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I am willing to bet that you think most people are boring when you are sober and that you your greatest feelings of existential angst and apathy well up when you've been sober and look around at your life in cold appraisal.
yes, but this sense has decreased over time as i've accumulated more seemingly-viable dreams. i've found freedom from angst and apathy in ideating and working on my creative dreams. even though i feel it much more deeply while high, it's not as if i feel completely barren while sober. such dreams have crept over and remain in my consciousness while sober sometimes. i've described the worst of being sober, but it's really not like that a lot of the time... it's just that i'd still rather be high a lot of that time.
I don't know what you do for a living. I am pretty sure it isn't gratifying. I am also sure that most jobs on this planet aren't. But you need to find something you want to be doing, seriously, or you will just end up coasting along indefinitely
literally nothing for now in the way of paying work. i'm a spoiled only child and my parents enable me so long as i hold them and their well-being hostage, and i've emotionally held them hostage since before i can remember, via threats of self-harm and suicide as a toddler. i yelled at the top of my lungs, i cried for hours on end, and i would literally punch myself in the head until my parents had no other recourse but to acquiesce to whatever ridiculous demands i had. i've treated them better over time, but the basic dynamic has persisted for the most part.
it's really easy to dislike me for this, but try not to. it's easy to blame me for not being stronger and taking more responsibility for fixing the dynamic earlier, but try not to. i'm working on it. again, i try to avoid regrets.
i told my mother to cut me off this september, which happens to be a convenient logical transition point due to the logistics of my summer plans. this summer i will be writing a bunch of fiction and some nonfiction and trying to keep in touch with a few people i respect to edit my work in hopes of ideally getting into stanford's creative writing program. i'll probably apply to a bunch of other artsy stuff next year too. in september, when i'm actually cut off and in a place to look for work, i'll find work and keep working on my creative dreams on top of that.
Personally, the default life choices are a bit unsatisfying, and it takes some serious, perhaps painful, sober reflection and "being" to really get some perspective. Comfort is the enemy of personal development in many cases.
in my case, the comfort of my situation and the amount of time i've had to reflect has defined my personal development in some respects. of course the pace seems clearly insufficient sometimes, and i've definitely gone through cycles of time-wasting and shame, but everything's still been getting better over time; i've been getting better at dealing with all these things.
if you've gathered, the first dream i want to start working towards is becoming an artist. i wasn't exactly raised to be an artist, nor did i show obvious proficiency at it earlier on, but i got extra time to develop, and i'd like to think i'm somewhat capable now. at least capable enough to keep giving it a shot until i fail. and luckily, my safety net seems pretty fucking strong. i could live with myself doing art as a weekend warrior, but i want to give it a shot at being professional first. i know it's a ridiculous privilege and opportunity to even have this chance, so i don't want to waste that much more time squandering it.
"Issues" with "free will," apathy, and fatalism are red flags to me.
idk where "apathy" came from.
i'm always hesitant to mention my issues with free will because it always ends up being a completely useless discussion... but i'll try to paint a bit of a picture
i am aware of studies that show that people who believe in free will manage to end up acting more as if they have it, towards positive results. i am aware of the detrimental effects of naive fatalism. i am aware that preoccupation with determinism/fatalism go hand-in-hand with symptoms of dysthemia or depression. these are things i've struggled with since grade 7, as i've alluded to, long before my relationship with weed.
i'm aware of the concept of compatibilism. i'm aware that you can still have a useful concept of free will where free will actually exists in a meaningful way. i am a determinist only in a very basic way does not apply to perception-level life-level phenomena. at this point, i've reduced my once-overwhelmingly-pathological conception of determinism to simply a rationalization to not regret the past and keep moving forward, which is one of its only useful conclusions (it might have some things to say about how societies should handle criminals/corrections but that's a major digression). i wouldn't even bring it up anymore in most situations, but it was a thought in my head for this blog, so i ended up mentioning it offhand.
I also think you should probably work on your sober self.
i am working on my sober self. i have not given up on it; i've just given up on the idea that i want to live most of my life sober. i'm okay with 50/50 or 70/30, even if that slows down my development in certain aspects.
Edit: I also am not against recreational weed usage. I just personally don't like walking around with weed crutches in order to "get through" life.
as i've already stated, i'm trying to transition from this sort of relationship with weed towards a more symbiotic one where i can live a more productive and fulfilling life while high for a significant percentage.
Edit edit: think about how marijuana and bingeing stimulation affect your reward systems. Even if you approach life from an epicurean perspective, you can maximize pleasure and self worth by re-sensitizing your brain. Step off the hedonic treadmill for a while.
i dont know what an epicurean perspective is off the top of my head so lemme consult wiki
Epicurus believed that what he called "pleasure" was the greatest good, but that the way to attain such pleasure was to live modestly, to gain knowledge of the workings of the world and to limit one's desires. This would lead one to attain a state of tranquility (ataraxia) and freedom from fear as well as an absence of bodily pain (aponia). The combination of these two states constitutes happiness in its highest form.
this isn't me. i'm fine with suffering if it's for a greater end; it's the paralyzed suffering of the treadmill of hedonism specifically that i'm trying to get away from. i'm not sure what advice you're trying to give here, because my stated goals with this lifestyle are not hedonistic, even if the original reason for getting into heavy weed usage was. if there were two philosophers whose ideas i would like most to follow, it'd be kierkegaard and nietzsche. maybe a bit of wittgenstein.
thanks for your continued input
this entire post was written sober without much existential dread or angst
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I got "apathy" from you saying you don't like feeling that "nothing matters."
I feel obligated to point out that having gratifying work to do is an important element in creating meaning in your life.
I honestly think you should go get a job like roofing houses or doing lawncare for awhile. I don't know where you could even get a job like that in Boston, but assuming you are 23 or 24 with no job and apparently no job experience I tend to think that "becoming an artist" is just the most palatable "default" option for you and that even going to Stanford for creative writing won't necessarily give you the drive that you seem to crave in your life. You barely know what you want out of life because you've been opting out of it for so long.
But hey maybe I'm wrong and retroactively projecting on you. Do your thing.
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On April 15 2016 04:00 IgnE wrote:
I got "apathy" from you saying you don't like feeling that "nothing matters."
that particular part of the quote, i think, referred to useless existential dread, something that i'm pretty much winning the battle against nowadays. but yes, getting high is a quick shortcut out of it if i feel trapped in that kind of mindset.
I feel obligated to point out that having gratifying work to do is an important element in creating meaning in your life.
which is why i want writing to become that work. i'm trying to build up the discipline to put out more signficiant output. earlier this year i read the self-help book by stephen pressfield "the war of art" and it was actually good for thinking of such things in practical terms, even if i've dragged my feet quite a bit putting his lessons to practice because of my ever-present id that prefers more immediate gratification.
I honestly think you should go get a job like roofing houses or doing lawncare for awhile. I don't know where you could even get a job like that in Boston, but assuming you are 23 or 24 with no job and apparently no job experience
if i didnt have problems with physical weakness and hyperhidrosis since forever, i definitely would've considered a job like this more seriously (though tbh as long as my parents enabled unemployment i'd probably just stay that way). i worked in a sandwich shop for awhile while i still had my sandwich shop dream, but i found that that type of work was just... way too much for me over time, unfortunately. sweating way more than other people is just an unpleasant thing to deal with; i could deal with it if it were a necessity, but given my degrees of freedom, i can't bring myself to go there except as a last resort.
I tend to think that "becoming an artist" is just the most palatable "default" option for you and that even going to Stanford for creative writing won't necessarily give you the drive that you seem to crave in your life. You barely know what you want out of life because you've been opting out of it for so long.
that was me 2-3 years ago when i planned to apply to this thing the first time. i'd like to think i've grown since then, but it could've been insufficient growth. i feel like i'm much more able to carry the mindset "i can just do this if i just grit my teeth and sit down and stop fucking whining and making excuses" than 2-3 years ago, but again, it still might not be enough right now. being a professional artist is fucking hard. ability for raw output aside, i might not be as clever/interesting as i hope i am.
i have a b.a. in physics to kinda fall back on and i could always pursue grad school for stats or something somewhat practical. there's lots of things i could do that could be somewhat interesting to me and definitely structured enough to not make it to difficult stay the course.
but i wanna follow my dreaaaaaaaaaaaaam right now even if i'm wrong about what my dream is.
i really appreciate the effort you put into sticking it out in this exchange with me. i really understand where you're coming from, and i'm not going to claim any sort of highground for picking this sort of path over the sort of path you advocate. it's way more self-serving, juvenile, and idealistic. there's nothing about it that's better per se, except in the eyes of my own ego and ideas about my own potential.
i won't even feel any bitterness towards you if you end up being right and i get your voice in my head i-told-you-soing me in 2 or 3 or 5 years. i'd just be mad at myself, but that's my own issue to deal with.
thanks again
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i suspect the way i structured this blog might've emphasized the negatives too strongly
i didn't really make this clear enough, but over time, i've managed to mitigate a lot of the long-term negative effects, particularly regarding idealistic/esoteric/useless thoughts and complacency, and i've become more self-aware of such issues while both high and sober. i think i've been making progress towards the end of minimizing certain undesirable effects of long term usage just through recognition, metacognition, and techniques to snap me into doing what i want to do when i realize i'm doing something i don't want to do. i dont know to what extent i can progress in this regard, but it's something i'm continuing to work on.
of course i still indulge myself in just letting a high take over and amuse me sans productivity or enrichment way too often... but as long as i recognize that more and more and keep pushing back... hopefully...
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I recommend you start working, at least part time. It's hard to gain a well rounded perspective on life without having done some menial labor. Absorb these experiences and write about them. It is painfully obvious when writers are disconnected from the world they write about. Also having money in your pocket that you can call your own is empowering.
How do you know that the next hurdle on your way to becoming a writer isn't going to be the end of it all? Working past certain obstacles, even though they may be distasteful, is part of growing up. The mind is conditioned to give up early to keep the body intact. Just push through it for a couple of months. See where it gets you.
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this question was actually answered but fucking nothing until september
so yea
ill be in japan june-sept tho doing mostly fucking nothing (read: trying to prudently use what little unrestrained time left i have to crank out attempts at good fiction) but also planning outings
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On April 14 2016 15:44 SpiritoftheTunA wrote:
sorry i don't want to seem like i have high standards for comments, and i will field any questions no matter how simple, but i just can't stand when i put effort into something and ppl only have some trivial joke to make or comment indicating only that they werent interested (being surprised i was married was excusable). comments like that feel like an ugly waste of space and just bother me.
Ya it was totally a trivial joke and this is not the place for it. That edit was an honest "I have reconsidered whether it is a good idea to make this post," not snide commentary.
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Have you read Infinite Jest OP?
I really enjoyed it and I think you would find it interesting. The conversations in this thread reminded me of the book.
(Keep in mind it's quite dense, long and has a pretty obnoxious plot. But the ideas discussed are interesting and the characters themselves are quite fun.)
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On April 15 2016 01:52 SpiritoftheTunA wrote:
as for why i actually wrote this blog in particular
it's something i wanted to write for awhile in general and is one piece among many pieces of writing i'd like to do
it was catalyzed by a comment in my last blog asking why i was high for that lecture
funny thing is, prof. nesson definitely gets high every day and seemed high during that lecture... he's a stoner xd
sry for the xd's its exhausting trying to remain serious for so long sometimes; im addicted to that ironic humor. a common vice in the anglosphere.
haha tuna nice blog.
I'd like to say that tuna you are still young so better not limit yourself into 'smoking weed is the da best' kind of mindset.
Is like alcohol, when people are very young they just want the alcohol molecules in alcoholic drinks, and then when you get older you start to learn about different kind of drinks that suit you/you appreciate more, and then most importantly when you realize good company to enjoy drinking with are so hard to come by but when that happens it is the best (ie people comes first, alcohol comes second).
And when you are speaking of 'getting stoned', it is very different from getting 'high' haha, from what I know is that over here (UK) the weed are mostly near 50-50 mix. I mean, ya, you might want to explore more about weed (or any other substances *cough*) if you truly enjoying weed/getting stoned/high. But I have to say under one big condition though, you are fully responsible for any actions you take, you need to know what you are doing, and most importantly by all means you have all the rights to enjoy life to its fullest.
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On April 15 2016 08:51 Bswhunter wrote:
Have you read Infinite Jest OP?
I really enjoyed it and I think you would find it interesting. The conversations in this thread reminded me of the book.
(Keep in mind it's quite dense, long and has a pretty obnoxious plot. But the ideas discussed are interesting and the characters themselves are quite fun.)
yea i read it a few years back its one of my favorites
pseudointellectual dumbfucks like me love that kinda shit
er im not calling u a pseudointellectual dumbfuck; i was just called that recently so its still funny to me
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On April 15 2016 05:04 Spicy_Curry wrote:
I recommend you start working, at least part time. It's hard to gain a well rounded perspective on life without having done some menial labor. Absorb these experiences and write about them. It is painfully obvious when writers are disconnected from the world they write about. Also having money in your pocket that you can call your own is empowering.
like i said, im having my mom cut me off in september, and due to circumstances involving travel, it'd be rather inconvenient to try to get a job until then
idk if you've noticed but i'm already "disconnected" from the world i write about, and i always will be. i'd rather put it like i have an incredibly idiosyncratic connection to the world.
i've worked a job before, even if super briefly. i know the feeling.
ive had so many ideas for writing that i've tried to think about and evaluate in terms of commercial viability (though this evaluation itself is already half-"selling out" and i have some ideas for which i don't want commercial viability to matter at all)... i generally already keep "relate-ability" and groundedness as criteria to keep in mind for evaluating such ideas... but thx for the reminder
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Keep on truckin fellow marijuanaut, wont get to the points being made on the thread, but I'll leave this here: + Show Spoiler +
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thanks friend i've got two for you
+ Show Spoiler +
+ Show Spoiler +
this second music video is amaaaazing but the first resonates deeper with me
edit: ROFL @ one of the youtube comments in your link
"Tracklist:
0:00 - Dopesmoker"
i tried to expand it and then i got the joke
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EPT
