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I am astounded by this buffet, but sadly not for the right reasons. Last year the buffet was good, but obviously it needed improvement. There are plenty of other buffets and the only way to get to the zenith of buffets and stay there is by continuing to expand the horizons of just what a buffet can and should be. It takes more than a tablecloth, some doilies and paper plates. It takes vision.
Last year that surprise falafel was a gamble that paid off, that much was clear. I am really glad they brought the falafel back this year because I was all over it last time. At first I was super sceptical because normally I don’t think falafel has a place but it was so well made and such a professionally made falafel I was proven wrong, and happily so. I heard a whispered rumour the falafel was going to be accompanied by five different kinds of hummus. Colour me excited!
Overall, however, this year I am concerned and a little angry. What the hell are they thinking with this buffet? Frankly I got ninety-nine problems with this buffet. And an Onion Bhajji IS one.
Firstly what the hell is this “bhajji” thing? It’s called an Onion Bhajji but it should be renamed Gross Ball of Onions and Shit. I’ve heard about this thing but I’ve never actually seen one and I had no idea it would be cropping up here at this buffet. Some people are even saying they are delighted to see the bhajji here. Seriously? What’s wrong with just having sausage rolls? What about dips and potato crisps? Why do they have to let this vile foreign muck near the buffet? I realise I said the same thing about falafel last year but lightning never strikes a buffet twice. Not an indoor one anyway.
I also heard they aren’t bringing ANY kind of spicy bean salsa. This has been the year of spicy bean salsa. If there’s a condiment that’s worked harder this year to be relevant, delicious and daring it’s spicy bean salsa and to see it excluded….well…I wouldn’t be surprised if whichever smart company makes the salsa decided to take their business elsewhere.
Just who is catering this thing? Bhajjis, and no salsa. Someone explain that one to me, please!
Which brings me to this giant chocolate cake. I tell you what – if you want a free ride to a buffet, being a giant chocolate cake has to be the easiest way. Never mind all the other far more delicious cakes, the giant chocolate cake just has to shake it’s icing covered arse at the buffet organisers and BOOM – all the other kinds of cake which are FAR less showy and have way more depth to them get left out to make room for this motherfucker of a confection.
Sure there are the usual staples at this buffet – miniature sandwiches, canapés, crudités, and quiche (as boring as it can be, we do need quiche or it’s not a buffet in my book) round out the table nicely. There’s a nice selection of vegetarian stuff as well which is fine, I understand the need to cater to those people although I’ll never understand how they can avoid tucking into a cocktail sausage with pineapple and cheese.
Still, it takes all sorts of people to make a buffet I guess.
However, that still leaves us with these maddening decisions. I’ve heard from a lot of people that the cake and the bhajjis are going to go down really well but those people are clearly wrong. I know buffets. I’ve been eating buffet food all over the World for about a decade and if there’s one thing life has taught me it’s this – big chocolate cakes, onion bhajjis and a lack of spicy bean salsa is a recipe for a terrible buffet.
If you cooked that recipe you’d open the oven to find a steaming turd. Imagine laying that turd out on the buffet table beneath a giant cloche. Lift that cloche up to reveal a giant steaming turd with dips. My imaginary reaction to that turd is the same real life reaction I had when I heard about the b***jis (I can’t bring myself to type it anymore) and the hate cake.
I’m thinking of cancelling my ticket but I probably won’t because I heard they were thinking of doing those miniature versions of food like a tiny burger and chips and a tiny fish and chips and a tiny pizza. I mean that sounds good to me. I can almost pretend that the b***jis and so on aren’t really there. I just hope they put all that shit I don’t like down one end of the table and I can hang out at the other. That would just about rescue this appalling sounding buffet.
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Braavos36401 Posts
Is this about TI4 I can't parse through this sarcasm / satire.
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Draskyl = spicy bean salsa confirmed
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Needs a key or a version in plain speak. Probably very interesting if you can understand it
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Interesting that PFlax has been registered here since Augustus 2013 and makes his first post only today. And what a post Oo
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United Kingdom8 Posts
On June 12 2014 21:56 Laurens wrote:
Interesting that PFlax has been registered here since Augustus 2013 and makes his first post only today. And what a post Oo
he's been posting on teamliquid.net instead. 
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Northern Ireland22212 Posts
Have you never had an Indian in Britain? How do you not know what an onion bhaji is? Fockin trench
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Buffet is TI4, falafel is Kaci , the onion thing is Kpoptosis I guess...Capitalist is spicy bean salsa,and everything else is not really that relevant.
You're welcome.
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On June 12 2014 22:28 Javus wrote:
Buffet is TI4, falafel is Kaci , the onion thing is Kpoptosis I guess...Capitalist is spicy bean salsa,and everything else is not really that relevant.
You're welcome.
Onion thing = could be Lysander / Blitz
Spicy bean salsa = could be Draskyl / Lumi (if one of them does not get invited , which im hoping is not the case )
cake = ayeese?
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United Kingdom8 Posts
I don't think that any of them are a reference to specific personalities, I'm assuming the intention is to parody complaints, not to make one.
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I'm an experienced code translator and spent most of my years translating code for government, elite forces and secret services. My resume goes from the farthest of the east to the nearest of the west. My work have directly stop a lot of terrorist organization attacks and have prevented wars from starting.
After analysing the code thoroughly, I can confirm that the buffet has foods.
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I'm going to pretend Onion thing is Shane.
Honestly.
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On June 12 2014 22:35 maru321 wrote:Show nested quote +On June 12 2014 22:28 Javus wrote:
Buffet is TI4, falafel is Kaci , the onion thing is Kpoptosis I guess...Capitalist is spicy bean salsa,and everything else is not really that relevant.
You're welcome. Onion thing = could be Lysander / Blitz Spicy bean salsa = could be Draskyl / Lumi (if one of them does not get invited , which im hoping is not the case ) cake = ayeese?
Didn't Draskyl got invited but he refused to go?
At least that what I read on reddit
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On June 12 2014 22:35 maru321 wrote:Show nested quote +On June 12 2014 22:28 Javus wrote:
Buffet is TI4, falafel is Kaci , the onion thing is Kpoptosis I guess...Capitalist is spicy bean salsa,and everything else is not really that relevant.
You're welcome. Onion thing = could be Lysander / Blitz Spicy bean salsa = could be Draskyl / Lumi (if one of them does not get invited , which im hoping is not the case ) cake = ayeese?
Spicy bean salse should be Capatalist since ''this was the year of SBS'' , but It's open to Draskyl/Lumi aswell since they casted a lot of Quals and that might qualify as ''the year of SBS''
And the company could be both GDstudio or JoinDota
Onion thing might be, considering it's a ball of turd, a mix of Blitz/Lysander.
Cake should be Ayeese, unless for some reason he finds Sheever/LD/Tobi/AC all to be a cake (since they are all a hype train with not much knowledge) , but since PFlax is on good relations with Sheever/Tobi (or at least it appeared so during quals) It's probably not them.
The sandwiches & stuff are probably KotL/Maut/maybe Kpoptosis (calling him the bihaji might've been a mistake,I thought he was b*** since I knew him the least out of all the invited people,but a bit of research showed he was a bit more involved than I thought he was) / might be Sheever aswell (without it would be boring part)
And in case SBS is Capa , Miniature things are probably Lumi/Draskyl/Weppas
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What are the five different types of hummus supposed to be?
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Northern Ireland22212 Posts
On June 12 2014 23:53 Javus wrote:Show nested quote +On June 12 2014 22:35 maru321 wrote:On June 12 2014 22:28 Javus wrote:
Buffet is TI4, falafel is Kaci , the onion thing is Kpoptosis I guess...Capitalist is spicy bean salsa,and everything else is not really that relevant.
You're welcome. Onion thing = could be Lysander / Blitz Spicy bean salsa = could be Draskyl / Lumi (if one of them does not get invited , which im hoping is not the case ) cake = ayeese? Spicy bean salse should be Capatalist since ''this was the year of SBS'' , but It's open to Draskyl/Lumi aswell since they casted a lot of Quals and that might qualify as ''the year of SBS'' And the company could be both GDstudio or JoinDota Onion thing might be, considering it's a ball of turd, a mix of Blitz/Lysander. Cake should be Ayeese, unless for some reason he finds Sheever/LD/Tobi/AC all to be a cake (since they are all a hype train with not much knowledge) , but since PFlax is on good relations with Sheever/Tobi (or at least it appeared so during quals) It's probably not them. The sandwiches & stuff are probably KotL/Maut/maybe Kpoptosis (calling him the bihaji might've been a mistake,I thought he was b*** since I knew him the least out of all the invited people,but a bit of research showed he was a bit more involved than I thought he was) / might be Sheever aswell (without it would be boring part) And in case SBS is Capa , Miniature things are probably Lumi/Draskyl/Weppas
Yeah I think Kpop was doing the stats stuff backstage for ti3?
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5003 Posts
On June 12 2014 23:54 Scaramanga wrote:
What are the five different types of hummus supposed to be?
Maybe five other "on the floor" interviewers maybe that also helps her out?
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Great Job, Pyrion. Now I'm hungry.
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Katowice25012 Posts
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For people that don't understand it, this is a satire piece not an opinion peace from Pyrion. It doesn't show Pyrions opinion about the people invited to TI4, but is a reflection of his impression of the communities reaction to the TI-4 talent invited in threads like this: http://www.liquiddota.com/forum/dota-2-general/458889-personalities-invited-to-the-international-2014 or on reddit, etc.
If you don't get the references this would be your "answer-key":
buffet = TI-4
falafel = generic for breakout performer of last year that can go again (best fits Kacy)
Onion Bhajji = generic for new person that got a chance this year, but is hated for it (best fits lysander)
spicy bean salsa = generic for loved community figure that was there in the past but is not anymore (best fits draskyl)
giant chocolate cake = generic for someone that got there because of "style" rather than "substance" (best fits sheever, clear reference to all the "she only gets to go because she's a girl" comments)
"usual staples at this buffet" = generic for your main casters
"nice selection of vegetarian stuff" = generic for all the support cast that does the filler works (interviews, hosting, ...)
Again this is not some coded opinion of Pyrion, rather it should show the community how at times appalling the communities reaction to the invited personalities was and give everyone a bit to think about what it says about our community to have pages of discussion about the merit or not that someone gets to go because of their gender, personality or work ethic rather than just being excited for the biggest event we have ever seen...
edit: and before it gets misconstrued, the "best fits" is not my personal opinion of who would fit this description, but rather who would fit this description based on some of the comments in the linked thread.
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h0munkulus wins the thread.
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On June 13 2014 02:26 h0munkulus wrote:For people that don't understand it, this is a satire piece not an opinion peace from Pyrion. It doesn't show Pyrions opinion about the people invited to TI4, but is a reflection of his impression of the communities reaction to the TI-4 talent invited in threads like this: http://www.liquiddota.com/forum/dota-2-general/458889-personalities-invited-to-the-international-2014 or on reddit, etc. If you don't get the references this would be your "answer-key": buffet = TI-4 falafel = generic for breakout performer of last year that can go again (best fits Kacy) Onion Bhajji = generic for new person that got a chance this year, but is hated for it (best fits lysander) spicy bean salsa = generic for loved community figure that was there in the past but is not anymore (best fits draskyl) giant chocolate cake = generic for someone that got there because of "style" rather than "substance" (best fits sheever, clear reference to all the "she only gets to go because she's a girl" comments) "usual staples at this buffet" = generic for your main casters "nice selection of vegetarian stuff" = generic for all the support cast that does the filler works (interviews, hosting, ...) Again this is not some coded opinion of Pyrion, rather it should show the community how at times appalling the communities reaction to the invited personalities was and give everyone a bit to think about what it says about our community to have pages of discussion about the merit or not that someone gets to go because of their gender, personality or work ethic rather than just being excited for the biggest event we have ever seen... edit: and before it gets misconstrued, the "best fits" is not my personal opinion of who would fit this description, but rather who would fit this description based on some of the comments in the linked thread.
Preach brother preach!
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Doesnt know what a bhajji is. Confirmed racist
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Lalalaland34503 Posts
Why can't I get something off the a la carte menu? Stupid buffet shoving itself down my throat.
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all this is doing is making me hungry. dammit pyrion
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I think we can all appreciate some good food every so often.
Great article Pyrion. Glad to see satire isn't dead.
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Wish I could give you more than 5 stars
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5 different hummus - 5 different davids?
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Pflax please comment on why you hate everyone but chocolate cake?
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This should be required reading in Jr High Schools, because it's fucking art.
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1) Post some meaningless rant about an imagined feast resembling a code.
2) Watch gleefully as people despair to find a meaning into it.
3) ???
4)Profit
5)Have said feast.
Pflax, I salute you. Sad to see you can't speak your mind though.
EDIT: okay, read the comments,. Yeah, it's even better than what i thought =D
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So clever and cryptic. Let me get my Sherlock Holmes hat.
This honestly just looks like a tongue in cheek way to shit on some people, and frankly that's a pretty childish thing to do. Feels like Bogboys all over again.
But seriously, I don't get it Pflax. Are you upset people are rightly calling you and Shane out for your lack of contributions while sitting on the main stage or behind the "big" casting desk? It's the biggest and most important tournament of the year. I'm sorry if I don't want to listen to you pass inane quips and talk about everything under the sun that isn't dota. Or listen to you gasp in disbelief as someone tells you, Yes, in fact you can Bkb through that spell.
Obviously any hate towards specific casters is personal bias and should be ignored, just like any other competition with announcers, people have favourites. No need to get all heated and type out a essay on the merits of "buffets".
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On June 13 2014 09:16 WhatdoesShaneevendo wrote:
So clever and cryptic. Let me get my Sherlock Holmes hat.
This honestly just looks like a tongue in cheek way to shit on some people, and frankly that's a pretty childish thing to do. Feels like Bogboys all over again.
But seriously, I don't get it Pflax. Are you upset people are rightly calling you and Shane out for your lack of contributions while sitting on the main stage or behind the "big" casting desk? It's the biggest and most important tournament of the year. I'm sorry if I don't want to listen to you pass inane quips and talk about everything under the sun that isn't dota. Or listen to you gasp in disbelief as someone tells you, Yes, in fact you can Bkb through that spell.
Obviously any hate towards specific casters is personal bias and should be ignored, just like any other competition with announcers, people have favourites. No need to get all heated and type out a essay on the merits of "buffets".
You know last TI he did filler stuff right? We don't even know what he's doing at TI yet.
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I'm not sure if this would make more sense if I knew what any of these fucking foods were......
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Man I thought pflax just got drunk and blogged about a potluck + Show Spoiler + he went to to mess with netziens, but this is almost as good.
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Your tongue is so far into your cheek on this one that I'm afraid you might accidentally bite it. <3 you PFlax.
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EPT
