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Random Fiction: Elevator Pitch

Blogs > sths
Post a Reply
sths
Profile Blog Joined October 2012
Australia192 Posts
May 06 2014 13:21 GMT
#1
I would love some critique on the following story. I'm new at this so please let me know how I can improve

---------------------------------------------------------------

Sweat dripped from Steve’s forehead as he hunched over and desperately tried to suck in air. The sulphuric smell attacked his nose and the smoke made his eyes water. The deafening roar of the wind shook the entire elevator. He put one arm against the elevator wall and slowly pulled himself back up to a barely standing position. Every muscle in his body ached as if he had been moving furniture non-stop for the last twelve hours. Steve looked to his right and saw the CEO, Mr Morgan looking at him, completely unfazed by the surrounding.

“Clo…close the door” Steve said.

“Are you sure?” Morgan replied

“Yes!” Steve said looking incredulous.

Morgan withdrew a small dagger from inside his pin-striped suit jacket then pricked his right thumb and flicked a drop of blood into the abyss below.

“Cover your ears” Morgan said without turning to look at Steve.

Steve obeyed. He tried to read Morgan’s lip but it was futile. Even if he could lip read Morgan didn’t seem to be saying anything remotely decipherable. The elevator doors shut and he could feel it moving again.

“Why did I have to cover my ears?”

Morgan sighed and slowly turned to Steve.

“It was for your own good. I am sure you have a lot of questions. I will start with the most obvious. Number one, this is not a dream. If you don’t believe me, feel free to slap yourself. Number two, yes that was hell, but it’s not what you think, it’s way more complicated. And lastly Steve,” Morgan stared into Steve’s eyes “Do not disrespect me by asking if this is a prank.”

Steve looked around the elevator for something that would prove what he just saw wasn’t some kind of hallucination. He noticed the elevator level display had been stuck at zero for a while now yet they still seemed to be moving.


“This is completely insane….” Steve thought and then he flicked his own ears as hard as he can.

Morgan chuckled. “It always amazes me that mankind spends most his time avoiding pain. Yet pain is the very thing that you use to establish your reality.”

Steve considered Morgan for a moment. “Are you…”

“The devil?” Morgan smiled “No, but I have met her though. She’s quite the lady.”

“The devil is a woman?”

“Why is that so hard to believe?”

Steve felt like the answer to that was obvious yet when he tried to articulate this obviousness he couldn’t find any arguments that didn’t sound ridiculous.

“So how… and I must say I feel so stupid for asking this, but how are you able to access hell? Why did you bring me? What was the deal with the blood and whatever you said as you flicked your blood into the door? What the hell…who are you..why-”

Morgan reached into his suit jacket and pulled out a small white envelope and handed it to Steve.

“Open it.”

Steve opened the envelope to find a small rectangular piece of parchment. There was a picture of an uneven scale on one side of the parchment and on the other side were many strange symbols and characters which Steve did not recognize.

“That, is the very first cheque” Morgan said.

“It must be very old. I don’t recognize any of the symbols.”

“Indeed it is. Tell me Steve, do you know the story of Adam and Eve?”

“Yeah. I mean I know the gist of it. Something about listening to a snake and eating god’s apple when he told them not to and then god kicked them out of paradise right?”

“Yes. That is the popular false narrative that most people know.”

Steve glanced at Morgan. He was completely serious. A part of Steve is still in shock over what just happened. Another part though….

“So what actually happened then?” Steve asked, feeling ridiculous even as the words left his mouth.

“There was no snake. Why would a powerful deity allow something like that in his garden? The snake was an invention of man to absolve his guilt over the original sin. It was Eve that took the first bite from the tree of knowledge and then Adam followed, thereby dooming mankind in the eyes of god. But god played favourites. He reasoned that Adam only ate the apple because Eve tempted him into joining her with her womanly ways. Eve was therefore banished to the depth of hell whilst Adam was exiled to Earth with the promise that one day he will be allowed to return to paradise.”
“So what’s that got to do with the cheque you just showed me?”

“What is a cheque Steve?”

“It’s a promissory note to pay som-”

“A promissory note. Indeed that is what it is. What you’re holding there is the very first promissory note. From Adam to Eve.”

“I don’t understand. What did it promise? I can’t imagine they’d have money…”

“No of course not. It was a proclamation of Adam’s love for Eve and a promise, to defy god and never return to the Garden of Eden without his beloved.”

Steve stared at the small brown parchment in his hand. “So….this is a love letter?”

“Yes, the very first one.”

Morgan took the parchment from Steve and sighed as he looked at it wistfully. “The problem of course was that promises are a lot easier to make than to keep. God eventually tempted mankind to seek out paradise and to forsake the vows he once made to Eve.”

Suddenly it dawned on Steve. He turned and stared at Morgan “You work for her.”

“Why of course” Morgan said with a smile. “Is it really that much of a surprise that the most powerful bank in the world is run by an agent of the devil? Everything we do is either a reminder to mankind of the promise he once made or to punish him for trying to break that vow.”

Steve frowned as he felt his head spinning. Could any of this be true? This is all too crazy…. And why the hell is he telling me all of this?
Morgan placed a hand on Steve’s shoulder. “I’ve given you a lot of information today Steve. And I’ve answered a lot of your questions. Now it is time for me to ask you a very important personal question.” Steve felt his heart beat quicken
“How would you like to be the most powerful man in the world Steve?”

Steve was dumbstruck and didn’t know how to respond.

“I….”







* Ding *. The elevator door opened on the lobby level. Three men, former clients from one of the big projects Steve worked warmly greeted them as they stepped into the elevator.

“Going up or down guys?” one of the men asked.

Steve took a long breath and looked at Morgan, who had just the hint of a smile on his face. “Down” Steve replied.

After they exchanged some pleasantries silence fell over them as they all waited for the elevator to descend underground.
The anxiety and nervousness he felt the entire time he was alone with Morgan seemed to have dissipated. A sudden tranquillity flowed through Steve. The door opened into the parking lot and as they all shuffled out of the elevator Steve said,

“Did you guys know that apparently the devil is actually just an angry woman?”

They all turned around and looked at Steve.

“I guess that’s why they say hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.”

They all had a good chuckle as they walked to their respective vehicles.


*****
Omnishroud
Profile Blog Joined November 2013
1073 Posts
May 06 2014 17:09 GMT
#2
Really enjoyed it, well written!
Omni = Capped (RIP TL Account) - LoL EUW: Capped92 - EU Bnet: Capped#1137 - Steam: Capped92
rpddropshot
Profile Joined March 2011
United States82 Posts
May 06 2014 22:16 GMT
#3
Great job!
Baconator. Buck Double. Rodeo Cheeseburger. Beef Bacon 'n Cheddar.
staceymarie123
Profile Blog Joined April 2014
Australia59 Posts
May 07 2014 02:19 GMT
#4
In my head the part of Morgan was played by Morgan Freeman.
sths
Profile Blog Joined October 2012
Australia192 Posts
May 07 2014 04:37 GMT
#5
Thanks for the replies guys. I'm bad at describing scenary or world building so my stories tend to have a lot of dialogue to make up for it. I'm still trying to figure out how to paint a rich picture without sounding very awkward.
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