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This is just some thoughts I've been having. Most of it is going to be disjointed ramblings.
I've been having a lot of trouble keeping myself motivated lately. I continually find my mood to be apathetic and indifferent towards whatever I intend to accomplish. It has been a problem for a while actually, but it's starting to impact my ability to achieve things more significantly in recent weeks.
I use public transport a lot. Interestingly enough, last week I got into the habit of playing Sudoku on my phone on the bus. I figured I'd rather be solving a puzzle instead of staring out the window pretending to be in a movie. While playing Sudoku I noticed that my desire to keep solving puzzle after puzzle has nothing to do with my motivation. The feeling of constantly itching closer and closer to the solution of a number puzzle kept me from stopping. I didn't think about why I wanted to solve another puzzle, or what I intend to achieve through solving the puzzles. It was just the numbers and a mechanical process filling them in.
Yesterday a friend gave me a link to an incremental game. The aim in an incremental game is to increase the rate at which a number grows. Some games feature neat stories, others feature achievements and upgrades. Cookie Clicker is an example of one of the best incremental games (Click at your own risk). I ended up binging on 4 simultaneous incremental games at the same time for almost 6 hours just to watch the numbers grow. No fancy end game or any plans to build on my accomplishments within those games. Motivation wasn't a factor here either.
Today I wanted to experiment a bit so I decided to play online chess. I recorded every move in every game I played and made them into a list of what moves would lead to the best situation. I continued playing for about 10 games without getting bored. It felt like I had just discovered a new super power. I can do things without being motivated to do them, and still get some sort of high doing them.
I already do a lot of things to prevent myself from falling into the vicious cycle of apathy: I go to the gym; I'm learning to play guitar; I'm learning new programming languages; I'm learning a new foreign language; I'm learning to play better StarCraft; I'm discovering new music; I go out with friends a lot more; Read; etc...
It's a list of things that's always on my mind. Always something to keep me busy. But in the end one question still remains: why bother? What's the point of doing any of this? Isn't it easier to just sit back and stare at nothing, doing nothing, thinking nothing? Isn't nothing easier than doing something? Why should I make the effort?
Sometimes I can't find a reason to do things, so I don't. I feel like that's the problem - the fact that I NEED a reason to do something. From the Sudoku example before, I didn't think about why I should play Sudoku, I just did, because the alternative is nothing. Whether something is easier or not has no bearing on whether I want to do it. I have the opportunity to experience something other than nothing, and the urge to seize that opportunity is what should drive me.
We surround ourselves with symbols. Everything is a representation of something greater than its physical appearance. Money is just pieces of paper that humanity has universally agreed to accept as something of value. Family is just a bunch of people with whom you've coincidentally been attached to and subconsciously believe that you should care for just because of the situation you've been put in. Free will is our belief that we are consciously in control of the result of physical reactions within our head (unless you believe that brains are not bound by the laws of physics).
Sometimes I feel as if these symbols are worn down and the world becomes a much duller place. Life loses value. I lose value. My actions lose significance. Emotion doesn't matter. The only reason to keep on living is because other people care about me.
This is a thought that I'm always struggling with. Every time I embark on a journey to accomplish something, there's always this darkness lurking in a corner of my head telling me that it doesn't matter anyway. I'm refused the joy of accomplishment.
This makes it really hard to achieve long term goals. Most prominently - school. I don't have a solution for this problem yet, but I'm working on it. It's ironic that I'm actually motivated to solve this problem, of all problems. I look forward towards the day where I can appreciate my own hard work.
Hopefully this wasn't too much of a downer. Just felt like putting my thoughts to words for myself to get a feel for my own situation.
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Emotion doesn't matter. The only reason to keep on living is because other people care about me.
Here's my take. Emotion is all that matters. Maybe the infiiniteness of the universe has no sentience to care about your emotions or your thoughts but in the end that's all that you can prove are real.
In addition, when you go up on top of a 2 story diving board, I think you'll change your opinion on whether emotions matter regardless of how much of a nihilist you are. You exist and your emotions should not be trivialized. This type of thinking is called existentialism, something I'm sure you've heard of. Even people who believe in predetermination look both ways when they cross the street.
I already do a lot of things to prevent myself from falling into the vicious cycle of apathy: I go to the gym; I'm learning to play guitar; I'm learning new programming languages; I'm learning a new foreign language; I'm learning to play better StarCraft; I'm discovering new music; I go out with friends a lot more; Read; etc...
I think this is a lot already. Personally I'd cut back and try to be happy with it.
As for achievement in school, I don't know myself how to achieve this. In hindsight after high school, all my grades and problems in high school seemed so trivial. The F in spanish homework on my interim report in 7th grade wasn't such a big deal that I needed to worry about and try to hide. The random farting in class next to cute girls was something I should have just dealt with by going to the bathroom often. I cared too much about what others thought of me too. Had I gotten slightly higher on my SAT maybe I'd have gotten a scholarship and free tuition to some school which could greatly change my life for the better, but as Frost's Poem, The Road Not Taken, says, you don't really know which path is better. No matter how much you try to convince yourself that one decision has made all the difference. So just do what you feel is right and try not to regret too much your past mistakes in school. You did what you could with the information at hand. This is how I try to approach college now, and life in general.
I also try to keep myself accountable online so I can do things for school.
I didn't really read the rest. Just skimmed.
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I'm in university right now, going into my second year. The only reason I haven't dropped out yet is because I get a stipend every month to attend and a sum of money to buy school supplies which I'd have to pay back. It's better than getting a job. I like my line of study but I can't bring myself to perform well or even care about my performance.
In addition, when you go up on top of a 2 story diving board, I think you'll change your opinion on whether emotions matter regardless of how much of a nihilist you are. You exist and your emotions should not be trivialized. This type of thinking is called existentialism, something I'm sure you've heard of. Even people who believe in predetermination look both ways when they cross the street.
When I said that my emotions don't matter I meant that in the scope of the grand scheme of things. As you said, the universe doesn't care about your emotions. But I obviously can't deny the existence of emotions, it's my second most basic instigator after instinct. People make decisions based on emotions. Emotions are the reason irrationality exists. The problem is what kind of emotions will my experiences produce. When the symbols start to wear down, the intensity of my emotions feels dumbed down, like a light bulb with just enough power to show that it's on, but not enough to be able to read a book in its light.
So just do what you feel is right and try not to regret too much your past mistakes in school.
Doing what I feel is right most of the time means doing nothing to me. It's not about how much my decisions impact my future, it's about making those decisions in the first place.
I might take a while to reply again since it's almost 6am here and I've gotta go to sleep. Thanks for taking the time to read at least some of what I wrote and form an opinion and a reply.
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Nothing matters. Nothing has to matter though, at least not on a grand scale.
In my experience, and in my observations, I've come to the conclusion that you get to decide what matters. Focus on the small stuff, be happy with your finite existence without looking for ethereal meaning.
You got promoted to Diamond League? Fuck yeah!
You binged the entire A Song of Ice and Fire series in a week and a half? Hell yeah! Good for you: if that made you happy, that shit matters!
But that's all that matters. Meaning is what you make of it, meaning can only be found on the small-scale, personal, visceral level. That's my two cents.
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But that's all that matters. Meaning is what you make of it, meaning can only be found on the small-scale, personal, visceral level.
Honestly, that's the best thing I've heard in a while. Thanks.
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I remember being aimless. Heard Tolstoy wrote a book concerning this exact issue. I think he said it was like dangling on a vine over an abyss. Every joy is some small drop of honeydew that is meant to basically divert your attention from the fact that you're over an abyss. He said most people can do this, but he couldn't. Read to the end to learn he eventually succumbed to religion to ease his pain. Da fuq dude. I liked the Death of Ivan Ilyich though.
It's what you make out of it. In the grand scheme everything doesn't matter. All those great men in the past who thought they were the shit in the past? Nothing but dust now. All those ideals you reach for? Subjective dribble. Accumulation of wealth? Useless once you die. Search for knowledge and wisdom? A high school kid knows more than Aristotle who dedicated his life to the same pursuit.
But despite all this, I found one thing that has given me an endless amount of energy and sense of purpose. Death.
Death empowers me. The actual knowledge that this is all going to be gone motivates me to act. And I mean actually feeling and understanding it's going to be gone. Most of my own concerns and problems disappeared once this happened. It's all so fucking petty in comparison. I am always confused when people say there's no point because you die. For me it's the exact opposite, purpose exists because of that very fact. Now I just can't get enough of life.
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Physician
United States4146 Posts
"me, me, me & me.."
That's actually a well intentioned hint, pointing to the solution to your current dilemma since I can't actually call it a problem..
Everyday, don't think about yourself so much but rather the little needs of others, from helping the elderly cross the road, getting food to those that need it, to volunteering to any cause you have immediate access too and there is a need, there are many, don't get overwhelmed, start small, build it up.. You will quickly realize that fretting about your apathy and motivation will dissipate into the nonsense were it belongs while meaning and true purpose will arise..
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To be honest I've always used others as an excuse to give meaning to what I do. I exist because of others, whatever I do will impact not only myself but the people around me. In the end it's what keeps me alive, because I know that otherwise I would be letting others down.
I am in a local youth volunteer organization that sends volunteers abroad, lending a hand to people in need. The only reason I didn't go this year was mostly because I had other plans for the summer. I plan to go next year. I volunteer at my old church school sometimes whenever they need help setting up 3 to 7 day live-ins because of the great atmosphere and the positive attitudes of everyone involved. I'm no longer religious but I respect the church-men (Brothers, Fathers, etc) enough to try and repay whatever role they played in my formation as a growing adult.
The apathy comes and goes and I don't feel like I have much control over it. I just accept it as 'one of those days'. I try to come up with reasons for why I become apathetic to prevent myself from falling back into the vicious cycle of self-pity (and this frustrates me to no end since there's not much in my life to pity in comparison to others who actually deserve pity).
I'm feeling more motivated now than when I wrote the original post, maybe it's because I met with friends over the weekend, or maybe it's because I'm satisfied with what I managed to study. Maybe it's because I helped my mom out with her own studies, or maybe it's because I tried to fix my friend's PC problems. I don't really have concrete reasons for why, as I said, I've come to just accept it as it comes.
In my opinion it's not something that can be discussed concretely since a lot of terms are subjective. This probably comes off as really pretentious and I don't expect you to take me seriously, but thanks for discussing it anyways.
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EPT
