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I'm just going to say right off the bat, what I'm writing isn't planed out and is going to be a chaotic ramble/release of emotion as I have never spoken to another human being about this. (except via text with my sister but not this in depth, I don't want her to worry.) Isn't anonymity awesome?
This is also kinda related to the post RedQueen made and is kinda sorta intended to give you a view of how my usual mind set is as I'm sure for people who haven't dealt with/knew someone with depression it is hard to understand how shitty it is. fyi I'm tired as fuck and running low on coffee so again not going to be the most well written thing whatever it is. grammatical errors galore!
Well shit, lets start with my daily mantra: "I hate myself." I repeat this countless times a day for any mistake I make. Whether it be tearing the sliced cheese when I'm making a sandwich, or when a make mistake in gaming; oooo lets talk about that: gaming.
I swear the only reason I'm so into competitive games is to give me a chance to belittle myself. What was a childhood pastime of freedom and exploration has turned into a strict regimen of becoming the best almost as if to redeem myself. Never able to stick to one game long enough to play at a semi decent level (like a year?) due to burn out. Back when I played StarCraft still I would self harm because I wasn't able to play 8 hours that day. "How disgusting, I should be able to." As of recently I am getting back into Runescape pk'ing hardcore. Why the fuck wasn't I able to escape that pj!? Why the fuck do you suck this much ass!? I know my mind set is so toxic I can never hope to play at a truly competitive level because I destroy myself before I even have the chance but the hope still lingers that: "Maybe I'll be good enough" "Play more you lazy piece of shit"
I have lost the ability to cry. I physically can't do it unless I administer pain. I want to I really do but I stare at the mirror and see a face void of emotion, dark circles, ugly goatee because I'm to lazy to shave or even bathe. My eyes look as if they are blank and I hate it I hate myself and everything about me. I wish I could be better, I look at the other people around me, beautiful, happy, progressing thru life. Getting into grad school, getting girlfriends, getting better jobs. I sit here, a drop out, barley hanging on to this job and narrowly affording rent, cigarettes, and food. (even tho I barley eat I starve myself lol I only eat when I deserve to.)
I on rare occasions go into manic episodes, almost as if sub-consciously wanting to escape from feeling like shit all the time. I take a razor and laugh hysterically as I watch my arms drip with blood; Only to feel ashamed the next day and hide my scars from everyone.
The only real place I have found solace is pot and alcohol. I am a completely different person for a few hours! Well not quite just not such a downer. I actually laugh and socialize with those around me! I actually don't feel like shit. Yet I have to limit myself as I'm fully aware it cannot be the only method of escape for me as I will most likely turn into a junky, stop giving all shits and die in a gutter. (especially with alcohol as alcoholism runs in the family, thanks Russian ancestors!)
I hide all my emotions from everyone and try to put up the best facade as I can for fear of ridicule and shame. I still don't fully accept my depression as I don't feel like I deserve to feel this way. I am a white lower middle class american. What the fuck do I deserve to feel this way!? Child soldiers in Africa can to feel this way. People in Auschwitz can feel this way. What the fuck is so bad in my life that I feel like this!? It feels so selfish and weak to me. I am entitled to so many rights and privileges that a large chunk of the world isn't. I feel like I am one of evolution's failed experiments and just need to continue with to process and die already before my defective genetics can be passed down.
I just don't know what to do or where to go. I am ashamed.
Well I guess that's most of it. Or at least most of it without sounding like a whiny ass hole.
Honestly have trouble hitting post blog as I don't know how people will react to this. Guess I wont be lurking on TL for a few weeks. Peace yall.
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i recommend an experiment for 2 weeks. stop any interactions with technology ( pc, smartphone, tablet ) that have nothing to do with work, learning/school/research. replace that tech time with going outside and doing some kind of outdoor activity... play with some animals outside... go fishing... play basketball or baseball.. anything outside.
at the end of the 2 weeks take an hour or two to assess if your depression level has changed.
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I highly recommend JimmyJRaynor's suggestion. One week holiday (snowboarding) without any technology usage and Internet access made me my happiest mood of my life. Many people at holiday can confirm this too.
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in the winter... Kodiak-Boot hockey is the best.
natural outdoor ice. no skates. everyone is sliding around in Kodiaks 
outdoor hockey is so much more fun than arena hockey.
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One thing I learned to do as I got older was question some of my repetitive negative thoughts. I think for lots of people who have thoughts like 'no one likes me' or 'I hate myself,' if you just stop to think about things that are good about you for a half hour, it can be really helpful. Just spend some energy refuting those thoughts, because they're usually not based on anything other than you're not satisfied with something. You eventually see things are getting misdirected.
You should also stop doing drugs (yeah, I mean alcohol and caffeine too). If you are having difficulties with your emotions, they really cloud your ability to judge. In general, drugs are very difficult things to judge, and if you're feeling upset you will be more likely to have too much, and more likely to abuse them and get addicted.
If drug addiction is seeking out something you don't actually want, sometimes sadness and depression can really be seeking out sadness despite not wanting to be unhappy. I really feel this when you talk about child soldiers and how shameful it is that you have emotions. You are seeking reasons to dislike yourself, but I'll tell you as an observer, everyone has the right to their emotions. You can be rich and pampered, and if someone you like gives you the cold shoulder you're allowed to feel sad! I know it sounds like there's irony in what I'm saying, but what I mean is you're allowed to feel sad, but don't feel sad about feeling sad. The less meta you get, the more easily you'll be able to have the emotion and move on.
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That Redqueen post really triggered me too. The thing you must understand is that most people have no clue about depression or how to beat it. They can give you helpful common sense tips and advice or not so helpful ala Redqueen but at the end of the day if people have never experienced true depression they will never ever come close to understanding or knowing how to fix it.
Even doctors with the advice of oh try this medication, oh its making you worse? oh try this other one..
But yes for sure dont do drugs or too much alcohol as they will for sure make you worse in the long run, even though you might think they help you now.
Try to talk to someone just to get ideas out of your head, sometimes it doesnt help, sometimes they say things that actually make you worse, but sometimes just getting the words out can actually make you feel better for a while.
I wish there was more but im afraid what doctors and anyone else knows about real depression and how to fix it is very sparse and hit and miss. But they can help some people or so i have been told.
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United States12235 Posts
In my experience, people with depression tend to be intensely self-focused. My life sucks, nobody else has to deal with my problems, terrible things happen to me. They can't process that other people have problems too, and if they do realize it, they minimize those problems. Social media plays directly into this mentality because it's often used as a bragging platform where everyone can present their best self. Unplugging from social media will help a lot in breaking the reinforcement of that outlook. That's not to say that people with depression are necessarily wrong in their observations, but they personalize them, and that's what's unhealthy. The personal interpretation of those observations is always at their own expense.
I don't say these things to disparage or diminish, but it's important to recognize as a general construct. You are being unfair to yourself due to factors that you cannot willfully control.
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On April 09 2016 06:42 JimmyJRaynor wrote:http://www.elibay.com/"when you breathe as if you are relaxed you start to become relaxed"
I only briefly checked out that page but did you just recommend breathing exercises to someone with serious mental issues/illness ?
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On April 09 2016 08:19 EmKey wrote:I only briefly checked out that page but did you just recommend breathing exercises to someone with serious mental issues/illness ?
i also recommend water as well.
relaxed belly breathing is the birthright of every human and like water is an unqualified positive contributor to every human's life.
it also shifts one's focus from "thinking about your own thoughts" to thinking about one's body in an objective way.
science backs my view but i'm too lazy to repost it from my previous posts.
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Try this one trick {excercise, eat healthy, sleep good, stand on your head whilst counting backwards from infinity}!!
Doctors hate the forums poster who invented this cool 100% guaranteed to fix depressions method!!
Jesus christ.
OP, go see a professional about your depression.
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u mad bro? this is only an internet forum board and i think you're taking it too seriously. try an Eli Bay relaxed breathing technique to calm down and lower ur BP.
where does it say in my posts its a guarantee?
nothing is a guarantee to fix depression. nothing.
minimizing the value of Eli Bay's work with obfuscation and literal gesticulation adds nothing. it only lowers the signal to noise ratio of the thread. everyone benefits from improved breathing unless they have a rib injury.
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On April 09 2016 21:27 Puosu wrote:
Try this one trick {excercise, eat healthy, sleep good, stand on your head whilst counting backwards from infinity}!!
Doctors hate the forums poster who invented this cool 100% guaranteed to fix depressions method!!
Jesus christ.
OP, go see a professional about your depression.
I think it is not unreasonable at all to try to improve certain things about your lifestyle that might help what is ultimately a very difficult to diagnose problem, before you invest in seeing a professional.
I also think it is important when someone is crying out for help to tell them something meaningful, not just defer them to a professional. For problems that are emotional in nature, sympathy is pretty important, and this person felt it was important to let somebody, even if they're just strangers know about the pain they are feeling. There's also no reason not to combine these more ordinary approaches with scheduling a consultation with a professional at the same time, if you have the means to do so. I'm not saying see a professional is bad advice, just that your post was shitty and probably did not motivate the OP at all to do so, because there is no sense that you have registered their issue.
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Frankly my belief is that anything but directing OP towards a professional is unresponsible, and also, downplaying the seriousness of depression. Mental illnesses are complex enough for professionals. The risk of elevating the problems due to unmediated "treatment" conducted by internet wizards is, well, not cool.
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Technology break is very good, but you may find hard time to find replacement for your activities.
Well at least try to avoid computer(replace with TV if you must), try it for a week or two.
But in my opinion the absolute best is to change diet.
You need to eat low carbs, eat something small on breakfast (e.g. 1 piece of bread with ham/cheese/vegetables).
Have anything for lunch but after lunch you just stop eating a only have something small (vegetable, piece of bread, ...) when you are really hungry and after 6pm you don't eat at all.
You can have juice in the morning but thenafter you should only drink water or tea(without sugar).
You see a big part of neurons that make up your mood are actually in your stomach/intestines, if you treat them badly you end up with broken emotions.
Sugar gives you elevated energy and mood, but if you take too much it's like drugs you become addicted to it and you will need more and more to achieve the same level of happiness.
This way you will teach your body to live from low sugar levels (slowly decreasing throughout the afternoon and evening) and then have your sugar boost in the morning.
Ofc, alcohol can fuck up your regime, because it is high carbs and also makes you hungry afterwards.
But if you can keep this diet for at least a week you start to see that your lust for alcohol decreases dramatically.
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On April 10 2016 03:50 Puosu wrote:
Frankly my belief is that anything but directing OP towards a professional is unresponsible, and also, downplaying the seriousness of depression. Mental illnesses are complex enough for professionals. The risk of elevating the problems due to unmediated "treatment" conducted by internet wizards is, well, not cool.
This totally.
Been there done that...
From what I understood of it, chems in the brain are messed up. Pills will fix it while you get back on your feet. In the meantime you will probably want to talk to a professional to understand the who/what/when to make sure you get your shit togheter so it doesnt happen to you again ( because you will always be prone to go back there if you dont break the pattern that put you there in the first place ).
Dont hate yourself for it just take steps to fix it...
I tiptoed around it for a while telling myself I wasnt a weak maggot but in the end it only made my life shittier.
hope this helps man ( if it doesnt the quote is spot on )
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Hey man,
Depression is a serious problem. You need to try and understand that your problems are no less real than 'children in Africa'. I used to feel that way too, it seems like sound reasoning, but it's a fallacy. Your problems, no matter what they are, or how stupid/insignificant they may seem to you, are real and have an significant impact on your life. They probably impact a lot of hours of each single day. They are real and significant. So downplaying them is not correct.
The harder thing to do is acknowledge them, try to accept the situation, and work towards improving your situation from there. And improving can be something very minor. No need to set unrealistic expectations. Just try to be able to look back at the day and think, I'm in a better situation than yesterday. Be happy that you shaved today, as you couldn't yesterday. Be happy that you did half of the dishes today. Even if you don't do anything 'good' for a day, be happy that you realised this, and you'll try better tommorow.
It's also not a weird problem. I think like 1 in 4 or 5 males suffer from depression, it is very common. Try to talk to your parents/family, or good friends. Their reaction will not be as bad as you've made it in your mind already. In fact you might find out other people you know have had or are having the same problems. And if possible try to get some professional help. It probably took you quite some time to reach this negative mindset, so it will not be easy breaking the cycle, professionals can really help with this hard task.
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Speak on internet .. speak to someone you can speak to, in the real world .. speak to a professional ...
In any case, communicate, don't trap yourself in yourself.
Most people troubled that call out for help add this particularly nasty "now i'm this whinny bitch calling for his mommy f my life etc"
Don't do that. Instead consider this: you exist and you will feel better.. guaranteed! Then you will feel worse, and if you work at it..you will prosper and allow YOURSELF this not so simple right
to be happy.
Good luck.
ps:
On April 10 2016 05:46 LastWish wrote:
Technology break is very good, but you may find hard time to find replacement for your activities.
Well at least try to avoid computer(replace with TV if you must), try it for a week or two.
But in my opinion the absolute best is to change diet.
You need to eat low carbs, eat something small on breakfast (e.g. 1 piece of bread with ham/cheese/vegetables).
Have anything for lunch but after lunch you just stop eating a only have something small (vegetable, piece of bread, ...) when you are really hungry and after 6pm you don't eat at all.
You can have juice in the morning but thenafter you should only drink water or tea(without sugar).
You see a big part of neurons that make up your mood are actually in your stomach/intestines, if you treat them badly you end up with broken emotions.
Sugar gives you elevated energy and mood, but if you take too much it's like drugs you become addicted to it and you will need more and more to achieve the same level of happiness.
This way you will teach your body to live from low sugar levels (slowly decreasing throughout the afternoon and evening) and then have your sugar boost in the morning.
Ofc, alcohol can fuck up your regime, because it is high carbs and also makes you hungry afterwards.
But if you can keep this diet for at least a week you start to see that your lust for alcohol decreases dramatically.
 agreed with what you mean, but hilarious nonetheless <3
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I just want to start by echoing that you should seek professional help. Depression and mental health generally are extremely complex issues and you aren't going to get much more then benign generalities in an anonymous thread on the internet. You should seek out a trained professional whom you like, respect, and trust has your best interests in mind when caring for you.
I too suffer from chronic depression and can relate to many of the things you've described, though some things seem to have manifested themselves more severely for you than they have for me. To me it was nice to know that there were people out there who both understood and empathized with me, even if this knowledge didn't help anything directly. Learning more about depression and mental health in general has been helpful, and is something I would suggest doing. This video is one I found particularly insightful just in terms of getting a general understanding of what are some of the things that could be going on: + Show Spoiler +
As others have said, you should cut down on sensory dampers. This means limiting computer, internet, and television time, and also stopping with the drugs and alcohol. At least with myself, I find that I do these things to escape from reality (my main thing has always been the internet and gaming, I can get lost for several sleepless days just sitting at the computer). Escapism is not a healthy thing to be doing and while it does feel better in the short term because you aren't thinking about how unhappy you are or feeling the bad feelings, you are also not living your life nor are you addressing the underlying issues that are going on. Any serious treatment involves stopping this type of behavior. In order to face, treat, and overcome your issues, you must live in reality, not behind a screen or in a drug induced haze.
Another aspect I wanted to make sure to touch on is that the isolation is bad.It is important is to have someone you trust and can talk to (not only a professional,but a friend or family member whom you trust). I find the process of seeking help to be rather frustrating and, given my issues, I often do things that are counterproductive to getting better. This is why it is important to have someone who you trust, who can act as a shoulder to lean on. Someone who has your health and well being in mind and who can actually help you through the different things that need to be done. One of the things that was frustrating to me at the beginning of the 'healing process', for lack of a better term, was that I felt there was no clear direction. My mindset was that an illness or a manifestation of negative effects has a cause, and thus a treatment. If one has an infection, you take antibiotics, if you get the flu every year you get flu shots, and so on. Mental health is frustrating because it often is not so cut and dry, there are simply too many variables at play. Having an advocate is extremely beneficial.
I tend to ramble on when discussing this because there is just so much to say, but these are the main things I wanted to share for now. Feel free to respond here or pm me if you want. But, again, it would be neglectful of me not to urge you to seek professional help. A medical professional is going to be the one who is best suited to work and care for you as an individual.
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EPT
