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Ok, I will try to keep this short.
I am engaged with a woman I love very much. She is 24, I am 29. I am in the military and she is in law school in another state. I wanted to get married a bit sooner than we actually are, but her parents want her to wait until she is completely done with law school (1.5 years from now) for us to get married. I am respecting their wishes and waiting for this.
I will probably be separating from the air force early and going back to school. I want to go move in with her, she is my fiance so it seems not only reasonable but important to do so. She says she would love for me to move in with her but that her parents will not allow it because of religious beliefs(very christian). I think this is incredibly stupid.
She claims that if she went against her parents they would disown her. I do think that she believes this to be true (but i suspect it's a massive exaggeration of the reality of what would happen).
Regardless, I am not sure this is something I want to compromise about. Not living with her before we get married is a very bad idea yeah?
What do you guys think about this?
  
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maybe you could try to talk to the parents? kinda risky tho.
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You could trying seeing what their religious leader thinks about it first. A lot of pastors/priests now recommend that couples live together before being married. That said, s/he might not back you up and then you would arguably be worse off than before.
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On January 11 2014 07:39 travis wrote:
Not living with her before we get married is a very bad idea yeah?
it's a terrible, terrible idea. i'm eternally grateful that I lived with my ex-girlfriend, because if we hadn't lived together, we might have gotten married. quelle horreur
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United States12125 Posts
propose talking to her parents with her, it'll allow you to rationally present your points and listen to theirs, and you as a couple can make a decision there after her parents have said their piece
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I agree that it's not something you want to compromise about. As close as you might be and as sure as you might be that the person is right for you, things can change, and one or the other might realize that is not the life they want to lead, even if they're happy with the person on the surface. I'm surprised you'd even get engaged before doing it tbh - you seem to be at the point where you're kind of committed to marrying her either way, and that might have been a mistake - but it's quite concerning.
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My ex was from Texas and she lived here. Her mom literally disowned her after she learned that I was an atheist. From my understanding, she was taken out of her mother's will. As for how she learned that I'm a heathen, I have no idea.
Regardless, don't fuck with your fiance's limits, you guys will live together soon enough if you're doing well together.
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Have you explained your side to the parents yet? And what does she have to lose if she gets disowned? (college tuition, allowance, trust fund?)
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I'm with sam! It's a terrible idea to get married before co-habitating. It's like walking blindfolded into a hallway full of swords smeared with pigshit.
Also, this girl does not seem very self-actualized with all the talk about disowning and marriage after education is complete etc. A lot of girls, especially American ones, are psychologically immature into their late 20's nowadays. You sure you want to tie the knot with a girl who might change into a whole different person in a half-decade or so? I've seen some girls change pretty dramatically after they get out of school and are introduced to the "real world."
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There are financial reasons involved where her family is concerned but I don't think they are anything we couldn't overcome.
On January 11 2014 07:59 SongByungWewt wrote:
I'm with sam! It's a terrible idea to get married before co-habitating. It's like walking blindfolded into a hallway full of swords smeared with pigshit.
Also, this girl does not seem very self-actualized with all the talk about disowning and marriage after education is complete etc. A lot of girls, especially American ones, are psychologically immature into their late 20's nowadays. You sure you want to tie the knot with a girl who might change into a whole different person in a half-decade or so? I've seen some girls change pretty dramatically after they get out of school and are introduced to the "real world."
If she changes I don't think it will be in negative ways and I already love her so... 
I have not talked to her parents or their pastor (interesting idea). I initially posted this for opinions on how reasonable I am being by being stubborn about this.
I am worried about how it would go talking to her parents.. I suspect reason would not sway them.
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I think it is extremely risky to marry someone without living with them. It was difficult for me and my gf when we were living together, but we learned through it. I think you would want to live with her before marrying. Talking to her parents and probably the pastor too, to learn the parents' reasons to say no, and the religion, etc... is a good idea.
Good luck!
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This whole thing sounds crappy. When parents threaten to disown over a religious difference that's bad. Quite honestly it sounds like the parents simply don't like you. If they were truly just being hesitant because of religious reasons then they would actually most likely be pushing you guys to marry not telling you guys to wait for a year and a half for no reason whatsoever (why would she not be able to finish school while married?). The only advice I can give you is you have to start establishing boundaries now. What will happen when you have children? Will you let the grandparents tell you how to raise them under threat of disowning again?
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If her parents looks strongly down upon moving in before marriage, I would assume that they are not too fond of divorce either. There's always a danger that after moving in with someone you find you aren't as compatible as you thought you were, and you really don't want this to occur after marriage.
What I would do is to move in together don't tell her parents. This may or may not be a good idea for you though. In my personal experience, my parents are extremely traditional as well and enforce arbitrary rules on me just because they are rules they grew up with and not for any logical reason. I just hide all details of my relationship from my parents and everyone is happy that way. If I get disowned for it, it's a decision that was solely made by my parents and 100% their fault. Perhaps your fiancé isn't as okay with being disowned as I am. If you can reliably move in together and keep it from her parents, might not be a bad thing to consider.
EDIT: I think packrat's idea of speaking with their religious leader first is actually a good idea.
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On January 11 2014 07:49 packrat386 wrote:
You could trying seeing what their religious leader thinks about it first. A lot of pastors/priests now recommend that couples live together before being married. That said, s/he might not back you up and then you would arguably be worse off than before.
I think this is actually a really good idea. I'm sure there are even a handful of statistics available to show that living together prior to marriage generally has better outcomes.
Regardless of whether or not the pastor/parents side with you I would attempt to do it anyway, but it's worth trying to convince them before proceeding with anything.
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Northern Ireland22208 Posts
There are important things that you will only learn about each other when you live together - things that can make or break a relationship so you need to know before you get totally committed.
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On January 11 2014 08:30 Grobyc wrote:Show nested quote +On January 11 2014 07:49 packrat386 wrote:
You could trying seeing what their religious leader thinks about it first. A lot of pastors/priests now recommend that couples live together before being married. That said, s/he might not back you up and then you would arguably be worse off than before. I think this is actually a really good idea. I'm sure there are even a handful of statistics available to show that living together prior to marriage generally has better outcomes.
of course it fucking does
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That's like a statistic showing people who practice throwing a baseball 10 hours a day for 3 years are typically better than people who have never thrown a baseball before.
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Um, yeah... I'm not sure why an analogy was necessary, but thanks.
On January 11 2014 08:51 teddyoojo wrote:Show nested quote +On January 11 2014 08:30 Grobyc wrote:On January 11 2014 07:49 packrat386 wrote:
You could trying seeing what their religious leader thinks about it first. A lot of pastors/priests now recommend that couples live together before being married. That said, s/he might not back you up and then you would arguably be worse off than before. I think this is actually a really good idea. I'm sure there are even a handful of statistics available to show that living together prior to marriage generally has better outcomes. of course it fucking does
Sorry, but what exactly was the point of your post?
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her parents realize that you are fucking, right
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On January 11 2014 08:30 Grobyc wrote:
I'm sure there are even a handful of statistics available to show that living together prior to marriage generally has better outcomes.
Um, not that I could find.
The first statistic I saw was that people who lived together before being married had 50% higher divorce rates than those who hadn't cohabited. http://firstthings.org/marriage-family-fact-sheet (ctrl f "cohabitation")
That data was like 25 years old though. A newer and probably more reliable study by the CDC showed that the rates were pretty close to equal, with the cohabitation rates only being a few percentages higher. http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/nhsr/nhsr049.pdf (page 18)
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EPT
