I am now going to tell you everything. We generally start history books in ancient Sumeria because why the fuck not. So, we got these three fucking civilizations: Egypt on the Nile River, Sumer on the Tigris/Euphrates, and India on the Indus. Then the Chinese happened at some point. So, where did all this shit come from? Read the Bible, jesus. So some time around like 2500 B.C. or something, the dawn of historical writings began because before that, nobody knew how to write shit. Egypt was one of the first places to start writing, building agriculture, cities, pyramids, etc. Egypt also built some other shit, like the Sphinx, Abu Simbel, the Luxor Hotel, and I dunno, bunch of other bullshit.
Egypt was divided into two kingdoms, the Upper Kingdom (which was in the south) and Lower Kingdom (which was in the north, what the fuck) until Pharaoh Menes just said "fuck it" and merged them together. Nobody knows who Menes was, but he was 40 feet tall, invented writing, was descended from space aliens and led Egypt to supremacy over Da Nile river. Menes lived for like 600 years and was succeeded by Hor-Aha, who actually was Menes and everyone was like "Holy shit they're the same guy, he's his own dad!?" and it became a topic of hot debate whether Hor-Aha was a different guy or just trolling, but no one on the forums really knows. Later on, Pharaoh Khufu was determined to do an elaborate troll by building the pyramids of Giza and nobody knows why he did it, but he lul'd.
After a bunch of stuff, the Hyksos apparently invaded Egypt, but nobody knows if this is true, because the Egyptians were notorious for being habitual liars and/or trolls, and nobody even knows what the fuck a Hyksos even is, but eventually, the Egyptians rebelled and overthrew the Hyksos w/ ease and went on to take over a bunch of shit. Like, Egypt fought the Hittites for awhile, but then they squashed that beef, but not before the Battle of Kadesh, which is the earliest recorded battle in the world, although I'm sure the Atlantians fought many great battles before that but no one cares because they're all fuckin' dead now. Then Egypt let a woman rule, and her name was Hatchepsut, and she wore a fake beard because ancient Egyptians were fucken weird.
Well, I hope you all learned some shit or whatever, there'll be more shit about Akkad, Sumeria, and other ancient-ass cultures, like how Teutonic peoples got to Scandinavia, and more importantly, why the fuck they would stay in such a cold-ass place when they could be chillin on the beach in Florida or something.
Needs a mention how Menes invented English language first to say "fuck it". Else this is exactly how my history teacher Roland Emmerich used to tell it.
After the Earth cooled, it formed an extremely fertile crescent containing primitive people such as the Hittites who believed in just the stupidest things you ever heard of. Then came Greece and Rome, followed by Asia. All of this came to a halt during the Middle Ages, which were caused by the Jutes and featured the following terms underlined by my wife: the steward, the bailiff, and the reeve. Next the Turks got way the hell over into France, after which there were towns. And the Magna Carta. Then France and England fought many wars that involved dates such as 1739 and were settled by the Treaty of Utrecht, which also was used to harness water power. By then the seeds had been sown for several World Wars and the Louisiana Purchase, but fortunately we now have a fairly peaceful atom. Now go fetch Grandpa some more bourbon.
the fucking egyptians named the northen part lower and viceversa cause for them North was our south. thats how they drew their maps. Our world is upside down. Dog god bless~
Spoiler to part 2: discover how Columbus was NOT the first european to go to the Americas and how a bunch of bored Europeans/people on horses and metal plates infected and virtually destroyed the various civilazations of central and south america. (expect asians who obviously theoretically crossed the bering straitgh longer than modafucking ages ago)
I except the contemporary part to be solemly about Broodwar
EPT
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