They have all vanished, moved on, or otherwise distanced themselves from what made them who they were in years past. Most of them, their names forgotten by all but the oldest, will never be heard of ever again. Those who remain only do so as ghosts, phantoms that scarcely hold ties to the world they were once a part of, and only through indirect means.

I am the last modder of my communities to remain active in custom content, voice acting, and related elements to this day. RCX dabbles somewhat, but actively is arguable. Besides us, I know of no other who has even attempted a project in many years. I receive assistance here and there from old names. But of that era? When all was gold and promise? Nay. A new era has taken hold.

Even those who once lead entire divisions of voice actors have yet to pick up a microphone to aspire to such an end for half a decade or more.

Time is not kind to man. Those who were once teens, young and full of energy, aspiring to great potential within the world of iscript and arsenal, have long lost the desire to create. They are now in their late 20's and 30's, pursuing romance and careers.

Not I.

While it is true I would never be able to harbor romance or pursue a career even if I had desired such things, they were forever beyond the realm that I so aspired to. Dreaming, and creating those dreams, is and always has been in my blood.

A year of utter hell is behind me. Months in bed, near death from pneumonia, endless months of sleep cast aside as I fought feverishly to save the life of one of my cats, eviction and long hours of menial, thankless work, and then more cat problems. A mind overburdened with stress and anxiety taken above and beyond its limits. I was broken, and yearned so for death I did.

But, alas. Such was not a path available to me. A year has passed since the trials began, and the aftermath will effect me for all my years to come, however few there may be. Even now, amidst my darkest hours, I am still trying to forge something.

I am the last one standing. The last survivor of an era of prosperity. I, and I alone, hold the banner of dreamer and creator so. Though my history is marked only in failure after failure, that I stand now is testimony to the devotion no other man can claim they had.

I am close to completing my current project. A nearly 3 hour radioplay variant of Black Sun: Retribution. I am gazing starwards, considering of my uncertain future. To claim I am a modder now would be silly. I am something different. I am caught between the boundaries of potential, unable to take command of any single element. The instability of my life has only further deepened that entropy, unraveling predictability into hysteria.

It is a sobering experience, staring upon a nearly completed work. Only a handful of people will care to experience it, and fewer yet will understand it. It does not matter to me. I created it for myself, something entirely unthinkable to the modern era's casual map-oriented audience. The world has changed, decayed, and left me behind. For this, I am thankful. The solace is heartwarming. But it also serves to remind me that my efforts are universally in vain.

As always, it is to live in that one moment, that one moment of balance between potency and madness, that I desire. I desire merely to be free of stress and anxiety. A desire I have pursued all my waking life. But I can never attain that moment, and I fear that even if I did, I wouldn't be able to lose myself in it. Too much has happened. Experiences cannot be forgotten. Fate cannot be changed. I have realized that I simply cannot attain that moment. All I can try to do is dull out the sensations of the world around me. Busying myself achieves that to a degree, provided I can focus. But I have devised another means to reach this end.

Daydreaming.

I have become adept at daydreaming, closing my eyes and losing myself amongst distance worlds and sounds. Time flies when I do this, and so I do it often - whenever I can't focus on my work.

Perhaps this is as good as things can get. I should be thankful that, at least, I'm not on the street yet. I might be next year. You never know how things might go. You only know they get worse. How much worse is up to the God of RNG. Flip a coin, pick a card. What will fuck up today?

For now? Not much. Time has stilled. I am thankful. I needed that moment to catch my breath. But what of tomorrow? I try not to think or care of tomorrow. I think of now.

I need two outsourcees to finish their voice requests. I need to polish some timings, volumes, add some SFX, so on so forth. Then I can release it on CC. Then I can stop caring. Stop caring about everything. Until the next day. What will that day bring? I don't know. I dream of the UDK, of Unreal 4, and one day doing something worth my time. So I have dreamed, for years and years. But I know such a thing cannot come. Not unless I figure out how to take command.

But I am the last one standing. If I can conquer time, then surely I can conquer myself. Can't I? My dreams drive my motion, and so forward I stride. Tomorrow may never come, but I must not fear. Tomorrow need not come. All I need is that moment. That one moment. Strike at the moment, pierce the heavens, and take command. That is what I must do. That is what I must become. I carry their memories with me, the dreams and hopes they long abandoned to the wind. I am the embodiment of the will to create, and create I shall, or I shall die trying.

It is not death that I fear. Only losing sight of those dreams. Losing sight of who and what I am.