EPT
I have no idea why I'm posting this or why I kept hitting enter instead of periods, or even attempting to make coherent paragraphs. It was not a stylistic choice, at least consciously, but I guess it is representative of my stream of consciousness. That is, after all, what it is. Did I say I don't know why I'm posting this? I don't. Maybe it'll get like 1 star again, as it should, and I can finally nag someone about deleting my entire blog. Fresh starts are good.
+ Show Spoiler +
what is this feeling?
it's like a lethargic compulsion to write, create, think, release emotion
i crave sadness, pity, companionship, solitude, happiness
i feel none of these? i think? i feel emotionless. perhaps we'll call that contentment
i want to be able to focus, clear my mind and dig to the back of it to figure out what it is i'm trying to say or think
i want to learn, i want to rest
i want to listen to music, watch the videos endlessly and stay in this lethargy, absorbing the surrealism and substitute it for my reality, as if i wanted to escape it
i am content but dissatisfied, validated but invalidated
my thoughts conflict
my value system is underdeveloped, undefined, and it hurts when i think about it, when it's challenged, when i need it
i seem to think i'll find solace by writing down all my thoughts, dimly hoping it will help me decipher the cryptic nature of my wandering mind
i wonder if i really have made an impact on my psychological well-being, or general state, if it's less detrimental than innocuously altering, by living in front of a computer screen for 3 years
constant stimulation, "multitasking", unintentionally practicing not focusing on anything at all, simultaneously absorbing only fractions of what i want to
i almost need music to feel like i can focus, yet it prevents me from focusing because i listen too it too much, even if it means nothing to me
most art means nothing to me, it's all taken at a superficial level, face value, aesthetics over everything. some say i do that with girls too.
i have learned so much that i realize i've learned almost nothing, and i've gotten farther than i should have with that
am i wrong about that though? does my desire to be right all the time, my perfectionist nature, lead me to believe i know much less than i do because i seek a fundamental, omnipotent understanding of anything i encounter? or is it really just inapplicable tidbits and rudimentary rote processes and facts?
i'm tired
how does being tired affect the way i think?
i've never taken psychology
would it give me answers? or would i just become like my sister, a hypochondriac, conceited and deluded by my limited knowledge?
i should work out more
why do i have no motivation?
is it the whole "getting off the ground thing" where I just need something to get me to do it once or twice until i find a routine?
i do find comfort in routines, as much as i complain about the monotony and rote nature of math, i approach so much with a scientific, methodical mindset
do i really want to do liberal arts instead of math and sciency stuff?
i hate math and science, i'm pretty sure
but i hate english too
but do i hate the subject or do i hate the way i've been taught because my teachers haven't all been great?
are my teachers bad or am i just lazy, unmotivated, overrating myself and my intelligence, eternally distracted?
why can't i ever commit to anything?
banjo, what was it, 5 years? i was never even good at all
i have no rhythm, no understanding of chords, no discipline to practice
i also was bad at taking care of my hedgehog
were those just immaturity or indicative of the same flaws i suffer from now? how might they have changed with my aging, and how might i be able to learn from them?
is it true what they say about the flaws you see in others existing in yourself? i think so, but i can't tell if it's true or if i've just convinced myself it's true because it's plausible. if it is true i've got a lot to work on
how do i work on that?
do my friends help me? do i fuck up until i get it right? are these even my friends? such a small school, forced association and acquainting, am i really even compatible with them in a realistic, practical, mature sense?
what the fuck even is maturity?
i seem to remember hearing that those who feel most mature among their peers are in fact least mature. i say that's bullshit, but i would imagine it's correct to say that they are less mature than they think they are.
how did i get on this tangent?
i was talking about school, yes
i don't know what to say though
maybe i'll find answers in college
i hope so
i'm tired of going through this clusterfuck stream of consciousness every night
it's kind of therapeutic but so unfulfilling
better than homework, at least when i don't have any to feel guilty about not doing
what's the thing about circadian rhythms? does that explain my odd moodiness, or lack thereof, at different times of the day?
or am i too distracted at school to realize that when i'm not paying attention it's because i'm rambling in circles like this again?
it's like a lethargic compulsion to write, create, think, release emotion
i crave sadness, pity, companionship, solitude, happiness
i feel none of these? i think? i feel emotionless. perhaps we'll call that contentment
i want to be able to focus, clear my mind and dig to the back of it to figure out what it is i'm trying to say or think
i want to learn, i want to rest
i want to listen to music, watch the videos endlessly and stay in this lethargy, absorbing the surrealism and substitute it for my reality, as if i wanted to escape it
i am content but dissatisfied, validated but invalidated
my thoughts conflict
my value system is underdeveloped, undefined, and it hurts when i think about it, when it's challenged, when i need it
i seem to think i'll find solace by writing down all my thoughts, dimly hoping it will help me decipher the cryptic nature of my wandering mind
i wonder if i really have made an impact on my psychological well-being, or general state, if it's less detrimental than innocuously altering, by living in front of a computer screen for 3 years
constant stimulation, "multitasking", unintentionally practicing not focusing on anything at all, simultaneously absorbing only fractions of what i want to
i almost need music to feel like i can focus, yet it prevents me from focusing because i listen too it too much, even if it means nothing to me
most art means nothing to me, it's all taken at a superficial level, face value, aesthetics over everything. some say i do that with girls too.
i have learned so much that i realize i've learned almost nothing, and i've gotten farther than i should have with that
am i wrong about that though? does my desire to be right all the time, my perfectionist nature, lead me to believe i know much less than i do because i seek a fundamental, omnipotent understanding of anything i encounter? or is it really just inapplicable tidbits and rudimentary rote processes and facts?
i'm tired
how does being tired affect the way i think?
i've never taken psychology
would it give me answers? or would i just become like my sister, a hypochondriac, conceited and deluded by my limited knowledge?
i should work out more
why do i have no motivation?
is it the whole "getting off the ground thing" where I just need something to get me to do it once or twice until i find a routine?
i do find comfort in routines, as much as i complain about the monotony and rote nature of math, i approach so much with a scientific, methodical mindset
do i really want to do liberal arts instead of math and sciency stuff?
i hate math and science, i'm pretty sure
but i hate english too
but do i hate the subject or do i hate the way i've been taught because my teachers haven't all been great?
are my teachers bad or am i just lazy, unmotivated, overrating myself and my intelligence, eternally distracted?
why can't i ever commit to anything?
banjo, what was it, 5 years? i was never even good at all
i have no rhythm, no understanding of chords, no discipline to practice
i also was bad at taking care of my hedgehog
were those just immaturity or indicative of the same flaws i suffer from now? how might they have changed with my aging, and how might i be able to learn from them?
is it true what they say about the flaws you see in others existing in yourself? i think so, but i can't tell if it's true or if i've just convinced myself it's true because it's plausible. if it is true i've got a lot to work on
how do i work on that?
do my friends help me? do i fuck up until i get it right? are these even my friends? such a small school, forced association and acquainting, am i really even compatible with them in a realistic, practical, mature sense?
what the fuck even is maturity?
i seem to remember hearing that those who feel most mature among their peers are in fact least mature. i say that's bullshit, but i would imagine it's correct to say that they are less mature than they think they are.
how did i get on this tangent?
i was talking about school, yes
i don't know what to say though
maybe i'll find answers in college
i hope so
i'm tired of going through this clusterfuck stream of consciousness every night
it's kind of therapeutic but so unfulfilling
better than homework, at least when i don't have any to feel guilty about not doing
what's the thing about circadian rhythms? does that explain my odd moodiness, or lack thereof, at different times of the day?
or am i too distracted at school to realize that when i'm not paying attention it's because i'm rambling in circles like this again?
