A while ago I posted this pitiful bit of defeatism. Here is the update nearly two months later:
I restarted taking care of my body. For the past 25 days I have been exercising every other day. Objectively, this is just a drop in the ocean and not much to be proud of, but for a person as ridiculously lazy as me this is a fucking huge achievement. On top of that, I’ve been paying attention to my diet and by simply managing not to overeat I managed to reach 102 kg (lb), which is my lowest weight in the past 7 years with the exception of about two years ago, when I did reach this milestone but let myself go again ending up 112 kg again… For a mildly asthmatic, lazy smoker, that’s a fairly decent achievement.
Additionally, I’m proud of trying out snowboarding twice this winter and ending up doing fairly well. I’d say I surpassed some people who have been snowboarding for a few years, but there is still some way to reach a completely proficient snowboarding experience. I also started playing tennis again (after not playing for over 7 years). I do suck a lot but I intend to keep up this extremely awesome sport. I also managed to beat my friend, who’s had a similarly long break, in 1v1. I really felt like tennis makes me feel a lot like bw. Besides the fairly obvious difference that the one makes you feel like your limbs are going to fall off, while the other doesn’t, there are a ton of similarities. Every time you lose, anger about your own mistakes starts boiling in you. You know that every loss is due to your own faults and there is nobody else to blame and you strive to correct your most obvious mistakes the next go around.
Last semester I managed to pass as many exams as I did in the previous 3 semesters together! I even gained almost as many credit points as well. Maybe, I will be finally able to get a grip on my life.
I (think I) got a new job. Basically, after the interview they said, “we will send you the relevant documents in the next few days” and “do not plan any trips after the 12th.” I’m fairly certain that I will get the job, considering my qualifications and all other circumstances. However, this morning I received a call about them asking about my current citizenship “just for their own information”. Normally, my personal stance on economic politics is quite social, but chances are that this question was asked because the department has to present me to the staff committee (you know, the guys who do virtually no work but cannot be fired because they represent the workers in the union), which might be against me, since I do not have a German citizenship.
I did start working out, but I still haven’t reached my goal of reaching dual digits (weight wise). A stricter diet and some more exercise should have been able to bring me to this goal, but laziness and cheating on my diet far too often made this impossible.
I’ve been so completely lazy the last two semesters that the two exams that I managed to pass this semester feel like an achievement. As a matter of fact, I lag ridiculously far behind in my studies and I should put far more into them than I did last semester.
Getting a job is fine and dandy (if I even do get it, despite all signs pointing towards it). However, I have not yet started working, to see how well I do there. On top of that, I have been “looking” for almost 2 months now, and if I have been at least a bit more dedicated, I should have been able to get one much earlier.
Furthermore, I still smoke. I fucking hate myself whenever I smoke, but I’m just too weak to quit. There have been 3 attempts in the month of April alone…
In comparison to the worthless, apathetic piece of shit I used to be, the gains I made in the last 2 months have been tremendous. Compared to a normal functional human being, I still lag far behind. I really hope that I will be able to straighten my shit out and become at least a semi-functional human being…
After breaking up with my ex nearly 2 and a half months ago, I feel like I’m getting better on a daily basis. I do not think about her as often as I did previously. I do not feel that bad whenever I remember her. However, I still do think about her…
Every now and then thoughts about her will cross my mind. Normally, they will disappear as suddenly as they appear, however, last week I felt so struck down after thinking about her that I went out and bought a bottle of vodka from the local store… I felt like complete and utter shit for the next two days… I still cannot get over the fact that (I feel like) I was the reason why we broke up. Looking at it positively, these thoughts give me the drive to try to improve myself. From a different point of view, they make me feel like I made the biggest mistake of my life by alienating her from me…
Ever since we broke up, I called her twice: Once I called her for her birthday; Once we arranged a meeting (date) at a bar. For me, it was supposed to be a way to get closure. It ended up being the most enjoyable night in years and made me wonder how the hell I could let her go…
Both times, I initiated the contact. Almost a month has passed since the last time we talked, and I was getting upset that it was only me making contact. There was a struggle in my head between the thoughts of “you fucking retard, how could you let it go this far” and “this fucking bitch doesn’t even bother to send me a message.”… A few sleepless nights and a few bottles of liquor later, today I received a message from her… Just a few short lines:
“How are you? Do you feel better already? Greetings from “her town”!
First of all, fuck no! I had my last “mental breakdown” less than a week ago.
Then I closed facebook (I had called her the last two times, and she simply sent me a message this time around) and went to a friend of mine with 8 bottles of beer. Getting wasted felt fucking good… until… I realized what the importance of tonight is in Germany. For whatever fucked up reason, tonight is the night when men show their affection for particular girls by bringing god damn fucking ugly, decorated trees to their homes. Now, if I can believe my ex’s statements, she doesn’t care for this particular holiday. As a matter of fact, this time around last year she asked me to help her move from her previous home. So I was carrying some stupid, exotic plant around the streets, while people (with stupid May-trees) were laughing at me.
Anyway, even though I honestly believe that she doesn’t care much for this particular day, I still wonder why the fuck I receive a message from her exactly today. Is this supposed to be due to her reaction to the dumb holiday? Or maybe she really didn’t realize what today is, and she simply felt like sending me a pity message, not having the courage to actually talk to me?
Whatever the fucked reason is, I still ponder about it. Luckily I already downed my 5th beer and there is still some vodka left in the kitchen…