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So over the last couple of days, I've had a lot happen to me. I got into a car accident and severely injured a person, broke up with my girlfriend of 2 years, and trying to deal with a childhood friend who was hospitalized after going through a full cardiac arrest.
I don't mean to compare myself to Walter White and say that I'm someone so notable, but everything in my life truly ran like clockwork until I had to mess it all up with my pride and ego. I quit my job around the beginning of December because I couldn't handle being occasionally talked down to by my manager. I worked in food retail, so what did I expect? A Google-type of worker-friendly atmosphere? I couldn't bring myself to handle "disrespect", but I didn't know my place, being a low-level sales clerk, and I walked out on the job. After that, things went downhill.
After quitting, usually, my time was occupied by going to school, studying, working, and hanging out with the girlfriend/friends on my free time. However, with working gone, I begin to hang out friends more and more. Now, I don't have bad friends or friends who are bad influences. If anything, I'm more of a bad influence then they are, but I began to occupy my time in a non-productive manner. Anyways, on Friday, while I was out, I ended up getting into the car accident, and I couldn't help but think that of the time of the accident, I could've been at work, making some money, instead of driving around places, looking for a job interview.
With strict Korean parents, it's not a easy life to come back home and be questioned. I love my parents, and by no means do I think I have a bad life or anything, but their constant judgement on me and comparing me to my glorious older brother, who's a Marine, made straight A's, and attends UT Austin, I just don't know how to handle it. Them constantly talking down about my girlfriend always got to me but what could I say? If I stood up for her and myself, I would end up getting beat because I live under their roof and the whole "how I could I possibly talk back to someone who so graciously feeds me?" If I didn't, it made me feel like shit and simply put me back in my place as someone who has no say.
I usually talked to my ex-girlfriend about everything, about school, about friends, about family. I had known her for so long, and we dated a decent amount for us to be incredibly comfortable around each other. Of course, she was never fond to hear me tell her what my parents usually thought of her, and by no means did she simply handle it well. Any sort of judgement, especially from a significant others' parents no less, is stressful. And after my parents blamed my girlfriend for me spending all of money that I was supposed to be saving up, she was finally fed up with me and my parents, and thus, broke up with me. Maybe in the end, it might not be a big deal. I'm only 20, I'm just a kid, what do I know about relationships and "love" and what have you? But I just can't help feeling so heartbroken, even though its all my fault.
I keep finding myself doing things she normally does, like leaving the TV on when I sleep or typing like her. I never realized how much I relied on her as a source of companionship, distancing myself from my other friends compared to the days when I wasn't dating her. I find myself waking up in the middle of the night nowadays, hoping to wake up from a nightmare that's all supposed to end. Obviously and unfortunately, that's not the case.
With the feeling of regret, lack of motivation and companionship, I really don't know what to do anymore. Granted, it's only been days, and not weeks, months, or years, but I just don't know what to do. It may be a phase, it may just pass by in time, but I really don't think so. I feel so empty inside. Every time I do something, something always manages to go wrong.
Everything I do seems to go unappreciated. My schoolwork, grades, my time spent on talking with friends when they need someone to talk to. I would want to be the person that can at least put a smile on a friend's face if they need some cheering up, but right now, I know no one really gives two shits about me at this point. I don't have a reason to smile anymore, I can't find myself laughing and being happy. Whenever I slowly start to maybe start laughing, I'm quickly reminded of how utter shit my life quickly became.
I'm only typing this out because I know no one I know in-person even cares to talk and ask about my problems, but I wouldn't want them to talk if they don't want to anyways. Anyways, sorry to those that read the entire thing, if at all. I probably look incredibly pitiful and pathetic, but I guess then, I succeeded in reflecting my mood with my writing.
TL;DR: I suck.
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there is no shame in needing someone to help you get your life on track
you talk about friends needing a helpful / understanding ear, well, that applies to you too
you deserve just as much solidarity and maybe help too, no?
hope the injured gets better
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Approval must come from within first and foremost. If you consistently seek out external appreciation above all else, you are putting yourself at the mercy of others who are no doubt seeking the very same thing you are.
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I wouldn't guilt trip yourself about the accident unless you were doing something stupid to cause it. Shit happens sometimes. Even to people with jobs.
Ditto with leaving your job. I mean, you wanna obviously not walk out ideally, but it's a shitty meaningless job and you live at home. It is far from the end of the world.
That being said, living at home sounds pretty shitty if your parents constantly dirt on your gf. Mentally, it is unhealthy for you, and for her (or any other future girls) it's pretty bs.
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On January 06 2014 02:54 QuanticHawk wrote:
I wouldn't guilt trip yourself about the accident unless you were doing something stupid to cause it. Shit happens sometimes. Even to people with jobs.
Ditto with leaving your job. I mean, you wanna obviously not walk out ideally, but it's a shitty meaningless job and you live at home. It is far from the end of the world.
That being said, living at home sounds pretty shitty if your parents constantly dirt on your gf. Mentally, it is unhealthy for you, and for her (or any other future girls) it's pretty bs.
What's killing me about the accident is that I wasn't doing anything else. I wasn't talking with anybody, I wasn't on my phone, I was literally driving, with my eyes looking around me, and moments before it happened, I was looking at the car ahead of me.I just couldn't react in time. People keep saying "shit happens", "it's your first accident", but what if the person had died? That, and the fact that they're injured and they have to delay whatever they were doing with their lives is haunting me.
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Sorry about that man. Sounds pretty sucky. It's really difficult when you're under someone, and although they benefit you with bits of generosity, they are cruel and lord their authority over you. That really sucks, it is fair for you to feel frustrated and mistreated.
The best thing you could possibly do is honor and respect those in positions of authority over you, even if they abuse their power. It can be really hard, and you probably just want them to love you and cut some slack instead of being dicks, but the best way to remedy the situation is to respectfully and calmly get your feels out there. Find a way to express your frustrations with them, of their expectations of you and how you're compared to your sibling. Don't explode, come clean calmly.
Not: "Screw you guys for being such dicks I feel trapped and oppressed and it's all your fault."
Approach, emotionally humble and honest: "I love you guys, I'm so grateful for all that you've provided, and I really just want to show my gratitude and make you proud, but your expectations, judgments and comparisons really hurt me, they bring me down and compound the other struggles I have."
I could beat around the bush, but straight up, you want advice? Here's the best advice I could ever cite:
/encouragement=ON
6
1-3 Children, do what your parents tell you. This is only right. “Honor your father and mother” is the first commandment that has a promise attached to it, namely, “so you will live well and have a long life.”
4 Fathers, don’t exasperate your children by coming down hard on them. Take them by the hand and lead them in the way of the Master.
5-8 Servants, respectfully obey your earthly masters but always with an eye to obeying the real master, Christ. Don’t just do what you have to do to get by, but work heartily, as Christ’s servants doing what God wants you to do. And work with a smile on your face, always keeping in mind that no matter who happens to be giving the orders, you’re really serving God. Good work will get you good pay from the Master, regardless of whether you are slave or free.
9 Masters, it’s the same with you. No abuse, please, and no threats. You and your servants are both under the same Master in heaven. He makes no distinction between you and them.
A Fight to the Finish
10-12 And that about wraps it up. God is strong, and he wants you strong. So take everything the Master has set out for you, well-made weapons of the best materials. And put them to use so you will be able to stand up to everything the Devil throws your way. This is no afternoon athletic contest that we’ll walk away from and forget about in a couple of hours. This is for keeps, a life-or-death fight to the finish against the Devil and all his angels.
13-18 Be prepared. You’re up against far more than you can handle on your own. Take all the help you can get, every weapon God has issued, so that when it’s all over but the shouting you’ll still be on your feet. Truth, righteousness, peace, faith, and salvation are more than words. Learn how to apply them. You’ll need them throughout your life. God’s Word is an indispensable weapon. In the same way, prayer is essential in this ongoing warfare. Pray hard and long. Pray for your brothers and sisters. Keep your eyes open. Keep each other’s spirits up so that no one falls behind or drops out.
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Ephesians 6&version=MSG
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I am reminded of my own life, minus the gf. I have an older sister who has a comparatively utopian life: she's attractive and smart, just got her Masters degree last spring and is in for her PhD, got married young to a tall, dark, handsome, and charming breadwinner, and everything seems to be going so well. I do envy her but also I'm happy for her; however my life by comparison has been very dark and continues on a bleak path.
I read Dune by Frank Herbert again recently and I have been thinking about a quote from that book a lot lately. In it, the main character comes to a realization that "[my mother] is my enemy; she doesn't know it yet, but she is." It's a relevant passage to perhaps both our lives that comes near the end of the book. I reflect on my past and find little encouragement from my mother behind my endeavours. I often recall talking with her when I was still in college about whether I could make it through engineering, and her response was mostly "you can do it" at first, but after I continued calling the message became more negative: "perhaps it's not what you really want to do?"
Of course, I have an artist's heart, so this appealed to me, but deep down I knew I was failing in school because my social life was not up to par with my high-achiever's expectations.
Now that I've dropped out of school, it seems that most of the time when I argue with some concept on the tv, or introduce any idea for my future, I receive wholly negative feedback. My mother always takes the side against me, even if she doesn't know the person. Sometimes I know I'm right as it's a moral debate but her mind seems set against me from the beginning so I usually just give up and retreat to my cobwebs, going silent, further repressing my social development. Upon sharing my dreams for my future, I am met with only discouragement. They say behind every great man is a great woman. That may be, but great men win great womens' hearts, and the ones with bats for mothers never become great until they cut the umbilical cord of hate spewing poison. You can't grow when the hand that feeds is pumping tar down the funnel as you cover the tube during your keg stand.
I feel both constantly compared to my sister and looked down upon as an underachiever, and also constantly repressed sexually and socially - leading to my further bitterment and despairing attitude - my sparks of a better future being whipped and beaten mercilessly by the hurricane that brings the harvest.
Anything's better than this, anywhere's better than here - and perhaps that's the reason for the pain, to get me out - but when the claws come snatching to drag you back to the nest it becomes too easy to assume all the pain is so I cannot grow and will thus remain here until her final breath.
Some people have to take out the shit, but the ones doing it are probably there because it provides an exit from something in another realm: mental psycho-torture at its finest, mastered by a creature fearing death.
On January 06 2014 09:04 bITt.mAN wrote:
Not: "Screw you guys for being such dicks I feel trapped and oppressed and it's all your fault."
Approach, emotionally humble and honest: "I love you guys, I'm so grateful for all that you've provided, and I really just want to show my gratitude and make you proud, but your expectations, judgments and comparisons really hurt me, they bring me down and compound the other struggles I have."
Thanks for this. It seems the correct response. I don't recommend burning bridges in any case. However it can be difficult to rise even to that minimal point of dissent in the above circumstance.
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hp.Shell, although the situation with me, my brother, and my mom aren't as extreme as your situation, I do relate to you and I sincerely wish that things could work out.
bITt.mAN, thank you for your words. Unfortunately, just "talking" with my parents never end well. I could say exactly what you said, to start off with "I love you guys, but you guys [insert grievance here] and [insert solution here]" but my parents response would be "Do we not take care of you, feed you, clothe you, give you shelter, and buy you things?" I tried the assertive approach before and it ends up with my mom raising her voice, and if my dad is around or awake, him joining the fray and either yelling at me and/or the situation becomes extremely physical. (When I say physical, I do mean fists thrown around. However, by no means is he necessarily an abusive father. I don't hate him, and I'm pretty sure he doesn't hate me either. If anything, when the parents are normal, my dad is probably more sympathetic towards me than my mom. Plus, when things do get heated, I've fought back plenty of times, though I do regret it.) When I approach the situation passively, my parents would confront and yell at me to stop beating around the bush. And if I were to approach the situation aggressively, it would probably end very badly too.
What I'm trying to say with that is there's just no way for me to address my grievances. I'm forced to just accept that this and that is just the way it'll have to be. I'll have to constantly be judged, my social life will always be under the magnifying glass, and they'll never really appreciate me for whatever I do because I'm just not good enough as compared to my brother, or any of their friends' kids.
As for the friend who was hospitalized, thankfully, he's okay. Visiting him later today and telling him that I love him because you never know what could happen, I guess.
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Thanks for the update. I wish the best for you and your friends. Though friends may be a fleeting relationship, in that people often move on to other things in other places when they're young, it is the people closest to you, who you can relate with, who are worth everything. The family does not always have to fit into this group of friends, but they are a foundation of life, and you can count on them in dire moments.
Family does not necessarily have to contribute to growth past a certain point, but their foundation allows you to stand, so you should respect and honor them, even if you choose to live your life in a way that is incongruent with their wishes, as many do. Friends have helped me grow in so many ways, but the number of people there is larger, and the potential is bigger. All the best.
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EPT
