EPTSince I've been at college, for the past 3 or so months, I've been on a huge rollercoaster. It's been mostly downward though. I'm just now going up.
When I was denied from most of my colleges, I had a choice between Rhodes and University of Miami. I chose Rhodes for my girl, not for me. I had conversation after conversation with her about it, a lot of them ended in screaming about what I was gonna do. Honestly if I could go back and change anything, I don't know if I would change where I went to school, but I would definitely change the reasons for it.
Near the end of summer my girlfriend and I experienced a lot of trouble as a couple. We ended up having a break that I blogged about, and a break up that I tried not to blog about but I inevitably did. She ended up being miserable and happy and I was absolutely torn to fucking pieces during each time.
This blog is probably the hardest I've ever had to write, because right now I have to acknowledge how stupidly I've been living my life. For the past near 2 years, I'd been holding myself back to stay with the crowd, been missing opportunities and bending over backwards to please other people, and become a doormat for the girl I love, though I'm finding out what that word means to me now (who, get this, doesn't like door mat guys, who would have ever guessed /jokes).
I'd been making choices for the sake of other people, and not for my sake. Now it's bitten me in the ass, though I'm glad I'm over the depression. It was the darkest time I think I've ever gone through in my life. The first time I've ever actually been semi-suicidal/suicidal. The first time I actually had so much self-loathing that I didn't think I deserved to be with my girlfriend or my friends or even at college in general. The first time I actually didn't just feel like a failure, I thought I was one. It was the first time I'd ever woken up and felt so lethargic and so pitiful that I couldn't get out of bed.
During the 2 month break up, I went about the break up all wrong. I talked to the girl, I listened to my parents, I didn't rebound while single in college, and most of all I didn't listen to my heart. For the longest time I couldn't figure out why. I grinded but it meant nothing to me, in fact it made me feel bad rather than good. I wrote a terrible rage blog about college partying and its vapidity, I now know it wasn't the inanity, it was me. I knew there were girls that were attracted to me here, I knew that I could make out, but something was making me feel like shit that was more than just the break up. The day I finally listened to my heart, the day I knew I had to move on was the day that, not 8 hours later after coming to this conclusion, my girl came back to me.
At first I blamed it on external factors. My neighbors having issues, my family having lost a pet, myself for being in a new place. Some of it did affect me, especially the last one. However, I realized about two days ago something was wrong. I was morbidly depressed. Even more so, I don't take anti-depressants because I go through depressive phases irregularly and usually not even longer than a week every year if my life is on track, I couldn't just pop a pill to be happier.
I fucked up. I fucked up my single-times. I fucked up my first semester outside my GPA. I made friends, but I was so bored and inactive that I honestly could have done so much more. I realize now that it was because I was in a place that I didn't choose for myself. It was because I didn't think I had lived up to what I wanted. It was because the people around me were changing and I was forcibly holding myself back. It was because I have so much to grow and so many possibilities, so much potential growth as a person that I was floundering.
This all changed 2 days ago. I woke up, I felt awful. Worse than any time in my life before. I wasn't just emotion-less, I couldn't feel anything but immense woe. This intense self-loathing that made me want to break up with my girlfriend, made me dry-heave at 1 am the night before, brought on a cluster migraine, and most of all made me feel so inadequate life was over for me. This isn't to say I was suicidal, I wasn't, I was past the point of even attempting anything because there would be no point to it. Then, after about 10 hours of sleeping, I decided to walk my dog. My mom came with me (I drove home the night before because I felt so awful I decided that I should probably go home). Then things changed.
At first I felt even worse. Then the sun came out. In me, and in the world. I stared at the sun and my skin started getting warmer, and I started getting happier, and happier, and then back to normal, and then slightly happier than normal. Then I was my old-but-new self once more. I don't know if I have SAD, but I definitely had depression. In that moment, I just started telling my mom how all my fears were stupid, how all the shit I had said was ridiculous. I realized that I had a lot of ground to work back, but I also realized that doing things for me, being selfish with my goals and what I want to accomplish is something that I can totally do. I can be me, and learn what me actually is.
In that moment, I started moving forward. Before I wasn't moving backwards, I just wasn't moving at all. Now I'm moving ahead incredibly fast. All the maturing I was preventing myself from is rapidly gaining. I've set myself up for a trip to argentina for a month this year. I have an internship with a large military complex corporation, and a possible other one with a political campaign looming ahead. I have a stellar GPA right now, and a burgeoining group of friends. I'm me again, stupidly confident, extraverted, fun, me.
I'm going to make sure that next semester is better than this one. I may not have chosen this college for me, but I'm going to make for fucking sure I enjoy it for me. I'm looking at joining a fraternity, joining back into Model UN and Debate, and just trying anything and everything. I'm going to continue my non-profit and hockey activities, and meet as many people as I possibly can (1-2k in 4 years is my goal). Life is looking up, and, for now, the beast is dead.
