Chill music to accompany you ^^
Ah, the scentless smell of particles in the air of my hometown that trigger my allergies. I'm back again. I moved from Thailand to study highschool in the US and now I'm still in college there. Every year, I come back for the summer and, with so much free time, I sometimes find myself reflecting on my experiences. Naturally, I spend more time thinking about things I have lost more than what I have gained. What if I stayed in Thailand, what would become of me? I ask myself during those nights that you can't seem to fall asleep. The missed experiences I fantasize sometimes feel like a splinter in my heart, causing a small, yet irritating discomfort.
Meh, the previous tone sounds too serious. Don't worry, I'm not that salty about it ^^ You guys probably wonder where's the girl. Well, I feel I have to give some background before that. I make this blog mostly for self reflection and organizing my thoughts anyway, so this won't totally be focused on a girl. For those who expect some epic girl blog, you just got meta-ed
I'm not really a sociable person, even back when I was at school in Thailand. Still, I managed to have some close good friends and have bros to play dota with. Man, I was such a noob at dota back then (and I'm still am), but playing 5v5 lan games where you know everyone so that you can shit talk across the monitor was so awesome. Then, I have to starting finding friends from scratch again in the US. Simple formula: foreign language + reluctance to socialize = not many friends made. Almost every day for four years, after school or after the chess club's over, I just come back home and play videogame for the rest of the day. The change of each year is a game of focus: Red Alert 3 -> LoL beta -> SC2 -> dota 2.
Not sure if I should be proud of this..
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2 Pro 4 U #MLG420
So what have I gained from coming here? Certainly not as much as the bullshit I wrote for my college application essay (claiming that my growing appreciation for spicy food correlates with how much I “spice up” my life lolol) . Academically, I have a much easier time than what I would have to go through in Thailand. Although my school is a decent private Catholic school, classes here, except AP classes, are a joke. I don't even consider myself a good student, and I probably would just barely pass highschool if I haven't come here. The only redeemable academic skill I gain is probably writing, which is good because now I find it much easier to write eloquently in English than in Thai (in Thai, there's no punctuation and the pronoun is fucked up). Socially, not as much as I'd like. I'm still in contact with only one friend out of highschool. But he's the closest friend I have and we're rooming together in college, so I got that going for me, which is nice.
Now, here comes a fun part: what have I lost? Let’s start with the obvious, most of my friends. After I moved, I barely put in much efforts to stay in contact with them. I was not active on a social media site and didn't go on MSN much. When I get back during the summer, I don't get to hang out with my friends much because they would be busy with school. Now, there is only a couple of old friends I still remain in contact. Of course, friendship drifts apart all the time, I get that.
Let’s go deeper: interesting school experience. As much as I enjoyed waiting for a bus in a blizzard and walking almost a mile to school in 12 inches of snow when that bus misses my stop, it did not make me grow as a person (besides being more resistant to cold and have hatred for buses). In my Thai highschool, the junior class has an obligation to come up with their own student council and manages school events/activities for a year. It's like doing those school festivals you see on anime, but you have to do it every couple months and only your class is responsible for it. You get to force 7th graders to stay after school and make sure they learn the school’s cheer songs...
... let me go off on a tangent to talk about that a little bit. The task is done rather militaristically. So, the background coordinator comes to make sure the students are seated properly and then calls in the other staffs. The staffs include 2 instructors, 6 commenters, and 4 yellers to take care the class of around 40 students. Besides teaching the songs, instructors also act as a good cop, giving a much needed positive support to counter balance the other 2 parties. After the students finish singing a song, commenters raise their hand waiting for their turn to give any negative criticisms or sarcastic remarks they can find. You think a job to talk shit to freshman is awesome.. there's more. During and right after students sing a song, the yellers (aptly named Warg staff in Thai) would yell at the top of their lungs to make students sing/clap louder and more rhythmically, or just shout strait up commenting on how much they suck. Man, I would pay for a job to yell at people. There's not much resentment, of course. The freshman understands that the ordeal is an act set up to make sure they know the school's songs and for the student council to demonstrate their authority.
Getting back on track, you also get to manage important school events like hiking Doi Suthep, intramural sports, and senior farewell day. Participating in the event is one thing, managing it is a different beast. For example, in the hike, you have to deal with logistics (clearing the hike trials before the event, having staffs stationed with food/water/medicine at each resting points, making sure there's enough food and refreshments at the destination) and entertainment (ensuring that the opening ceremony is fun and there's stuff to do at the destination). The hike event has always been a success. I have gone to the hike 3 times and it's always well worth the legs pain in the next day. The sense of comradery among classmates as they work together till sunrise. The increase social skill with a plethora of leadership opportunities/obligations. Those are things I don't really get to experience in US highschool. At least I was a chess team captain and, sure, I could have joined many clubs and tried hard to gain position in the student council. But that's not in my character; remember, I'm not that sociable. And you don't get the feeling of a class effort like you would get in my Thai highschool anyway.
I guess that's enough about my missed highschool experiences. Let us divine on a more important subject...... No, not the girl yet. It's music. I started taking group piano lessons since I was five. Despite my lack of practice, I've gotten half decent. A few months before I went to the US, my instructor even said it's a shame because she wants to put me in a competition. Well, I don't really touch the piano again after that........and I can't care less. I'm not gonna bore you with my lack of passion in music. Why the fuck did I troll you with piano then? Well, that's how I met the girl.
Start the feel train. Though, my story's no way as emotional.
Remember I mention I didn't make an effort to contact my friends in Thailand much? There's one anomaly. During my freshman year, I received an unexpected e-mail. It was from a girl in my piano class, let's call her Felicity. The e-mail was unexpected because I didn't even talk to her in the music school that much. She was more like an acquaintance than a friend. Still, she was very friendly in her e-mail, like asking for advice about how to deal with her crush and write her story in such great details (she would write couple paragraphs compared to my 5 sentences reply). I enjoyed reading through and replying to her e-mail, of course. The drama's always fun and interesting when it does not involve you. From then, we exchanged e-mail monthly. When I got back, I paid her a visit at the music school a couple times. Nothing serious.
Things escalated a bit when she introduced me to skype on my last semester of highschool. We then talked weekly, with me waking up a bit earlier to catch her before she goes to bed. Of course, she did most of the talking while I made agreeable noises and multitask with TL. From time to time, she would request me to do some cute stuff like don't hang up a call till she's asleep. Since I was on TL anyway, I didn't see any harm in that. When I got back for the summer before I go to college, we got to hangout more often. She just started her senior year. In Thailand, your grades in the senior year don't matter much because everyone has to focus on doing well on a more intense SAT style tests which expect you to retain all the information you've learned since your 8th grade (thank god, I didn't have to go through that). The teachers understand that, so they mostly just prepare you for the test and don't really mind if you skip some bullshit classes like a knitting class. So, Felicity got the time and, since her highschool is in walking distance to my house (it's the same highschool I attended), she could just walk over to hangout. When we were together, she showed many obvious indication of interest like cuddling with me in bed and stuff. I didn't follow up on it though. I went back to college without kissing her and we were still friends. It was not that I didn't like her. She's pretty cute, studious, and caring; she hits a lot of checkmarks of qualities I would want from a girl. Still, I didn't follow up on it because I thought a quick summer fling doesn't worth a risk of friendship. A long distance relationship with no promises to really be together for at least 4 years just doesn't seem to be sustainable.
So I went back for my freshman year in college. Classes were simple enough except Calc III and chem being a bitch. Felicity and I continued to weekly with some flirting here and there. As expected, I remained true to my unsociable self and made only one new close friend. But, with having a few close friends, even an increase by one is a lot, so I'm somewhat satisfied. I didn't find anyone that interests me as much as Felicity, though (mostly because of my inexperience in picking up girls). I guess when one is lonely, he looks to the closest person. I get infatuated over her. And going against my previous judgment, I tell her I like her and maybe we should try things out. She agrees (I guess she was lonely too lol). So, we just talk really sweet to each other and I make an effort to be on skype a bit more during my last 3 months of school before summer. I enjoy every bits of it.
The honeymoon period quickly ends. When I get back for for the summer, Felicity just starts her freshman year. With intense classes (she majors law) and many mandatory freshman initiation events, she can't find time to come hang out like last year. We still talk frequently, but every passing week I feel we're becoming more and more distant. Normally she would talk 70% of the time; now, I have to try hard to keep the conversation interesting. Weeks passes by after I arrived and we don't even get too see each other face to face yet. I offer to go visit her college but she discourages me, saying she doesn't have time between classes. I get quite frustrated. There's no way you can be that busy; if you really wanna see someone, you can make time for it, I thought. We eventually get to hang out. There was no spark like last year and, since I was inexperienced with girls in general, I could not sexually escalate. We hugged and said good bye. By that point, I knew it's over. Not a major heartbreak, but I still felt kinda shitty. After I get back to the US, we mutually agree to end the relationship and just stay as friends. We still talk every other week and she still asks for my comment about guys she's interested. This summer, she finally gets a decent boyfriend, and I feel happy for her. I just hung out with her last week, actually. It was fun. Everything's good.
That concludes the story of a desperate guy reminiscing his past (I should put that in a tldr lol). Looking back, I do come off as desperate to Felicity. I should have either gone yolo and kissed her that summer, betting that our friendship would survive the inevitable break up so I won't have any regrets, or stayed firm in my judgment and approached other girls. Oh well, gg; I'll do better next game.
So, by coming to the US, I've lost lots of friends, interesting school experiences, and a chance to complete an anime-like childhood friend romance fantasy (not to mention, a lot of my parents' money). Regrettable losses, perhaps. But I learn a lot in the process. I'm a lazy, complacent fuck. Through out my life I always do the most minimal possible just to get by. For the anime folks, I was like the main character from Hyouka. I have my standard to try a bit to get atleast A's or B's in school, but I never put in more work than I have to and overachieve. If I've stayed in Thailand, my path would've been set without me putting in much efforts (except cramming for tests like a motherfucker); a relatively fun highschool life, a reputable college right next to my house, and maybe a stable relationship. However, should I be okay with just always going with the flow? Well, that route I abandon might've been a good one, but now I'm forced to step up and choose my own route. America is the land of opportunity and only the determined can get the most out of it. Realizing how much I've sacrificed, I will work harder, better, faster, stronger. I will try hard to be the best version of myself.
Sometimes, the romantic side of me asks "What if I stayed in Thailand, what would become of me?" I know what I've sacrificed. I know what I've gained. So, my answer is: fuck that thought and be awesome instead.
BioShock Infinite spolier
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Who knows; Maybe I might have become Comstock lol.
For those who have read to this point, thanks for taking the time to read my long ass blog. I'm sorry to mislead you with a "Girl blog" tag, as this blog turns to 50% glorifying my school, 30% contemplation, and 20% girl (and the girl part is rather disappointing). I really appreciate your patient. Feel free to make any comments or share your story. If you still want a fulfillment of reading a good girl blog, I would like to direct you to a hilarious one and an emotional one.
tl;dr: Race switched from protoss to terran. Game is hard, but more satisfying.