.
dosage definitely affects things, and strain can affect things too. weed is honestly a nightmare for people who want consistent controlled effects. being from california and being able to access dispensaries really helps, though.
I think you might be better off if you acknowledged the good stuff the grass has brought you, but without tying your own ambitions and plans to it. I don't think there's any need to vindicate your drug habit via some kind of Magnum Opus in any field, especially in light of you saying that you "get overly interested in idealistic visions without any respect for the work it takes to realize one". That sounds like a road to disappointment. Smoke your weed and get stuff done, maybe it's great, maybe it's not; go next.
perhaps you're right. i'd still like to imagine you're wrong and that the Magnum Opus(es) i have in mind might be worth all the "sacrifice." and lets be real, my life is SO FUCKING EASY compared to that of so many more interesting and accomplished people. if i consciously choose this as the demon i need to grapple with to do what i think i want to do, just let me give it my try. of course i'm not dependent on anyone's permission, but the general perception that many intelligent people still disagree with me still slightly bothers me. if that alone could change me though, i think it'd indicate a questionable lack of ego and integrity.
And since you speak of rationalization--is it not perhaps a form of rationalization to think that your weed-smoking is done for a greater purpose than simple pleasure and stress-relief, presumably the main reasons why people consume drugs? Like: "i swear on my FUCKING LIFE im gonna do something worthwhile soon" You're putting a lot of pressure on yourself to Achieve Something, and linking that to the drugs. That's really the heart of your justification, and I wonder if it's worthwhile. Hell, smoking weed while telling oneself that it's being done for a Higher Purpose seems like it would make things a lot less enjoyable. It would stop being about just getting high.
you are correct. it is a rationalization. i'm going to go more into this in my next blog, but i think rationalization can be used as a powerful ally in sublimating bad habits into higher purposes, and i don't think that's necessarily a bad thing. it's obviously a bad thing with delusional idiots, and i could still very well be a delusional idiot, but it's still something i believe in and want to attempt. "simple pleasure and stress-relief" are huge parts of why i got into weed. they are bad reasons to stay addicted to weed. i am trying to justify good reasons to stay addicted to weed because high me can imagine things going better if i can really value and act on those good reasons.
obviously an alternative is to attempt to detox and "do something worthwhile" sober and just abandon high me as a failed artifact of self-medication. high me really doesn't want that. sober me doesn't want it either. and as i've alluded to, both sober me and high me like high me better. one extension of this is that both of us also like high me's dreams better, and think high me is a more interesting and worthwhile architect and engineer of those dreams, even if certain aspects become more difficult.
dreams shouldn't be enjoyable in the same way escapism is. that's fine. i'm aware of that. i still want to pursue them. they bear fruit of a deeper kind of enjoyment anyway, and it's something i've been able to experience in bits and pieces while high.
let me reiterate my conclusion.
im ok ok? pls try to be happy for me
btw i wrote the blog high and this Q/A post sober, but there's no chance i would've ever written anything like this post if i weren't a stoner.
RESPONSE TO POST 11:
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On April 14 2016 20:12 sc14s wrote:
Oddly enough my experience is the opposite with dota, it helps me just focus on the game or something (not talking super stoned, but say one bowl) some of my best dota has been while mildy under the influence where when i am only focused on the game and not worrying about fucking up it somehow seems to go well. I think it also helps me not get tilted from my team being awful or me being too hard on myself.
I really dig my dreams after smoking so sleeping becomes less of a chore (I tend to get way less sleep than I should)
I am also more productive about doing things around the house (my wife loves t when i get stoned and clean the house spic and span, lol)
I think we might experience weed slightly differently; In all likelyhood you probably do it in much more massive doses (considering that you ingest edibles) than I do and more regularly.
Oddly enough my experience is the opposite with dota, it helps me just focus on the game or something (not talking super stoned, but say one bowl) some of my best dota has been while mildy under the influence where when i am only focused on the game and not worrying about fucking up it somehow seems to go well. I think it also helps me not get tilted from my team being awful or me being too hard on myself.
I really dig my dreams after smoking so sleeping becomes less of a chore (I tend to get way less sleep than I should)
I am also more productive about doing things around the house (my wife loves t when i get stoned and clean the house spic and span, lol)
I think we might experience weed slightly differently; In all likelyhood you probably do it in much more massive doses (considering that you ingest edibles) than I do and more regularly.
thank you for your response.
i've experienced better games of dota for sure. i'm also able to enjoy bad games more. part of the reason it makes me worse is that recently i've cared less and less about performing well and getting better at the game and more about just amusing myself intellectually, which is not a game-winning mindset for me. i'm fine with that though. i love weed + dota, not gonna lie, it's just still a vice in the end.
i forgot to mention this negative of extended higher-dosage use, but dreams are barely there. this kind of goes along with the 'losing time' point. conversely, in withdrawal, i get super vivid emotional dreams, and some of them can be quite interesting, but i never wake up feeling rested.
yea i definitely have more patience to do certain menial tasks high; like i said, ones that don't take up all of my attention. i do a lot of cleaning in this household (SHOULD BE DOING A LOT MORE) and weed can definitely help with that.
weed definitely can differ in effect by dosage and quite idiosyncratically by person. i don't want to say i'm too much of an outlier, but i've got a pretty weird personality and life, so i don't mean for my experiences with weed to justify anyone else's anything. everyone's responsible for themselves, i just thought i might give my account to people on why i live the way i do.
