I find it strange that I have accepted that my days are coming to an end so soon... I always thought that would be the hardest thing about dying. Losing everything you worked for your entire life. My parents always taught me I should work hard and get a job with which you can make a lot of money so you can do the things you always wanted to do, like buying a fancy car, big house, lots of holidays to far away lands, but no matter how hard you work, always be fair. I love my parents, but I think they raised me wrong, because with all the money they had there still was no cure for me. I worked so hard only to learn that I can be happy without money as well.
I don’t even miss the old times, which is what I found most strange at all, except for the part of me having cancer of course xD. I wasn’t a typical gamer, hell, I wasn’t even a gamer at all in the first place. I played football (not handegg you bloody Americans!!). Which is big here in the Netherlands. A lot of people admired me cause I was an attacking midfielder for my club and on top of that I was the captain! I had a good body and the girls knew.... My ex Jacky was the goddamn best looking girl you will ever see. Also when I finished my school I could combine my lifestyle of sports and a nice girlfriend with a good job, finally buying a house of my own. But that is when shit happened. In that summer I was relaxing at the beach when suddenly my legs didn’t move while playing beach football. I just didn’t know what was happening to me, I started to cry but I couldn’t feel the pain, it felt so surreal, I just didn’t have the power to move myself from the spot on which I stood, but apparently I fell down, I have no fucking clue what happened but the next thing I knew I was in an ambulance going to the hospital.
The next few days were a blur for me. I just had so much pain that they gave me so much medication I couldn’t feel a thing. But to be honest, staying awake then is the hardest thing you will ever do xD. They did a few tests and a week after that the news was out: I had cancer. Yes, I, Jack, the man who had it all in the palms of his hand, money, people who envied him, girls, had fucking cancer.
A few days after I could leave the hospital. The cancer was located in my spine and some organs. Long story short, there is nothing they could do for me. But I actually felt fine physically at that point. I was scared shitless because I was diagnosed with cancer. A type of cancer that will take my life rather sooner than later, but how on this goddamn earth could my body feel fine? Time remaining: 1 to 2 years.
A few days passed while I just lay down on bed watching TV and a lot of people dropping by and calling to ask how I felt. I realized I only had 6 months left to do the things I wanted to do cause after that I probably wouldn’t be able to walk.... like ever again. I felt a lot of comfort in having people around me from my football squad, friends and family. So I made a list of things I would like to do and started working on it! I worked my entire life why would I stop now? I wanted to keep playing soccer as much as possible, drive a nice car, go on a holiday with my lovely soon to be ex-girlfriend and visit some major football games. But dear lord, the list couldn’t be a bigger miss.
Almost all the people who I considered friends at that time, from my squad or school, started treating me like I was made of glass. They looked at me with pity. They didn’t challenge my calls as a captain anymore, they never engaged me in a duel of some friendly fighting like we used to do. Okay I was ill but I wasn’t dead for Christ's sake. I've got 6 good months of life left but the only things you guys see is a walking corpse. But that wasn’t even the worst I had to endure, it was my lovely ex Jacky. Every time we made love after that I felt like she wasn’t there. Every time I looked in her eyes the only thing I could see was worry and despair of being with me. When I told her if she still felt the same way as she did before she told me things have changed, that it wasn’t the cancer, I think she said more after that point but I just couldn’t believe what I was hearing. The girl I loved, with which I wanted to spend the rest of my life, left me. Just like that, during the time I needed her most.
2 months have passed since I was diagnosed with cancer and I broke with all my friends and family other than my parents and my sister. I really hope I never see these fucking sons of goats again. Which in my case is fortunate because I don’t have long left to live anyway. My ex Jacky now has a relationship with the new captain of my former soccer squad. Bunch of idiots. I didn’t matter anymore. The only respect I had was when I was the best player and with that being gone, I did not matter anymore. And on top of that, my ex-girlfriend is fucking the new captain... It wasn’t the cancer... Yea right. My family was just as bad. They all stopped by to tell me how much they would miss me. I mean, my funeral pyre is at least 4 months away, can’t you just address me as Jack, make a bad joke or just punch me on the shoulder like you guys used to do? And not even once had they told me they hoped I would recover or feel any better, no THEY felt bad. Needless to say I told everyone to go fuck themselves, I raged, I fucking broke my foot kicking the shit out of the faggot who stole my ex and I never felt as bad as I did at that moment. I had no friends, no family which would support me, my parents are always busy with their work, nothing to live for and 4 months left. Suicide seemed a better option by the minute.
That’s when I discovered the things that helped me get through this difficult period of time: a good friend and online gaming. I had this slightly odd friend at school waaaaaay back, named skrelt. Everyone always found him strange. He only did the things in school he wanted to do, listened to the music he wanted to listen to (have you ever seen an 8-year-old listen to Queen, Sabbath and Iron Maiden? His dad didn’t even like Maiden or Sabbath!) but I always tried to be as nice as possible to people and so I did that to skrelt as well. He always found some time to help me repair my computer/laptop and we sometimes went out and just talked for hours while drinking some cola. He doesn’t like beer for some strange ultra gay reason. But off all the people in the world I never expected him to be at my doorstep when I felt most miserable. I never came to his birthdays even though he did invite me, never invited him to mine because he wasn’t one of the cool kids, although he knew I didn’t invite him because my friends and girlfriend thought he was weird. When he found out he came over to my house and had a chat with my sister. When she told him I just sat in my room, stopped football and basically everything social I had, he came back later that day with a laptop. This person, who I didn’t even consider a friend, GAVE ME A FUCKING LAPTOP. When I asked him why, he just answered: so you can play video games of course lol.
It took me 3 days before I touched the thing, I just felt miserable but every day skrelt would call once or twice to ask if I would join him in a game of Starcraft 2. The 3rd time I gave in. I played some CoD and Fifa before, and of course I know what SC2 was but never ever did I play that game. So I was surprised when I booted the laptop it was already installed. That guy BOUGHT ME FUCKING SC2. I just couldn’t comprehend the act of selflessness of that fucker.
And then the best thing ever happened to me. I have never felt any better in my life. A week after I started playing SC2 I 4-gated this zerg (4-gate is a protoss build order that used to be considered OP). And when I was on the brink of victory, you know what happened? The guy called me a faggot... He called me a faggot... I couldn’t believe what I saw. I am dying of cancer, and here is this random internet person just calling me a faggot, a cheap fucking gay cheesing faggot. I am not gay but I would have kissed that person. For the first time since it was known I had cancer someone acted like I was a normal person. And you random stranger, I wanted to thank you. You saved my life! At least for a while!
I had something to do in life again, becoming better at Starcraft 2! With my newfound powers but no sense for strategy in this game, skrelt suggested I should watch a person called Day. Ladies and fucking gentlepeople, this person should be president.
Day became one of my best friends without him knowing it. He meant so much for me. I learned so much from him. The next 3 months he would be my coach to the diamond league in SC2! But not just for SC2, he also shines his light on what it is to be a gamer, to just enjoy the things that you love. He is the reason why the relationship with my parents and sister was restored while I am still alive, for which I am eternally grateful. And his story about kittens and ninja stars helped me a lot these difficult times. Just to be happy with the things I have and that I should not be focused on the bad things in life but just BE positive, no matter what. I don’t know if you ever read this Day but you are a hero amongst men, I salute you.
And of course Incontrol and idra. Dear lord did they crush some nerds on their streams. The talk shows of SC2 with ItmeJP and nony. I laughed my spine out. Always when I watched State of the Game you people put a smile on my face.
One year has gone past and and I am still going strong. Although I can’t move my fingers as fast as I used to or walk. Silver league is still within my reach! The cancer did progress a lot. But you know what, the cool thing about gaming: it doesn’t matter how good you are, on every level people call you a faggot.
Had to stop sc2. Couldn’t move my left hand well enough over the keyboard to use my hotkeys well enough, and I couldn’t bear Day seeing me play without hotkeys! Switched over to DotA 2, or Cyka2 as a lot of people call it. Spent some good time with skrelt just goofing around. And watching The International.
I basically just lived behind my laptop the last months. I can’t walk, I can barely eat. I lost all muscle I ever had. So it was a good change of pace to get out of the house with skrelt. We went to the beach where it happened. The first sign of my cancer. I didn’t know if I wanted to go but now I am here I feel at peace. I realized that the things I lost “because” of cancer where things I could do without my entire life. But the things I have gained while I have cancer, a real friend and a family who supports me no matter what I do, are the things that make these last few month worth living. It is good to see skrelt finally drink a fucking beer as well although I had to force him! His argument of driving a wheelchair was judged invalid! Although it did rain and the faggot left me standing in the rain, it is good to be treated like a normal person again. I also sneaked in a beer myself! Just standing there on the beach with my friend in the rain was the best thing he could ever do. Never have I found rain this peaceful. A sight to see, the sea when it is raining. I cried. Never in this entire time did I shed a tear but there. And I know that fucker saw me cry, although he never commented on it. Just said it was a good day for rain. I had finally found peace in my life, and whenever death would come, I could shake his hand and welcome him. BUT NOT BEFORE ANOTHER GAME OF DOTA!
2 years have passed. I feel a lot of pain. But also a lot of comfort. I limit myself to watching streams of iceiceice, singsing, admiral bulldog and notail when they are online. I almost can’t move anymore, typing takes an immense amount of effort so these streams from them are always nice to watch. I think it is my time soon. I never thought I would feel good enough the past few months to write something but I found a bit of energy. Realized my life would be meaningless just working another job and making money like my parents did. My cancer saved their marriage. We got closer as a family. After I passed away they are going to spend all their time helping people like myself. And thanks to that dipshit who keeps visiting me here in the hospital I know that the people that truly care about me are here.
After writing this he passed away 7 days later. At the age of 25. I had to translate the stuff because he wrote it in Dutch(Nederlands) and in the later stages of his cancer he talks allot about the pain and his relation ship with girls and a lot of personal stuff which i am not going to share. I believe he wanted Day, Incontrol, idra, ItmeJP, Nony, Singsing, Notaill, Bulldog and iceiceice and all the other streamers and casters to know what it meant for him to watch the content they brought out and helped him in his final years and moments of his life. He slept a lot the last few months/weeks but always he fell asleep to content of em, dota2 or sc2. I hope this will reach them as I have no phone number or email address to tell them: thank you. I hope this helps people who are sick all over the world to grab their illness by the throat and smack it down like my friend did. He lost the battle for sure, but he died a happy man.
I want to thank everyone for reading this. It means allot to his family who are moved by what everyone has to say and that they took the time to write something back. Even the celebrity's.
Dear Sir, It is raining today, and today is just as good, be well my friend.
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In replay to nony and some other people who mentioned it aswell, he wrote down that he is fine with people reading what he wrote down, he just feels kinda silly writing a diary. it is considered a bit of a pussy thing to do in holland for a guy. that is why he kept it a secret.
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Thanks to SirIlliterate who was the best grammar nazi today