Hey Guys, I know this might not be too important to most of you but some of you might still know my stream and did not yet hear about me departing from StarCraft.
Im not saying I will 'never play this game again' but for the moment I decided to take it out of my life and pursue other things. I absolutely love this game but it dictates a lot of my life. It soaks so much time out of me and I cant seem to get anything else done when im pursuing goals within Starcraft such as reaching GM.
I always have this feeling that I need to put in a StarCraft game here and there and that robs me of my energy for a lot of the important real-life things.
I have several other problems that are drastically decreasing my 'quality of life' and i really need to fix them. With Starcraft around as a constant hobby/focus I can just not get my shit together to focus on the 'important' stuff.
Like I already said, I absolutely love Starcraft, but im a very obsessive person. Once i find a passion, something I like or want to be good at I get very obsessed with it. I focus all my willpower, time and effort on it and everything around it will just be ignored.
I go into full tunnel-vision and identify with that passion as being me rather than it just being a small part of my life. Basically what Im saying is, its very hard for me to stay too detached from things.
My mother used to always say things like 'Why do you always have to overdo it once you found something you like doing?' Honestly, I dont know. I like it and hate it, but if one thing is for sure there is a lot of downside to it.
For people that might feel the same or feel that there is something like that in there lifes as well this Vlog might be interesting. I also talk about my issues with Anxiety-Disorder, depression and some other issues. Perfectionism,Obsession,AD,...You name it. It all comes kind of together as part of a mental illness.
Its something you have to face and work with. Something you have to tell 'Fuck you' and work your ass off to deal with it and finally put it behind you. It is insane how much willpower it costs to face these problems but im not willing to give up, ever. This kind of shit ruins your life if you dont do anything about it and hence you have to adress these issues and not hide behind a computer playing a game. For as long as I have problems that drastically hinder me living a good life because Im in constant fear, I gotta take this as my path. Master my emotions, master my psyche, beat this fucking anxiety-bullshit.
If i do that, there is no reason why not to play some SC here and there again, but its not going to be a 2-week thing, believe me that.
The amount of dedication and passion you convey is intense. I hope you can make as much progress in real life as you did in Starcraft. Good luck, stay safe, and come back some time!
@CrushingShadows: Thank you, I really hope I can make some amazing progress in real life. If everything goes how I plan I will at some point be back as a different person. Good luck to you too!
I have Social anxiety disorder and stammer and it's really shit. I feel your pain. I always have feeling I will fuck it up when im with other people = I enjoy being alone.
I now watched your vid sometime and your market example happens to me sometimes also. But also as I was teased at school so my self-esteem is quite shit. As I feel like im going to fuck up and people are going to watch me, I try to do thing when there are least amounth of people possible. Like refueling car, if I see too much people there I just refuel later. I think I don't need to say how scared I am to drive inside cities (I will fuck up)
I always thought that is just part of social anxiety disorder but that might be anxiety disorder also
@jande: I will try my best to work hard on that! @thebloodydwarf: it's like you're talking out of my sole. Holy shit I always felt like nobody understood this stuff. It's so shitty it's exactly that. The type of thing like always going where there is less people, rather wait in the car than getting out of it when there is people walking by. Hating social situations and becoming very anxious once you don't know what it looks like where you're going next. Like tomorrow I gotta go to the trainstation and I'm already so anxious I won't find the right train and do some mistakes that make me look socially awkward in front of people. But I learned to see this as training, like a competition. The harder it is for me the more it is a challenge, like some one was trying to make me feel bad and I'm showing him how strong I am by beating this challenge. Never give up man, never.
I bet a lot of SC players can relate to this, me too to some extent, especially when I was younger.
Watching the video right now, and maybe this comes up, but streaming isn't a problem for you? It seems like that would be a ton of pressure (someone I know has serious anxiety and streaming feels like the absolute last thing they would ever even consider haha, but they also deal with some other stuff so maybe that's more because of that than the anxiety).
@Jinro: Yea, in fact minigun talked about it a while ago on his blog too. Its funny you ask because a lot of people ask this and its really weird. I dont understand it myself but I feel very confident on stream. I also never really had confidence or self-esteem issues. Just when I could not achieve what I was trying to achieve I felt really shitty about myself, but it was rather situational. I believe strongly that one can do whatever he sets his mind to.
I used to be scared a lot to put myself in front of a camera and would never skype with any strangers back when I was younger, but nowadays streaming I feel very comfortable.
Honestly I dont understand that myself because reallife-confrontations are very different for me. I guess streaming gives me a sense of detatchment because I can always 'turn it off' and I dont look at other people reacting to me (only in text-form).
The only problem I realized when streaming is that I put myself under immense pressure to live up to 'the audience' as in trying to play my best. Thats been a huge problem for me for a very long time and a lot of people thought I come over as a huge dick because I got frustrated very quickly over not performing at my actual level.
I realized that part of the anxiety is that you always want people to not judge you in a bad way, sort of like a 'people pleaser'. You try to do what people want to see. Contrary to that im actually very bold with my opinions and state what Im thinking. Im only trying to 'people-please' whenever im in a social interaction with strangers.
I did look into it a lot and read a lot about it and came to the conclusion however that I did not want to be that guy that lets his life be dictated by what people think of him , so I started internalizing a mindset for not giving a rats ass what people think about me.
That was actually groundbreaking for the entire anxiety issue (it helped on stream and in general social situations too), because if you dont give a shit what people think then what is there to be afraid of? What is there to feel awkward for?
If anyone is interested more I can go into more details on how I kind of adopted this mindset, but thats about scratching the surface
Its funny you say that because I do procrastinate A LOT. Its just that I try to train myself to act instantly. One thing I realized on how to beat procrastination is to just tell your mind 'STOP' for one second, get your ass up and start with the task (right before you can think about it), once youre already started, its easy to just go with it.
Also it helps to put a timer, like 30 min timer, once it rings I start doing what I wanted to do. Its really motivating to have a clear cut on 'NOW i have to do it' rather than having a feeling of freedom towards your tasks.
EPT
