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Some of you guys may already know that I have a daughter.
I am 24 y/o, my daughter Lina just had her 2nd birthday. She is a wonderful, calm, beloved child. She was not "planned", it was more a "whoopsie daysies" thing - but after a period back in 2012 where things were absolutely mad (Order of events: dropped out of university "because this shit is boring" (was studying history and philosophy) -> literally 2 weeks later finding out that Lina was on her way), I found almost instantly new work in a software engineering company and things seemed to start going well.
Well. I do not want to go deeply into what happened in the last year. Basically, my now-ex-girlfriend (Lina's mum) did some things that I did not like. So we split up. Then, we had a period of rearranging our relationship, trying to ensure that this would not affect Lina in any way. I had to fight a little bit for more time with Lina (which means I have her on weekends, while she's with her mum mon-fri).
So now, I met a girl. It was supposed to be an easy affair - enjoy certain things that adults do when they are alone, without any feelings attached to it. Simple, clean, fun.
Well. Turns out she's got borderline. My reaction was easy: stop having sex with her. I do want an affair where she and me actually have sex because we enjoy the act, not because of one of us being in an unstable emotional state. I have to admit that having a person that close to me was/is a huge boost in terms of self confidence and simply happiness. I don't want to lose that. On the other hand, I do not want to end up in a somewhat abusive relationship where either I am abusing the fact that she needs someone to hang on to or she is abusing the fact that I do not really want to end up alone currently. I have lots of stress - I'm at the end of my "apprenticeship" to being a software developer, close to my exams. Having a child there on weekends doesn't make it easier.
I seriously see that I am going deeper and deeper into the internet - lots of time spent on Teamliquid, other communities etc - and I see that I am not the person I used to be. I was never the guy going out a lot. I enjoyed some spare time in a bar, but tbh, I am more often serving than taking drinks. Also, I am seriously afraid about failing those exams. I am totally afraid of ending up like many people who get children that early. I'm having motivational problems which sound like a devil's circle: if I am good at something, I love it and instantly become REAL good. But to be good at something, you have to learn it. Even the slightest failure makes me hesitate, makes me feel like "oh screw it you're bad at this stop it".
Even now, with that girl - I do not have any feelings for her. Just a subtle feeling of being responsible for her state of mind. I do not want to push her away simply because I do know that she'd hit the ground hard. I am somewhat of a important person to her, she's relying on me being nice to her. I don't feel like I want to do that. But I do not feel like being able to push her away, too. Argh.
Well, that's it for the moment. Not sure what I expect the comments to be, but maybe someone has some nice idea. I'm thankful for a "keep on bro, you can do it", too  .
  
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keep on bro, you can do it
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gl bro!
Loneliness sucks, but don't let that be the reason to get (or stay) in something unhealthy. Speaking from experience, you're better of lonely than in a potentially abusive situation.
+ Show Spoiler +I actually had a dream last night that reminded me of the mistake I made by getting into a bad relationship - dunno if you believe in coincidence or not...
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1001 YEARS KESPAJAIL22272 Posts
remember the difference between lonely and alone.
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Is it actual borderline or an amateurs judgement?
If it's actual borderline, I would be wary, very wary, of the neurotic, parnoid side which can arise when faced with separation or anything like it, and ask for professional help. (iunno how)
Whatever you do, best of luck.
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On November 10 2014 21:07 Duvon wrote:
Is it actual borderline or an amateurs judgement?
If it's actual borderline, I would be wary, very wary, of the neurotic, parnoid side which can arise when faced with separation or anything like it, and ask for professional help. (iunno how)
Whatever you do, best of luck.
Diagnosed by a professional, yep. That's why I instantly stopped any sexual intercourse and put some distance between us. You're catching the precise problem: I do not have any feelings for her. But I do fear the reaction when I stop any contact and am afraid of her potentially neurotic/paranoid reaction. Also, I feel like I have gone a bit too far to put aside all responsibility and to just let her down. I realized very early what's going on but I refused to instantly cut all contact. Instead we had a lot of talking which seemingly has increased the bonds between us. But it's a one-sided thing, I don't want any of this :/. But I do not want to hurt her, too.
edit for grammar purposes.
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On November 10 2014 21:14 boxerfred wrote:Show nested quote +On November 10 2014 21:07 Duvon wrote:
Is it actual borderline or an amateurs judgement?
If it's actual borderline, I would be wary, very wary, of the neurotic, parnoid side which can arise when faced with separation or anything like it, and ask for professional help. (iunno how)
Whatever you do, best of luck. Diagnosed by a professional, yep. That's why I instantly stopped any sexual intercourse and put some distance between us. You're catching the precise problem: I do not have any feelings for her. But I do fear the reaction when I stop any contact and am afraid of her potentially neurotic/paranoid reaction. Also, I feel like I have gone a bit too far to put aside all responsibility and to just let her down. I realized very soon what's going on but I refused to instantly cut all contact. Instead we had a lot of talking which seems to increased the bonds between us. But it's a one-sided thing, I don't want any of this :/. But I do not want to hurt her, too.
Ugh, looks like a complicated situation then. Best of luck though, you can do it
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Maybe you could talk with her or hint that as of now you don't plan on the relationship lasting that long, so that when/if you do finally want to get "rid" of her she won't feel as broken due to it being less of a surprise, where she can say "I tried". Of course I don't know if even subtly hinting or telling her indirectly or directly is a feasible choice though.
Edit: Oh, didn't know what "borderline" meant. But I do like your thinking of you not wanting either one of you to be abusing the other. Perhaps if the relationship is really bothering you, then end it. If you are still benefiting from it in any way, you can prolong it a bit (but not advance the relationship any closer) so that you're still getting something from it and she still has someone she can be with until she finds someone else she may like more. I don't know =/ But you are really kind for thinking for her like that.
Also, can you elaborate on your mindset? I don't think I've experienced this before, maybe if you can work it out logically then you can eventually change your feelings and have your feeling align more with what you "know" you should feel.
I'm having motivational problems which sound like a devil's circle: if I am good at something, I love it and instantly become REAL good. But to be good at something, you have to learn it. Even the slightest failure makes me hesitate, makes me feel like "oh screw it you're bad at this stop it".
It sounds like you're pretty competent and can don't have trouble learning things. You are saying you become afraid when you hit a failure or have signs of failure because that scares you that you might not be able to become successful with it? Is your life feeling frantic maybe? Perhaps try to prepare yourself mentally that you will probably inevitably hit some failures or walls, but will overcome them with time and effort, and it would actually be unnormal if you didn't have any failures. So when you do make some mistake or have some trouble it doesn't scare or disappoint you and you're ready and motivated to overcome it already. Sort of like "plan for room for error, so you don't get shocked or surprised, and can only feel good when things go smoother than expected" compared to "plan for being perfect, so that if things don't go as expected you will only feel bad"
Just trying to share my thoughts, hope it may help in some way!
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On November 10 2014 22:25 Yoshi Kirishima wrote:
Maybe you could talk with her or hint that as of now you don't plan on the relationship lasting that long, so that when/if you do finally want to get "rid" of her she won't feel as broken due to it being less of a surprise, where she can say "I tried". Of course I don't know if even subtly hinting or telling her indirectly or directly is a feasible choice though.
Also, can you elaborate on your mindset? I don't think I've experienced this more, maybe if you can work it out logically then you can eventually change your feelings and have your feeling align more with what you "know" you should feel.
I am currently going the hard way. I am saying "I do not want to have you as a girlfriend nor a girlfriend in general at any point". I am saying "Do not bond with me too much since to me, our relationship is based on sex and can end any second".
I do not want her to come over to my place anymore but hesitating to end it due to the damage I could cause.
On November 10 2014 22:25 Yoshi Kirishima wrote:Show nested quote +I'm having motivational problems which sound like a devil's circle: if I am good at something, I love it and instantly become REAL good. But to be good at something, you have to learn it. Even the slightest failure makes me hesitate, makes me feel like "oh screw it you're bad at this stop it". It sounds like you're pretty competent and can don't have trouble learning things. You are saying you become afraid when you hit a failure or have signs of failure because that scares you that you might not be able to become successful with it? Is your life feeling frantic maybe? Perhaps try to prepare yourself mentally that you will probably inevitably hit some failures or walls, but will overcome them with time and effort, and it would actually be unnormal if you didn't have any failures. So when you do make some mistake or have some trouble it doesn't scare or disappoint you and you're ready and motivated to overcome it already. Sort of like "plan for room for error, so you don't get shocked or surprised" compared to "plan for being perfect, so that if things don't go as expected you will only feel bad" Just trying to share my thoughts, hope it may help in some way!
Hm.. I'll try to elaborate further on the topic: let's take StarCraft as an example. I'm pretty good at the game for a casual. I feel like I can potentially play Master League anytime I sit down and actually put time and effort into the game. Currently, I'm platinum. So last season, I played roughly 50 games and won 45 of them, easily. But after each game I lost, I instantly ended the game and did not go for another one. Also, after a win streak, I sometimes went offline because I was afraid to lose the next game. You can transfer that almost 1:1 in to real life.
Another example: I developed a rather nice time tracking tool. I was proud of it. But when I was supposed to present it to my supervisor, I actually was so afraid it would all crash and burn, it wasn't rational anymore. So after having a (successful!) presentation, what did I do? I did not implement any of the follow-up improvements that I thought of before. Because I was so fucking afraid of ruining the thing.
Next example: I get a task that is quite difficult. I engage it, start working on it, find some solutions, run into some problems.
As soon as I find a problem that is not easily solvable but instead requires serious investigation, I go like "oh well, there's probably something else that needs to be done". I don't even face the problem in that case but try to delay it as long as possible. Fleeing into excuses and stuff. I think I am doing that because I don't want to face the possibility of failure (that brings us back to the starcraft example: winstreak => possibilty of loss => better stop playing).
It just sucks and is a shitty feeling but I don't really know how to overcome it. I mean, starting a public blog on an esports fan site might not be the best solution but I'm seriously desperate by now.
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On November 10 2014 22:38 boxerfred wrote:Show nested quote +On November 10 2014 22:25 Yoshi Kirishima wrote:
Maybe you could talk with her or hint that as of now you don't plan on the relationship lasting that long, so that when/if you do finally want to get "rid" of her she won't feel as broken due to it being less of a surprise, where she can say "I tried". Of course I don't know if even subtly hinting or telling her indirectly or directly is a feasible choice though.
Also, can you elaborate on your mindset? I don't think I've experienced this more, maybe if you can work it out logically then you can eventually change your feelings and have your feeling align more with what you "know" you should feel.
I am currently going the hard way. I am saying "I do not want to have you as a girlfriend nor a girlfriend in general at any point". I am saying "Do not bond with me too much since to me, our relationship is based on sex and can end any second". I do not want her to come over to my place anymore but hesitating to end it due to the damage I could cause. Show nested quote +On November 10 2014 22:25 Yoshi Kirishima wrote:I'm having motivational problems which sound like a devil's circle: if I am good at something, I love it and instantly become REAL good. But to be good at something, you have to learn it. Even the slightest failure makes me hesitate, makes me feel like "oh screw it you're bad at this stop it". It sounds like you're pretty competent and can don't have trouble learning things. You are saying you become afraid when you hit a failure or have signs of failure because that scares you that you might not be able to become successful with it? Is your life feeling frantic maybe? Perhaps try to prepare yourself mentally that you will probably inevitably hit some failures or walls, but will overcome them with time and effort, and it would actually be unnormal if you didn't have any failures. So when you do make some mistake or have some trouble it doesn't scare or disappoint you and you're ready and motivated to overcome it already. Sort of like "plan for room for error, so you don't get shocked or surprised" compared to "plan for being perfect, so that if things don't go as expected you will only feel bad" Just trying to share my thoughts, hope it may help in some way! Hm.. I'll try to elaborate further on the topic: let's take StarCraft as an example. I'm pretty good at the game for a casual. I feel like I can potentially play Master League anytime I sit down and actually put time and effort into the game. Currently, I'm platinum. So last season, I played roughly 50 games and won 45 of them, easily. But after each game I lost, I instantly ended the game and did not go for another one. Also, after a win streak, I sometimes went offline because I was afraid to lose the next game. You can transfer that almost 1:1 in to real life. Another example: I developed a rather nice time tracking tool. I was proud of it. But when I was supposed to present it to my supervisor, I actually was so afraid it would all crash and burn, it wasn't rational anymore. So after having a (successful!) presentation, what did I do? I did not implement any of the follow-up improvements that I thought of before. Because I was so fucking afraid of ruining the thing. Next example: I get a task that is quite difficult. I engage it, start working on it, find some solutions, run into some problems. As soon as I find a problem that is not easily solvable but instead requires serious investigation, I go like "oh well, there's probably something else that needs to be done". I don't even face the problem in that case but try to delay it as long as possible. Fleeing into excuses and stuff. I think I am doing that because I don't want to face the possibility of failure (that brings us back to the starcraft example: winstreak => possibilty of loss => better stop playing). It just sucks and is a shitty feeling but I don't really know how to overcome it. I mean, starting a public blog on an esports fan site might not be the best solution but I'm seriously desperate by now.
sounds like you have some anxiety issues, anxiety of failing specifically, just keep in mind the anxiety is mostly irrational, do what you must do.
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keep on bro, you can do it xD
seriously GL man!
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you are gonna get gone girled so hard
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On November 11 2014 00:38 QuanticHawk wrote:
you are gonna get gone girled so hard
I don't get that
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On November 11 2014 01:20 boxerfred wrote:Show nested quote +On November 11 2014 00:38 QuanticHawk wrote:
you are gonna get gone girled so hard I don't get that
Book/film about some woman who frames her ex for rape and kills her husband or something like that.
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None of my siblings were planned, in fact when before my father knew I was en route, he was after a fishing boat. To this day he tells me, "I am glad you weren't a boat."
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So did you actually see her condition come to light? Or did she just tell you about it?
Sounds like you have a lot going on and anxious enough already. If you don't want to see her at all I would just make the conversation more about your short term goals, and how what was supposed to be care-free is now causing anxiety for you. I wouldn't make it all about her condition. After all, you only wanted to have sex with her in the first place, no reason to knock an already struggling person down further.
In all honesty, you should be focusing on yourself and the future for your child, there is no need to feel anxious about that! Embrace it and do your best with the internship, and you feel a lot better knowing you gave it your all. I grew up a really anxious person so I feel like I can relate, it wasn't till I was about your age, 24 or 25, that I started dealing with it better. My Dad always told me "thinking screws up the whole system", and I believe it. Once I started confronting things head-on instead of letting things fester in my head, I became a lot more productive and overall a more positive person.
Best of luck xD
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I hate the fact that DSM still calls it borderline.
Good luck with everything ~
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I didn't know that borderline was an official term for a personality disorder. Good luck man, stay strong for your daughter.
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Have you considered developing a friendship with her? If you want someone around so you don't feel lonely and she needs a nice guy, sounds like you'd make good friends. I've heard that sometimes no-string affairs are psychologically detrimental and I wonder if it more healing for the both of you if you added a non-romantic friendship layer to the affair.
Edit: So I googled BPD (and am thus an expert now, heh) and from what I read it sounds like the no-strings affair is definitely bad for her. The rapid change between close physical intimacy (and perhaps for her a sense of love/belonging?) to being just another girl can't be easy on someone suffering from severe self image problems and fear of abandonment.
I reaffirm my opinion. A relationship like yours that develops into a friendship (and need not go farther if you don't want) would be a very healing relationship to be a part of.
Edit2: Btw, regarding the job concern, work hard and apply yourself, then do your best. You'll do fine. Worrying won't help you improve your work or your chances at all, and you'll actually be devoting a lot brain power to a situation that isn't going to happen that you could use to be better prepared for your exam.
GL, HF, win life.
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I dated an insane girl that was bonkers for 2 years , and she still calls / texts me every day to come back, it is hard not to bro, that borderline lovin is good.
Keep on keepin on
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Well, I have a daughter too, 5 year old. Since she was born I've never had a drop of doubt about what's important in my life. It's this child's happiness. Her mom, me, all the other people, my dad, my mom, my brother - we all come second to my daughter's health and happiness.
So from my point of view, you don't have a dilemma and it's crystal clear - take care of your child whenever you are with her, study for your exams and keep your job. Also, let go of that crazy chick, she seems just an anchor dragging you down. What future do you have with her? If the answer is "No future at all!" you just have to tell her and live on.
That's my two cents.
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My dad has borderline, raised 4 kids, and then destroyed his family.
We are now poor as fuck and my life could not be worse (speaking as one of the kids).
Keep on going son 
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How did you get a network software job with no papers?
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Realtionships tend to get deeper and deeper, if you are concerned with her state of mind maybe its better to split in the long run, she is not going to "unborderline" because you are nice to her.
Just make sure to not be a douche.
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On November 11 2014 20:45 hymn wrote:
Well, I have a daughter too, 5 year old. Since she was born I've never had a drop of doubt about what's important in my life. It's this child's happiness. Her mom, me, all the other people, my dad, my mom, my brother - we all come second to my daughter's health and happiness.
So from my point of view, you don't have a dilemma and it's crystal clear - take care of your child whenever you are with her, study for your exams and keep your job. Also, let go of that crazy chick, she seems just an anchor dragging you down. What future do you have with her? If the answer is "No future at all!" you just have to tell her and live on.
That's my two cents.
I'm gonna go with this. This is straight up. I guess I'll man up!
On November 11 2014 23:53 MarlieChurphy wrote:
How did you get a network software job with no papers?
I simplified. It's an apprenticeship (german model of learning a job).
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Regarding the borderline girlfriend: "Exit Gracefully"
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On November 12 2014 05:52 meadbert wrote:
Regarding the borderline girlfriend: "Exit Gracefully"
That's also some sound advice. Wouldn't work for me though. When I am done with people I just go and tell them I don't want to see them anymore and that's it, I don't explain myself further. I know I've severed some probably important connections this way but I am at peace with myself this way.
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Thanks everyone for the advice. TBH, I think the best thing was to write this stuff down to realize what's going on. That helped a lot already. I feel way better than a few days ago .
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Having read the blog I think you're a genuinely good person for not only realizing the best course of action in a rational sense but actually going for them and not letting yourself get blindsided with what's nice in the short term, as well as caring for everyone involved. Good on you man.
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So whoever cares (and I hope someone does) - I ended it. I feel sad now but I think I understand the difference that lichter mentioned.
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some thoughts: (I've read the whole thread)
1. As others have already stated, your child's happiness should be the most important thing for you. No matter what you do and who's on your side, always ask yourself if it's good for the child. Of course, you should not overprotect your little girl from stuff you do in your life, but kids surely realize if something is wrong in their parents' life. I've had a pretty fucked up childhood due to my dad having severe problems with gambling addiction and alcohol. Luckily, he fixed it, but the damage was done. The main reason I'm telling you this is because everything might not have turned out that complicated if he hadn't hidden parts of his life from me, my brothers and my mother. So whatever you do: Be honest to yourself and the people close to you. Lying never helps.
2. A friend of mine dated a borderline girl once, they were together for about 3 years. She was always very quiet and "invisible" when she was around, but as far as I know, she had quite the influence on my friend's life. Every human being is different, but I think you did the right thing by ending the relationship with that girl of yours. My friend also chose to stop dating his girlfriend, because she had tried to get pregnant without his agreement. (After he had left her, she even tried to "fake" pregnancy...he went through some weeks of serious mindfuck.) There's no reason for you to feel responsible for her, if you don't want your life to be affected by her personality. This might sound harsh, but YOU are the one who's in charge of most decisions in your life. Of course, she will feel pretty terrible right now, and I really hope that she won't do anything stupid like my friend's ex. But you did the right thing.
3. Regarding the anxiety issues: Your explanation of your fears sounded quite familiar to me. I also had to deal with similar problems between 18 and 24. After that, I slowly managed to get a firm grip on my life by forcing myself to choose and act. Start out with small projects, don't try something that's overwhelmingly huge, because the danger of getting scared of failure increases with the amount of effort and time you've put in. The only important thing is to complete whatever you're doing. SC2 example: If you're getting scared of losing while being on a long win streak, open up notepad and write down a number which is equal to about 40% of the games you totally play per season. This number is the number of "allowed losses". As long as you're below that number, losing is okay. If the number of losses surpasses the threshold, take a break from playing. Once you return, increase the number.
GL to you. Win life!
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EPT
