EPT
So I quote my previous teacher, one of the great cellists of this century. Charles Curtis, if you must look him up.
I'm sitting here, post-performance from this semester's string quartet jury. We got through a pretty difficult program: the first two movements of Bartok's 5th String Quartet, and the first movement of Mendelssohn's Op. 80 String Quartet--and we did it pretty well, as an ensemble. It was a challenging semester, full of growth, revelation and joy. Progress!
And yet ....
Let me backtrack a little, just for some context. I've played the cello from a fairly young age, since about 9-10 years old. Despite growing up in a border town near Mexico, I was privileged with a fairly decent music education, with a strong school orchestra program, and a pretty decent cello teacher. I caught on fairly quickly with the instrument, and I became pretty good for my area's standards.
For my area's standards. A tiny town near the border of Mexico, displaced very far away from the real classical music scenes. You see, I didn't even know that conservatories were a thing until after I went to college. Honestly, I thought I was pretty good at the cello, having done several concerti performances with the local school orchestra and community symphony. And I was--for the area's standards.
Fast forward to university life, entering UCSD as a Computer Engineering major. In retrospect, it was a bad idea; I was good at the humanities and arts, not the math and sciences. But, my dad was an engineer, and so I figured I should try to be one too, since it's supposed to provide a stable living............
I breezed through high school. I barely studied, and I aced most of my classes. In no way was I prepared for the rigors of university life, and I struggled immensely for my first year. Very quickly, I decided that computer engineering wasn't for me, and I decided that I needed to switch out to a different major. But which major, I wondered? I despised the thought of being a lawyer, so poli sci was out of the picture for me. I ran through the list of humanities majors, and noped to all of them, out of fear of not being able to get a job. Then I figured, why not music? I figured I was pretty good at it, and that I could make a living at least by being a school orchestra teacher.
As you might have surmised by now, I was not a very smart nor knowledgeable person. GOD, was I an idiot, I really had no clue what I was getting myself into.
UCSD is a strange place for music. Its undergraduate program is lacking; it's much more focused on it's graduate and doctoral programs as an institution. As such, people don't really go to UCSD for an undergraduate music degree. Really, the undergraduate program is more for overachieving asians who want to complete a double major with music, or for other eccentric people interested in its Jazz or ICAM program. Or for people who have no idea what they're doing. Again, I was very ignorant at the time.
However, despite its lacking undergraduate program, there were plenty of incredible undergraduate musicians who happened to be at the university. These were the overachieving asian kids who had the intense pre-conservatory training before UCSD, and were accepted into major conservatories such as Oberlin, Peabody and Julliard. However, when faced with the decision, they decided that they wanted to actually make money in medicine, actuarial science or programming instead of slaving away in music. Still, music was a huge part of their lives before, and they wanted to continue involving themselves in music.
Not to mention, the graduate students and faculty are all actually incredible musicians, who for the most part were also from these same venerated institutions and conservatories. They just happened to be very interested in avant garde experimental music, which made UCSD perfect for them.
The point of all that? Being around such incredible student musicians who were doing it for shits and giggles, and around true professional avant garde musicians, made me realize very quickly how inadequate I really was. Charles (the cello prof) even denied giving me lessons my first year, because of how poorly I played--his way of trying to save me the trouble of a foolish endeavor. The smart thing for me to do was to abandon my hare-brained idea to do a music major, and do something else.
I didn't. I stuck through with it. Why? Despite knowing how terrible I was in the grand scheme of cello skill, I decided it would be too embarrassing to switch majors, again. So instead, I just decided the good ole fashion "well I might as well try" approach, and I happened to stick with it for the rest of my university tenure. And god was it difficult; prior to this, I had never practiced more than two hours in one day my entire life. And when I started down this path, there were so many other things competing for my time: classes, Starcraft Broodwar, video games, my social life, etc. All of those things were cut down, bit by bit, until practicing and music dominated my life. After taking lessons with a graduate student for a few years, Charles finally agreed to give me lessons--and my god were they amazing. At the end of it all, I was starting to grasp what it meant to be a decent musician.
In a strange way, I was a little lucky to have done my undergraduate degree at UCSD. I got to meet all sorts of interesting, forward-thinking musicians, and I became familiar with all sorts of avant-garde new music ideas and compositions that are fascinating. Not to mention, having lessons with Charles was perhaps worth the whole experience by itself ..... I had a unique experience and education that I don't think I would've gotten anywhere else, given my circumstances.
My progress was phenomenal, and surprised most everyone who knew me from the start. However, even with such amazing progress, it still remained the fact that I started from a very low place. I had tastes of greatness, from my peers, the graduate students, and faculty. I wanted that for myself, so desperately, and I found myself applying to MUN for graduate school for a MMus. I figured, "well I might as well try". I wanted an opportunity to further develop myself, and push myself to my very limits.
I was accepted; I've moved across the continent, from sunny San Diego, to windy, cold St. Johns.
So, tonight, at the end of my first semester, I sit here pondering ... pondering ... is it possible? For me to achieve the level of skill and artistry, where I can finally acknowledge myself as a great musician?
As of yet, I still cannot. Despite the fairly decent performance tonight, with the repertoire being as difficult as it was, I am nowhere near satisfied with how I personally did. In fact, I was fairly frustrated, and a little upset at myself. There were too many mistakes--too many slips in control. Perhaps I am comparing myself to an impossible standard, an idea that is only ever grasped at, instead of being reached. It doesn't matter--I know that I can do better than I did, and that it can be done.
I am tired. I have worked harder this semester than I have before in my life. However, between the symphony, chamber orchestra, solo rep and string quartet, it seemed as if I barely had enough time to be adequately prepared for everything. Compared to my peers, I feel woefully inadequate as a musician--perhaps, a perception that may only be stemming from my own insecurities. I have grown and progressed a lot as a musician, and I am glad I have come here, but sometimes I wonder if my effort is all for naught. Is it possible? Can I do it ..?
Insecurities and doubt assault me every so often like this, and I cannot help but dwell upon them sometimes. Ultimately, I must resolve to continue moving forward, giving my all. Despite the hardships, and the foolishness of it all, I don't regret going down this path in life (yet). I don't have a lot of money right now (or any, really), but I do enjoy what I do, for the most part. Music interests me, on so many different levels, and performance-wise, I enjoy the sense of self-cultivation I get as I practice, and improve in my control and vision.
In the end, I may not end up with music being how I primarily support myself. I've known for a long time now how difficult it is to succeed, and to support yourself with it. But, well, I might as well try?
Thanks for reading my long, long ramblings and thoughts. This was just something I had to get off my mind, and was oddly self-therapeutic.
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